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Janine

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  • #109448
    Janine
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think about healing a lot. I feel very stuck, though. My parents took away my therapist as well as financial support, they will not support me unless I go to college. I am working on that now. I just have no idea about what to do, because if healing is the first step, there are steps I need to take before so I can take that step.. Does that make sense?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Janine.
    #107886
    Janine
    Participant

    Hi there again, thank you for all of your responses.


    @seanr
    I appreciate your sharing. Before seeing your post, I had also been grappling with the idea that my mom may have Borderline or Narcissistic personality disorder.. But then I fall back into questioning if whether or not it’s me who is the crazy one, and maybe it is all me.


    @anita
    Everything you have responded on all of my threads has made sense to me, but for some reason there is resistance in me in taking any steps towards healing. On days like today, there is little hope and lots of shame, and I cannot even see the possibility of healing. My therapist says I am just perpetuating my pain for no reason.


    @brievuong
    The reason I want to move out is so I can deal with the issue. I have tried to deal with it at home, thinking I was doing things rationally by sharing my feelings and being honest.. but everything I say or do or feel is wrong and is perceived as a threat by my parents. You asked many questions I have not been asked before. I will do my best to address them all.

    I think it would be helpful for me to describe some of the main attributes of my mom and our relationship (how it has always been). From her perspective, I have always asked for “too much”, I waste her money and time, I am always out to get her, my personal belongings are threats if they are in “her” space. Over the years, these perceptions have left me feeling ashamed, and I am defensive about these things now. Once I experienced a relationship with unconditional love, I realized I had never felt like I received that love from her. Her “love” has always left me feeling uneasy and confused, like I had done something wrong. As a child, the only thing I wanted from my parents was their love, like any other child. I really wished my mother would see me, I wanted to be precious to her and for her to embrace me.. but she is incapable of that. The only thing I want from them now is financial support until I can move out.

    #107037
    Janine
    Participant

    anita,

    I do currently go to a therapist who is aware of my experience.. She was the first person to point out the abuse to me. I will take your advice and print this out. Last night and this morning while re-reading your responses, a few questions arose..

    Which are:

    What is the importance of going through the healing process? What are the consequences if you do not go through it? I feel like many of the people who were abused go on living seemingly unaware of it.. What happens then?

    I feel sometimes I cannot access my pain. Intellectualizing it and talking about it has become a method for me to avoid feeling it. What does the healing process look like?

    Thanks again.

    #106980
    Janine
    Participant

    Also, hello Maria!

    I am glad you shared part of your story with me, it is helpful for me to hear other people’s experiences.

    I liked what you said about parents just being people. And thank you for the reminder about moving forward and enjoying life, I get stuck analyzing all of these things sometimes. 🙂

    #106979
    Janine
    Participant

    Hi again anita,

    I struggle to accept that I was abused. It was hard for me to even type that in a sentence, “I was abused”.. because growing up I had all of material needs met, and my parents did go to great lengths to find me doctors and therapy for when I began struggling with health, mentally and physically. And they say they did these things out of love. It is hard to explain how it felt.. because I did not feel loved.. I felt like I was being dragged around as a problem, yet a trophy for my mother because she could play hero AND victim.. “Oh, my daughter suffers so much, it is so hard for the family.. but I have loved her and have been her only friend.” She says now that I do not appreciate or recognize the things she has done for me and that she hopes one day I will realize how well she has treated me and will come back to her. We are a well off family, live in a nice area, I had the toys I wanted and clothes to wear. What do I have to be complaining about? I would love to talk about this more with you, Anita. Today I spent time reading a few of your other posts and replies here on Tiny Buddha, and I found that I really appreciate your perspective.

    #106912
    Janine
    Participant

    Hello anita,

    I am grateful for your response. I feel like you understand, which is comforting to me. I am always afraid that people will not believe that I have been hurt, and I have spent time trying to somehow prove that my feelings are real and I am not just crazy. I have gone to many extremes and because of that, was not an easy child to deal with.. But I feel I was basically in this messy guessing game of “How do I receive love?”, which led me to have collected many unproductive behaviors along the way. I go in circles about this being all my fault and thinking that I will always be evil and unlovable. At the current moment I cannot explain how I feel though, things are shifting.

    Thank you.

    #105125
    Janine
    Participant

    Thank you all for your responses. I am wondering if any of you could share methods of self forgiveness? Shame is so integrated in my life, I feel ashamed after talking or expressing any emotions, I feel like I am stuck in a huge tangled web.

    #88106
    Janine
    Participant

    I notice the stickiness is mostly to my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We did not function well as a couple, but we had a strong bond as friends. By continuing to be friends, I feel like we are still perpetuating parts of the romantic relationship that we had. I am still angry about some of the things that happened. I want to break away completely and let myself heal, but I’m never successful with this. We will go a few months without seeing each other or talking, but then he gets brought back into my life somehow..

    #87249
    Janine
    Participant

    I read through this earlier, and it got me thinking.. A few days ago, I shared a very special moment with someone and I thought I’d share it here. At this time I was experiencing a lot of resentment towards my mother. I was holding on to these thoughts, such as “Why didn’t you love me?” and “How couldn’t you have seen me hurting?”. I was telling a friend about how heartbroken I was by not being recognized by my mother. I felt sorry that I did not fulfill her expectations of having a daughter. Then I reflected on an idea; you are given the child you need, not the child you want. And as I was pondering this aloud, and I asked myself “Why did I chose her as my mother? And what is it she needed from me?”. I realize that we can only show people things when they are willing to look, so this cannot act as a universal remedy, but it gave this conversation the stir it needed.. My friend laid back, and there was a parting silence. He took me back and asked me, “Don’t you remember when your mother was a little girl, and she was so beautiful and innocent?”. And we thought about how she was not always so calloused, and about the things that hurt her enough to bring her to be this shaken, bitter adult. I began to cry because I knew that there was still a precious, loving child within her. Up until this moment, I was certain I detested my mother for leaving me so damaged. But after the embrace of this moment, I could forgive myself and forgive her. Now, have the space to move on and heal myself. I have recognized that these things she deals with are not because of me and they are not mine to carry.

    #87237
    Janine
    Participant

    I love this approach. I think we all forget how important it is to be gentle with our inner child.

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)