Hi there again, thank you for all of your responses.

@seanr I appreciate your sharing. Before seeing your post, I had also been grappling with the idea that my mom may have Borderline or Narcissistic personality disorder.. But then I fall back into questioning if whether or not it’s me who is the crazy one, and maybe it is all me.

@anita Everything you have responded on all of my threads has made sense to me, but for some reason there is resistance in me in taking any steps towards healing. On days like today, there is little hope and lots of shame, and I cannot even see the possibility of healing. My therapist says I am just perpetuating my pain for no reason.

@brievuong The reason I want to move out is so I can deal with the issue. I have tried to deal with it at home, thinking I was doing things rationally by sharing my feelings and being honest.. but everything I say or do or feel is wrong and is perceived as a threat by my parents. You asked many questions I have not been asked before. I will do my best to address them all.

I think it would be helpful for me to describe some of the main attributes of my mom and our relationship (how it has always been). From her perspective, I have always asked for “too much”, I waste her money and time, I am always out to get her, my personal belongings are threats if they are in “her” space. Over the years, these perceptions have left me feeling ashamed, and I am defensive about these things now. Once I experienced a relationship with unconditional love, I realized I had never felt like I received that love from her. Her “love” has always left me feeling uneasy and confused, like I had done something wrong. As a child, the only thing I wanted from my parents was their love, like any other child. I really wished my mother would see me, I wanted to be precious to her and for her to embrace me.. but she is incapable of that. The only thing I want from them now is financial support until I can move out.

Also, hello Maria!

I am glad you shared part of your story with me, it is helpful for me to hear other people’s experiences.

I liked what you said about parents just being people. And thank you for the reminder about moving forward and enjoying life, I get stuck analyzing all of these things sometimes. 🙂

Hello anita,

I am grateful for your response. I feel like you understand, which is comforting to me. I am always afraid that people will not believe that I have been hurt, and I have spent time trying to somehow prove that my feelings are real and I am not just crazy. I have gone to many extremes and because of that, was not an easy child to deal with.. But I feel I was basically in this messy guessing game of “How do I receive love?”, which led me to have collected many unproductive behaviors along the way. I go in circles about this being all my fault and thinking that I will always be evil and unlovable. At the current moment I cannot explain how I feel though, things are shifting.

Thank you.

I notice the stickiness is mostly to my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We did not function well as a couple, but we had a strong bond as friends. By continuing to be friends, I feel like we are still perpetuating parts of the romantic relationship that we had. I am still angry about some of the things that happened. I want to break away completely and let myself heal, but I’m never successful with this. We will go a few months without seeing each other or talking, but then he gets brought back into my life somehow..

I love this approach. I think we all forget how important it is to be gentle with our inner child.