Thank you, @anita and @tamikaze2000 for your replies!

Yes, I really want to treat myself better.

I should also stay away from the internet. There are many selfhelp forums on the Internet. I feel like most of them are full of the stereotypical “college student”. They hype themselves up about how they “kissed the girl within two minutes of meeting her” and how they caught the attention of every girl in the room. And I feel “triggered” by that. I don’t want any of that. I dont want to always be the center of attention. In my mind I have a very romantic view of how dating should work. First I would just talk to her, maybe ask for her number. Then chat for a while or call her and setup a date. After that, we would just “become friends” in the sense that we get to know each other. I don’t want to have to follow any specific “guidelines” or stuff like that in order to impress her or whatever. And in the small town I live, I don’t see any of those “stereotypical college dudes” trying to pickup girls. I see normal, regular, average people like me and their relationships are very much like what I imagine mine should be.

The selfhelp forums are full of this … I dont know how to describe it. “Performance society”? They act like you always have to be the best, you always have to be confident, you always have to be better than person X or else you’re a beta. That’s nothing like the real life I am living and where I go grocery shopping with other, regular people.

I am so confused by this. I don’t want to be part of this performance society. Yes, I do want to study at a university. But I won’t be the very best and I honestly couldn’t care less.

Do you guys have any advice on that?

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.

@anita Whew a hard one. I had to think a while about this and I’m not sure this is what you expected but here goes nothing.

Hi there. I’m Tim. I am 22 years old. One day, I will have a girlfriend at my side, who shares and appreciates the same core values that I believe in: true feelings based on more than status, money or appearance. I believe, that two people can, provided they’re both willing to put in the work required, form a deep bond that can survive many if not all problems these people can face in life and the relationship. I will have a person by my side that I will support in every way, shape or form I can and I know that she will always be there for me when I have a bad day. I will be able to tell her everything about myself. Every dirty little secret, from depression to all the hard times I had to endure to get to this present day. The Internet tells me, that this is wrong. The companionship is a waste of time. That she will cheat on me eventually or that I will never be good enough. But that’s not true. I am who I am. And I am good the way I am. I’m not the most successful guy you’ll ever meet. Or the most muscular or attractive one. But I believe that my views of relationships, love, trust and loyalty are right and valuable.

Something like that? 😀

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.

Hey guys. Thank you so much for the active discussion we’re having. I am really enjoying this!

@anita
No, I would never mistreat anybody over those feelings. I just avoid these kinds of people but would never act out on negative emotions towards them since I know that they’re unjustified (most of the time).

@tamikaze2000
You may be right. I dont know what dating is like from a girls/womans perspective. The Internet just tells me that all women want to have sex with “alpha males” and that I will be cheated on sooner or later. That the kind of relationship I would like to have (romantic and long lasting) just isn’t possible for me since I’m not an alpha male. I weigh 74 kg and am athletic but no where near “muscular” or “jacked”.

@zeldatron
Thank you so much for replying 🙂 I hope that someday I will be able to believe in myself and love myself. At the moment, it seems like the entire Internet is out to tell me that the PUA stuff works, that the alpha/beta-male stuff is true and that I will be alone forever. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and asked how I could start to believe in romantic relationships but we didn’t really come to a conclusion. Maybe I should switch therapists … I will read Art Of Loving next, thanks for the recommendation! I know that the whole “I’m not good enough” comes from fear. I realize this. But I have trouble fighting this fear because I have no reason to doubt it, even though I find myself very attractive at times. It’s a confusing situation.

@ajp85
I’m not saying that absolutely everything is bullshit. Of course you should work on staying healthy, enjoy your own hobbies etc. But I dont want to be able to “attract all women in the room”. Also, these techniques that are being taught by “Dating Coaches” or whatever you want to call them disgust me. Like touching a woman in ways that are supposed to arouse her when you just met her. Maybe I’m oldfashioned, a beta male or whatever. But I want to get to know a woman before I come close to her (hug, kiss, sex etc). I want to see what she is like before starting to rub her arm or do some hocuspocus mumbo jumbo to arouse her. I’ve read some stuff by Mark Manson who is seemingly a super-guru of some sorts. He sounded like a freaking rapist. It was something like “Ravish her. Women want to be taken and fucking ravished”. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? Are you serious? In what kind of world are we living? I’m not a keyboard warrior trying to protect the rights of women or whatever, but that above is just rape or sexual harassment atleast.

Once again, thank you all for participating and I’m looking forward to some more replies 🙂 Enjoy your day!

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.

I cannot seem to post anything and I dont know why.

Do you mean that you resent attractive women because they can easily have casual sex and you can’t?

Sadly, yes to a certain degree. And I hate myself for it. I dont want to do that. But that’s what the Internet tells me and I cannot prevent myself from believing it just a little bit. I was told that “the dating market” is unfair towards men and that attractive women will always have the freedom of choice and have advantages that men dont get.

Also, my real name is Tim. I posted this text earlier on a chat room and used a pseudonym but I feel like in this community I should be honest from the ground up because you all seem like really nice people 🙂 Would it be possible to somehow edit my first post so that there is no confusion about it? I cannot seem to edit it anymore, sadly.

But what also happens is that people who are prone to questioning themselves (myself included) see themselves being written about in these “black and white” pieces, and feel even worse. Try your best to not do that to yourself. It’s not easy, I know.

Thanks for reading.

Thank YOU for replying! Yeah, I feel like I really do that. But also, I’m nowhere near perfect. I value the opinion of others way too much and lose my self esteem because of it. And because I have no self esteem, I project everybodys problems onto me. A vicious cycle.

Tim

What’s your ideal girlfriend like? If there was something that interested you, what would it be?

Probably a little bit like me. Shy, introverted, likes to spend the Friday evening at home cooking together and enjoying the moment 🙂

You will meet the girl when the time is right.

I’m a little scared of waiting for that though. What if it never happens?

// Edit: Yay, finally a post of mine came through! I tried to reply atleast 5 or 6 times already and it didnt work. Sorry to let you guys wait!

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.

Hey Inky, thanks for your quick reply and for the link!

Another problem I’m having is: I don’t know what I need to provide/have in order to have a relationship. I feel like I have nothing of value to offer. I think I’m quite attractive as I’ve had about 8-10 girls interested in me in the past but I still feel like a complete and utter failure with no value.

Multiple “online dating coaches” have also tried to tell me that guys have it worse in our dating culture. I think to a certain degree this is true. It’s way easier for a girl to find casual sex than for a guy. Mainly because there are waaaay more guys looking for casual sex than girls. This has caused me feel a certain resentment towards attractive women because they have something I seemingly cannot have.

Any advice?

• This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Tim.