Psychiatric diagnoses are supposed to be given responsibly by competent, responsible medical professionals, after spending enough time with the patient/ client, asking questions, taking notes, studying notes, taking time to consider this or that, meeting with the patient again… not haphazardly, like you described

you are correct, i just don’t have that, would love to have it though

 because I expect it to be difficult for me

then don’t, i was just surprised by your amazing replay, i would like to make our conversation as easy as possible for both parties

It all fits, doesn’t it, and features of the diagnoses you considered for your self are all included in the MDD diagnosis

perfect description, because here where personality disorders and mental disorder separate, the person who has a mental disorder knows he have something unusual, alien to him, where the one who has personality disorder feel what you just said as a natural thing of his self, If i truly have only depression, taking medication and a healthy lifestyle would get me back on track, but when i look at the things i have to do to “get back at track”, they are a part of me, i simply can’t change them, im by default lazy and don’t enjoy a lot of stuff, i talked to a lot of depressed people, and most if not all always gets better either in time or by taking meds and therapy, right now even if i have therapy i won’t make effort to change, you know what i dislike ? when some people (norimes) use the same illness, the same name, while they clearly aren’t like me, so i refuse this label, yes i admit i do have MMD, but im not like the ones who have it, i hate when they come to me and offer advice, like they have a single idea what is like to be me

 I know that you hate those positively biased appraisals

you know too much about me

Here is my “diagnosis” for you: Depressive Realist Truth Seeker

how about BER (baby escaping responsibility), although i really don’t see the need to use depressive, since depression can be fixable, i take meds for anhedonia, i take meds for serotonin, i change bad beliefs and im good to go, but i really don’t see that possible for me, not because i can’t. but won’t.

by the way i thought about my past replies, i think i repeat myself a lot, i say the same things over and over again with different words, i will keep track of this issue

Do negative or depressed people see the world more realistically?

i think it really depends on the person, i don’t like the hasty generalization, i also think we should also address the fact that most of them focus on the negative side of things mostly (me included)

 but I don’t see you there, since one of the symptoms is “a rigid adherence to rules and regulations”, unless one is to think of your own “rules and regulations” which are condensed in one loud NO to “normies”‘ social rules regulations

yes, fair enough, it was just a theory

 there are Mindfulness exercises that affect these powerful brain/ body chemical processes, and which can help you.

i promise to tell you the truth, the turth is, i won’t do them, even if my life was depending on it, why? because i don’t want to, i might be able to do them for a while because you told me so, but unless i am really convinced they are good and actually can help, even then i might not do them, because in order to do something i must enjoy it first, i have a long history with this, if i don’t like it, i won’t do it for long, i understand if you wanna stop our conversation right here, but i actually told you in the beginning you can’t help me, i admit that i get defensive when i hear any advice, because unconsciously it tells me that the other person doesn’t know me, but my answer right here is the only truth, that doesn’t mean i don’t value your advice, and i can’t do it for the sololy purpose (your advice)

i really don’t believe i only have depression, since there is alot of things different in my personality, i will tell you one that i actually meet most of the Symptoms, Schizoid personality disorder, though when i did talked to people that have it, i didn’t see alot of similarity, even people with this can be normies,

i should also mention that right now, im feeling very anxious, i was talking to a girl (online), kinda a friend, and she mentioned a boy she liked, and as always i got very jealous, so jealous that it hurts so much, this is nothing new, its part of my inherited Low Self-Esteem, i have a really low self esteem, so low that if i see a female talks about a man passionately, any man, and in any place, i got pain in my stomach, im learning from my mistakes, the best solution was to not talk with females, since the pain is so great and the reward (of the conversation) is low, its not worth it, i saw it as an opportunity to learn, and to try to manage such horrible feeling

It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Have you tried talking to someone?

 

ah yes, the old classic saying that people say without thinking, this is why i don’t talk to someone, who said its temporary ? as i said in my past posts my problems isn’t external, Im the problem, the way i think and feel and value, and my life is a fine evidence, and im saying a problem by society standards of problems, but even if i wasn’t the problems, taking your logic right here with this very narrow minded sentence, problems will never stop, its part of life, so they aren’t temporary, they are continuance, death actually fix this, and the good thing about that, is that you won’t lose anything, if i really had a choice, i don’t think i can make a more smart move in life, but this sentences right here comes from not logic, but valuing life, as something precious and shouldn’t lose because “you only live once” right? well so what? because after death i won’t be, i can’t experience regret, so it really doesn’t matter if i wasted it or lived it, its the same end, sure you might feel fulfilled at the end of your life, but then you will die, and all the effort you did will be for nothing, and this is a fact

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Murtaza.

so, that was just one bad day, not a dominant experience

it is a dominant experience, bad days for me is like most of the days, but now with meds its much better, hopefully the good days will increase

you have days when you like or love life

*like, never love

days when you feel free (not stuck)?

yes, one of the qualities of bad days for me is worrying about the future (GAD), its something i can not control and it takes the joy of the day, when there is no this, no worry, no anxiety, just peace, that feels so good, i wouldn’t wanna trade this with anything .

when you were typing the post, were you very pessimistic or did you appear more pessimistic than you actually were?

i really can’t remember that day, although i would say i was pessimistic, if i remember correctly, i almost attempted suicide, or a day before it , i was so afraid and so lonely, i feel words can’t describe how bad it was, but i convicted myself that all this will go away if i only do it.

At some time after you submitted that post, away from the computer, on that same day- did you feel better, less pessimistic?

no

Can you read my recent post to you?

i already read it and i understand you want to keep replies as short and as clear as possible

it made me feel special that you care what I personally think

Im really glad, that our conversation makes you feel something, that im not the only party that like this conversation, though i just wanna mention i always valued your opinion, from our first talk, i saw you and still see you as a very beautiful person, i remember the first time i saw you answering someone post, the attention and care you give to a stranger, made me very greedy, i and im sorry, i was just so amazed, that a person this wise, this intelligent, this gentle, exist.

appreciating your adult individuality, your admirable motivation to create your own values, your truth seeking.

This is everything that i wanted, i really don’t know what to say, i wish there is a way that i can give you something, to just tell you how thankful i am to what you just did/say, you didn’t just understood me, you liked me, i really can’t ask for anything more from this conversation,

there is a sense of strength there, you find comfort and pride

i really don’t know why i value Individuality so much, maybe its an ego thing, a sense that like that im superior, although i do feel im somehow superior, because i created my own values and beliefs based on my personality, which made life much easier for me, but i do feel less sometimes, because how might people see me, “lazy” “pathetic” “weak” “not a man”, actually seeing me as a baby didn’t hurt much compared to those, although it kinda did hurt me, especially coming from you.

An animal will give in to society

sometimes out of self hatred, i wanna do exactly that, just give in and accept life as it was meant to be, but i know i can’t, my mind won’t allow it, i will hate myself so much

If you stand up to society, unchanging- you will suffer for a  higher cause

while yes i do have this type of thinking, to accept loneliness and misery for this cause, sometimes i feel its pointless, this is why i think of suicide, whenever i think of suicide, i never have an external cause, its always internal one, knowing that i won’t have love, just because i think this way, sometimes i wish that i was what they want (females i mean), but then i think i won’t be special, like i am now, how i think and how i act, it is special, maybe bad but still special, sometimes i feel this is just superiority complex and the need to escape responsibility and taking the easy way, but i ask the question, why do i make a whole new philosophy values and beliefs just to escape such responsibility, and after a lot of thinking, it seem that following society is actually easier, accepting such responsibility after all is the easy way, i see how people living, go to work, do something fun and sleep and repeat, some are lucky to have a work they enjoy, some are not, but believe me when i say, going against everybody isn’t the easy way, i feel so alone and distant from everybody, and my basic needs is now harder to achieve , because im so different

changing=self-destructing

i really couldn’t explain it any better, your analysis amazed me, really i was laughing because i myself couldn’t see some of the things you said

it is Everybody. Including me

i actually have a word for such people, normies, although i use my own definition of the word, a normie is a person who have normal values and beliefs and thoughts about the world,  one of the normie quality is that they can’t understand me, who i am, they can’t understand where im coming from, you proved otherwise, its more of a label to people that i shouldn’t waste my time with, i know it makes me distant, but i can’t think its untrue sadly

I am Society to. I am Everybody

i do agree, that even my thoughts and beliefs and values is a part of society, im more of a castaway, the unwanted by society, but i know that society made me, and i try to have no ego, that im like that, no pride, no saddens  because im only what they produce, a combination of luck and environment

to be loved by Society/ any person in the Everybody category

luckily there is people like you, that doesn’t fall in this category, i actually have a female friend who also think this way, who i consider a “birdman” thats what i call someone who isn’t a norime, its based on my fav film

I see you as more than the baby I mention before

im actually glad that you see more of me, it kinda hurts to see yourself this way out of people eyes, although i understand and agree that my values and beliefs do sound like a baby, maybe i am just a baby after all, i can’t help it though

 I am surprised I didn’t see it before.. how strange. I guess societal judgment is indeed very strong- you hear about a person refusing to work, one automatically gets judgmental

i think its on me, my way of using words and the stuff i said, makes it impossible for you to see otherwise, as i said, i was very sad and different, for me i feel like a mouth and i change a lot, my ideas and the way i think, i guess im growing bit by bit, maybe for the bad, maybe for the good

You deleted your first thread

i actually didn’t and it still there, just checked

 I just spent hours re-reading much of our massive communication

thank you for that, you really didn’t have to, since i changed a lot.

and I regret having lost my patience with you

don’t, you were very helpful and patience, and i think you did the right thing.

 I don’t know what I can possibly do for you other than be the Fantasy Woman in your Fantasy

since i started taking meds, i didn’t need to fantasize anymore, i didn’t felt much need for love, the desperate need has gone, which is good, im gonna finish 3 months now, though i do miss those fantasies

 And I know that I cannot be okay with you living the way you do

i understand, i might sound very miserable, but i do have some good things in my life, there is other aspects i apprentice about my current life that i  think i will miss if i didn’t have them

You shared about your mother’s love: “when I said she loved me, I meant when I was a child. I see her sometimes with babies and she is very loving”

i had many experience and thought about that, and i think she didn’t gave me any love as a child, since she didn’t have any as a child as well, i think she think of children as a way to satisfy her needs, i think the way i see her now, she looks like a baby herself, never learns from her mistakes, very vulnerable to everyone, very sensitive, very dreamy, i know now why i wanted a mature women, and why i wanted my need to be met so bad, without giving in return

like a baby, easy life, not doing anything adult-like

while it hurts to know you are like that, i learned to accept some of it, the things i can’t change or don’t wanna change, its just sad to look at myself and see a baby, to look at how other people see me, how my needs and desires sounds very much like a baby, i wish i wasn’t like that, but i am

 “only hope that somehow I will be loved without changing”

i also mentioned that this i had from my mother, dreamy thinking and imaginary hopes, and i know this isn’t true, infact my whole argument with Teak was about that

that’s you insisting to be a loved, cared-for baby, not required to do anything adult-like.

the only problem is that i don’t have a problem of my current way of living, but my current way of living makes it impossible to have basic needs, and i don’t see basic needs very valuable thing to change for

and women where you live are weak women

i wouldn’t say weak now, just not very compatible with me

found out that you will have to work at least 10 years before you can get married. You started working for that goal but felt so much “stress and despair thinking that I have to that for the next 10 years just to get a proper money to marry”- so you quit that goal

i think this is GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), i think that now i really don’t care about marriage, i still have the same goal in mind (easy life), i know you can’t accept such life, but i can, people might not understand, but i do, it makes perfect since to me to follow such goal, at the end i am happier like that

 somewhere along the way I understood that no matter how long I communicate with you, I will make no difference in your life

its true, i wasn’t and still have no desire to live as life intended to be, so that i can have basic needs

All you wanted from me was to help you “cry again and feel warm inside”

again that’s true, i only used our conversation in order to feel something, and to be able to fantasize, and for that im Sorry

you are not really suffering… really???

i think if i lived the way you want me to live i will suffer more, and i can’t take the guilt, of having an easir life but not giving it to myself just because, love won’t be an enough motive, infact i don’t think anything could be enough motive to beat the goal in my mind (easy life)

 do you want to .. have the desire to change?

in this mindset and right now ? No, but i might in the future, but if i had the control to have such desire, i would’ve choose to not have it, because it Conflict with my goals and values and beliefs, and i do think i have some desire to change ( my need for love and being understood and being seen and taken care of) but it doesn’t outweigh my goals and values and beliefs, if it did we wouldn’t have this conversation

anyhow its good to hear from you, i hope that i at least have the possibility to talk to you from time to time, thinking that you don’t wanna replay to me anymore kinda hurt me, knowing that a beautiful human being doesn’t want contact with you makes you think that there is must be something wrong with you.

What you said previously suggested that you felt fundamentally different

I am, and i already said why above, my life is a fair example of that difference, i think differently from the people around me, i have different beliefs and values

 nor are you sentenced to misery forever

my personality, the combination of beliefs and values and goals and dreams and feelings suggest that i won’t live a happy life, i already have proof, its the stubbornness to live Independently and not caring enough to what other people think and do, how can i achieve my basic needs, if i don’t have either the will to do so nor that i value you them ? and how im gonna achieve my basic needs if i live in a place most people won’t understand me? how can i achieve Communication or basic understanding, is it really worth it then ? if i can’t have the basics ? not because im different, but because i was unlucky to born this way.

that you’re created in a wrong way

i was, i believe the right way is to accept society ideas, the happiest people is the people who follow their programming, a programming that can fit with society standards, and most people are born this way, the proof is the world around you, there isn’t much people that value what i value, that think how i think, this because all their thoughts and beliefs were handed to them by society, the only different is that i refuse to take them, and this doesn’t make me wrong or bad, just unlucky that i have such programming

If you would like to talk more about how your mother took the easy way, you’re welcome.

i was just saying its the something i inherited, that i don’t blame myself for such goal or belief, it is what it is, and i really don’t care about my mother to talk about her

You can

prove it.

if you’re completely honest with yourself and admit your legitimate need for love, without blaming yourself

maybe i implied in some way that i blame myself, i don’t, again i don’t believe in freewill, there is nothing i did wrong, nothing i gained, nothing i do or did gonna be bad or good, because its all a part of my programming, can i change such programming? maybe, do i want to ? no, why ? because its a part of my programming not wanting to change, there is no blame here,

all this, suggest that i at least think differently from you, and you might have a trouble understanding

that it’s wrong for you to need it.

it is wrong, not by what you mean by the word, but wrong in which i can’t satisfy it in real life, i obviously can’t have another mother, and can’t be a baby again, i can find a middle ground, where i can have some of this love, but what do i have to do ? change my whole personality and values and goals, will it matter then? when i completely change myself in order to be loved knowing no one would’ve loved me when i actually loved myself, if my middle ground is to love myself, i accept such middle ground, at least i won’t depend on external, people, but it won’t satisfy my desired love, the love that i want, thus its the wrong desire, because i can’t satisfy it

You believe that you can only receive love if you change to fit the society’s expectations

that believe is based on evidence and a lot of observation