you clearly expressed your opinion that he (as a “normie”) is intellectually inferior to you

no, i actually think normies is superior, in some aspects, such as life, i wouldn’t use inferior or intellectual, and i never claimed to be intellectual, but when it come to understanding myself and my situation, i am better at judging and advising, i admit i was a bit mad by his replay, anytime i hear an advice, that means two things A. the person doesn’t understand me B. he maybe right and im wrong, and i feel guilty, guilt is something i can’t endure, i have a lot of it, and i come online to just have less, part of not believing in freewill was i think to reduce guilt, the thing is with guilt i never follow it, i can’t remove it, and i can’t follow it, either way i will suffer, but at least with not following it i won’t give up to it, let him control me

 that you are intellectually superior to them

im really not, when it comes to intellectual they are better, since i don’t value knowledge, and i don’t care much to be smart or intellectual, again i never said i am intellectual, it may sound like i feel superior to norimes, but infact im not, im inferior to them, in most aspects, whether its money/knowledge/social skills/work etc, one thing that im better at, is building my own value system and beliefs, that fit my personality, less struggles, less pain, but really this values and beliefs only works for me, one thing that i feel superior from norimes, is not caring about having my basic needs met, not needing anyone or anything, even needs themselves, i actually re defined needs, for me needs is something you can’t live without, and by can’t i mean death, not misery, not basic desires

this is simply a recipe for misery and pain, infinite suffering, i really know what the next move is, the only right move

 and it is wrong to treat others as such

really? tell that to society, that has been treating me as inferior my whole life, wrong you say? by what stander, who said its wrong? i simply use the norime to label people that can’t and won’t understand me, a waste of my time and effort, a lot of pain will come from them, a lot of guilt, i have to label them, to convince my mind that they are wrong, and they are, its simply a shortcut i once thought about for a long time.

particularly people reaching out to you with the intent to help you

their help hurts me, every time, maybe to them its just help, to me its a lot of guilt and frustration, a lot of pain, unnecessary pain, why should i take all this ? just because they think they are helping ? im tired of treating people good at my expense, and i know most people will say the same things, the same (boring/little proofs/taking from their pov who is very much affected by society) thing “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” of course you will say that, all your problems have been  temporary, or you too stupid to realize that some problems are permanent. no one will say this without being a norime

he is not intellectually inferior to you

i tell you what, from the little interaction i had with him, and knowing me, he is infact superior to me

 We have to tolerate differences without judging them as inferior, or superior

even if different means a lot of pain? what’s the point then ? i have little tolerance for unnecessary pain, especially when it something i don’t value, especially when i can avoid such pain, and don’t tell me this pain can be good, i had enough of it to know its useless, that suffering at large isn’t that great, as a human im programmed to avoid pain and go for pleasure, unless i have some kind of value that can top that

 then what you were saying is that you want to interact with me so to feel better, but not so to consider anything I say as a motivation to make any practical change to your life

yes its true, and i said this many times, i never wanna change, i prefer death, its either my way, or no way, and i did used you to feel good, i see people as a resource, unless its a really nice person that can understand me, sadly you do fit in that category

 I am sure that it is not true that no one hurt you

the did hurt my past self, not me though, the here and now me, thats the real thing, thats the one that can’t be hurt, my past self doesn’t exist anymore, only a fraction

 but I have no doubt that you deeply cared for others early on

sure, i used to care about my mother a lot, last week i was caring for this girl who i loved, and she showed enough evidence not to care, i felt i was desperate, but really why should i even care about a person that doesn’t care about me, and believe me no amount of “feeling” will tell me who to care and who to not care about, i use my mind for such things

You were hurt, you got angry, and nothing you felt and did made any difference, so Nothing Matters

apathy is my greatest virtue

there is NO proof that Fantasy can substitute Reality

in where i live ? yes there is no proof, although i will have to twist reality real hard to have such fantasy, what if like all things in my life, imagining it is better then having it ? so i will do this whole thing, just for a reward, a hope, NO, i won’t, its either i enjoy the whole journey, and not caring about what reward i get, or i don’t go at all, also my life have enough proofs to the superiority of fantasy

and you are absolutely resisting any learning unless there is proof that such learning will guarantee you personally a better life. Because such proof is impossible to come by… you are not open to learning anything different from what you already know.

and that’s why i think death is the next logical step, you do get it now? i just wish someone tell me this truth, that yes, it is, in this whole stinky world, there is a person that validate me, validate my thinking

free will exists. I have proof

not to me 😀

this is not “best life” in any reputable dictionary anywhere in the world

in my situation, in my mindset, in where i live, this is the easiest and less painful life there is, i have tried the normal one from where i live, it doesn’t fit me, at all, it goes beyond what i think and feel and value and belief, and its not them, its me, im the imposter and its my fault, and for one time in my life, i want to do a kind thing for myself, a really kind thing, an act of love, to rest finally once and for all, no more infinite guilt, no more unnecessary pain

I don’t know if my luck ran out already and I have joined the “normies”, in your mind

its not luck, its basic understanding of my situation, and you never said some normie stuff to me, you did leave when you knew me, and that was a normie thing, i actually expected it, and i still do, i always consider the worse possible outcome, you think that normie is a bad word, when it actually not, i already told you my definition of the word, i simply mean people that can’t understand me, that can’t accept some people are doomed, some people like me, and the best option for these people is to spear them away, i just wanna hear it, this truth, form someone like you, i don’t wanna hear anything, i wish i was wrong, i wish you tell me im wrong, that its not like that, that i will be loved, that i will have what i want, but we both know that this isn’t gonna happen, there is a part of me, still hopes that i might be wrong, that i might have what i want without changing, tell me the truth

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Murtaza.

dear peter

Sorry if I offended you

you didn’t, i might sound like i was but i didn’t, i was simply stating facts.

 I don’t presume to understand you

the thing is, you really can’t advice me when you don’t know me, imagine telling a homeless person to just work or just live life, it would be unkind don’t you think ?

I wasn’t offering advice just a philosophical perspective on my view of Life

no offence but its not yours, its called Taoism, and you just following what they say (this accusation is based soloy on your previous replay, its a bold accusation but im welling to risk it and be open to be wrong)

The idea that Life is suffering is one of the 4 noble truths

now you know why i accuse you of following Taoism, in my world, there is no truth, there is no “noble” truth, you know that truth is relative right? sure suffering is a part of life, im not disagreeing here, im just saying, that whatever you think is true, doesn’t apply to me, i don’t follow any philosophy or rules, i make them, if that means i live in misery, so be it

I find your generalization of ‘norimes’ troubling and likely unhelpful. It seems to be dependent on your ability to ‘know’ what others are feeling and experiencing, something you often accuse others of.

i never say someone is a norime without evidence, and your replay back there is enough evidence for me, sure i might be wrong, but again im welling to take the risk and accuse you of something you might be not, though your replay was a norime replay

I was wrong about what I thought you were seeking and we aren’t using language in the same way

this isn’t the only thing you wrong about :D, if my language use bothered you, then im sorry, i really didn’t mean anything then saying the truth, and by truth i mean my truth

I wish you well. I suspect you won’t believe that

why you suspect that ? your whole replay was a sign that you are a nice person, and i do think you are a nice person, though you know what it takes to be well for me ?

i actually like taprooms, we don’t have this around here though, i also like wine, there is this movie (sideways), its about a depressed  guy who likes wine, its a really good movie, watching movies made me desire to be in a taproom and drink wine, its probably not that good, as i imagine it.

you can’t eliminate your social needs

Thats why im miserable

 I hate the word

Lol

the social pressure to be a normie is much greater in a religious Muslim society

Especially for females, who doesn’t have much testosterone.

When you LOVE sadness, do you mean that you love imagining someone observing you

No, i just love the feeling, although i don’t like to cry (it appears that i can be i don’t, for some reason), when i ask myself why i like it, a couple of answers come to mind (it feels warm, its the only feeling i feel) but i really don’t think these are the reasons behind why i like it, its like music, you don’t know why you like what you like, you just do,

I just like having a hot beverage, a sad song, and just be sad, not cry, but just sadness, sometimes i just remind myself of what i already lost, something like “i will never have love” quote a movie, or a song, and just let the feeling appear.

her children show worry and caring

Only we don’t care anymore, we know her victim mentally, her cry for attention, so we don’t give her that, so i guess she don’t enjoy it much anymore, but still she thinks “its because i have a good heart” and that she is pure, lol, i honestly know why we develop apathy (me and my sister), we barely even care anymore about anything, there seems never going back with apathy, at least mine

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Murtaza.

I can’t seem to edit/delete my replay, anyway, i sometimes just feel like its all bullsh*t, my thoughts and beliefs, and i kinda hate them, they are so annoying and so noisy, sometimes, maybe i really should do it, i really want help, a true help, to feel good, not with this mindset i can’t

and that is that you have been unable to find a (large enough, birdman and I understand you perhaps?) group of people who understands and accepts you

And i never will, they simply don’t exist this much, you think there is people like you? Doesn’t hate a person who speaks the way i do? and immediately go away? even you went away when you knew me, and i can understand why.

How to find a larger group that can understand and accept you without exacting the price of you dropping your values and your persona/ individuality? I don’t know.

I do, I’ve been living my life and thinking about this for a long time, and i give up on this need, the need to belong, im not longer a slave to it, yes i still have it but not much, i control it, instead of it controls me, i will never let a feeling or a need control my actions or change my goals in life

 I see a lot of misery.

I see a lot of misery too, i never said they are happy, it just that thier not alone with this misery

I was able to see that I only imagined that everyone else was mentally healthy

In iraq? I really don’t think there is healthy people, since most parents doesn’t even know what they are doing, and doesn’t know there is a mental side to human beings, you might thought that i mix mental illness with normies, that norimes are healthy, no, it doesn’t really matter what is his health issues, as long that he doesn’t see a problem with society, doesn’t mind fitting in and doing what everybody doing, say and think like everyone, thats a norime, even if he doesn’t do that and go intepented but then come with the same values and beliefs as a norime, then he is a norime, this is no hasty generalization, this is just a label to divide people, to see the ones that can understand me and the ones that can’t, the ones that worth wasting time on, usually i really don’t care if a person is a norime or not

you are a human

Yes i am, but i refuse to let my human self control me, tell me what to do and what not to do, i rebel

it is impossible for any human to refuse one’s programming

I just did :P, although its part of my programming, still though

I was too alone and too lonely for so long, with so much pain inside,

Wish i knew you back then, maybe you wouldn’t feel so lonely, but i doubt it, i would imagine a young girl alone, in somewhere in the middle east, suffering in silent, not knowing what to do.

I think that lifetime happiness is a myth

It sounds like you had such belief, when you were young, that you can be happy for a lifetime and good everyday.

but happy- no

What would it takes then? To be happy? Because the word happiness really means different things to different people, for me? I actually don’t like to say that word, its silly word that doesn’t say anything, i like to use contentment, joy, plasure, they describe what we wanna say accurately, i actually perfer dopamine instead of happiness, since its the closest thing that makes us “happy”

once people become rigid, they do fit in with other rigid people who rigidly hold on to the same ideas, no matter what evidence is presented to them

I remember i once talked to a female, and she was a Muslim, she had some ideas different from what quran said about women, i presented evidence to her, to help her see the truth, she actually was convinced that its her problem, have some doubts but it must be her understanding, its funny because no matter what i say or do, she won’t drop the belief (quran is perfect), its on the highest of her beliefs, and she dropped her logic, just because everyone believes in the same god, and she must comply, i remember she told me that i must try to fit in society, she was trying too, and i believe she gonna be miserable since she have a somehow a different mindset, but eventually she will fit in, and do what everybody does, she was already on this path,

this is what you mean by different people, but i say it doesn’t really matter how different they are, if they drop thier difference for society, for thier needs and desires, then they are by my definition a norime, i hated the fact that she dropped her logic and mind for society ideas, i would kill myself before i even accept anything from society, even the tiniest things, and this is a recipe for misery.

That was my “normie”/ rigid brain defending what’s already there

I have some normie ideas myself, i like the fact that you not only agree with me, but maybe believe me? Or you are just talking to me in my own language?, both possibilities shows how great of a person you are

By the way, i think norimes win, by fitting in into society and living life just like everybody, without thinking a lot, even if they have some difference with society, difference that doesn’t hold them back, i wish i had that ability, i see them as better in that regard, to be able to change, its more like evolution, fit in to survive, some doesn’t struggle much because they already have a programming that fit into society, programming made by society, some have difficulty but still do it, and then me, the one that refuses to fit in, a loser really if you ask me, not by society definition, but a loser by not even trying to fit in, not only im gonna be a loser now, but maybe for my whole life, with this mindset? Please, i won’t get so far, there is gonna be a time where im gonna beg for death, already happened before, and still here, still f**king here.

animal that doesn’t needs others

this is good on paper, but when we come to the real world, can you tell me how can apply this? how can i find a group that can understand me? that accept me? that can offer the things that won’t make me sick, and is those things free? or do i have to drop some values of mine? or destroy the persona i made?

i wanted to ask you something, we been talking for a long time, and i don’t think i ever asked you this, how are you ? and im asking in general, in life, how do you feel? are you happy? and why are you doing this? this whole talking and offering help

let me consider your self-diagnosis proposal.. I don’t think that it’s correct

it was actually sarcasm, since im very sarcastic person and you allowed me to show most of my ideas and self, i should’ve said its a joke lol

 I can assure you that a person with a personality disorder knows that there is something very wrong with him/ her, very wrong

yes, but the only difference is that he knows its a part of him, not an illness, not something extra that can go away with meds, as an example, a person who has depression thinks and feel as normal, with depression symptoms, a person with personality disorder thinks and feels differently from others,

another example, i once went to a therapist, a well known one, old and supposedly very good, i wanted a medical report from him so i can get money from the government, he asked some really silly (normies) question, i told him its been a mounth since i take meds, he asked “did you go out and had fun ? with your friends ? did you felt happy ?” his questions was so silly, how can i explain to him that i don’t even like this stuff ? friends or going out, that i don’t enjoy them, and meds doesn’t automatically change your personality, and that serotonin doesn’t make you happy, dopamine does, and actually zoloft makes you have less of that, i told him and he immediately thought im delusional, he did diagnose me with MDD and moderate paranoia, im honestly so tired of norimes and stupid people

you have a very strong need to not be grouped with other people, a very strong need to be seen as an individual unlike any other

i see this as a problem, not a quality, i also want to know why, but i can’t seem to put my hands on anything, with only MDD, it doesn’t explain my behavior, and as i said i don’t believe in the self, so there is something, other then MDD, that drive me to be me, i believe there is a reason why i think and feel and act the way i do now, i told you about the way i think, i only think about myself, my thoughts and feelings all on myself, i know that people don’t think like that, so i think differently, why? why do i feel im wasting my time if i think about someone other then myself, and when i think about people, only for few minutes, and usually they are tide to me, i know this is different, because i see people and the way the act doesn’t follow this type of thinking

 then it means that you have a personality disorder

i feel its a good place to go, its an only a theory, to explain why im the way i am, i actually wanted to create a whole new name, a new illness, but you already did a better one, maybe i should stop making theories, since i know i will never be sure, maybe its just MDD after all, its the most sure and logical answer.