And yes, when you told me maybe sth bad happened, I thought differently for one second. My primary opinion on how he doesn’t want to share anything bad and I am there to face it together so all baggage is on me and not on them, has not changed. It’s not correct.

But for one second, my perspective shifted from “victim” to something else. I am looking at this issue from a victim’s perspective, feeling so much bitterness. I have to work on that victim perspective that occurs when something like this happens. I should never think like a victim.

Although I kind of know something bad didn’t happen for her. I would know, he would tell me.

But i feel like if this habit of his, not sharing hardships but also helping out goes on, i don’t know what’s gonna happen. I cannot unsee my feelings, unsee my effort. All this years of effort of mine deserves being prioritized by him. If his sister cannot manage all that money without paying rent and getting help from the family, she could ask for help and get some, but not in this form. She should know better, learn better. All my effort should never finance that sort of lazy behavior.

The level of support felt through this fast reply explaining how to delete, is un-real.

I am really lucky to have posted here and got a reply from you years back.

Hey. I hope you are amazing, it’s now November, 4 months since we last spoke.

Lots of things have resolved and many other problems have arisen since then. Got some chances to realize marriage is not an easy thing when I had to do my work in a tight schedule, see family, do many compulsory chores in order to complete my bureaucratic things, almost go crazy and calm back down and also at the same time, try to manage the balance between two families. In fact, three in my case, almost as my mom and dad are also married to other people.

I learnt that mom was not happy and in fact suffocating in her marriage, got her into thinking straight when she was talking about leaving the house on her own to work alone start all over again. Such stupidity, with my honestly and not with rude feelings. It’s a stupid thing to do. I told her that she did this to me in the past, leave house and work/stay on your own alone raise two girls. That was painful enough for me to sympathise and try to help during my childhood, I would not be able to handle that today, again, from all the way afar. So doesn’t matter what happens, divorce or not, I was able to persuade her into not leaving the home like that.

Pride, what a toxic thing? What a tricky thing to have! I despise it. I reaaallllly DESPISE pride. And you know what? I don’t believe in pride. It’s not pride. Something else. I have some ideas but haven’t cooked my ideas well yet. Some people, just cannot think straight.

It’s like I get it if you neglect your own self and think of others. Think of your children woman. So irrational, so emotional, so manipulated and also not intentionally manipulative.

During all that, the other family, my partners’ wanted to meet my own. They persisted for months, can see why of course, I get it. They got tickets and got to the city while I was there to quickly handle 2-3 urgent things. So we made a plan and had everything worked out besides some of my health checks I wanted to do but cancelled in order to make them happy.

Which made me unhappy right after.

They should’ve seen how much of a chaos I was in, and they should’ve prioritized my health checks, since I couldn’t do them easily and affordably away where I live. But I chose to make them happy then. Couldn’t see it. I secretly resent them for that.

But also, my partner should’ve communicated that. He couldn’t, he’s not very good in communicating with family. I kind-of understand that.

Remember when I told you about my partner giving a lot of money for her sister to get her a phone? I felt so bad after hearing about this. It happened again when I was not aware. Turns out he, out of the blue, given her one month salary worth money when she was not even asking. When we were talking about money at some point, he must’ve felt guilty and told me. I cried. I tried to tell him that how much of a stress I am going through and doing everything I can to save up, when he did this without asking me. I tried to make him understand how his sister is in very good hands, lives in a family house, no rent, can easily save up. Not like me, at all, and we’re almost same age, she’s older than me. And in this situation, this is heartbreaking. He promised to never do anything like that again. I hope that I haven’t came across as selfish or, i don’t know, bad. It’s a very hard subject.

I can see what is happening. When something is not just, I can see it. I might not fight for it, but seeing and protecting yourself is important. He is not in a just position, within the family I think. Other siblings one way or another use resources of the family. He is all alone, and I was/am/will be there when he is in need. Vice versa. Before them, I was there. Before them, I will be there to worry. It’s what it is.

I cannot, in anyway, accept that he would support other siblings financially. I can accept that the family is not seeing it and he’s all alone. That’s okay, we would be all on our own. That was my whole plan. But I cannot accept him supporting them. I mean, how in the world he does not see that. I don’t know.

Both my rationale and my child-self who was not supported/given money to spend on something trivial for once, by a father or by a older sibling or a older relative, cannot accept it. I burst into tears just thinking about it.

I would kill for an apartment all to me from my family. All to me, no rent, no stress, no landlord to try to get rid of me. That girl who couldn’t find a flat and had to live with others also cannot accept having him support her like that, out of blue. I bet she didn’t even tell the family, how much of a financial support she got from him. She is not a bad person. He should be able to find this balance. somehow.

But I could never hold it in. Now we’re living together, I am still trying so hard for my work, committed to be successful in anyway, seeing hardships as a test, that will someday end and make me proud. Without any religion, I am surprised that I could be this faithful. Continuing to do so, hoping that these types of problems would not shadow my relationship and somehow soon, I would finally relax having accomplished with financial stability.

I might have to find a way to delete or change content within this post after you read it. It’s too much sensitivity that I would be really afraid for someone to find out. Idk.

It seems like you also live close to the north pole, a bit. But not sure. I hope you have had a nice Jan and February. I appreciate your responds a lot, thank you for your understanding and companionship.

Yes, I have been realizing more and more how others are able to ASK, without guilt, or shame. I try to make sure I am not stepping on anyone, upsetting anyone or using my credits within people. I learned to think that I have a limited amount of credit in people and always tried to act upon that so that I wouldn’t lose anyone outside of my control. It’s even like “use your resources cautiously so that you would have them when you most need it” type of mentality. I do that with people, money, everything. The only thing I do not act accordingly with this mentality is myself and my own resources, my attention, my emotions and so on.

However, seeing that how others can carelessly ask for stuff, trivial or important stuff, they do not care about the credit they have within people. They just ask, act, live. Some of them do that in a spoiled way and that has driven me crazy as you saw in my previous posts.

I also always acted with a passive thought in my mind that is “resource can be limited, be careful“. Therefore, when I do have access to resources, money or any food/stuff I am buying for the house, I always think with a “you might not be able to find this thing again, or in this price, so act accordingly, with caution.” Even years before we had this global crisis and war, I had my mind on stocking stuff within my financial power that time in my house so that I would be safe, for another 2 months maybe.

This is something I am realizing clearly now. I am in a country with less inflation, so stocking stuff doesn’t seem too rational to me and I might also need the money regarding the job situations. So when I stop myself from buying that extra detergent, I realize my old habits of seeing resources and money. How that has affected me in every possible way. My mind practically had a war and a global crisis at all times.

Also the friend of me here, which was the reason I posted this specific post has randomly tried to give me a toothpaste when I was visiting. She founded the tube in her bag, instead of taking it to the bathroom, she offered it to me. I kindly rejected, said “oh why would you, put it there and use it, I also have it and can purchase an-nytime.”, then she commented on that saying “you never accept things easily, just accept it for god’s sake” and went to the bathroom to put it there instead.

I already knew that feature of mine, but it got me thinking even more. Instead of instantly rejecting a random thing that was offered to me, why my first instinct is not accepting? Those people that I have resented for being spoiled, and some of them I still do have those types of feelings towards, their first instinct would have been to accept it. Either it is money, products, anything.

Thank you for rationalizing or better yet, appreciating/accepting my feelings in the previous post.

It feels like I am even more closer to my own-self here far away from practically everyone else that has a big space in my mind till today, and my own-self actually feels like the moments of my passions and good feelings I had in my childhood on my own. Those little moments that I was in my head, living the moment on my own. Those feel like the moments that I was my authentic self the most.

I would wish that we could have came here together at the same time with my partner as I wouldn’t worry about finances or anything else this much, but as a result of my solitude here for months (already 5 months here alone, it’s crazy how time passes), I am observing myself and my past a lot. And I can really feel how these job crises and other emotional hardships of moving here alone has contributed to my confidence, I can feel the slight changes each day and how it actually feels to actually build a life with small steps. The only problem we have with my partner is slight jealousy stuff that don’t get bigger (and i was the one being jealous), financials since i don’t feel safe and he doesn’t have a job at the moment and still applies, and he gets depressive when he gets rejected by each job. I sometimes get a bit afraid if I am investing my financials and health into him in the right way.

I try to save up more for any type of expenses that might arise from the fact that we still haven’t evacuated the flat with the lawsuit and have paid for many stuff in the past 5 months, he also paid as well but maybe not as much as I did? I sometimes stop and think if I did good or not. Can I trust him that way, would he put the same effort as myself and work, earn and actually make me feel better about all the stuff we have faced. It’s like, I am putting myself at risk but with intentions that he would be worth doing that. So far, I don’t think he would use me. But I guess I have a built in fear about being used. He doesn’t have that, so I tried to explain my anxiety on financials. He made his applications even more aggressively afterwards and tried to report me in some way how he’s also trying. He understood and maybe found himself in the wrong and trying better. These types of thoughts make me feel stingy, or weird, but all I am trying to do is to make sure that I am not being used. I start having expectations of him earning more than me once he comes (hence the skills he has) and therefore I can feel more secure in the long run.

whosh huh what did I just do there, it feels like I’ve just poured 20 years of wound. It was painful to write, and think but I somehow feel more relief. Still surprised that all those came out after one sentence from my BF. It was just a funny memory to him. I cried for more than an hour writing those, feels very weird. I cried about stuff that has happened 15 years ago, 3,033 kms away. How much distance does that make? Looked up the kilometers btw.

Thank you Anita, it’s decided that I will have to leave and find a new job, I’ll do that with the best of my abilities. Grieved a bit, it feels like my grief is ending slowly and then I will work on improving myself for another job where I wouldn’t be treated like this.

On the other side, I am seeing examples of how other “care-free” people, how other irresponsible people gets to be treated with lots of help. It kind of started to affect me a lot, observing my thoughts. I have always had something towards those people. The thoughts that I can collect:

– This week we have heard that my uncle’s heart condition has gotten a bit serious and he’s in need of a serious treatment or he’ll just die. My mom called me to ask, “if we can find a treatment, can he stay at your apartment during the treatment? (where my current BF lives)” I told her that I would do my best, it’s not exactly my house right now since he lives in it. I’ll ask kindly and I’ll hope he’ll accept that. However, then I got angry.

The reason why he got this sick is that he continued with his terrible alcoholism even after a heart attack & all doctors told him not to do that!!! with lots of exclamation points. He has a toxic family, his two children, especially the little one, asks for money all the time, always finding financial excuses for him to be unsuccessful at school. Probably will fail (I’ve been trying to provide him support, the child, so that he’ll succeed in exams but he’s not doing anything and he’s accepting that he’s lazy.) Blames on financial stuff, pandemic and so on.

My mother has supported that family a lot. A lot that she actually has been a mother to my uncle when she was supposed to be my mother. I reminded that to my mother recently, in that phone call.

That uncle has been visiting our home, after my mom’s divorce: we were living together with my mom, and she was unemployed back then trying to handle some jobs like sewing, etc. herself and trying to make ends meet with me (primary school) and my sister (going to university back then). My uncle visited our house every week asking for money, crying, telling about his own terrible life and conditions. He made the second child in order to save the relationship but it failed, and even I was angry that he created another life in those so called poor conditions.

Nothing has changed, he has never been able to give us a good impression. I have learned that his wife actually tricked him into thinking she had cancer and took lots of money from him in the past years, which was a lie. She didn’t have cancer. Lots of toxic stuff, always had some relations to money.

I reminded my mother that he actually not only harmed her, but also me.

He could’ve just asked her, how are you, you recently got divorced. How are you? He never did that, it was always about how he needed so much stuff, how he couldn’t even buy a bread towards home for that child waiting.

I am honestly sick of this. Really, honestly, very very much sick of this shit where care-free people always count on others and somehow always get something from them. They turn their life hell, but also effect others. I have never spent too much on anything, and always thought of my next rent, which I don’t feel regretful about. Maybe I cannot enjoy life as others? I don’t care. I wouldn’t enjoy without feeling safe anyways, so I postpone my joy. Last year, there has been an incident where my uncle was a guest in my mom’s house, I was not there, and he drank too much alcohol and then attacked randomly. My step-father had to jump to him, hold him in floor lying so that he wouldn’t harm anyone including himself. He is sick, and I got so angry hearing about these. In this random attacking, my mom’s knee was bruised. After this final incident, my step-father had to step in and called it a day. Told me, “That’s it, he will not be a part of our life anymore, he harmed your mother enough, you stay away from him too, he’s sick, that’s all.”  And I was relieved. Because this fight was only one incident from our lives, he always drank too much alcohol, shouting, even getting arrested by police because of some neighbors calling police. He always made me uncomfortable when I was a child, even though, I was able to connect with him because he was soft/emotional. This was the reason why my mom always tried to find a solution for him financially or in practice like finding him jobs.

I don’t feel bad about him anymore, my priority is not him. His children can do that. I don’t have any emotion there besides anger. I don’t have energy for those people anymore. I was affected without my consent, I didn’t even chose to help him, but my mother did. One of the reasons why I started working so early was the fact that I saw and heard about those money problems. He could’ve just worked in one job, stayed there for lots of time and then get his shit together. Instead, he always wanted to get rich, so he never chose to earn in a humble way. But he is filled with anger and resentment towards everyone that has earned humble. He always found my mom to blame, “You were lucky, you got lucky.”, “I didn’t raise my children like you, they are not as lucky as yours, so they have a right to be unsuccessful, I cannot force them.”

I was not successful in school, not at all. I am realizing how emotionally insecure I felt during primary school and I have never focused in class. Never. Always trying to find a distraction, always. My success came in when I started to earn money and then I got confidant a bit more and more and that was all my success.

I felt relieved that my step-dad was healthy enough to protect my mom from him. He has healthier boundaries, my mom has none. Maybe because of the fact that her parents died young, he always felt the need to take care of her siblings. They were 8 brothers and sisters, 3 of them died in childhood and one of them died when I was a child, from cancer. 4 were left, and the oldest brother is this one. The other two are trying to make their own ends meet. They have learned how to do that with the help of my mom at last.

Maybe you already know this, but in muslim countries, there are festive periods in each year where old people in the family give money to young ones, like rituals. Stuff like Ramadan or stuff like that, children always collect money and count it, feel better, etc. They have never given me that experience. I was never able to collect money like that, like a normal child. So I still feel resentment towards that.

So after this news, that he is very seriously ill and might die, my mom was so sad, and the boundary that I felt good about, the boundary that needed to exist 20 years ago, has been once again broken.

When she asked me to persuade my BF into staying with my uncle, which is very toxic, and might even talk about my old BFs to him (why not? he doesn’t act intentionally, and he might blurp and make him uncomfortable) and even the fact that me persuading my BF into staying with my uncle can harm us. And when I think about how bad I can be influenced again? I feel so much anger. He is not the only reason why I have wounds, I have so many other areas and people, like my father. But I might say that the reason why I find so much “value-related meaning” in money stems from my dad, my uncles, and some other newer people in my like that has contributed my root-wounds. Like my father creating that I am no worthy of spending money over and then it gets stronger with what my uncles did and my mom has more issues financially, and since those were not hidden from me, I see everything and act accordingly and then learn, learn learn, and then the people in my life also act like it or I just collect all the clues where they do act stingy. So that’s probably what has happened.

I am not sure if I created a good story line, but what made me write this long post? We have talked with my BF today, right before writing these. Just a random conversation. He told me that last year, he has sent money o his sister (which is one year older than me) so that she could buy an expensive phone to her. Because of the inflation and everything, it’s not very easy to buy those. Instead of using a economical one (which he’s been using the same device since we met, which is also economical) he sent her some money so that she could buy the phone she has been wanting to have. Instead, she went and bought a tv and then that tv got faulty, stuff like that, troubles and troubles. He just told me this story making fun of this. “She could’ve bought the phone and then she wouldn’t need the tv, which she cannot use anymore anyways, lol” in type of way. Not sounding resentful in any way. Not blaming her, just appreciating and accepting how she is. I haven’t met her, but she is like the youngest of 3 siblings and acts like it. I am also the youngest of 2 siblings, and I don’t act remotely like the younger sister. The sister compare doesn’t hurt me as much. I don’t care about the affection I should’ve gotten from my sister. I don’t expect anything from there financially or emotionally anymore, I think. I am grateful as long as she can take care of herself. The part that hurts me most is the fact that he was able to do that to her, the acception, affection, “you should have better than me, you want it more than me and you deserve it” type of mind, he doesn’t care if he has a better phone and thinks she should have it, because why not.”

Not because she would do anything good with it, just because she wants it.

I think of what I was told, when everyone else was handed in nice phones around 2009-2010 and I also want one for myself but never had courage to ask for it, from anyone. Everyone including the successful friends, unsuccessful ones, doesn’t matter was getting a phone. I still remember how my step-mother maybe guessed that I might also want a phone, and then hinted that to my father. He was so stingy, the stingiest person I’ve ever seen. Because of that hint, he made an indirect comment saying everyone deserves stuff, and what did I do to deserve a phone? Nothing. If I was successful, maybe.

Then after some time, step-mom was successful. She made him buy me a humble phone which I got so excited about. That might be the last thing I kind of have him bought for me in that sense. I have never asked anything from him and always got my stuff myself. Step-mom was a healthy person, I still feel grateful for her. She did “what mom did for my sister for ages”. She did what a thoughtful person would do. I find that valuable, but I also find pain in what she did, because she felt the need to do that. It wasn’t that he didn’t have money by the way, but he basically didn’t like spending on us.

Another feeling I can think of was from a secret santa from primary school.

Background information: He was surprisingly good to others, which I’ve mentioned before. I have never grasp that fully until I started reading about narcissistic tendencies. He was never giving to me, never generous to me in any way, but always trying to impress others. Others in life that he didn’t have. He also tried to impress my friends, probably aiming to impress their families. This has harmed me a lot. Even turned me against my friends, never acted on it but I was seeing the contradiction and having feelings towards it. I spill something in the house, and I was treated so bad. But a friend of mine, a guest, spills something, breaks something, acts care-free, and doesn’t get anything besides more good behaviors. I saw all that, couldn’t say anything, couldn’t understand why, just observing. All in all, that was the friend that deserved her phone after phone because she was successful. I still have that friend, she is healthy, still successful. I did resented or had jealousy in the past, but not anymore. I have moved on from her, but kept that toxic feelings with other care-free people. Maybe really care-free this time. Got better observation skills maybe?

So this tendency to care for others in my dad, happened in secret santa. We shopped and got the boy I was giving the gift to – a nice toy, a nice ball and a something to hang on the wall. I still remember, it was a creative gift, moderate but not so cheap I feel, something that we thought of. He loved the gift. And then I was gifted something from another boy, that I didn’t think was bought for me. Maybe his mom bought a deodorant and she didn’t like the smell, so they gave it to me. I kind of got angry with that boy then, I told him that I was sorry and angry about it. He was clueless, maybe forgot the thing one hour later. I still remember that day and feel guilty because how irrespective of me to dislike a gift. I wouldn’t be able to direct my bad feelings towards my dad, I didn’t know who was responsible for that bad feeling. So I understand that misdirection now.

Maybe I still feel conflicted, confused about these. My BF is a generous person, I know that in theory, feeling it, but haven’t experienced that yet in a way that would make me sure. He got me one gift that felt good, it was last year’s new year. I felt so confused because of that. Then I started to think to myself, maybe I am becoming like that at last, receiving and giving expensive gifts. Then there were financial instabilities in his life, and my house got confusing, the lawsuit, the expenses of the lawsuit and all, I’ve still been paying for most of the expenses there even though I rented a house here in another country. I didn’t want to ask from him in a bad way, so I just said to myself, one more month of rent, one more, one more till I feel insecure. This was possible because I worked two jobs at the same time last year. Maybe me doing that, not asking him to pay directly, was a result of me thinking he was not in a perfect situation and I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. He was not like not paying for anything, he offered me his help in different ways. I haven’t took most of them, but accepted once. So maybe I also felt bad there, I was thinking about so many stuff, in order to not hurt anyone, and actually, the surprising thing is that I am able to do that. I have worked a lot and maybe I was lucky in saving money. But learning about how he actually sent lots of money to his sister for a phone, which is older than me, feels bad. I hate these thoughts, I shouldn’t be thinking about these stuff. But I do. I haven’t said anything when he told me that, I just responded randomly and then we got off the phone and then I started crying. Writing these, I see it more clearly, but I don’t think sharing these thoughts with him would result in a good way. Maybe omitting the sister part, and then talking about it would make more sense.