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Hi KK. Double thumbs up to you 🙂 Thank you for writing!AmyParticipant
Hi Miya. You are strong and you do have the energy to go on.
13 years ago I met someone and I fell in love. I thought he was my soul mate and we started a relationship 10 years ago, and that relationship ended last year. I betrayed his trust and he betrayed mine. We hurt each other unintentionally and intentionally. We claimed we loved each other but we were unhappy, but I absolutely did not want to live my life without him. After the relationship ended, we remained in contact and I was filled with resentment, guilt, anger, sadness, and longing. I wanted to fix the relationship and I wanted him to fall in love with me once again. In my thoughts, I would re-play all the cruel things he did and said. In my thoughts, I would also re-play all the love and kindness he showed me. For years I felt like I was living in hell. I basically tortured myself and I tortured him. After years of putting myself through this hell, I broke-down and I decided that I couldn’t do this anymore. I have to take responsibility for my life and accept that I was making myself unhappy. It was time for me to stop entertaining myself with the painful stories and it was time for me to stop entertaining myself with even the sweet & romantic stories. It was time for me to stop calling him to ask why he doesn’t love me anymore and to stop trying to get answers. I suffered because I wanted to hold on. I desperately wanted to hold on to him and I wanted to hold on to the future I constructed in my imagination. For 10 years I had been telling myself (and I believed) that I needed him. But, I realize now that needing someone is the fastest way to kill a relationship.
I was severely depressed because, for the longest time, I made someone else responsible for my sense of worth and my self-esteem.
It was time for me to start loving myself. Think loving thoughts to myself. Say loving words to myself. Do loving things to myself. (and to other people).
I silently say “I give him away” every time I get an urge to see contact him and whenever I become fixed on the idea that “we are meant to be together”. The tighter I hold on to him, the more I suffered!
I silently say “Everything is okay and I don’t have to worry about anything” whenever I am about to get consumed by fearful thoughts.
My state of being is up to me. Some days are harder than others, but some days are easier than others.
There is no right or wrong way, so do it your way. If you think seeking professional help is something you want to do, then try it out. If you think time will slowly heal you, then try ‘letting time heal you’.
I tried out everything that I could think of 🙂 I sought out professional help. I cried. I screamed. I blamed people. I isolated myself. I stayed in bed a lot. I picked up new hobbies. I took walks. I called my friends. I meditated. I medicated. I prayed. I volunteered my time to help others. I did nothing. I read inspiring stories. I listened to music. I watched movies. I read tons of self-help books. I picked at my emotional wounds. I drove on the freeway for hours so I can ‘get away’. I gave myself a break from thinking.
You said, “I don’t know what to do now” —- love yourself. Notice who and what you are being, doing, and having, and see whether it serves you.
Thank you Miya for sharing your story and thank you for reading mine.