A lot of life is trial and error, trying different things and seeing what works best for you at a given time. Part of problem solving is changing how you feel. And part is learning new skills that help you know how to do what you want to do. First, it helps to feel better. Second, to problem solve.

Also, some things may work at one phase in your life but not at another. You may try something, or meet someone, and hate it, or them, the first time, but grow to love them or it later on. What makes something, or someone, worthwhile is that you’ve tried it out and come back to it or them. A lot of growth and learning is a slow process that is hard to see on the surface. Developing new skills, patterns and relationships takes practice, and things and people change slowly. Two steps forward, one step back. Trying this. Trying that. Completely normal and par for the course.

Some practical suggestions which may or may not work for you: 1) working with other people on almost any task (studying, projects, cooking, etc.) is almost always easier than trying to do it alone, 2) having a routine helps, 3) exercise is great for changing your mood (if you find a kind you enjoy and that works well with your schedule, look at classes, not just the gym), if that doesn’t work, try standing in a cold shower or going swimming, that can work too, as can changing your diet, 4) get input from a lot of different people; you can learn a lot, and see common patterns, if you get many peoples’ input, just a few won’t reveal as much, 5) trying the same thing usually gives the same results, so try different approaches.

But here’s what I”ve found to be a real secret (again with the caveat that it isn’t for everyone and may not answer your question). Are you ready? Weakness is good.

You say that you want meaningful relationships. It took me a long time to learn this and understand it. It sounds counter-intuitive. And it’s only after having been through enough big life events and problems that I finally came to see it often enough to understand it. People connect through their weakness, their vulnerability, not through their strength. And often what you see as “strength” is really the nice bits shown with the difficult bits hidden. Many people are more comfortable with that then with vulnerability.

It’s the old story of the greatest sword master in ancient Japan who finds out that there is another master in the country rumored to be greater than he. Baffled and disturbed he jumps on his horse, rides for three days, and finding the other master, spins him around and says, “Do you know? That I could kill you with one blow from my sword?” And the other master, calmly replies, “Do you know? I could let you?”

Now which do you think is harder? Being the one wielding the sword? Or the one allowing the blow? Which takes more courage? Who is more self possessed? Comfort with vulnerability is much harder than what we normally think of as strength. More often than not, though not always, hardness is a defense against fear, not true courage.

It was only after recent experiences where I needed to express things in a very truthful and vulnerable way to people I was distant from that I was amazed at the connection it created between us. And it amazed me to find the goodness and strength in people I didn’t necessarily consider my inner circle. Maybe under the right conditions anyone you share the truth with is someone you can feel connected with. (Of course this comes with the caveat that you and they have to have enough internal development, awareness and comfort with expressing how you feel that you can handle it reasonably well.)

It seems counterintuitive, but think about it for a moment. People who have been around long enough know that life has good times and bad, ups and downs, pain and peace. And most folks know the areas in life that can cause the most struggle: family, relationships, money, health, and most decent people have compassion. It’s something we forget. People have compassion for those struggling with the same things they too have struggled with. People know that life can be hard.

What I’ve come to understand was that I thought if I was really well put together then people would like me. But it is actually when I tell people that I’m in need of help, that they and I bond. This isn’t only true for me. I’ve seen it happen with others. What connects people is understanding and sharing experiences. And hard times bring both.

You want to be accomplished and well put together in order to connect with others, but, actually, it is your imperfections that allow you to be seen by others and loved. This isn’t philosophy. Did you ever wonder why in the movies the protagonist is seen as vulnerable? Even Superman could be hurt by Kryptonite. Luke Skywalker loses his family, his father. And the more mechanical and “powerful” Darth Vader becomes, the less human he is. People can not relate to invulnerable, perfect people. They love others because of their vulnerability and what they struggle through.

The same, by the way, is true of exercise. People assume that strength is in big feats, hard bodies and forceful displays. But actually that is not often true, and quite often there is a hidden cost. It can be true that the greatest physical power comes from gentleness and relaxation. I’ve seen it demonstrated hundreds of times.

If you are looking for relief, try to find people who know the power of gentleness, look in places where these people would be. And then respectfully and honestly tell them the truth.

Power comes from connection, and love. And learning what strength is begins when you can dare to be weak.