Dear Anita,

Is this all my feeling problems is caused by my mom..?

Actually i dont really understand about this part :”If you become aware of your original pain, if it comes up from underneath, bit by bit, the pain will lessen and lessen over time”

How to make the original pain comes up..?

Is that okay if I’m not seeing the psychotherapist for this time..? Could u please help me to aware of my original pain..?

Do you thought that i feel low self esteem, etc is because of my mom..? Btw, actually my mom left us when i was still a toddler.. around 4 years old.. i can’t remember her face, and didn’t want to see her picture. So.. for several years, i didn’t know where she is, how is she, and her face. Until oneday, after my Father passed away, i met her. She cried when looked at me, but i don’t know i cant cry..

Years by years without her, i feel really hate her. Some family, siblings, etc ask me, “do you want to see ur mom” and my answer always the same.. “No”

My father’s family also always blame me if my house is dirty, i can’t cook, i can’t take care of my father, etc.. actually i also didn’t look like another girl, that have cute stuff a lot, that have hairstyles and cosmetic etc, I’m still feminime, but i looked didn’t do self care. And sometimes i don’t  understand the way to do self care/girly stuff. Even when my father passed away, he is really skinny. And his sisters that is my aunty, rather blame me, she said that i can’t really take care of my dad. Even though, i’ve tried my best to take care of him.. every day i always worried and don’t want to see him suffering.. for me, my Dad is everything.. i always put him as my first priority. my life before is really dark i think.. my Dad’s economy also not really good but still enough luckily.. so, those days, we concern about money more than another thing else.

Until after my dad passed away, someone told me, if i forgive my mom, my future will be more good. Healthy also for my psychology. When i was at home, i pray.. that day i really forgive her.

I hope i can be cured Anita.. i want to be normal.. to think normally and wisely..

Thank you Anita.

Dear Anita,

I’m not really worried about homeless or something like that. Because I’ve been through those all when my Father passed away.. so that’s why, when that thing u called dark mode in my heart came up, it’s feels really hurt and make me don’t wanna live.

i know in this world, there are so much another beautiful things.. but I don’t know why i still always look at him and all of my thought just for him. I think he is the number one of my priority. Actually he said i also the number one for him. But why sometimes my heart feels I’m not always the number one of his priority…

for this several days, when I didn’t post here, i tried to focus on another thing and busy on my task(at workplace).. but yesterday, when he told me that he has reunion with his friends, and he didn’t ask me to accompany him. I ask, “normally u ask me to accompany u.. why this time u did different..?” He said because there are only men. And he mentioned her name, that she didn’t get invite.
The time i hear he mentioned her name, i flashback again and remember all of his chat for her.. i just thought.. “whatever i tried to tell him that I jealous, etc.. the fact, he still can chat her.. even he said from that time he stop, but my pain still here.. still can’t forget..”

this all of my thought.. i know it looks like I’m selfish,etc.. but i write here because i want to change my thought.. rewire everything. Healing my pain..

Thank you Anita..

Dear Anita,

I still can’t forget him from my thought.. when he didn’t chat me from morning until lunch.. I tried hard to not think about what he did or he didn’t.. but it’s always in my thought.. it’s torture me.. feels like he didn’t care to me,etc. it’s feels real. Plus I remember his care and his aggressive in chat with her..

But this time i choose to keep silent and try to focus myself to another thing… and i post here also..

Thank you Anita

Dear Anita,

*The part that u didn’t understand, I’ll re-explain it more. 🙂

-> Re-read : When he is at home, he always do anything that he love (like ignore me), most of time he waste by playing his game. I feel he did that because he bored at me.. Even though, he chat another girl that he will be bored if she didn’t come to office.

Yes he did it when we were still dating. He said to me that he can’t be romantic. He treat me just the way he is, completely no mask, nothing he covered up from me.. no romantic dinner, no formally anniversary celebration, no surprise gifts. But he likes to hug and kiss me a lot when we dated. After married, he still hug and kiss me, but not as much as he used to. Sometimes, those things that make me worried also. I feel also that he could not really talking to me use heart to heart.

Actually the fact is she still single anita..

* –>another part that u didnt understand is about this..

Re-read : She said that she will take a day off that day. Then in chat, he said :”oh tomorow will be boring. Please come to the office tomorrow” then she said :”witney(another colleague) will come to the office” he said “it’s different, i want to tell u what happen yesterday” –> i guess he want to tell her that i and him fight the night before.

He admit to me that he ever told her about our married problem at least 2/3 times and he said he was wrong and he will not do that again..

He didn’t say to me Merry Christmas.. he never give me greeting for special events like that. I don’t know why..

Umm.. about how he treat me before..  since we dated, for me he is not a romantic person, sometimes easy to be angry.. but he still care about me, he never let me go or he also will never go even i encounter hard time, sometimes he buying something for me (everything that i like such as books, bags, etc) – he is not rich but he always spent his money for me without i asking, buy some food that i like mostly for boost my mood. The only one his lack is i can’t really feel talk with him use heart to heart.. i mean, he don’t like to talk about such as express feeling, he just measure anything using his logic, etc. I don’t know, is the logical men always like that?

And if ur question is he treat me more attentively, generously than he does now. My answer is sometimes and depend on the situation.. for example,before we married, after we fight, he often come to me and hug me, or when we were on seperate place, he call me for ending the problem with some calm talk.. sometimes he shows his aggravation with pinch my cheek.. but after married, days after days, months after months we’ve been through.. he didn’t do that thing again.. he let the situation still not good and just say “just hurry sleep, I’m tired..”

Honestly,  i can’t controlled my mind yesterday.. i just ask him.. why are u marrying me? Are u feel bored at me..? Then accidently i mention about his chat that he bored when she didn’t come to the office. He looks confused about what i talking about and swear that he never feel like that. Then he said maybe it’s just joke to her. Then i said that i want to change not too posesive, but he should chat with me more intimate. Then after that, he become angry.. he looks dissapointed because i always mention about it.. he feels that he already did intimate chat/if he didn’t he want me to chat him also. Then he said again that he doesn’t like this topic and he also doesn’t have any feeling to her, he just assume her as friend. Then the environment become cold and he really angry.. i feel guilty also, why i can’t refrain myself, my brain from those thought. I already promise him that I won’t mention and ask about his feeling again, because he said it’s also hurt him.. i don’t know and don’t understand, i just want to make sure.. thats my intention, only want to make myself relieved.. why he feels hurt..? But i already promise him.. I should try and make sure that it won’t happen again.. ?

*I’m sorry i don’t really understand about ur last paragraph.. maybe make it clearly or use example so i can understand what does it mean..

Thank you Anita..

Dear Anita,

“Unfortunately, ur husband can’t fill that hole…” is that because of he can’t or even if my husband is different person, is that also can’t fill the hole (i ask this not because wanna blame him, but i curious)? Is the problem : the part that empty of my heart..?

This day i feel down again.. I’ve re read ur answer, the other side of my heart still hurt and it’s also triggered when my husband didn’t chat me continuously and excitedly.. he just say something that i called “sending report”

Even i told him i don’t like it. I also want to change not to be possessive anymore. I don’t know why he still do this to me.

His figure for me : when at chat, he could be cold and reapeadly his word day by day. When he besides me, he could be really nosy and never shame to show me about anything he is, he could show his love by buying me something i love (but its not for a surprise), i thought when he with his friends, he could also tell the fact (he always tell the fact, even it’s not a good news for them)

U said that if he like or feel her special, he will impress with expensive stuff (chocolate, etc) and didn’t tell that she fatter. He could do that to me also actually. He could make a joke to me like that, such as “wow thats a good chair, u definitively like it. But i don’t have those money” or “hooouu u become fatter”.

And how about “is she married?” I answer she is still single.. i still curious why u ask about her status.. is that could influence ur answer before..?

I really hope he could keep on his promise..

Because in my heart it still wedge up. Since we can’t control others mind and feeling..

Thank you Anita..

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for replying me so clearly and really a lot of explanation that make me feels better. I don’t realize that what happen in the past that really matters and make me like this.

Actually maybe it’s also the habit from i was a teenager, when i like someone else, i always convincing myself that he is not care or thought about me. Thats because i don’t want to hope too high. I already realize that i also do this with my husband.. what’s the matter for me that i worried still strugle for tommorow is how to forget that he care to another woman more than to me..? I worried that he compare me to her.. i also don’t know how he treat her at the office.. what should i do to convince my heart and brain to trust him..?

For the temporary and for make me aware of my obsession, I’ll  read ur answer about his chat to her more than once.. and convince myself little by little..

Thank you so much for warning me not too much possesive to him, not making him feel bad. Do you have any suggestion how to decrease my paranoid/possesive thought..? And also.. actually i live like live in his life.. My attention just for him, honestly not attention to really care about him, but attention to get his attention (ofcourse sometimes i care about him instead but most of time, i focus on his attention). i don’t  know why and i really hard to stop that.

Indeed, i can just literally daydreaming (i mean not doing anything, just seatdown then thinking about him or waiting him to come to me). It’s really annoyed me actually..a i tried to do another thing, it’s not working. Like my mood is depend on him(sometimes i mean. But most of time like that).

I want to be a better person, woman, wife actually.. but sometimes, i don’t have high self esteem. i also feel not as good as her (his friend i mean).. i know no one is perfect and everyone have their own abilities. But since i to possessive/obsessive to him, my world like gone. What i usually do when i was still single, it’s gone.. sometimes i tried to go back to my old hobbies, i felt bored and i can leave them all offhand when he come to me. Even it’s when i in workplace, i also could just thought about him especially when he didn’t chat me.. But he totally different, he can play game for several hours. He can work without worrying or ask my attention..

It’s drive me crazy everyday.. i want to change..

Thank you Anita.. because of ur explanation, i really feel better and not really worry like the first time i know it and tell u..

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much. It’s really help me

Nia

Hi Anita.. okay I’ll be waiting for your answer.. Thank you so much