Why do I get so nostalgic? I did it with my ex as well! I almost did it today. I gathered the last of my belongings from my Aunts house and almost could not finish, almost wanted to stop and just ask her why she was hurting me so much. And just wanted things to go back to the way they were! And I still do. It taking everything I have not to reach out. I did reach out to my brother who lives here and asked if we could talk. He hasn’t got back to me. I almost regret it now. But he keeps calling me about things and acts as nothing happened. I need to tell him how hurt I am from what he accused me of and he never even acknowledged it!! The treatment I have got is unfair!!

And you are right, I forget this man abused me for so long. I have always had it on my head if he could hurt someone else.

Anita, the way I feel right now is so numb and empty. How can things ever be good again? I need support, I need someone by my side. Is it unhealthy to look for a man at this time? I need someone to hold me!!! I’m so dead inside, I don’t want to be like this forever. Please help!

You are so right but there are good times and good things about these people. I only say this because I have been meeting so many new people and been to many new places in my single life and honestly, people aren’t that great. My brothers aren’t that great but have done good things and are at least entertaining when we are in good terms. They have bad ways about them but are not horrible people. I may only be saying this because I am so empty right now that I am desperately seeking something. I need sleep Anita! I have been forgetting things and feeling numb and then depressed and then empty. I know it’s not normal. You cannot really take my response as myself right now. I don’t feel the self love I had last week the self love I had to leave my aunts house, the self love to deal with the shame and depression and sadness alone, I’m on the verge of reaching out to someone. I need some love in my life. I feel that I don’t deserve this empty feeling. I am too good of a person to be alone and depressed!

Will I feel again? I am so numb today!

It’s interesting you say that because I seen an older therapist that the lady I’m living with recommended to and she told me she feels my anger. You are very right about me missing my family and being nostalgic. I do miss them. I miss having love. I feel so empty right now. I know they don’t know how to love me right but I miss having that. I miss my niece and my brother and even my aunt. Who I thought she was. I am so lonely. I miss having love in my life. I think my sleep deprivation is making me feel numb and empty though. Not sure. I have been depressed today. Did not ask the Zoloft, chickened our but thinking about it tonight.

How do you deal deal with anger?

Very disconnected.

very doubtful and lost.

very sad and going on 5 days no sleep.

why do I deserve this? I have been so good to people. I can’t believe I am this way right now I was on such a role. I am tired and just want to sleep!

I actually feel a little better.

Still kind of debilitating.

I’m just in shock of what I went through with my aunt, she texted me a little while ago and I went numb. And then triggered trauma. I don’t know if you understand that but this woman did something bad to me psychologically.

Not sure how how I will get through this all

I don’t know. Today is a bad day. I was much stronger and productive yesterday. I feel lost today. I feel sad as I gather my belongings from my aunts house. Tomorrow will be the final day to pick it all up and then I have all my things in storage and in a rental home. I have until tomorrow to decide if I stay another month or not and I don’t think I should. I don’t really love where I am at. And I keep thinking Florida. Should I reach out to other family member and tell them what’s going on? I feel so isolated. Yes I think my whole family has been infected by this narcissism but I also think some of my cousins may listen to me? But so afraid to trust another person but damn how can a girl do all of this on her own? My brother hurt me bad but I feel like reaching out and discussing our issues. I did all along but never had the courage. Idk what to do!

I think you are right, yet my mind still plays games.  I still feel like saving them and wanting to make amends. And honestly since all of this happened each day that passes I internalize more blame. I start thinking of ways I could have done things differently and completely forget what they did. It is so scary how my mind literally forgets the abuse. I always focus more on what I did to hinder the situation.

I am sorry Anita, for your mom making you so unhappy. and so young.