It’s interesting you say that because I seen an older therapist that the lady I’m living with recommended to and she told me she feels my anger. You are very right about me missing my family and being nostalgic. I do miss them. I miss having love. I feel so empty right now. I know they don’t know how to love me right but I miss having that. I miss my niece and my brother and even my aunt. Who I thought she was. I am so lonely. I miss having love in my life. I think my sleep deprivation is making me feel numb and empty though. Not sure. I have been depressed today. Did not ask the Zoloft, chickened our but thinking about it tonight.

How do you deal deal with anger?

Very disconnected.

very doubtful and lost.

very sad and going on 5 days no sleep.

why do I deserve this? I have been so good to people. I can’t believe I am this way right now I was on such a role. I am tired and just want to sleep!

I actually feel a little better.

Still kind of debilitating.

I’m just in shock of what I went through with my aunt, she texted me a little while ago and I went numb. And then triggered trauma. I don’t know if you understand that but this woman did something bad to me psychologically.

Not sure how how I will get through this all

I don’t know. Today is a bad day. I was much stronger and productive yesterday. I feel lost today. I feel sad as I gather my belongings from my aunts house. Tomorrow will be the final day to pick it all up and then I have all my things in storage and in a rental home. I have until tomorrow to decide if I stay another month or not and I don’t think I should. I don’t really love where I am at. And I keep thinking Florida. Should I reach out to other family member and tell them what’s going on? I feel so isolated. Yes I think my whole family has been infected by this narcissism but I also think some of my cousins may listen to me? But so afraid to trust another person but damn how can a girl do all of this on her own? My brother hurt me bad but I feel like reaching out and discussing our issues. I did all along but never had the courage. Idk what to do!

I think you are right, yet my mind still plays games.  I still feel like saving them and wanting to make amends. And honestly since all of this happened each day that passes I internalize more blame. I start thinking of ways I could have done things differently and completely forget what they did. It is so scary how my mind literally forgets the abuse. I always focus more on what I did to hinder the situation.

I am sorry Anita, for your mom making you so unhappy. and so young.

Hi Anita,

I definitely have that part. But I am just numb, is this normal?

I haven’t slept more than 4 hours in days. The body tremors have eased. The depression and hopelessness is intense at times mostly at night.

How could all of this happen to me so suddenly. I was on the path to happiness. I had bad anxiety but I was finding happiness in my days. I want that back in my life.

So you suggest not taking it?

I just can’t believe I am here right now, I am assuming it is the fact I haven’t slept and am having tremors suddenly? By tremors I mean the muscle jolts all night. It is as soon as I shut my eyes so it wakes me right up and I am up all night like an owl. What is funny is that my aunt who passed husband throughout the time I was going to see her told me this exact same thing happened to him. It is so crazy that a lot of the things I am going through are the very things people I know are going through. You say you do not believe in narcissism, but I do and I was projected this shame and guilt and blame. Deep down inside I know this is not me. I was actually doing really well setting boundaries and loving myself. I am very upset I am here in this place right now. So very shamed, my aunt has smeared me so bad I have no support from family. But I cant just blame her, they know it is not true but they are so shamed themselves so they wanted to take me down with them it feels. The stress has been so bad that my face has been itching and I have this sores now. I feel like I am falling apart but I keep holding on by a thread. Exactly, when am I going to stop being bamboozled? Why do I always stay way longer. It is like I like the pain. So upset with myself for not knowing what to do right now. I think Florida it is, I always wanted to go back since I got here but never had the courage since my ex is there but I cannot let him rule my decision. But what if it doesn’t work?

Scary thoughts. How much time can I be wasting more?