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December 23, 2016 at 8:28 am #123372Nina DeaneParticipant
Thank you Paula and Nina for your time and perspective. I am sure this is a story that many people can relate to. Circumstances may be different but treatment is the same. It is not a 50:50 relationship. Even though I am open to looking at my faults and wondering if I am expecting too much, I don’t think it’s wrong to expect someone who claims I am her BFF, to include me more in important events in her life and/or to not cancel lunch dates etc. only to make them with someone else (like the old boyfriend) and make time for him but not for me. I got incredibly mad last night when we talked about all of her kids being home for the holidays and I mentioned we all get together, even if it’s a pizza night out where no-one has to be the hostess. She was too quick to kabosh the idea saying she is not sure of all of their plans, and it just felt so hurtful that with a 25 year friendship and watching these kids grow up, that she wants to assume they are not interested in a family/friend get together. I did contact the one daughter to just do something on our own and she was more than happy to try to see us and make something happen. The trick is to pull back as you have both suggested, not expect what she seems to be incapable of giving, and focus on other friends who actually offer more to me emotionally than she is capable of doing. Thank you both!
December 23, 2016 at 6:01 am #123359Nina DeaneParticipantThank you Nina. Another thing I wanted to add. She was going to include me in helping her find her wedding dress so I thought we would have that bonding experience/memory as she didn’t incorporate me in any other way for her wedding (other than putting me to work making party favors for the tables with a couple of her other GFs). She cancelled the dress shopping date and said we would re-arrange. Then suddenly she called me and said “I found my dress!” So, on her own, she just went dress shopping and found the dress she ended up buying and totally excluding me.
She also was going to get together for lunch and cancelled a couple weeks ago. The last time we saw her she shared that the following week (after our scheduled lunch date) she had gone to lunch with her old boyfriend! She is newly married!! So, she likes to be with people who pay her way, and stroke her ego (like old boyfriends). I shared my feelings last night (the frustration about the wedding, etc.) but one can never really go there with people as they get defensive and have trouble owning what they don’t like that they do wrong (or what we think they do wrong). She made it about me and how it is hard to live up to my expectations. I don’t feel my expectations are out of line. If you verbalize you are a best friend, then act like one. You are right, her actions do speak louder than words and I need to pull back. Thanks for your time.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Nina Deane.
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