Hi TeaK,

Thank you for responding. I’m trying to figure this out myself. I think because in my core beliefs I am a pacifist, I think the world needs peace, and everyone should learn to get along. It’s idealistic, but that’s what I’d like for the world. Seeing that it wasn’t possible for me to achieve this with two people that were dear to me is really difficult to accept. Still, my self preservation kicks in and I know it’s unwise to let either of them back in. They both had hurt me, my uncle more so, for years, with verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation, trying to turn me against my own mother. And basically disowning me when I tried for 8 years to be a peacekeeper in an awful family feud. I couldn’t get them to resolve their differences and finally had to step back for my own mental health. I was a new mom and it was consuming me. But now everything has settled, and it still hurts because I try to have a relationship with my aunt and cousins. Not speaking to him makes it awkward at times. I know I need to stay away but it just ultimately feels like a huge failure.

As for my friend, again, I feel feelings of failure. Here we are, two adult women now, and something as stupid as different politics got between us. Though I know it’s more than that. There was a line crossed of disrespect on her end, and now she’s the one icing me out. If I go back, I am pretty much accepting that kind of behaviour and I can’t. It’s not a matter of pride at all, but again, self preservation. I’ve grown up with abuse and it feels strange to me to not accept that behaviour. But I know it’s what I have to do. I just want the weight of the losses to come off of me. I’m not sure if/how/when they will.

Hello all, and happy 2021! I hope everyone is feeling a sense of hope and renewal in this new year.

I wanted to post another update about this story of a broken relationship that has taken me months to process. I am still finding myself thinking about my ex friend often. Usually it’s with a lot of sadness that things ended up the way they did. Since I last wrote I noticed this friend has blocked me on all social media. It feels very petty and immature, as I have no hate for her and only want the best for her. Also, we have been friends for decades and I’m friends on social media with people I barely know. I guess I had thought we could at least stay friends online and know that the other is doing well. I haven’t had contact with my friend since the emails right after thanksgiving and have not done anything that would warrant being blocked altogether. So that was a bit upsetting as she seems to want to cut out any and all contact from me.

But something that gave me comfort and I wanted to share for anyone who may be struggling to let go of a bad relationship is this…I had an epiphany last night. I envisioned how I would feel if I had the opportunity to have this ex-friend over to my house for a weekend, or even for dinner. Would I be excited to spend time with her? Would I be comfortable having her near my husband and daughter, or would I be nervous, walking on eggshells, worried about her causing drama? The thought of having her visit gave me a huge pit in my stomach. I know my husband is not a fan, she has never made the effort to get to know my daughter who is almost 4 years old. And I considered this woman one of my “best friends”. She has not been a best friend, she has not even been a “good” friend. She has actually been a very bad friend for a very long time and has caused me more stress than joy. Once I came to this realization, that I would not even want her in my house, I was able to let go. I don’t hate her, I wish her well, but I don’t want to even keep up in a superficial way with her. I actually DO want her out of my life and away from my family because she doesn’t make me feel safe.

So for any one who is struggling to let go of a toxic person, ask yourself…would you be ok spending a whole weekend with them in your house? Does that thought make you excited or stressed? That gives you the answer if it’s worth working things out or not.

Hello Anita,

Wow that is a lot to think about. Thank you for taking the time to write all that you have. Looking at everything zoomed out in this way is actually very helpful to see patterns, and also expectations that I’ve put on myself, and on others. I’ve never thought about these struggles as a sort of struggle for power, but in a very real way, yes it is. I feel like I can even replace the word power with control. Wanting control of the situation because I often feel powerless. And I think we all have to realize at a certain point that we can’t control how others treat us. They have free will, they can decide if they want to “do the right thing” and treat others with respect, or not. Not every action gets reciprocated. Not everything is fair. I have to find a way to let go of wanting that piece of control, or justice, or just fair treatment, honestly. The only thing I can control is myself, and what I tolerate, and when I say enough is enough.

I spoke with my therapist today and she and I were discussing patterns in my relationship with my friend. It’s been dysfunctional for a number of years. And just as I have learned that the best thing for me is to never speak to my father again, and most likely never speak to my uncle again, there is a good chance I may have to cut out this friend as well. Maybe not forever, but as long as she is willing to treat me in this way. It’s traumatic in its own way, and I have thankfully gotten the strength to deal with those kinds of relationships and have experienced the freedom in breaking those ties. It is absolutely necessary sometimes.

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for replying. Yes these definitions that you shared seem to really apply to my friend lately. She’s believing in some absurd things, and this isn’t the first time. She’s fallen into cult-like groups before and also has a tendency to be paranoid. example, after nearly every breakup she thinks the guy is stalking her. I don’t know if there is truth to any of it, but I find it very hard to believe that EVERY single ex boyfriend becomes so obsessed with her that they all end up stalking her. Also she seems to have problems in every workplace with other women, and ends up getting into HR battles with women whom she thinks have it out for her. So in a sense I am a bit alerted that now she has turned these conspiracy theories onto me. She’s saying minor things, like I purposely “liked” something on Twitter so that she would see it and get offended. That wasn’t the case at all. LOL. My husband did joke that I should stay away from her or she will get me on some kind of dangerous person list with these extreme people she seems to be in with. But I’m not all that worried because she lives out west and I’m on the east coast, so there’s thousands of miles of distance.

My biggest hangup I think is my ego, telling me I SHOULD be able to make this work, because I am so kind and compassionate, that I don’t want to think my long time friendship can fall victim to a simple difference of politics. I am taking it as a personal failure that I couldn’t make it work. I think that when I really think deeply about it, that’s the hardest part to let go of. Her as a person, we have nothing in common anymore, can’t see each other often because of distance, and this tension now just seems insurmountable. The things she said really just distubed me and as much as I want to a) snap back and say something nasty to stick up for myself, b) say we are better than this and “fix it” as was my role in my family all my life, I know that the ONLY viable choice right now is c) LET IT GO. It’s just hard because it confirms my failure to fix it.

Hi Anita,

Thanks as always for your reply. <3 I am so flabbergasted at how we ended up here, it’s so frustrating after putting in so much time and effort. But I will not contact her again. I do hope that she comes to her senses and realizes our friendship is worth something.

If she doesn’t I realize I can’t accept that kind of behavior though. You’re right, it’s abusive. I tried my best but that doesn’t mean I need to be a doormat.

Hi Anita,

Yes, I think you are on to something, that imagery of a child warrior feels like you’ve put into words what I’ve always felt but never have been able to describe. I have no idea how to become an adult warrior, or how to get over the fear of losing people. I’ve lost so many people in my life, and often hold on to people whom I SHOULD let go. My husband, thank goodness, is such an amazing person, I often wonder how I was able to find someone who is so different than many of the people I grew up with. He’s decent, respectful, and loves me, and reliable. He’s helped me grow so much. But this issue of mine baffles him. He can’t understand why I refuse to let go of some friendships or even family relationships that are definitely toxic. Even going back to my awful uncle, I sometimes still ponder if I can live with this rift, even though all of my cells in my body scream that I should never speak to him again after his abuse. The idea that someone is going to think ill of me is almost unbearable. I’ve been so programmed to be a people pleaser and it’s quite literally sickening when I think of someone being “displeased” with me. I am learning in therapy not to go running back towards an abuser to “fix it”. But it’s still hard. And it’s still very hard to know how to navigate other “conflicts” (such as friendships that are growing apart, as I mentioned in my other post about friends and politics).

Much of this also may stem from my father. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I’d see him on the weekends. I was abused by him and he was very manipulative and convinced me not to say anything until I was a teenager. He convinced me that if he couldn’t see me he would die. (He’s still alive and I haven’t seen him since I was 13). That kind of intense manipulation along with things that were going on at home, I fear, have maybe wired my mind to not be able to stand up to people. Do you have any tips that you’ve learned on how to become an adult warrior?