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Hey guys thanks for your replies, sorry I didn’t get back to you both!
I feel like we are doing a bit better, but its hard, it seems good during the week and then things seem to fall apart at the weekends! But i had a big chat with him last weekend about how i feel and we seem to be more on the same page now. I really do want to make this work and he feels the same. J now have another issue though! I’m not sure if you can help me understand.. I find it slightly embarrassing to talk about with friends because everyone just seems to have no issues with sex and intimacy but I feel like I do. Not all the time, but i am now and i have in the past. It seems really silly but when my partner touches me- not even sexually, just touching my legs or my neck or anything it doesn’t really feel nice for me sometimes, it feels tickly and it just makes me feel all weird i dont really know how to explain it. Its really not nice. Its not all the time either so sometimes ill be fine then other times it feels horrible.. I know this can’t be nice for my partner. I feel terrible as hes not doing anything wrong, hes just doing a normal thing you would do in a relationship and i just cant, it makes my skin crawl sometimes. Ive also noticed that i get panicky sometimes if i think hes going to try and initiate sex. I dont know if its just because I haven’t been feeling very close to him emotionally for quite a while, but also i dont even know how to open up again. As much as i want to make it work I just feel like im being very closed off to him and i dont know how to stop. It also could be due to past trauma i feel like that kind of fits with the panicky reaction, its like fight or flight, but then if its because of that then I just feel like I dont know how I can possibly solve it without therapy which obviously isn’t a quick fix, and i am planning on going but its expensive too!
Thanks for your response, i feel like I’ve annoyed you I didn’t mean to. I dont think all men are abusers or narcissists in the slightest, my dad is an angel. I have a healthy attitude towards men I would say. Also my boyfriend has been one of my best friends for almost 10 years i don’t want to just close the book on him and I don’t want to repeat my past cycles. The reason I’ve posted on here is because it helps me clear my mind and get advice from people outside of my situation. Sorry if I offended you in any way I didn’t mean it. Thanks for your help
<p style=”text-align: left;”>So when he’s in a bad mood about something, he doesn’t completely not speak to me, but he doesn’t make conversation, the atmosphere totally changes, he will give one word answers, when I ask what’s wrong he will insist its nothing but there definitely is something. Its really obvious when he’s annoyed at something I can tell within seconds! But he still won’t tell me and most of the time it happens after something I’ve done, so for example when I done the dishes, or when i was on the phone to my friend… If I keep asking him sometimes he will tell me what’s wrong but it usually doesn’t make anything better..</p>
I definitely need to try setting those boundaries! I’m just so used to doing it that its my automatic response, i sometimes don’t even form an idea of what I’d like, i just automatically go with other people’s ideas. So i need to spend some time thinking about things I want to do I think
Dear Anita, i think you may be right that I’m mentally reliving my childhood, I feel down constantly just now and im never usually like this! My heads always fine! This year has been terrible for me. I feel so trapped and unheard and I feel like im walking on eggshells and scared to speak about things and a whole range of other emotions! I do feel like I’d feel better if I was alone but I’ve always been like that, I prefer being alone, Its a lot easier! I dont want to throw a good relationship down the drain over my issues but I’m struggling to see a way to make things better at the minute
Thanks for your response, Its hard because I do love him and I really dont want to hurt him but at the minute he’s hurting me with his behaviour and inability to communicate! I really think things would be better if he would talk to me about stuff but he just doesn’t. I need to try and set some sort of boundaries but dont even know where to start! I think I’m going to spend less time with him and see If that helps
Thanks for your response, I definitely need to get therapy I think, its just expensive! And I dont really know what kind to go for, other than childhood trauma i know there’s other things I’d like to visit in therapy! And i know people specialise in different things so ill need to have a look into it, i dont think it is all just because of trauma though. I do think there’s more substance to my thoughts than just trauma, i hope so anyway, or I’d be a nightmare to be with 😂
No its not overwhelming! I feel like I must have overwhelmed you! 😂 I really appreciate your thoughtful replies. You kind of just confirmed what I already knew, i actually feel a lot more calm now! So thank you.. I just need to figure out what to do! It’s really not a relationship I want to just throw away but I really can’t see a way to improve this… I think I need to take some time to myself! Thanks so much!
No its not offensive to hear that! I understand, seems I have a lot of work to do! 🙁 thanks again for taking the time to speak to me!
Also as I’ve said I dont know if he’s doing these things on purpose but its still happening… So it doesn’t really matter if its purposeful or not? Its hard not being able to just speak to him and tell him how I feel, I just know ill end up apologizing to him for something somehow and feeling bad and just wanting things to be better. I hate being so soft sometimes.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I just doubt myself so much, I’ve been really going against my gut feeling for ages tho which is one thing I said I would never do after my last ex! He’s definitely not like my last ex he was definitely a narcissist/sociopath he was a different level! And my boyfriend now definitely isn’t on that level but maybe if things continue it will end up like that, I already just do anything he wants to keep him happy because it’s easier than dealing with the moods! Thanks for replying its good to know that someone agrees and I’m not just going mental! I do think I have trauma from my ex which makes me scared of being controlled again which is kind of what my boyfriend has said to me recently and he feels like I dont need him which must be hard but after my last relationship I cant need anyone! I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them! I feel like I’m in a relationship for him not with him at the minute… Its helping just speaking on here and getting my thoughts out, i feel a bit less crazy now 😂</p>
Yes it could be true. I just dont know what to do, i do love him and I really dont want to hurt him, i know he would be really hurt if I split up with him but Ive really lost trust recently, not that I think hes going to cheat on me but just overall trust, I cant rely on him and I never know what Im going to get. I think hes been trying to come between me and my best friend who is also his friend (as we have all been friends for years) but if our friend says he’s going to come out with us my boyfriend either goes in a mood or tries to make some reason why me and him should just spend time together ourselves instead, but then he will go up and see our friend himself without me and not tell me until he’s already there… I wouldn’t say he lies to me but he only tells me half a story! It’s not lies but its not quite the whole truth… He also at the start of the relationship made distance between me and my best friend by telling me how our friend had been horrible to him and made him feel shit and left him out etc, so I would sit in with my boyfriend instead of going to my friends because I wouldn’t want him to feel left out.. Now I just feel like it was done intentionally to put distance between us and it worked, and its annoyed me because my ex done the same thing but he was extremely controlling and manipulative and definitely on purpose! My boyfriend now I think he’s just insecure. He has also recently started saying things that has supposedly happened but I cant remember.. And I do have a bad memory but I dont think its that bad… And sometimes I literally have no recollection of a conversation happening at all. Like for example ( i know it’s silly) but he said that my phone goes all night and I said aw ill put it on silent then and he said he has asked me loads of times to put it on silent at night… But I actually know for a fact that he hasn’t because if he did ask me I would do it? But these kind of things are happening all the time just now and its making me really doubt my own sanity its horrible! I dont know if I really am very forgetful or if I’m being gaslighted! Its always his way or no way and he can get annoyed with me for like the slightest thing and not speak to me for like 2 days, won’t even tell me what’s wrong even then i know there is something wrong.. For example I washed some dishes in his house and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days! Or one time everything was totally fine and then my friend mentioned above phoned me and i was on the phone for maybe 10 mins and when i came off the atmosphere had completely changed and he wouldn’t speak to me and that was 2 days as well! And during that time im sitting over thinking everything! He also made me feel so shit for going to that concert myself, he offered to drive me to the airport and then all thw way there just kept saying how he couldn’t believe i wasn’t spending my birthday with him and that “he wished i had just asked my sister to drive me to the airport” when he was the one who offered… Sorry I feel like im just on a rant now but I honestly feel like im losing my mind, I cant believe ive found myself in this situation. Again 😥
Im okay.. Now struggling with thoughts that my boyfriend might be controlling.. I dont think its intentional but i feel like the signs are there and I’ve been going against my gut feeling for a while… Just because I have been friends with him so long and wouldn’t expect it from him. I think its coming from a place of insecurity but its really wearing me down and whenever i try to speak to him about anything he just shuts off and stops talking… Not sure if i should make a new post for this? Feel like i have a lot of weight on my shoulders and dont know how to lift it!
Yes, i think ill do some research and try and find a way to help myself! I’ve tried meditation but find it really hard to stick to it! I need to be more disciplined! Thanks for all your responses 🥰
Yes that sounds exactly right! How do I do inner child work though? This is what I’m stuck on! Like I know there’s work needing done I just dont really know how! Will i need to go to therapy?
Im not sure I’ve just always been like this, even with my first friend I would always do everything she wanted to do without thinking about it, I’ve always put my needs and wants second to the point that I actually dont even have needs and wants! I never have a preferred plan, i always just do what someone else wants! I totally agree, i do think its came from my mum! She gets incredibly angry over nothing all the time, i used to be terrified of her as a child! I just hope I can change 🥰 again thanks for your thoughtful replies! It really means a lot to me!