July 29, 2021 at 5:39 am #383632
I feel like this is a complicated one, i feel like the issue might lie with me and how I deal with my relationships and other people’s emotions but basically I’m just really struggling to deal with some people in my life. These people have mental health issues but aren’t doing anything to help themselves and are acting in ways that end up affecting me. I’ve always been the person to try and help other people and I think I’m an empath as I do take on other people’s emotions and issues as my own which i think could be causing the problem! But recently I’ve just been struggling, i feel like ive just had too much put on me for too long. I feel like I cant do things I’d like to because i worry how its going to affect other people. For example… Im going to a concert on my birthday and it turned out we could only get one ticket at the time and i decided I’d just go myself which I was really excited about because it means i won’t need to worry about anyone else or deal with any drama which will be certain if other people are coming. My friend said yesterday that she had seen tickets on sale and was thinking about going and i would love for her to come as we are on the same wavelength and it would be drama free! However recently my sister has decided she doesn’t like my friend and she feels left out and she thinks no one can be bothered with her, the reason she fell out with my friend is because she wasnt invited to my friends friends friends house 😂 when she would have been invited if it was my friends house. the problem is she definitely has anxiety and possibly Depression, she drinks constantly and isn’t a very nice person when she does drink! I genuinely believe that everyone around her cares for and loves her but she just cant see it and thinks everyone is against her. I told my friend that if she wanted to come id say to my sister as well obviously, but then it will end up either she won’t be able to go and I’ll feel bad because i won’t want her to feel left out while im away with my friend or she will come and will get so drunk and end up being horrible and it will ruin the time for me… My friend said that’s okay and she understood so she’s just going to leave it. Then my boyfriend said today that he seen tickets and he was thinking about going but again I’ve just told my pal no basically. My boyfriend also struggles with his mental health and the smallest thing can totally ruin his day, if not his week. i feel like i really go out my way for things to run smoothly for him. Ill do things he wants just so he doesn’t get upset even if its not what I want, just because its easier. When he is upset, im upset… So its easier to keep him happy so I can feel happy. Even if its not what I want to be doing! If he comes there will definitely also be some sort of issue. Then I’ve also just told my pal no so then I’d end up needing to say to my friend and then id need to say to everyone, because i don’t want anyone feeling left out…
I feel like i was just so excited about going myself so I didn’t need to worry about anyone else or their emotions or actions… Now i feel bad because i feel like im telling people they cant go see an artist that they like because of my issues 😂 but i just don’t want my time to be ruined by other people when I’ve been looking forward to going myself. I probably sound like a massive bitch! I know, i think im just really at breaking point from dealing with other people’s shit all the time, its hard! I constantly just want to be myself and I feel like I just want to run away and isolate myself forever because it would be so much easier! But you cant really do that!July 29, 2021 at 8:32 am #383643
“I feel like I can’t do things I’d like to because I worry how its going to affect other people… I just don’t want my time to be ruined by other people“-
– I think that the following two suggestions will help to lower your stress level: (1) Minimize or eliminate your contact with difficult people such as your sister. Don’t try to please her. Instead: stay away from her.
(2) Spend more alone-time, go places on your own.
What do you think?
anitaJuly 29, 2021 at 12:16 pm #383654
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I live with my sister so at the minute the only places i can go is home with her or my boyfriends, I dont really have my own space! Which i definitely need!</p>
I will try to more places alone but i just always feel like people are then offended that I’ve not asked them, like this concert, i just feel like im letting people down even tho its just easier for me to go alone! How can i work on not taking on people’s feelings and putting myself first? I think i might be a people pleaser, i dont know how to stop it!
Thanks for your reply 🥰July 29, 2021 at 1:13 pm #383662
You are welcome! You wrote in your recent post: “I just always feel like people are then offended that I’ve not asked them, like this concert, I just feel like I’m letting people down“-
– you expressed something similar on April 25, in your previous thread, in regard to relationships with men: “I just start getting put off them, possibly from spending too much time together… but then I always get a feeling that I’m being a b*** * to them.. I get a mixture of feeling not good enough for them or that I’m treating them badly”-
It looks to me like the following (and correct me where I am wrong): (1) being around people for too long, in general, stresses you out.
(2) The reason for the above may be that when you lived with your parents, as a child- being around them and witnessing their rubbish relationship (“My parents’ relationship was rubbish.. my mum is quite abusive towards my dad”) terribly stressed you out. Being your abusive mother’s target terribly stressed you out a lot too (“She done the same with my sister and I growing up”), so being stuck with the two of them really stressed you out=> you get stressed out whenever you find yourself “stuck” with someone for too long, and you want out!
You wrote regarding your father who still lives with your mother: “I wish my dad would leave her”- in a way, you do in your life what you wish your father did, leave boyfriend after boyfriend (?)
(3) Maybe you are afraid to do what you want to do (ex. go to the concert on your own) because you don’t want to be like your mother who has been “quite abusive towards my dad and brings him down to nothing at any chance she gets”- in other words, you don’t want to be a b**** (using your word). You don’t want to be like her (the abuser/ the b**** aka the aggressive female), and you don’t want to be like your father (the abused/ the passive people pleaser).
Maybe you are afraid to be like your mother, or like your father, not knowing that there is a middle ground, being neither like her nor like him.
You asked in your recent post: “How can I work on not taking on people’s feelings and putting myself first?“- find that middle ground between being like your mother and being like your father: be assertive, not aggressive; be fair to yourself and ne fair to others (not one or the other).
What do you think?
anitaJuly 29, 2021 at 1:29 pm #383663
How can i work on not taking on people’s feelings and putting myself first? I think i might be a people pleaser, i dont know how to stop it!
Yes, you do seem to have people pleasing tendencies, and it could be caused by the fear of being rejected if you stand up for yourself. If you stand up for yourself and e.g. refuse to take your sister to a concert but choose to go with a friend of yours, what are you afraid would happen?
Ill do things he wants just so he doesn’t get upset even if its not what I want, just because its easier. When he is upset, im upset… So its easier to keep him happy so I can feel happy. Even if its not what I want to be doing!
Is this dynamic familiar to you? Perhaps your father behaved similarly towards your mother – trying not to upset her, even at his own expense?July 29, 2021 at 3:38 pm #383674
Hi thanks for replying, both replies are really thoughtful and have gave me a lot to think about 🥰 I do get stressed out being around people too long, at the minute I dont have a choice though because I share a house with my sister. It is definitely getting on top of me not having my own space though. I think my parents relationship probably has a lot to do with it, though I hadn’t looked at it from the perspective that I’m behaving the same way as my dad but now that its been said, it really is exactly the same thing! I think my fear of going with my friend instead of my sister is because i just dont want to make my sister feel worse than she already does! I definitely need to work on being more assertive, i had been trying to do that a while ago but i just fall into old habits… I didn’t realize that assertiveness was the same as this… I’m definitely too passive! I’m going to try and work on that, thanks guys, appreciate your help loads!July 29, 2021 at 3:51 pm #383676
You are very welcome. Anytime you need help working on becoming more assertive, feel free to post again, and describe a specific situation in which you need to respond to assertively. I might have a useful suggestion or two for you.
anitaJuly 29, 2021 at 11:52 pm #383687
you’re welcome, good you’re seeing the connection between your and your dad’s behavior.
I think my fear of going with my friend instead of my sister is because i just dont want to make my sister feel worse than she already does!
Right, and it’s the same fear you have with your boyfriend. It’s easier to keep them happy than upset them and then deal with the consequences…
It’s good you want to work on your assertiveness, but I think it’s also important to know where the lack of assertiveness is coming from: it’s not necessarily that you lack self-confidence and are shy, but it’s more that you are in the habit of suppressing your own needs not to upset the others. So I guess that in order to develop more assertiveness, you’d need to break free from that pattern you saw in your family, and realize it’s not the way to be in relationships…July 31, 2021 at 12:53 am #383806
Yes you’re right, it is easier to keep them happy, especially my sister as well as she will just go in a mood and it makes me feel uncomfortable! I just dont like conflict, i dont know how to break free. My sister text me last night saying she wants to come to the concert with me now 😂 and I’m stressing again! I’m just going to need to say no I suppose! Just doesn’t feel nice for me! I dont know how to stop being the way I am, but i know i need toJuly 31, 2021 at 2:09 am #383813
I just dont like conflict, i dont know how to break free.
when you express your needs, and it’s different from what the other person wants, how does it make you feel?
If you were to tell your sister the truth (that you don’t want to go to concert with her because she’ll get drunk and unpleasant), how would it make you feel?August 4, 2021 at 3:40 am #384097
It makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, something inside my belly feels not nice! And it makes me feel awkward, i find it difficult then to make further conversation. And i feel guilty that I’ve ruined their mood or made them upset or offended. I’d honestly rather just agree even if its going to ruin it for me!August 4, 2021 at 4:13 am #384099
And i feel guilty that I’ve ruined their mood or made them upset or offended.
When was the first time you noticed that you feel upset for demanding things for yourself, for expressing your needs? I am asking you this because I believe it stems from your childhood, and maybe it’s not just that you saw this behavior in your father, and adopted it, but also perhaps you were made guilty for having normal needs of a child? Perhaps your mother was very needy (you said in your previous thread that she behaves like another child), so you felt guilty for having needs of your own? Or you even felt the need to take care of her and make sure she’s okay?August 11, 2021 at 12:31 pm #384525
Im not sure I’ve just always been like this, even with my first friend I would always do everything she wanted to do without thinking about it, I’ve always put my needs and wants second to the point that I actually dont even have needs and wants! I never have a preferred plan, i always just do what someone else wants! I totally agree, i do think its came from my mum! She gets incredibly angry over nothing all the time, i used to be terrified of her as a child! I just hope I can change 🥰 again thanks for your thoughtful replies! It really means a lot to me!August 11, 2021 at 1:43 pm #384530
you’re very welcome!
I totally agree, i do think its came from my mum! She gets incredibly angry over nothing all the time, i used to be terrified of her as a child!
Right. You also said that she is quite abusive with your father and puts him down all the time, and that she was the same with you and your sister while you were growing up:
My mum is quite abusive towards my dad and brings him down to nothing at any chance she gets. She done the same with my sister and I growing up, she’s also financially dependent on my dad as she doesn’t work even though she has no reason not to and she does nothing to help around the house, she’s basically like another child!
It appears your mother was/is the “bully” in the family, who terrorizes everyone else. You used to be terrified of her as a child, maybe because she was loud, yelling, perhaps hysterical as well? Your father chose the strategy to appease the bully, or the tyrant, because it seemed easier than to confront her. You chose the same strategy – suppress your own needs and desires and do as the tyrant pleases, in order to keep the peace. Would you say that this is what happened?
I just hope I can change
Yes, you can definitely change this learned mechanism of “appeasing”, and can learn to stand up for yourself! You might need to do some inner child work, so that you can change the learned behavior more easily.August 11, 2021 at 1:58 pm #384531
Yes that sounds exactly right! How do I do inner child work though? This is what I’m stuck on! Like I know there’s work needing done I just dont really know how! Will i need to go to therapy?