August 11, 2021 at 11:18 pm #384557
I am glad that we pinpointed the most likely cause.
How do I do inner child work though?
Well, for starters just be aware that appeasing is a defense mechanism that the little girl that you once were chose as a way to protect herself from her mother. It was also as a way to be loved and accepted – and not rejected – by her mother. Later appeasing became people pleasing… you feeling intense discomfort if you were to do something that others object to, or if you were to express your own needs and desires. Be aware of the origin of that need to people please – it’s to appease and please your mother.
You can anchor yourself in your adult self, and be a loving, supportive parent to the little girl inside of you. Perhaps you can do a meditation and encourage her to express herself freely (maybe she would like to dance or sing or whatever the little girl would want to express), and you as the loving adult simply observe her with love and appreciation. You admire her, cheer her on, are happy to see her expressing herself.
So perhaps the first step would be acknowledging that your needs are valid and legitimate, and giving yourself love and acceptance for having those needs, rather than trying to suppress them immediately.
Do you feel like something you could do? But do it only if you feel connected to your adult self, who is capable of providing that loving attention to the little girl.
August 13, 2021 at 1:45 am #384617
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by TeaK.
Yes, i think ill do some research and try and find a way to help myself! I’ve tried meditation but find it really hard to stick to it! I need to be more disciplined! Thanks for all your responses 🥰August 13, 2021 at 2:07 am #384619
you are very welcome. If you need help with anything or feel stuck, feel free to post anytime. Take care and wishing you all the best! <3August 31, 2021 at 8:41 am #385491anitaParticipant
How are you, OrangeHeart?
anitaSeptember 5, 2021 at 12:00 pm #385795
Im okay.. Now struggling with thoughts that my boyfriend might be controlling.. I dont think its intentional but i feel like the signs are there and I’ve been going against my gut feeling for a while… Just because I have been friends with him so long and wouldn’t expect it from him. I think its coming from a place of insecurity but its really wearing me down and whenever i try to speak to him about anything he just shuts off and stops talking… Not sure if i should make a new post for this? Feel like i have a lot of weight on my shoulders and dont know how to lift it!September 5, 2021 at 12:41 pm #385798anitaParticipant
You are welcome to share about it here, in this thread or in a new thread- wherever you feel more comfortable. I would like to read your current struggles and reply further.
anitaSeptember 5, 2021 at 12:48 pm #385800
Now struggling with thoughts that my boyfriend might be controlling.. I think its coming from a place of insecurity but its really wearing me down and whenever i try to speak to him about anything he just shuts off and stops talking…
It’s possible that he is controlling, and it could be his way of reducing stress of everyday life, which he finds overwhelming. This is what you said about him earlier:
My boyfriend also struggles with his mental health and the smallest thing can totally ruin his day, if not his week. i feel like i really go out my way for things to run smoothly for him. Ill do things he wants just so he doesn’t get upset even if its not what I want, just because its easier. When he is upset, im upset… So its easier to keep him happy so I can feel happy. Even if its not what I want to be doing! If he comes there will definitely also be some sort of issue.
He seems like a rather labile person, who easily gets upset and loses balance. He doesn’t have emotional resilience. As such, he needs to control his environment and the people around him, so to reduce stress and unpredictability to a minimum. Would you say this is true about him?September 6, 2021 at 1:39 am #385817
Yes it could be true. I just dont know what to do, i do love him and I really dont want to hurt him, i know he would be really hurt if I split up with him but Ive really lost trust recently, not that I think hes going to cheat on me but just overall trust, I cant rely on him and I never know what Im going to get. I think hes been trying to come between me and my best friend who is also his friend (as we have all been friends for years) but if our friend says he’s going to come out with us my boyfriend either goes in a mood or tries to make some reason why me and him should just spend time together ourselves instead, but then he will go up and see our friend himself without me and not tell me until he’s already there… I wouldn’t say he lies to me but he only tells me half a story! It’s not lies but its not quite the whole truth… He also at the start of the relationship made distance between me and my best friend by telling me how our friend had been horrible to him and made him feel shit and left him out etc, so I would sit in with my boyfriend instead of going to my friends because I wouldn’t want him to feel left out.. Now I just feel like it was done intentionally to put distance between us and it worked, and its annoyed me because my ex done the same thing but he was extremely controlling and manipulative and definitely on purpose! My boyfriend now I think he’s just insecure. He has also recently started saying things that has supposedly happened but I cant remember.. And I do have a bad memory but I dont think its that bad… And sometimes I literally have no recollection of a conversation happening at all. Like for example ( i know it’s silly) but he said that my phone goes all night and I said aw ill put it on silent then and he said he has asked me loads of times to put it on silent at night… But I actually know for a fact that he hasn’t because if he did ask me I would do it? But these kind of things are happening all the time just now and its making me really doubt my own sanity its horrible! I dont know if I really am very forgetful or if I’m being gaslighted! Its always his way or no way and he can get annoyed with me for like the slightest thing and not speak to me for like 2 days, won’t even tell me what’s wrong even then i know there is something wrong.. For example I washed some dishes in his house and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days! Or one time everything was totally fine and then my friend mentioned above phoned me and i was on the phone for maybe 10 mins and when i came off the atmosphere had completely changed and he wouldn’t speak to me and that was 2 days as well! And during that time im sitting over thinking everything! He also made me feel so shit for going to that concert myself, he offered to drive me to the airport and then all thw way there just kept saying how he couldn’t believe i wasn’t spending my birthday with him and that “he wished i had just asked my sister to drive me to the airport” when he was the one who offered… Sorry I feel like im just on a rant now but I honestly feel like im losing my mind, I cant believe ive found myself in this situation. Again 😥September 6, 2021 at 2:26 am #385821
Sorry I feel like im just on a rant now but I honestly feel like im losing my mind, I cant believe ive found myself in this situation. Again
I am glad you’ve shared because what he’s been doing is more than trying to control his environment to reduce his anxiety (what I assumed earlier). He has tried to come between you and your best friend, he badmouthed him, so you wouldn’t spend time with him. He gets offended and gives you the silent treatment when you speak to this same friend on the phone. This tells me he is possessive and jealous and willing to choose any means (even lying and manipulating) to stop you from interacting with your friend.
He is also hiding things from you, not telling you the whole truth, inventing things that never happened (gaslighting you), due to which you started questioning your sanity. He gives you a 2-day silent treatment even for washing the dishes at his place! This all shows a very difficult personality, manipulative, easily offended, controlling, possessive…
Now I just feel like it was done intentionally to put distance between us and it worked, and its annoyed me because my ex done the same thing but he was extremely controlling and manipulative and definitely on purpose!
What if your current boyfriend is similar? Maybe not on purpose, I mean maybe he cannot help himself, but still, the result is the same?September 6, 2021 at 2:43 am #385822
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I just doubt myself so much, I’ve been really going against my gut feeling for ages tho which is one thing I said I would never do after my last ex! He’s definitely not like my last ex he was definitely a narcissist/sociopath he was a different level! And my boyfriend now definitely isn’t on that level but maybe if things continue it will end up like that, I already just do anything he wants to keep him happy because it’s easier than dealing with the moods! Thanks for replying its good to know that someone agrees and I’m not just going mental! I do think I have trauma from my ex which makes me scared of being controlled again which is kind of what my boyfriend has said to me recently and he feels like I dont need him which must be hard but after my last relationship I cant need anyone! I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them! I feel like I’m in a relationship for him not with him at the minute… Its helping just speaking on here and getting my thoughts out, i feel a bit less crazy now 😂</p>September 6, 2021 at 2:46 am #385823
Also as I’ve said I dont know if he’s doing these things on purpose but its still happening… So it doesn’t really matter if its purposeful or not? Its hard not being able to just speak to him and tell him how I feel, I just know ill end up apologizing to him for something somehow and feeling bad and just wanting things to be better. I hate being so soft sometimes.September 6, 2021 at 3:50 am #385825
Thanks for replying its good to know that someone agrees and I’m not just going mental!
You’re welcome, OrangeHeart. Your gut feeling is right and you’re not going mental by thinking that something’s not right with his behavior!
And my boyfriend now definitely isn’t on that level but maybe if things continue it will end up like that, I already just do anything he wants to keep him happy because it’s easier than dealing with the moods!
Right… that’s your main theme, actually: you’d rather tolerate abuse than stand up for yourself. And the reason is your mother being the bully, and you adopting the strategy of appeasing and pleasing her, rather than protesting.
I do think I have trauma from my ex which makes me scared of being controlled again
The main trauma is from your childhood, and I think that’s why you keep being attracted to people similar to your mother. Maybe this is surprising and offensive to hear (sorry for being so blunt), but it happens with all of us till we heal the original trauma. We repeat…. in various shapes and forms. Perhaps your previous ex was an outright narcissist and sociopath and he may have enjoyed torturing you (you didn’t say the latter, I am just assuming). Your current boyfriend might much more “meek”, and his controlling and manipulative behavior might stem from his insecurity.
Nevertheless, the result is the same – you feel like you need to suppress yourself so he wouldn’t be upset. And he can get upset super easily and then treats you badly. So you need to give up on yourself to stay in a relationship with him. And that’s pretty much what you needed to do with your mother (and what your father needed to do)…
he feels like I dont need him which must be hard but after my last relationship I cant need anyone! I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them! I feel like I’m in a relationship for him not with him at the minute…
Yes, he is the one who needs you – to control his moods, to make him feel better about himself, to make him feel in control. You have a mother role for him – you’re there for him to soothe him and make him happy, but he isn’t there for you. It’s an unequal relationship.
I thought wanting someone was worth a lot more than needing them!
Yes, it’s not good if one person is the caretaker, and the other the child in the relationship. If one just gives, and the other just takes.September 6, 2021 at 5:55 am #385826
No its not offensive to hear that! I understand, seems I have a lot of work to do! 🙁 thanks again for taking the time to speak to me!September 6, 2021 at 9:13 am #385850
glad to hear you’re not offended! And you are very welcome.
I understand, seems I have a lot of work to do!
I’ve realized in the meanwhile that it might have been overwhelming to take this all in… How are you holding up? I am sorry if I overwhelmed you :\September 6, 2021 at 9:52 am #385854
No its not overwhelming! I feel like I must have overwhelmed you! 😂 I really appreciate your thoughtful replies. You kind of just confirmed what I already knew, i actually feel a lot more calm now! So thank you.. I just need to figure out what to do! It’s really not a relationship I want to just throw away but I really can’t see a way to improve this… I think I need to take some time to myself! Thanks so much!