I know u did and videos dont help me at all. All i read about is fear, but wouldnt i be able to feel fear if that was the case?

Yes i saw a lot of similarities, my mother was also kind of “threatening” to kick me out but she never meant it, she was just mentioning it, i know she would never do that.
My father would leave the house after some big fights too, or when he was travelling for work which could last 4-5 days a week. I was also kinda bullied in school.

I dont know anita, i still cant connect my childhood experiences to this one. I was feeling so in-love and suddenly i felt off/repulsed/anxious. She showed no signs of violence/negativity and stuff, how could that be related?

Hey anita

U mean same as the other people here that went through that? I wish they were here to inform us on what happened 🙁

I guess i should accept it, but it makes me question myself on everything, and it will keep happening in the future from now on, even if i get with another girl, i wont allow myself to bond that deep again.

I think we are both relating to the song with thomas 🙂

Hey Roberta

It feels very hard to concentrate and practice for me, idk why. Maybe i have to try harder? My mind wanders elsewhere instantly.

But i see what u mean, by “getting better” i meant being in a more steady headspace, but maybe this is the way now.

Hey anita

I guess those ARE feelings and maybe i miss the dopamine then? I have to redefine my view on feelings/love. Even though i hesitate to text her, i think about her constantly and just 10 minutes ago i was crying my guts out again, thinking of her and calling her sweet words, but then it goes away and i get indifferent, its strange.

No no i didn’t report it and i didn’t see what u wrote.

Hey roberta

i will try to practice that thing as soon as i get a bit better.

@anita

No no, it’s not that i don’t like her sexually, it’s just that our main connection wasn’t sexual it was intellectual, which is pretty rare. I remembered before, that when the first meet was about to happen (we were checking tickets) i was asking her often if she is 100% sure about it, i was also telling her that we shouldn’t have any expectations. Was i trying to sabotage?

@Thomas
We are long distance so sexual contact is tough. It wasn’t sex that frightened me, it was something else probably, or just severe depressive episode.

But it wasn’t like that in the beginning.It never got sexual, it was just deep and intellectual talks/bonding, the type i long for.
The thing is, i pulled back when the meeting was about to happen, so i think that means something.
Because i value her and i like her a lot as a person, her character is special and i wouldn’t like to lose her. I think of her voice, her humour, her craziness, all of those.

Hmm, could u elaborate on this?

I tried listening to any kind of music but it does nothing sadly. Mostly sad music ellicits sad feelings in me, nothing else.
Its kinda hard to do when the first thought in the morning is “am i feeling today?” 🙁

Perhaps my feelings where never there to begin with?