The one that i posted above with the “why did i choose a girl whos far away” but i told her it just happened, she ticked many of my boxes and i started bonding with her. She doesnt believe it, she thinks there is more under that.
What i realized today though is that the therapist might have not taken into account (because i probably didnt focus on it enough) that when that happened, i didnt just shutdown for the girl, i was bedridden for 10 days, couldnt work/eat/clean my house, i was just showering/lying in bed/searching what happened to me.I also felt immense guilt for the girl because i couldnt be present for her.

Instead she focused on attachment issues, which might have not been really the case in this dynamic, because my shutdown/dissociation covered all areas of my life, not just the romantic one. So i might have to focus somewhere else entirely.

Hello anita

I think my mind is off so i can’t think of anything about RED right now haha, but i will try later 🙂

I mean, i can’t control if the other person will cheat, they can do that and i might never find out, so i don’t stress over it. But on deeper things (like sharing my fears, etc) i hesitate.

Fear of intimacy* sorry

No no he said that IF the compulsions persist he could give me something mild if i want it, but he said that i dont need anything right now from what ive told him.

He said that this feeling of “depression” probably comes because i havent found what i like doing in my life and it is repetitive.

Its a weird situation because one thing drives the other.

Also, today i visited a psychiatrist for evaluation, i described the situation and he told me that he doesn’t think i have anything that needs meds, just some compulsions, that perhaps might need something mild for a while if they persist, not ADHD or smth.I told him how i intellectualize everything in my life (mainly feelings), which is an avoidance mechanic in order for me to avoid feeling the negatives. He said that i overgive in the relationships to get the other person to like me (so they wont leave me/hurt me or have anything bad to accuse me of -a tad of narcissicm there but its normal-) and when its time for me to “prove” something or things get real, i find myself deep in a situation that i dont know how i got there, so i get anxious that i will “hurt” the other person, or i will seem like the bad guy and i freeze from anxiety, which leads again to hurting the other person and making me the bad guy, a self-fulfilling prophecy. (this is how i felt with her) But he also said that it’s because all my relationships were based on infatuation and i don’t know how to transition from that to the next phase, which is what’s probably happening with this girl now, but its more difficult because of the distance and the lack of physical contact.
He said that my feelings are not gone, just covered by anxiety and that i dont let myself feel them, i am afraid of getting hurt.

I say the same as you anita, i prefer sad over the nothingness that i have now.

Yes, thats what i do, i intellectualize everything so i dont have to feel them, therapist pointed it out too, told me to stop it.

Haha i wish it was that easy for the overthinking brain..

@thomas
Thank you, i will look into that since i’ve always been kinda curious about those things, they seem kinda “weird” to me 🙂

Hey anita

Perhaps my shutdown is getting in the way yes.
No i didnt try to perform, i genuinely couldnt connect the sentences, the pages in the forum dont help haha

1) Hmm, the feelings that came were fear (that i will disappoint, not be enough), then pressure (because i have to perform in order to not disappoint) and finally avoidance of the situation altogether.
2) Now i feel inadequacy because of my state, but if she is too clingy (which she isn’t) i feel anger (that goes towards my friends that never do anything without me and i feel like they are hanging from me). But the therapist said that this is a form of love that people express towards me (wanting to include me in their plans) and i probably can’t accept because i perceive it as pressure and responsibility, perhaps because at some point in my life someone needed me too much and i resented that. That makes some sense to me, because in most of my life i’ve been helping people everywhere, not expecting anything in return. But idk if i connected that to the girl or something, its very hard to identify.

Now i am mostly numb towards everything, even sadness is gone, fear too.