Hey anita

I think pretty low mood today. We scheduled a movie night with the girl and my avoidance is on full-blast right now but i will still do it, like the other time with the video call.|

I can’t understand why my brain makes her specifically a target..

Glad your day was better! 🙂
Haha, before all that, i wouldn’t even notice a “calm” day, my life is constantly on edge. Hmm, i’m grateful for a nice payday at work today and a calmer night 🙂

Some people can do that, they see the positives in almost every situation.

Hmm, like being hopeful?

I hope i get there someday because today feels like hell. Since the time i woke up i’ve been in a bad mood and my mind is now convincing me that i don’t want her and i need to end things, i feel extreme dysphoria and i have no more tears to shed. The idea of me ending things brings me some nausea in my stomach but i am so convinced that i feel nothing. I remember how amazing i used to feel with her before all these happened and its like a distant memory. Such a precious connection that i’ve never felt with anybody else again.

Damn today’s been hard 🙁

I think this is the time that i am coming to the same conclusion about what u’re saying, that no person can live up to that. I knew it already, but never actually went through that realization by “experiencing” it. We can only save ourselves i guess

Hmm, how did u reconnect or find that part?

For example: i stopped going to the gym because i dont feel the “pull” to do that, i don’t ride the motorcycle because of the same reason. I think getting out of bed is hard because of it too.

Perhaps u are right anita, because this led me to either people please or get angry and cut people off like a switch. (two extremes again, the ambivalence of either 0 or 100)

I like your questions 🙂
Hmm, i can’t recall anything specific, maybe because it never worked?

Thinking back on my relationship patterns, even though all of them were short-lived, i realize that i was only associating with girls that never really made me feel safe (always hypervigilant about them leaving, trying to meet thir needs).The feeling of needing them was consuming me, they were the source of my happiness (just like it happened with the current one) and i would get strong stomach cramps because of insecurities (like jealousy), even though i would always be pretty chill and never worry about getting cheated on since i can’t control them and know for sure, so i never bothered, i did felt extreme feelings of jealousy though, the ambivalence again? 🙂

As for the present girl, i would be like that until two months ago, if she would speak of any male acquaintance or someone hitting on her i would get this intense feeling in the stomach (i think u know what im talking about). Now i still get jealous (we joked around today and i did feel jealousy, but it was not needed) but i stopped getting this intense stomach cramp-like feeling. Could this mean that i’ve reached a level of security and comfort in this relationship that i am more relaxed on this part? Because my mind translates this as “if u dont feel consumed by jealousy then u dont want her”. Also, since november (the birth of confused), whenever i would have fun or feel good with friends/etc and not with her, or not think of her for some minutes, or feel the same intense infatuation for her, i would feel guilty and sad, which my mind also translates to “u see? u dont really wanna be with her”. I would say there is a level of codependency on me. I’ve never learned calm love/choice, i would always seek intensity and to be consumed by desire, otherwise it wouldn’t gauge my interest.

Idk if i’m right, i am just introspecting 🙂

Damn, i read my post again and i contradict myself again: “my eyes get watery” / “i can’t feel the appreciation”