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Annie

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  • #314933
    Annie
    Participant

    Anita,

    1. They would constantly say/ask him questions like “does she not like us?” Because I tend to be a quiet person and I always struggled socially since most of the time I don’t know what to say, especially if I’m not close with the person. I found out about it because he told me what they said about me. The thing is, they ask him or only say them when I’m not around. My then boyfriend tells me that initially he did try to explain to them that it’s just my personality and that I’m a quiet person. But they still always ask the same questions and I guess overtime he started to be affected by what they say. They would also say things to him that I’m too clingy or that we hold hands too much. But I don’t really see it as a big deal.. I mean we are dating. And it’s always how we’ve been, we would hold hands when we’re together. We don’t make out in public so it wasn’t like we were displaying extreme PDA. But he would tell me that his friends admit that they are jealous of our relationship. (They are single so they felt jealous we were dating.) also, one of his other friend is also in a relationship but they honestly display way more PDA than we did. They would kiss in front of everyone but it’s never an issue with his other friends. They never mention about them. I just felt like they didn’t like me because I’m not the same race as them.

    It hurts most because he agreed with what they say. A few months ago prior to our breakup, my was heated and angry with me because he felt like I was treating his friends like strangers. For example, there was a time when one of his friend (who’s single) was driving both my then boyfriend and I back home from his other friend’s house. My ex was dropped off first because it was closer, so it was just his friend and I in the car. We started talking about driving and me getting a car, etc. and I felt it was nice. “His friend isn’t as bad as I thought. We talked and he seems nice.” I thought to myself. (It’s one of the friend that I would say things about me when I’m not there.)  But on that day, according to my boyfriend, his friend told him that he asked me a question about my family (“how many siblings do you have?”) and his friend said that I replied with “one sister” and that was all we said, and that after that it was awkward silence. I told my ex that it wasn’t true and that he never asked me anything about my family, so I found it weird. Then after explaining to my ex, he talked to his friend again and then he told me that he actually admitted we did talk a lot that day.

    2. By everyone, I mean parents, grandparents, and parents’ friends. Some of my parents’ friends would compare me to my younger sister about things like my height (which I was always insecure about) and it made me felt self conscious growing up.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by Annie.
    #314757
    Annie
    Participant

    Anita – I’m not sure if jealous is the right word. It was more like disappointment in my boyfriend. That he trust what they say and believe those (bad) things they say about me and I feel betrayed because he should know me better than that. He cared a lot of what they think of him or his relationship.

    But yes, growing up I did feel a lot of jealousy and envy towards my younger sibling because everyone gave her more attention and care and I felt I lacked affection from them.

    But I do understand and realized it could be attachment trauma. The problem is I don’t know what I could do to heal or overcome it. I would prefer not going to a therapist because of financial issue at the moment.

    #314507
    Annie
    Participant

    Anita – I learned that a person’s relationship with a partner is a reflection of a person’s relationship with their caregiver/parent.

    I don’t feel the anger towards my parents anymore. But I do see the correlation of me trying to get that emotional need from my partner because I didn’t get that as a child or ever from my dad.

    #314487
    Annie
    Participant

    Lace – it’s been 2 months, almost 3 months since we broke up. To be honest, it doesn’t feel any easier for me. If anything, I feel it’s the opposite. He’s been the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up, even though we haven’t spoken to each other for a month. It hurts because I feel if he still cares, he would’ve texted me. But he doesn’t. And it hurts because he always chose his best friends over me.

    #314485
    Annie
    Participant

    Emily – it just hurts a lot because he’s the first person I’ve felt I can completely be myself with and even act like a complete idiot around him. For some reason, it was just so easy for me to open up to him. Now that’s gone. It feels so empty and I feel so betrayed by him.

    We can talk to each other if you like. It’s always nice to have someone to talk to.

    #314367
    Annie
    Participant

    Anita – thank you for your response.

    Thank you! I agree with what you said that he is not going to feel empathy towards me.

    Yes, I believe that growing up I didn’t get much of the emotional connection and bond with my parents as a child and even growing up. So I would feel like my family doesn’t understand how I feel and I would feel lonely. Which makes sense I would then crave/depend a lot on my ex partner for the emotional support and connection but even then, it was not enough.

    #167750
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Eliana, thank you for replying. No we just happened to pass through the dance building. Plus he took dance classes before so I don’t think he wants to take it again. His dance teacher is a guy and he is gay. I was wondering if there’s a way to naturally work with anxiety without counseling or medicine. We do talk about our situations and my thoughts/feelings but he is just tired of it.

    #167748
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Inky. Thank you for your reply.

    I know I shouldn’t let it affect our relationship but at times I can’t help it and don’t know how to deal with negative emotions  in a healthy way so I end up shutting other out. I try to explain things to him but then he forgets the next time and it’s like we never talked about it. He doesn’t drive either but he does work. His coworkers and manager are always nice to him, giving him free food every break time. I am happy for him that he meets so much nice people but I do feel a little jealous of him. It just seems he has a lot of people there for him while I don’t. He has a lot of friends and know a lot of people but he is generally very quiet person so he doesn’t talk much, like me. I can’t afford therapy because I’m a poor college student. I was just trying to see if I could fix this without it.

    #167746
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Francesca. Thank you for the reply.

    I can’t afford therapy since I’m a college student. Mostly I keep to myself but meeting my boyfriend, I feel I tell him a lot more of how I feel at times and my thoughts. But sometimes it’s hard because I don’t know why I have a big reaction to something most people find small or insignificant. Most times he’s just quiet and I’m the one talking most times, in good or bad moments. We have talked about this many times before and thought about how to deal with it but when I get like this, sometimes it’s like we forget we had that conversation. It doesn’t help that he’s the type that keeps to himself too and I tell him to let me know what he’s thinking or feeling. Sometimes he doesn’t tell unless we fight or when I ask him about it. I try putting effort to understanding each other by occasionally having discussions and asking random personal questions I find online.

    I do tend to have expectations and assume he should know since I’ve told him that I have anxiety and I’m insecure. It’s something hard to change without therapy but I wish there was something effective that I could try without therapy or anything costly. I don’t know who to reach out to and who’s reliable.

    We had this talk a while ago and he said he liked that I was positive and kind. We were fine in the beginning but after almost a year we started fighting a lot. He told me sometimes when I’m like this it’s hard to be around me. But that is also when I need him the most for emotional support.

     

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