Dear Annie,

a while ago you said:

I just find myself having no emotional or mental energy to do anything. And with my chronic neck and shoulder pain had been really bothersome and it’s been making things difficult since. And I just get so frustrated with myself and my pain. It feels like whatever I do this chronic pain never goes away.

Chronic pain can be related to blocked emotions, e.g. chronic shoulder pain can be related to feeling that you need to hold “the weight of the world” on your shoulders. You said you feel responsible to solve your parents’ problems – so in a way this could give you the feeling that it’s you who need to carry the burden (while others have it easy, like your sister).

It could very well be that when you start working on your emotional wounds, the chronic pain would subside too.

As I understand, right now you’re pretty much unable to move to a place of your own, because 1) you don’t have a job, 2) due to covid, and 3) because you don’t want to share a place with an unknown person, whom you don’t trust.

So you’re pretty much confined to your parents’ apartment and sharing the room with your sister. So physically, you can’t move and be free. But mentally and emotionally, you might be able to “move” and feel freer. One thing I believe would help you is not to expect to get empathy and understanding from your parents. Because you try to communicate with them, and it falls on deaf ears. Recently you broke down in front of your mother because she didn’t show compassion for you, and the friend that you had complained to earlier didn’t either:

… yesterday it just topped it off and I had a break down and cried in front of her because the same day, I was venting to a friend about something else that was upsetting me and her response made me felt like my feelings were invalid and I don’t feel heard, like my feelings are being dismissed. I was really feeling distressed because it’s like no one in my life understands or tries to empathize with me.

Expecting compassion and understanding from your mother – when she seems unable to give it to you – is what hurts you again and again. It just breaks your heart and deepens the wound. You’d need to accept that she isn’t capable of giving you what you long for, and seek it elsewhere. In fact, the best would be to seek it in therapy, where you’ll not only receive attention and empathy, but also the possibility to heal the wound of rejection, which is affecting most of your relationships.

I think this would break the cycle of you having a need, expressing it to someone unable or unwilling to meet that need, and then you getting disappointed and hurt even more.

How are you, Annie?

anita

Dear Annie,

It’s been busy as I am currently working from home. But mentally and emotionally, I don’t feel okay.

I am sorry you don’t feel okay, but there is at least one positive thing: you have a job now. Last time we spoke, you were looking for one… Does it help you feel at least a bit more empowered at the moment?

Yes I know I can’t expect to get empathy and understanding from parents, and taking the personal development course, it makes sense why I get so triggered by their actions or lack of actions because of the many emotional core wounds I developed from my upbringing (which I am still learning about and trying to work on and I know will take many years to work on).

It’s good you are at least aware that you shouldn’t expect empathy and understanding from your parents, so you are open to looking for it elsewhere. Eventually the goal would be to give it to yourself – to have empathy for the little Annie who was treated differently than her younger sister, which made her feel rejected and unappreciated.

There is a really useful youtube video on reparenting, by Barbara Heffernan. Please check it out (look for Barbara Heffernan, title: Reparenting Yourself, posted on June 22, 2021). It gives a framework of how we can reparent ourselves, with or without the help of a therapist.

because of the many emotional core wounds I developed from my upbringing (which I am still learning about and trying to work on and I know will take many years to work on).

There is actually a limited number of core wounds that we can have, so it doesn’t have to be such a daunting task. Perhaps a part of the problem is that you believe there’s so much work ahead of you, so many issues that need healing, and this prevents you from even starting? But it doesn’t have to be so overwhelming. As you’ll see in the video, one of the first steps is to take better care of yourself (e.g. sleep, rest, and better boundaries with people), which you might be able to implement relatively easily.

Yesterday, I met up with my ex from 3 years ago since we’ve talked about meeting up but it kept being pushed back due to him being busy. After I came home from seeing him, I felt really sad and hurt. I didn’t think I’d cry after seeing him but I did end up doing so.

Would you like to share some more? How come you felt sad and hurt after meeting him? Were you hoping to rekindle the relationship and he wasn’t interested?

Dear Annie:

Positive affirmations don’t work for you. I understand.

anita

Dear Annie,

you are welcome, and please do check out that video, because it’s pertinent to what you are experiencing: a possibility of burnout:

Yes, there is definitely a lot I need to heal from and work on. Recently, it’s been hard to juggle everything since I’ve been doing 3 other internships and helping clients with tasks that I barely have the time and focus on working on myself. I have been feeling slightly burnt out as I feel I’m taking on more than I think I can handle. But this is because I’m trying to gain more skills so I can find work that pays better and I shouldn’t waste time.

You’ve already complained about it – that you tend to overwork yourself, accept more than you can handle, be it dealing with your parents’ requirements, or now, with your 3 internships plus a job. Taking on more than you can handle is a problem of boundaries, because you’re unable to say No. And also, it’s a sign of not taking care of yourself enough, and self-care is crucial for any kind of healing.

So please, consider reducing your workload, perhaps even dropping one of your 3 internships, so you can have a better balance and a better chance for getting on the path of healing. Think about it: if you are more emotionally healthy, you’ll be able to get a better paying job where you’ll be better appreciated and respected. So ensuring enough self-care is crucial even for your professional goals.

I am sorry about your boyfriend not being interested in a committed relationship. Beginning of this year, he said he missed your touch and hugs. A while later, he said “he’s okay with hanging out and having fun, but doesn’t want to date.” And he told you that you should meet other people if possible. So he clearly isn’t interested in being with you… although him saying he misses your hugs might mean he is interested in a “friends with benefits” arrangement? Or this is not what he is aiming at?

Anyhow, it seems that while you were dating, you were in a rather common dynamic of you being the anxious one in the relationship, and he being avoidant. Your relationship was on and off because he wanted to break up but then he’d get back to you and you’d rekindle the relationship. You were anxious and worried that he’d leave you, and you often complained that he’s not as caring to you as his friend was to his girlfriend. You also felt that his friends are more important to him than you are.

You were reacting from your wound of rejection (having felt rejected by your own family), and projecting that on him. I don’t know his character and whether he was indeed negligent and not very caring with you, but he probably didn’t like your accusations, and this made him withdraw from you. But then he’d start missing you after a while, and the cycle repeated several times, until you put an end on it, because you couldn’t bear another rejection of his.

Last December, 1-2 years after your breakup, he initiated a meeting, to possibly rekindle the relationship once again (?). But it never happened due to covid and his father’s illness. When you finally met in person a few weeks ago, after 10 months of not seeing each other, you never got to talk about your relationship and feelings (although you admitted to him earlier that you still have feelings for him). Instead, you talked about everything else, and then he had to leave. You now feel “rejected and so hurt”. You were hoping that he might be feeling something for you after all, but now it seems that he’s moved on and it’s hard for you to accept it.

The way I see it, I think that he indeed has moved on, or if hasn’t moved on entirely, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you while you are still reacting from your wound of rejection. Maybe it’s hard for him to be without you, because he misses some aspects of your relationship, but also it’s hard for him to stay with you because you tend to accuse him of not giving you enough. If you react from a wound, no amount of his love and attention will ever be enough. And that’s exhausting.

If you want a healthy relationship, either with him or with anybody else, you’d need to heal that wound. Work on your inner child. Get in touch with the little girl inside of you, who felt rejected, and give her love and appreciation. Tell her she is special and unique. Give her that what you expect from your parents, your boyfriend and everybody else. That’s the quickest way I know of healing that wound and being free…