Elisabeth,

I don’t visit here very frequently so I have not seen the predecessor topics.  But I see what you have done here and I think it’s pretty amazing, and inspirational.   That is a lot of important decision making in a very short time!   Thank you for sharing.

Tim,

You’ve touched on one of the issues that I see in many corners of the internet– the “black and white” nature that can exist within it.

There are online articles out there that I think can make just about anyone feel bad about themselves. One example I’ve seen is on the topic of “narcissism” – advice to immediately steer clear permanently of anyone who does anything on a list even once… and yet the list seems to throw such a wide net that I don’t think anyone on earth hasn’t done at least one of the things on it at least once.

That does by no means indicate that there aren’t horrible relationships out there and people who need gentle advice to understand that they need to make a change… there are, unfortunately, sad but true. But what also happens is that people who are prone to questioning themselves (myself included) see themselves being written about in these “black and white” pieces, and feel even worse. Try your best to not do that to yourself. It’s not easy, I know.

Thanks for reading.

Alex,

Hi. I am new here also; I was led here by searching on the phrase, “self care” which returns citations to Tiny Buddha; this thread was in the sidebar of “recent posts.”

I’m not sure I have any tips for you– I’ll try below– but I can certainly relate. You’re not alone in this feeling. I think we all experience it from time to time, that’s just part of being human. Some feel it more than others. I feel that I do. I know other people who also feel this way and I do my best to try to empathize with them if I can, and if they will allow me to do so.

Like Anita, I was also not validated as a child. If I did something right– for example, I was a very good student– that was disregarded because there was always something wrong that invalidated my achievement. I could provide too many examples for my own good but that’s not the point anyway.

I also feel like I depend too much on others for my happiness, although to be fair to myself, that is not true all of the time.

One place in which I find solace–not necessarily answers, just solace– is music. I have been a singer in solitude nearly all of my life, and when I am belting out something (reasonably in key, fortunately) I am not only exercising physically but I am in a sense letting go and feeling alive. To me that’s a bit of self-validation at times. I have a playlist called “Catharsis” that I turn to when things don’t seem to be going well. Lately I have been listening and singing along to a song by Christina Perri called “I Believe” (it’s on YouTube).

(I suppose I should mention here that in my experience no one thing works all the time. I need to have a veritable arsenal of ways to fight back against the negative feelings that sometimes come on without warning.)

I chose my handle “Pegasus63” because I believe that when I am at my best I am “being a Pegasus” for people– listening, offering advice in a non-judgmental way, and just being by their side for a moment or two. I think this sometimes helps to validate me as well… I know I am alive and I matter when I am helping someone to see that they matter.

I also try to focus on the thought, “Think of what did happen, not what didn’t.” I am trying hard to counteract the “yes, but” retort that I heard constantly growing up, and I find that helps. I am also trying to eliminate the word “should” from my conversations, especially the ones with myself… “should” implies self-judgement, often much harsher than is called for or what we deserve.

In my day job up until very recently I was a process improvement practitioner. One of the tools we have is “brainstorming” and the idea behind that is to get as many ideas as possible out there for consideration. The ideas I have described might be useful or might not, or they might lead to other ideas that will help you to become more self-validating. Maybe there is something in there for you, Alex, if so, please take it and build on it in any way that you would like.