Hi. I just stumbled upon this post and reading this eased me since I’m relieved that I wasn’t the only one who had experienced this.

When I was a child, I was always told to be better than my siblings, to aim better. To live better. To not do stupid things like my siblings or my father. I live with my mother since she and my father have been divorced since I was 5.

Due to my siblings’ poor life choices. I am forced to be better. Forced is a strong word but my mother is very subtle. She would often guilt trip me if I don’t follow what she wants. Example “I’m the only person I could hope on while the rest of your siblings are hopeless.” She would watch everything I do. She would ignore my need to be heard and say that I complained too much or I’m just overly sensitive. My opinions never matter. Even if I’m sad, I’m doewn, in need of emotional support. She would blame me and point every wrong things that I do that sometimes doesn’t relate back to what I’m feeling. She never admit her fault. It’s always mine. Never even apologized if she said something that will scar me mentally forever because “A parent should never apologize to a their child.” Mentality

She all say that it is tough love.

I’ve lived with her for so long, influenced by her for so long that even if my siblings were telling me what she did to me was wrong. I cannot for the life of me go away.

My decisions have been controlled. I barely can’t go out with friends unless she knows them up close. And as years go by. I became from this tolerant, patient child to a bitter arsehole who doesn’t want to do anything with their family.

I get so easily angered by listening to them. Even if they are right. I refused to listen. I refused to care but I have to do it either way. Begrudgingly. But inside I’m fuming and it keeps growing.

I am a muslim. I tried to pray. I keep my faith but like Jo. I felt spiritually numbed. Day by day I’m getting sad and more mean than ever. Nothing sits well for me. Nothing feels right anymore. II’ve been told again and again I have lost myself, my ways. Maybe I am? Because I don’t know what to do with this pent up anger. Throwing it in the internet is easier because I’m not physically there but it’s hard to muster up and tell someone in real life because they’re physically there to judge you. I want to be that nice kid again. But I don’t know how. I’m slowly losing my mind over this and I can’t get away.

Would it really make it better if I were to one day leave the place once I can? Would everything calm down? I’m very very afraid to have my mom curse my life if I don’t do what she wants even if she says she’s letting me do what I want but I digress… I just don’t want to lose a mother’s blessings but I’m suffering mentally… I don’t know what to do. I’m 20 coming to 21…