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Renz Han

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  • in reply to: Need help i feel someone is inside of me #391734
    Renz Han
    Participant

    Hi! anita, sorry for late reply, I’m not fine at all, I cannot sleep and today i just have mental breakdown with my parents that I want to kill myself and I’m tired fighting my own thoughts, I don’t know what’s happening  to me ever since I started to take medications my condition is much worse than before, my mind became much more violent and every minute I have intrusive thoughts, next week is my birthday all I ever want is to be okay and have a normal life.

    in reply to: Need help i feel someone is inside of me #390901
    Renz Han
    Participant

    Hello! Anita, thanks for the reply. It all started on my first day of my third year of high school. I was a huge fan of Lady Gaga back then. She was super popular, and rumors started to circulate at my school that she was part of a devil-worshipping group called the “Illuminati.” “Worshipping the devil” became stuck in my mind to the point where it became the voices of the demon pushing me to worship them: ( All I did during my 3rd year & 4th year of high school was to cry alone because someone was pushing me to worship the dark side and join them. I didn’t want that to happen. I was a religious person back then. I love Jesus Christ, and there was a time when I considered killing myself because of these dark voices (jumping to the mall or hanging myself). Those were very dark years of my life. I do not want to remember any of my high school memories, and I was a loner back then. My only friend transferred to another school, and I was being bullied about my sexuality and weird personality. Suddenly, those voices started to go away during my college days because I started to discover K-pop, which was an answer to prayer from God. I wasn’t okay during my college days because I was still a loner back then. I push people away and I’m thankful for those voices gone for the mean time. Right now, I’m suffering from restless leg syndrome with dark voices. I can’t think of ending my life because of this. I’m still fighting Anita.

    in reply to: Need help i feel someone is inside of me #390865
    Renz Han
    Participant

    Hello! Anita, sorry for the lateness. I went to the psychiatrist last month and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was shocked because I thought I was only experiencing severe anxiety and pure OCD. I’m still struggling with lots of voices and intrusive thoughts even though I’m taking meds (Olanzapine). I guess it will take time to recover since the symptoms started when I was in high school. I wish I was okay and normal; I can’t stop thinking about the days when I was a normal person. I’m planning to quit my job as a call center because it’s so hard for me to do my job now, but I can’t quit because I’m the breadwinner of the family. 🙁

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