Dear Anita,

The whole affair came to a conclusion last night. After 3 days of intermittent communication, she called me and said that she doesn’t want to sleep with me anymore. To be honest, I sort of expected this. It hurt, I am not gonna lie, but, what hurt me more was the reason she gave me for ending it.

So she is a self proclaimed empath and a spiritual person. She believes in past lives, reincarnation, psychic and tarot readings, astrology, cleansing and other stuff. She can apparently absorb energy from people around her and feel what they feel as she is an ’empath’. So if people around her go through any sort of negative emotion, that would overwhelm her and make her experience the same emotion.

Coming back to last night, she said that she wanted to end it because she goes into a depressed state after we have sex. She claimed that this has happened every time we got intimate and that she was able to realize this only a few days back. According to her this is a sign from the universe that my ‘soul’ is not good for her ‘soul’. She also claimed that I drain all her energy when I am with her and called me an ‘energy vampire’.

Now what I don’t understand is, how can I be bad for her soul when I only have respect and love for her? I have never had any ill intentions towards her at all. When I asked her this question, she said that I am a good person but my soul is doing it subconsciously. she told me this is one of those things that are beyond our control. Also how can I be an energy vampire when I respected all her boundaries and have been a good friend (her words)? I have never demanded anything from her nor have I forced her to do anything.

It hurts a lot because she made me the bad guy here. On top of being hurt, I am losing my mind trying to figure out if there was any truth to what she said. How am I even supposed to make sense of her reasons, let alone move on?

Priyan

Hi Anita,

Thank you for checking in on me. I am hanging in there. A few things happened the last week. We stay an hour apart from each other. She used to live close to me, but since her job became fully remote, she moved away. Her office had organized a holiday get together/potluck last week and she also had her doctor’s appointment the following day. As her work place and her doctor’s office are close to where I live she asked me if she could visit and stay with me the entire week. That got me really excited as she also said she wanted to spend some time with me, so, naturally I agreed.

To say we had a blast would be an understatement. We spent the time together cooking her dish for potluck, watching movies, going out and obviously having a lot of fun in the bedroom. This time I showed my affection and love for her more than usual when she was with me. We hugged, kissed and cuddled more often than usual. I should also tell you that while I was the one who initiated the hugs and cuddles, she never resisted and participated with the same enthusiasm. But she also made sure to keep reminding me that I am nothing more than a good friend with benefits. I even took her to her doctor’s appointment and when was diagnosed to be clinically depressed, I helped her look up therapists in her area.

When it was time for her to leave we hugged and kissed and agreed we were going to miss each other. She called me on her drive back home and we were on the phone her entire drive.

The confusion started the day after she departed. She didn’t call me the entire day and responded to my texts late. When she did call me late evening, she said that she has been busy and that she is trying to stay away from her phone as it was giving her headaches. I took what she said at face value and didn’t think too much. when the same thing happened the next day, I knew something was off. So that evening when she called, I asked her point blank if she was avoiding me. She replied that she has a lot going on for her (didn’t say what) and that she needs her space. She also said she wants to rethink the relationship she has with me and that she wants to cut back on how much time we spend talking/spending with each other as she is scared that might hurt both of us if/when we decide to date other people.

So in essence, she went from someone who used to send me romantic texts and video call everyday to someone who used to call every day and text me throughout the day to someone who wants to take a break from me now. All this while we were having sex and she knowing that I have feelings for her.

From the way she is behaving I cannot say if she has any feelings for me or is she just scared of commitment and is trying to run away from her emotions.

I am confused, hurt and feel ignored and used.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the thought provoking reply. Yes, It is absolutely possible that I just wanted to sleep with her the night I met. But every time I reminded her about our FWB agreement when she wanted something too intimate her response would be ” Don’t worry, I will never expect anything from you other than your physical presence and sex”. So, I assumed we both were on the same page. Also, she never outright came and told me she had feelings for me. That is what made me think if I had imagined her feelings for me.

What baffles me is she seemed to have lost interest in me only after I confessed my feelings. Because I know for a fact that her behavior towards me did not change after I said I only wanted sex from her. I did not see any change in her until the weekend trip where I confessed.

She had been in two failed relationships before. So it is absolutely possible that she is protecting herself by refusing to come out of the FWB box. But it has been a month since she denied having any feelings for me. In this month I have been totally honest with her about my feelings and intentions. I told her how I felt about her the first night we met and what made me change my mind and develop actual romantic feelings for her. She heard all this and said she had seen me only as a friend since the beginning and never saw me as potential romantic partner. I went to the extent of even asking her if she felt any connection when we had sex and her reply was: “No, I just enjoyed the act”. This totally killed me inside and made me question my cue/hint reading skills.

Do you still think that I did not imagine her feelings for me?

After hearing her answer about the sex,  I can’t possible imagine she had feelings for me once.