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Kaitlin

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • June 28, 2016 at 9:51 am #108422
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    I’ve always liked the industrial revolution since learning about it in school, and I’ve always wanted to visit western germany.

    I feel like I can relate to the character more if he is male? I’m not very “girly” myself despite the fact I do wear dresses (just because I like them).

    I am still possibly considering the idea of transitioning, but, my mother is against it. I know I like girls, but as a girl myself? Part of me believes I was born to be a guy. I first had that thought in middle school (6-9th grade) I know I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, so to say. I am working on motivation to get to the gym more and eat healthier first. Perhaps that’s why I’m so anxious in the present, because I’m not who I think I’m supposed to be.

    June 28, 2016 at 7:54 am #108411
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you for always responding.

    Yes, I’ve noticied in the past when I go to the movie theatre to see a movie, I become so captivated by the visuals and audio, it’s like I’m in another world for even just a short length of time. I forget to be anxious. Now, it would be nice if I could forget to be anxious all the time. I do not want to watch movies all the time, because then I would turn into my mother.

    I think I understand about the double memory. I have one memory feeling normal, but my anxiety afterwards replaces the normal as something I should “fear”. I think I fear being normal? I’m not sure.

    For my story, it takes place shortly after the industrial revolution in western germany, and centered around a very wealthy family’s eldest son. It’s a sort of coming of age story, I think. The main character also has to deal with being gay in a society that’s not very accepting. Also sort of a “steampunk” setting. I am just starting to figure the details out.

    June 27, 2016 at 4:30 pm #108378
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    Yesterday while my anxiety was high, I thought about it, and I really don’t have to worry about anything I don’t want to. It’s my choice. I automatically start to worry about life and death when my mind wanders or when I feel depressed, but reminding myself that it’s my choice to waste my life worrying has helped a lot. I want to create with my life, but I feel like whatever I will make isn’t good enough for anyone else, no matter how proud I may be in my own work. I actually love writing, but because my mother was afraid of it when I was little, that brushed off on me (in a bad way)- another part of myself that I’m hiding. I’ve had this idea for a story since highschool that I would like to see as a movie or TV series someday, but I have trouble getting it down on paper and out of my mind in fear of rejection for being unique.

    Today I saw the movie Now You See Me 2, and I felt completely normal and even excited while I watched it. But afterwards thinking about it, it feels like I saw it before. Like a double memory, or something. Like I wasn’t really connected when I felt normal.

    Thank you.

    June 25, 2016 at 11:19 am #108201
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    I talked to my therapist, and we are now working on a plan to get me moved out as soon as possible and out of the house away from my mother as much as a possible in the meantime. It’s going to be scary, living on my own, but I know I can I do it, since I’ve done it before (and quite successfully). I have to do it. I can’t live with her anymore (my mother). Hopefully it will be a place that allows pets so I can bring my cat, who is my emotional support animal. Just watching her sleep and listening to her purr helps calm me down a lot. I feel loved by her, something I don’t feel from my mother. My cat’s name is Luna, after the moon (in spanish), and she’s a calico. She’s probably the only thing that kept me going strong these last couple of years.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Kaitlin.
    June 20, 2016 at 5:54 am #107742
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    I talked to my father, and he said he won’t pay for me to live on my own, which frustrates me. I’m not sure he understands why I’m so angry with my mother, even though I told him why. I’m not sure he can comprehend it.

    There are all sorts of programs in my area to help people who need help getting out and starting their own lives. I will talk to my therapist about it. One of my friends has the help of one of those programs, and she is living on her own and has a job now.

    I think my goal is to move out from my mother by the end of the year, if not sooner, so the healing can continue. These last couple days I’ve felt much calmer than in the last 3 years, since I came out as a lesbian which was a big part of me I was hiding. Even my dad has noticed it.

    My mother doesn’t want me to “advertise” that I like girls, by wearing rainbow accessories, but I want to and I am going to. It’s part of who I am. I shouldn’t be ashamed of it, just like I’m creative.

    June 19, 2016 at 1:10 pm #107693
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    Sorry to bother you so much.

    Today, I got angry at my mother because she took two of my cookies that I got for myself without asking. We even agreed that those cookies were mine. She had gotten her own cookies to eat, so did my dad. I let her know I was angry and she apologized, but I still feel angry with her. My dad and I never share, because we are both only children, and my mom grew up in a family where they had to share all the time. I recognize the importance of sharing, but because of my OCD about germs, I just can not share food or drinks with anyone, or else it’s “dirty”. My mother knows this and has always done this, another reason that I’m angry with her. She has no respect for personal space or property.

    June 18, 2016 at 2:37 pm #107607
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    I also suffer from deja vu, which is a result from my constantly high state of anxiety. Sometimes it gets really bad where it lasts for hours. Mind you, this is not normal deja vu. I would be doing something completely new and all of a sudden it would feel like I’ve been in the same situation before. But, it feels so real. I hope I can one day resolve this issue as well. I think it has to do with being authentic as well, because I would start to enjoy myself, then the uncertainty and “deja vu” come. Like I’m trying to hide my true self.

    June 18, 2016 at 12:50 pm #107603
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you so much. I cried happy tears reading your post. I can get better. You are right, I wasn’t born this way. My therapist has also mentioned the possibility of a group home in the meantime, if I can not afford living on my own just yet, or my father is unwilling to pay for me living on my own. Then, once I get a job and earn more money, enough to start on and live on my own, I will do that. I want to live my life the way I want to, and not feel bad about it.

    I’ve already sent my therapist an email (she is confidential and I trust her- she has helped a lot these couple of years), and I will speak to her tuesday about my mother, and what can be done so I am away from her. Even for now, if I can’t move away just yet, getting out of the house more so I am not suffocating in despair.
    Maybe I will try yoga again.

    Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

    June 18, 2016 at 11:51 am #107601
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    It has been a mixture of just therapy for me, and therapy for the family. I have not told my therapist this, because I don’t want to make my mother feel bad, because I still love her, as her child. And before posting on this website, I did not know the reason for the hate so I have just been guessing.

    I know that living away from my mother (I live with my parents right now) would help me get better, but I don’t how it’s possible to make that happen. I have no job, so no money right now. My parents (mostly my dad), takes care of all my food and clothing expenses, something which I want to do by myself some day. I want to get a job, I want to be a productive person and contribute to society, everything my mother is not.

    June 18, 2016 at 11:18 am #107598
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    Yes, I felt like I was rejected by her. She would always sit in front of the television, and being engrossed in newspapers, so much so, that they covered the house. The house was never clean, and I was never allowed to have friends over because of this, and I lost friendships because of this. My mother would also never get a job, and just sit around and do nothing all day, and come downstairs from bed in the afternoon, which she still does. I wake up early in the morning, and so does my father. My mother would also prohibit me from buying certain things I wanted, even though my friends at school had them. I know that you can not always get what you want, but yes. She would also pick out my clothing for me without considering my opinion, something which she still does now. My dad is much more understanding than my mom, and he is easier to get along with her. I have no anger towards him. My mother can also be insensitive and not always think before she thinks, and I was physically and mentally abused by her as a child.

    I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression these last couple of years, as well as schizoaffective disorder.

    Thank you.

    Edit: I do not know what her high standards are.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Kaitlin.
    June 18, 2016 at 11:09 am #107596
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    My mother has also said she holds herself to very high standards, and I’m worried she holds me to those same standards as well…

    June 18, 2016 at 11:01 am #107594
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    @anita

    I also think you are right. I feel like my mother is the reason why I’m afraid to be authentic, because I don’t want to be rejected by her for who I am. She is my mother, but I feel like nothing I do will ever make her happy with me, even though it is just a misconception of mine. She loves me and supports me, but I still feel angry.

    June 18, 2016 at 9:56 am #107591
    Kaitlin
    Participant

    Thank you both for your comments so much! Yes, I am still hiding lots of things about myself, like how creative I can be through art. I want to be more creative with expressing myself through art, but I feel locked down, in a sense. Like I’m not living up to my full potential as the real me. Sorry if what I’m writing sounds confusing to you. I worry about how I come across to others, because I don’t always understand what people are thinking (I am also on the autistic spectrum), but who really does? We can’t read another’s thoughts, but we can try. I don’t want to seem rude or better off to other people, just because I was blessed with some money when I was born. I try to hide that fact from people. But I’m tired of it, even though I still don’t want to flaunt it…

    Yes, I came out to my parents, therapist, and two close friends this week. My therapist said I was brave, and I have full support and love from everybody. I am lucky.

    And @Sann, I think I what you said is correct. I am afraid of rejection for being authentic. I will try to be kind with myself, but that may be hard at the beginning.

    Thank you both for taking the time to read this silly thread.

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