Dear J,

First of all, good for you and congratulations! Many good things await you.

Your story is nearly a mirror image of my own experience except that I smoked for 14 years and quit about 2.5 years ago. Like you, I tried tons of different ways to quit but none of them stuck. And, like you, I finally quit smoking for good when I read Allen Carr’s amazing book, “The Easy Way”. His method has a better track record than nearly anything else out there.

My advice to you is to never look back. Though you probably feel a bit strange right now, like something is not quite right, and you may have moments of doubt and fear that you will fall back, it all hinges on one thing: making a decision. What I realized was that cigarettes are primarily a psychological addiction and simply deciding to no longer be a non-smoker is enough to quit forever.

The word “decide” comes from the latin decidere, which literally means “to cut off”. In other words, a decision cuts off all other possibilities.

After I quit, even though I felt strange for a while and had worries and fears, I knew that I had decided to be free from smoking. And slowly it became easier and easier and life became better and better.

Today, 2.5 years later, I know that I will never ever again smoke another cigarette. It is not who I am now. It was a part of the old me.

So, if fears, doubt or worries creep into your mind, gently push them aside and remind yourself that you have made a decision and re-direct your mind to all the wonderful things which await you as a non-smoker. And trust me, from experience, I can tell you, you will never regret this decision because the beauty and joy in your life is going to grow and grow from here on.

Congratulations to you. I know your quest, I know your triumph. You are now on to bigger and better things because you have already conquered one of the greatest obstacles which can befall a person.

Wishing you joy and health,

Richard

Charles and Snails,

I am with you. There is something magical and peaceful about the break of day. The transition from darkness and silence into light and life. Yet, at that time there is still a sense of quiet and peace.

I have also found that this is the best time for contemplation and thinking.

In response to Snails, personally, I love to go through a walk in the forest at dawn or watch the sunrise over the ocean on an eastern shore.

Charles, thank you for bringing our focus on to something positive and beautiful! We should all talk about our favorites more often!

Dear Elle,

My heart truly goes out to you, as I know exactly how you feel. I promise, this too shall pass. And though it is very hard to see how, this will almost certainly turn out to be something that makes you stronger and better.

Life can be difficult, there is no doubt about it. And relationships can be one of the toughest aspects of life.

Years ago, when I felt the same as you, I never would have imagined that all the pain and difficulty that I was going through would end up making me so much better at relationships. What I went through trained me to be a better and more succeessful partner.

You’re hurting and you are at a crossroads. I have a recommendation for you and I am recommedning this because it greatly transformed me when I was feeling like you are.

As much as possible, when anything happens to you, or at any time you feel bad or think negative, say the following, out loud:

“Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.”

It may seem counter-intuitive to say this when you feel like life has been cruel to you, and it may be hard to say at first, but I urge you to give it a shot. Again and again say this and you will marvel at how quickly you can see the beauty of life again!

I wish you love and joy!

Richard

Hi Happinessseeker,

First of all, I must compliment you on how aware of yourself you really are! As a college student, you are way ahead of so many of your peers in how conscious you are of your own actions. Paying attention to what we do is the first step and it seems you have done this in abundance.

I can completely relate to your situation as, about 15 years ago, I was nearly a mirror image of you. And I can promise you, it does get easier and it gets so much better. I guarantee it. Every mistake you make with a girl, every thing you regret doing or saying, is simply a lesson. It is your training for becoming better at relating to girls. And because youare smart enough to pay attention, you will learn the lessons and you will get better and better.

We often struggle in relationships because we are focused on ourselves. There is nothing inherently wrong in this, it is natural, but it does not really help us.

Try this: in all of your relationships (friends, teachers, girls, parents, etc), throughout your interactions in daily life, constantly ask yourself if you are paying attention to yourself or to the other person. Imagine arrows pointing in towards you or arrows pointed out towards them. Consistently ask, “Where are the arrows of my attention pointing?” If they are pointing inwards (if you are thinking and focused on yourself), gently attempt to direct them outwards. If you focus on giving to the other person, doing for the other person, being there for them, amazingly your fear, self-consciousness, awkwardness will be magically replaced with relaxation, confidence and charisma.

It may take a bit of practice, but you will surely succeed in this if you persist. And your rewards will not only be amazing romantic relationships, but also success in nearly every aspect of your life.

Remember, arrows pointing out! Give to others, focus on others and all the problems you mentioned above will melt away.