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  • February 9, 2020 at 8:04 am #337268
    RedMap
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for your thought towards my response. You are simply amazing.

    Okay, YES you are correct in your understanding. He seems to be almost to the point of giving up on qualities that are obviously good ones to have in a relationship. This is a negative. This “on the edge of things” mentality worries me.

    He has never shown me any sign of dishonesty, secretive or thoughtless. In fact he has shined in his honesty, openness and selflessness.

    Do you think there is something BEHIND his statement that “relationships are based on ‘irrational passions, lies and seduction’” and “that he is worried honesty, openness and thoughtfulness will never work”. I am not sure what to think about this…

    Thank you, Anita.

    P

    February 9, 2020 at 7:57 am #337264
    RedMap
    Participant

    Valora,

    You insight is beautiful. Not all traumas must be dealt with verbally. Just to read your first paragraph opened my mind and heart! So thank you.

    You hit a second good point- there IS an expectation from my family to date a certain type. I will make my best attempt to answer your question. I grew up with traditional values and parents who were not in unison on much but they were on that. They want all of the right things in terms of someone who loves me and treat me well. It is difficult for me to understand exactly why they do not like him and their reasons are vague as well “he’s just not like you”. If I put myself in their shoes I think they are afraid of the possibility of me being drug down by a relationship and they want me in one that (on the surface at least) gives them more assurance of being raised up.

    As a last note and in total vulnerability I feel like a teenager writing about this and I am twenty five. This last thought almost makes me want to throw my papers up and move on from the whole thing. I’m too old for this.

    I just want to take another moment to thank you sincerely. I wish I could express how much your words move me and help me.

    P

    January 31, 2020 at 10:01 am #336022
    RedMap
    Participant

    Anita,

    Your reply on working together as a strong effective team is incredibly insightful.

    At this point I have decided to ask him to continue the relationship for the next three months only until we both start school as advice from my therapist. Strange thing it is that this thread happens to be the only place I feel comfortable expressing how truly indecisive I am on this.

    In comparison with my past relationships he is wise beyond both of them. I could go on about the good things. Most importantly, I have a strong intuition that he has the patience and knowledge to guide me through some of the qualities I am hoping to improve about myself and maybe I can do the same for him.

    Here is the negative. I believe he has rushed into his previous relationships leaving him feeling like he will be alone and that relationships are based on “irrational passions, lies and seduction”. He told me that he is worried honesty, openness and thoughtfulness will never work.

    I wish I could make this work between us but the negative factors make me hesitate.

     

    Any light you can shed is again incredibly appreciated.

     

    P

     

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