Dear RedMap:

“He has had a dark past which I know little about”- I suggest that you ask him about his past. If he learned from his dark past and will be using what he learned to make a better future for himself, then he will be able to tell you about his past, to share about it with you with relative comfort and confidence. (If he refuses to share with you, if he is very uncomfortable, that means that maybe he didn’t learn from his past and is likely to repeat it, or it means that he distrusts you, which means that this beginning relationship is lacking a fundamental value- trust).

“we are at the very bottom of enormous mountains to climb… the odds against us”- this means that the two of you need to work like an excellent team of two, so to climb those mountains and fight those odds. It means that the two of you need to work well together, to make each other stronger, to bring up the best in each other. Without a strong and effective team work on an ongoing basis, the two of you as a couple will.. stay at the very bottom of those enormous mountains, which is something neither one of you wants.

If you want to share more details about the relationship and this man (details that are not specific, such as names, dates, ages, and so forth), and/ or about your previous two relationships, and/ or about your relationships with the family members (parents?) who advised you against this beginning relationship, please do and I will be glad to reply to you further.

anita

I agree with asking him about his past, BUT keep in mind that some people don’t feel comfortable talking about certain traumas with anyone, so if he doesn’t want to share certain things, it may be nothing to do with you, how comfortable he feels with your, or how much he trusts you… it may just be that he cannot talk about it. This is why art, music, dance, and drama therapies are gaining in popularity because they are allowing people to express and release past traumas that they cannot express verbally through other means.

Can you say what exactly it is that your parents are worried about when it comes to him or why they don’t like him? What reasons have they given you?  Do they have any expectations for you to date a certain type of person that you know of?

For one thing, though, he’s going to have to change that believe he has on relationships being based on “irrational passions, lies, and seduction” or he’s setting himself up for failure already. SOME relationships might be, but definitely not all. That’s something you two can talk about though and if you decide to stay with him long-term, your actions together as a couple can prove to him otherwise.

Dear RedMap:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.

When I first read that he told you that relationships are based on “irrational passions, lies and seduction”, and that he is worried that “honesty, openness and thoughtfulness will never work”, I thought: oh, oh, this means perhaps that he is dishonest, closed, thoughtless, irrational and a liar in the context of an adult romantic relationship.

But in your most recent post you wrote: “He has never shown me any sign of dishonesty, secretive or thoughtfulness. In fact he has shined in his honesty, openness and selflessness”.

I am now re-thinking that his first statements are insightful and true to reality. When we are children, living with your parents, we witness their relationship with each  other, and it often does include dishonesty, secrecy, thoughtlessness, lies and irrational passions. We may witness these things in our parents’ relationships with their relatives and friends, hearing them gossip about them behind their backs, or complaining about the others gossiping about them, etc.

When we are children, living with our parents, we often experience them lying to us! Being dishonest and secret and thoughtless with us. And we experience their irrational passions when they are angry at us, screaming and yelling and whatnot, or when they brag about our achievements, irrationally exaggerating those, etc.

-So yes, he is correct. He doesn’t want to be that way himself. This is very promising, this part about him. I just wish he has what it takes to carry his insight through and improve his mind and life in other ways.

anita