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Peter

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  • October 24, 2016 at 7:18 am in reply to: What to expect from life partner? #118798
    Peter
    Participant

    What to expect from a life partner

    – That they will challenge your relationship to the idea of relationship and love.
    – That they will challenge how you think and feel you are.
    – That they will disappoint you (you will disappoint them)
    – That they will surprise you (you will surprise them)
    – That they will attempt to heal past hurts through the relationship as you will attempt to heal the past hurts.
    – That they will bring out the best and the worst of you – and you will bring out the best and worst in them
    – That they will at times inspire you to be more then you thought you could be and at times hold you back.
    – That they will be something to push against so that you might grow.

    A healthy relationship learns to cultivate an “unconditional yes” to these realities and in doing so create the potential where each might become. This love is not an unconditional yes is not a unconditional allowing but an awareness that creates space were we may respond to our partners instead of reacting.

    The other day I was asked what quality I looked for in a partner. I surprised myself when at the top of the list I stated someone who did not panic when they were not experiencing the ideal of love and connection that they imagined.

    “The perfect partner is often the one who triggers off our core emotional wounds so that we can revisit and mend our past injuries. The reopening of our old hurts allows us to name, understand, and tend to original, yet often faulty and self-defeating, beliefs about interpersonal attachment and identity. It is inevitable that our unmet needs from childhood, which influence both our style of intimacy and our self-image/self-worth, will be played out in the crucible of our current intimate connections.”

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peter.
    October 23, 2016 at 9:15 am in reply to: Feeling lost #118746
    Peter
    Participant

    I cannot speak to your past relationship and why it didn’t progress as you hoped and dreamed.

    I feel that there is a time to work out what happened in past relationships however there is a danger if the focus gets stuck on who did what to who and maybe if only I did this or didn’t do that.

    This type of focus tends to keep us stuck in the past of pain, blame, negative self talk and hurt.

    I do not mean to downplay the hurt and betrayal you have experienced, however if I’m reading your story correctly the marriage relationship is over and so what matters now is you and who you are and who you hope to become.

    When the time is right and perhaps some distance created so that you might better be able to see an honest evaluation of your past experiences and how they impacted you will help you move forward… just be careful of getting suck replaying the past.

    When the Past Is Present; Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships – David Richo

    A touching fact about us is that we seem hard-wired to replay the past, especially when it includes emotional pain or disappointment. We tend to go through life simply casting new people in the roles of key people, such as our parents or past partners with whom there is still unfinished business. This phenomenon, called transference, is unconscious. What we transfer are feelings, needs, expectations, defenses, fantasies, beliefs, and attitudes. Transference can be our way of telling the untold story inside us. We can learn to notice clues about how our past is still very much alive in our present relationships. In this book, we also find practices to help us clear up our old business and form healthy relationships that no longer have to replicate the past. Then authentic intimacy can bloom.

    October 22, 2016 at 10:34 am in reply to: Gaining a new perspective. #118704
    Peter
    Participant

    We hurt so we can learn to do things differently to change to improve. Everything can’t all be good.

    Unconditional love says yes to the reality it is all good even the bad. That is not a paradox

    It is through the confrontation of the experience of the problem of opposites, such as the concept good and bad, that creates consciousness and so the possibility of awaking. In such a perspective all that we experience is and originates from Love.

    When observed from different planes of experience judgments and labels such as good and bad are temporal and illusion. If one accepts/allows that Life is and of itself is Good then all experiences can be a experience of Unconditional Love.

    It is unfortunate that for many to live and stand up for there truths they generate the energy to do so from hate, rage, and ugliness. As you say emotions of anger, fear, even hate serve a purpose. I believe that purpose is to awaken us that something is not as our truths indicate they should be and that we must act however that does not mean that such action be ugly, anger, rage… But this failure to part of the whole and so Love

    October 22, 2016 at 10:03 am in reply to: Gaining a new perspective. #118701
    Peter
    Participant

    I think we need to be careful when we talk about unconditional love as based on my observation many people interpret that as unconditional allowing.

    In such a understanding unconditional love can become a hell of a condition to place on love.

    For me I unconditional love means saying yes to the person as they while living my fate/truth as they must live theirs, respecting and when required defending boundaries theirs and mine. That doing so is an act of unconditional love even when the other does not experience it as love.

    Very much recommend The Art of Forgiving by Lewis B. Smedes

    October 21, 2016 at 12:51 pm in reply to: Can you feel someone else's pain? #118648
    Peter
    Participant

    In Quantum physics you have the theory of entanglement which predicts that two or more particles can become “entangled” so that even after they are separated in space, when an action is performed on one particle, the other particle responds immediately.

    The hermetic principle of vibration also suggest a link to empathy, how we are influenced and how we influence. For example the experience of being at an event like a concert when everyone feels as if they are in sync… In hermetic principle every effect must have a cause however a cause may exist through change in vibration/plane of experience which we may experience as a moment Synchronicity.

    Synchronicity – experiences to which a cause cannot be identified – “meaningful coincidence”, and “acausal parallelism.” Events may be connected by causality, they may also be connected by meaning. Events connected by meaning need not have an explanation in terms of causality.

    Synchronicity may be the only way in which we are able to exercise free will the paradox being that doing so requires the art of doing by not doing as any intention of control would invoke filters and filters are always influenced by external wills.

    It is also important to remember that we are only able to experience the world consciously through the sense of ‘I and me’ which is greatly influenced by the memory of our experiences. We might call these the filters look through as we experience the present. Thus the present moment is seldom seen clearly and so contains elements of illusion.

    In Science they might relate this to this the law of uncertainty and the observer effect. The filters through which we observe something changes what we see and experience.

    Likewise the experience of empathy will be influenced and changed though the filters, memories, experiences of the observer.

    My opinion is that it is possible to know what someone else is experiencing and feeling however it would take a great deal of discernment and self-awareness to separate the observer from the observed and avoid wishful thinking

    A person could spend life time’s dismantling and removing the filters through which consciousness experiences life through.

    October 21, 2016 at 12:03 pm in reply to: Still I hope … How I do get over this and move on. #118646
    Peter
    Participant

    As a guy I can tell you that when a guy does the on again off again relationship such as you describe it usually comes from a place of insecurity. This type of relationship can be about power and maintain a safe backup in case he finds something better. Such people might also struggle with valuing what they have, preferring the chase to the having.

    One of the purposes of relationships is to heal the past and so both parties create and play out scenarios that there authentic self is attempting to come to terms with and heal. This is almost always subconscious and too often create the codependent relationship. Such scenarios will continue until they are solved.

    Statistically the on again off again relationship do not mature. My own rule of thumb is three cycles and its over. And over means no contact. You may not like hearing this but ending a relationship with no contact may just be required for the healing of the past the authentic self was trying to solve.

    With regards to Hope, Hope is a skill to often practiced badly that when passive, keeps the hopeful stuck.

    There are times when hope can be dangerous as in holding onto the idea that an expired relationship may yet again find footing and there are times when hope is essential such as when it keeps us from drowning in despair.

    “To hope means to be ready at every moment for that which is not yet born, and yet not become desperate if there is no birth in our lifetime. Erich Fromm

    Doing Active Hope – Joanna Macy and Chris Johnstone
    The word hope has two different meanings. The first involves hopefulness, believing our preferred outcome is reasonably likely to happen. If we require this kind of hope before we commit ourselves to an action, our response gets blocked in areas where we don’t rate our chances too high.

    The second meaning is about desire. It is this kind of hope that starts our journey — knowing what we hope for and what we’d like, or love, to take place. It is what we do with this hope that really makes the difference. Passive hope is about waiting for external agencies to bring about what we desire. Active Hope is about becoming active participants in bringing about what we hope for.

    Active Hope is a practice. Like tai chi or gardening, it is something we do rather than have. It is a process we can apply to any situation, and it involves three key steps. First, we take in a clear view of reality; second, we identify what we hope for in terms of the direction we’d like things to move in or the values we’d like to see expressed; and third, we take steps to move ourselves or our situation in that direction.

    Since Active Hope doesn’t require our optimism, we can apply it even in areas where we feel hopeless. The guiding impetus is intention; we choose what we aim to bring about, act for, or express. Rather than weighing our chances and proceeding only when we feel hopeful, we focus on our intention and let it be our guide.

    October 21, 2016 at 7:23 am in reply to: Am I the abuser :/ #118609
    Peter
    Participant

    Relationship is a crucible where we discover who we are. – We are wounded in relationship and we heal through relationship…

    We are hurt by those closest to us because they are closest to us. I cannot comment of the hurt you have experienced from your partner and it is no my intention to discount that experience of hurt.

    When I read your post, between the lines, I heard a longing for authentic relationship with another and so it is my intention that the following quotes might help you use this experience as a doorway to becoming.

    “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― C.G. Jung

    “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung

    “The foundation of adult trust is not “You will never hurt me.” It is “I trust myself with whatever you do.” ― David Richo

    “When we feel unsafe with someone and still stay with him, we damage our ability to discern trustworthiness in those we will meet in the future.”
    ― David Richo

    You may find the following article helpful

    http://www.elizabethstrazar.com/site/Suggested_Reading_&_Articles_files/StagesofRelationship.pdf

    “The perfect partner is often the one who triggers off our core emotional wounds so that we can revisit and mend our past injuries. The reopening of our old hurts allows us to name, understand, and tend to original, yet often faulty and self-defeating, beliefs about interpersonal attachment and identity. It is inevitable that our unmet needs from childhood, which influence both our style of intimacy and our self-image/self-worth, will be played out in the crucible of our current intimate connections.”

    Understanding the stages of a relationship helps us to map the territory and gain more insight into how to utilize intimate connections as a pathway toward personal healing. In essence, how to choose the healing salve more often than not – Elizabeth Strazar

    Very much recommend David Richo book, How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

    “As long as you hold onto wanting something from the outside, you will be dissatisfied because there is a part of you that you are still not totally owning. . . . How can you be complete and fulfilled if you believe that you cannot own this part [of yourself ] until somebody else does something? . . . If it is conditional, it is not totally yours. —A. H. ALMAAS” David Richo

    “Most people think of love as a feeling but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.” David Richo

    “The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimizations rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.” David Richo

    “We can actually reconstruct our past by examining what we think, say, feel, expect, believe, and do in an intimate relationship now.” David Richo

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peter.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peter.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peter.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peter.
    October 20, 2016 at 10:28 am in reply to: No Questions – Just Pondering #118552
    Peter
    Participant

    A dance instructor I had once talked about learning how to accept that were you were, which foot or position you were currently in, was the correct position from which to move from.

    Obvious right. I mean it’s not like you can magically shift weight onto the other foot without shifting your weight to the other foot. The only place you can move from is from the position you are in and so that position must be the correct place to be in for whatever comes next.

    Yet how many of us get stuck by the thinking that where we are is not the right place to move from. (Even as we move)

    You might argue this is a matter of semantics and or form of positive thinking but I don’t think it is.

    By accepting the reality that you can only move from where you are and so where you are is the best place from which to move creates space to move more freely.

    I know this realization does not help in answering the question of what the next move should be and look like. However when I accepted this truth in my dancing whatever did come next tended to be more graceful. Without the tension I was creating about being in the wrong position the next position flowed as part of the dance and music I chose to dance to.

    Have you thought of getting back into one of your creative activates as a form of alchemy/Zen practice?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peter.
    October 19, 2016 at 10:50 am in reply to: Love thy neighbour #118499
    Peter
    Participant

    Sorry if the above is confusing. It’s something I’m still trying to work out and the limitation of language tends to get in the way of how I experience love intuitively.

    I do have a last question.

    What if ‘Loving others as ourselves’ isn’t only a command but the reality of how we love?

    That how we love others IS how we love ourselves and that for the most part we don’t really know how to love ourselves very well?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Peter.
    October 19, 2016 at 10:34 am in reply to: Love thy neighbour #118497
    Peter
    Participant

    Love one another as you love yourself. Do you follow this rule in your daily life?

    Before I think that question can be answered I think we must understand what it means to love oneself.

    What is this thing we call Love and If we were to love ourselves unconditionally what would it look like?

    For many unconditional love is an unconscious expectation or requirement of unconditional allowing.
    We are told love means we must turn the other cheek and that that means someone can be and do what they will and that forgiveness means saying what happened was ok. That is not love and not if we look how we love ourselves.

    The expectation or demand that love be unconditional in this way is one heck of a condition!

    What then is unconditional love?

    When we meditate on the nature and experience of love it appears to operate on multiple planes. As conscious Beings we want who we are and so what we do to matter, to make a difference, to impact and be valued, especially in or interactions with those we care about. We seek meaning, purpose in our experience and expression of love.

    We love ourselves unconditionally when we allow ourselves the experience of meaning and purpose in who we are and what we do which requires ‘getting to be’ held accountable for who we are and what we do.

    When we don’t hold ourselves or others accountable we do not love them for such a thing would mean that who they are and what they do has no value.

    For meaning and purpose to be experienced the qualities of accountability and responsibility must also be qualities of love. Love means we get to be held accountable and responsible for who we are and what we do. Thinking, feeling, doing, being

    So it seems to me that we love ourselves when we hold ourselves accountable, in grace, for who we are and what we do. To love others as ourselves we love unconditionally and say YES to life as it is.

    Loving others as ourselves is not a compromise nor does it require that we or the other be perfect.
    Loving others as ourselves does not mean we make ourselves vulnerable. Acts of ‘turning the other cheek” are actually quite aggressive as it forces the person to see themselves as they are. Turning the other cheek can be acts of love or hate.

    Loving ourselves means we live our truths in grace so that when we learn better we might do better. Holding ourselves accountable not out of anger or sense of justice but because that is how we learn who we are and experience meaning and purpose.

    When we love others as ourselves we say YES to who we and they are.
    We accept getting to be unconditionally accountable, for the good we and they do and what we might experience as bad. Not from a place of anger, hate, justice but Love.

    Too often we create labels of our experience to justify and empower what we do to others and how we treat them. We call it justice or self-protection. We use hate and anger to hold others accountable, (and sometimes ourselves) but we can do not need to hate to empower our actions and being we can love.

    This is not a Hate the sin love the sinner philosophy. When we say Yes to life as it is we say yes that we will missing the mark in our becoming (sin). This is not a passive allowing and accepting. We must live our truths. Saying Yes we must stand up and say no to what our truths require us to say no to, just as we must allow others to live there truths, coming from a place of love.

    The emotion of anger might point to a confrontation with our experiences of our truths and others however we don’t need to empower the action we might take from a place of anger.

    We say yes to life as it is by living our truths as authentically as we know them while being open to learning better. We will get it wrong just as the other we love will get it wrong yet in grace we create the space were everyone involved might become more conscious and awaken to who we are.

    October 19, 2016 at 8:44 am in reply to: My truth #118493
    Peter
    Participant

    Decided to begin writing about the facts of my past

    That is a good place to start. But remember that facts while they may influence are not Truth that is you. You are more the sum of your experiences.

    I don’t know what it is that I’m truly looking for

    The quests of quests for which there is no easy answer….

    Looking for something that you don’t yet know you’re looking for… how will you know when you find it?
    I believe there is an art to looking and that is has something that involves the Zen art of doing by not doing. Or in this case looking by not looking.

    It sounds like a paradox but it isn’t. Science shows us that the observer changes what he sees so never truly sees what he looks at as it is. That will always be the case however the seeker can learn to look by not looking, without expectations, which is more often than not an attempt to control what is been seen.

    Have your read the book ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho A heroes journey of discovering ones Truth/Purpose.

    We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. T. S. Eliot

    Best wishes on your exploration

    October 18, 2016 at 8:35 am in reply to: My truth #118423
    Peter
    Participant

    May I ask what you mean when you use the word ‘Truth’

    My experience has been that finding ones Truth is a life long journey.

    I am convinced that we live the stories that we tell ourselves but that such stories are seldom the whole truth of who we are… we are more then the sum of our parts, the roles we play, the stories we tell…

    This may be a time for you to reflect on your stories. How have they shaped you and the filters through which you experience new experiences? How much of these stories are true, how much of the stories you tell have been influenced by the trickery that is memory.

    We tend to assume that we know all the details of every moment we experienced but consciousness is extremity limited as it must fitter out most of details so that we can function but that also means the memory’s created of the experience are always incomplete and some might call illusions.

    I found the book ‘Crucial Conversations’ helpful in helping me discover and take owner ship of the stories I was telling myself. And then how those stories were influencing my experiences.

    I know you might be asking how would leaning how to communicate with others help you with your stories. Well the person you talk to the most is yourself. At least I do.

    First step in good self-communication – Master My Stories (an out take from ‘Crucial Conversations’)

    When it matters most and our emotions kick in, we often do our worst – even if we try to convince ourselves that we’re doing the right thing.

    Learn to create emotions that influence you to want to return to healthy dialogue.

    Others don’t make you mad, you make you mad. You see and hear something, and then you tell yourself a story. That story triggers your feelings. Then you either act on those feelings or have them act on you.

    Manage your emotions by retracing your path. Return to the source of your feelings. Separate facts from feelings. You can see and hear facts. Stories, on the other hand, are judgments and conclusions that trigger your movement to silence or violence.

    And watch for three clever stories:

    The Victim Story that makes you out to be the innocent sufferer. Ask yourself, “Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?”
    The Villain Story that emphasizes others’ negative qualities. Ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?”
    The Helpless Story that convinces you that you have no options for taking healthy action. Ask yourself, “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”

    October 18, 2016 at 8:11 am in reply to: My Wife doesn't love me….help please! #118420
    Peter
    Participant

    Change happens slowly then all at once. Meaning that we aren’t usually conscious of all the small little causes behind the effect that we notice.

    Come across the following “Past, present, future, all co-existing, in different dimensions, with different rates of vibration. No that that has anything to do with your situation.

    Anyway I think or feel that our experience of love occurs on different planes of dimensions, each with a different “vibration”….

    When I hear someone in a relationship uses the words “I don’t love you anymore” I’m never sure what they mean. I suspect if you ask your wife what she means she might not be able to tell you.

    My observation has been that even for two people who really love each other, and all the “vibrating” planes, mentally, spiritually, physically (life’s demands, taking out the garbage, shelter, security…) LOVE sometimes require that the relationship end. The Calling to Become requiring separation in order to be realized.

    We can’t usually articulate that calling and so use the words “I don’t love”

    Likewise when love in the relationship becomes one dimensional, perhaps physical life demands of taking out the garbage, providing a home, security, paying the bills we lose ourselves. In such a case the statement “I don’t love you anymore” is really the statement “I don’t see myself anymore”.

    That probably not helpful… what am I saying…
    I think before you separate both of you need to take ownership of what it means when you use the word love, your relationship to the word love.

    Sadly sometimes painful separation is required in order for us to Become and become more conscious of our relationship to relationship and love.

    Sorry.

    October 17, 2016 at 7:04 am in reply to: I would like help to find the words to say… #118352
    Peter
    Participant

    For some reason this is a very common experience in relationship break ups
    The person that initiates the break up attempts to keep the light on just in case, a subconscious back up plan.

    To avoid the cycle relationship and create enough space for you to move on. You must be firm and Tell him to no longer contact you. No other words are required

    If you soften your request in anyway with explanations and or justifications you open the door for continued communication.

    If you intention is to break off contact you can’t leave openings of any kind as anything you say other than for him to stop contacting you is a opening

    October 16, 2016 at 10:21 am in reply to: So, has the world gone mad? #118312
    Peter
    Participant

    It is true such madness is not new but I think we are intuitively experiencing that something different is happening.

    I think we are witnessing a paradigm shift due in personal communication styles and privacy expectations that we don’t yet understand or are conscious of.

    Social technology allows us to share everything about ourselves while the 24 hour news/entertainment outlets allow nearly real time witnessing happenings around the globe. At the same time information that we might think is private isn’t and were not yet sure if we should care.

    Anything you say can and will be used against you.

    With regards to the 24 news/entertainment outlets and that includes the internet is the ability to discern news from editorial and entertainment.

    Add to this the change in how we view privacy. No one is outraged that people hacking others people information and many people will freely share everything about themselves.

    It is a paradigm change and we haven’t become fully conscious of how easily we can be manipulated once people gather this information about who we are and what that might mean.

    We like to think we are unique, and we are, but we are also very much the same especially when it comes to communication. Just look at how accurate auto correct can be. With just a few words what we are going to say can be pretty accurattly predicted.

    There appears to be two reactions to this. If privacy doesn’t matter what we say no longer matters or disconnect from communication into isolation.

    Maybe it’s like the experiment were the dog is locked in the cage and shocked so that they move to one side of the cage to the other. Eventfully stopping all movement and just accepting the shocks. Even when the door to the cage opens the dog continues to just lie there.

    I don’t know but something is changing and this madness we may be intuiting is coming from a place of uncertainty. I don’t think we are fully conscious of how technology is changing us.

    World War One is a good example of the leaders not understanding the new weapon technology. Lets hope we don’t repeat the same mistakes.

    I’m pretty sure we will

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