No Questions – Just Pondering

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    I struggle because I feel like my life has taken this drastic pivot away from who I was supposed to be. I have deep fears that I’ve gone so far down the ‘wrong’ road, that there is no turning back. I have always loved to sing, I took acting classes for a brief period when I was younger and really excelled, I like to move and dance, I do have some artistic creativity running through my veins – yet, I feel like I’ve let myself be morphed into this corporate office, laptop tapping robot who is consumed by the fear of failure, the fear of letting go of stability, the fear of getting lost. I have spent the past 6 years travelling down this path – from university to the corporate HR role I am in today – and I am terrified that I have wasted too much time and will not find the career path/life path that aligns with my soul (this defeatist voice inside my head won’t stop telling me that I missed the golden years of shaping who I’m meant to be). I say career path/life path because to me they are one in the same. Many people would disagree. I simply cannot. If I am going to dedicate 80% of my life to something, I need to find some passion in it.

    Okay, okay. Deep down I know I am not doomed to lead this life that brings me such dissatisfaction. I’m 25. And even if I wasn’t 25 – there is always time to make change. This is your life, no one else’s. Do not live according to other’s expectations and standards. Uh oh, this is taking me down a different tangent entirely.

    I know that I can make change. I’m just having a hard time determining HOW and WHAT. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, i.e. I feel like I am good at zilch, which makes determining the next move pretty difficult. Am I starting from scratch? Do I pursue something based on what I’m already good at, what I could be good at, what I simply think I’ll like?
    Can I shake this damn pre-determined timeline that I have constructed?
    To be determined.

    Helene Furst

    Hi. I know how you feel. I’m quite a bit older, but not too much wiser. It took me a Master’s degree in education and several years of realizing that I am NOT a teacher, although the kids and parents and administrators loved me. I too have a creative streak. At 25 I was working in the theatre, best job I ever had. I also love to write, sadly, until this June, I had not published anything at all since I was 25. I let life and others guide me and my path.
    Chin up. Your current job supports you and you can carve out a small niche for yourself to release your creative tendencies. Maybe go back to school for the arts at night. It won’t be easy. Trust me. I am 48. I just launched my positive psychology blog in April, and I am in school learning to be a life coach. Hopefully I will be certified by the end of November. I am submitting a bunch of my original prose, poems and short fiction all over the place, trying to get my name out there. I’m not only reading again, but reviewing other author’s books on my blog and elsewhere. Before I expire and retire from this earth, I plan to publish an anthology of my poems.
    You must learn to face your fears, and go with your gut instinct. Being stuck is never a good place to be, nor is the feeling that we are doing a job in order to survive. There is a difference between surviving and living. You have some hard choices ahead. Believe in yourself, be mindful, and the truth will come.


    Dear headupheartopen:

    “No questions just pondering” – I will put in a bit of my pondering on the topic of passion and bill-paying-occupation; being ALIVE vs keeping oneself alive:

    Better be alive, interested, curious, motivated, learning; better quality than quantity. Better experience life than keep oneself alive (survive). Unless there is passion in mere survival.



    A dance instructor I had once talked about learning how to accept that were you were, which foot or position you were currently in, was the correct position from which to move from.

    Obvious right. I mean it’s not like you can magically shift weight onto the other foot without shifting your weight to the other foot. The only place you can move from is from the position you are in and so that position must be the correct place to be in for whatever comes next.

    Yet how many of us get stuck by the thinking that where we are is not the right place to move from. (Even as we move)

    You might argue this is a matter of semantics and or form of positive thinking but I don’t think it is.

    By accepting the reality that you can only move from where you are and so where you are is the best place from which to move creates space to move more freely.

    I know this realization does not help in answering the question of what the next move should be and look like. However when I accepted this truth in my dancing whatever did come next tended to be more graceful. Without the tension I was creating about being in the wrong position the next position flowed as part of the dance and music I chose to dance to.

    Have you thought of getting back into one of your creative activates as a form of alchemy/Zen practice?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Peter.
    Peter Reece

    Hi Headupheartopen

    Wow! I just love that analogy from Peter about where you are is the correct place to move from. It applies to us all so will apply to you too!

    You talk much about fear. I would encourage you to read Susan Jeffers’s classic book, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway”. I’m sure it will help. She refers to some truths about fear, which I’m partly paraphrasing:

    1. Fear will never go away as long as I grow
    2. The only way of getting rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it
    3. Everyone feels fear (but some just push through it)
    4. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the fear

    Take risks


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