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River

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  • in reply to: Hurt by my friend, not sure what to do #354124
    River
    Participant

    So I wanted to follow up on recent events.  I told my friend I wanted to talk to them.  I spent a long time getting to know about their recent life events and a natural opportunity to talk about the issues surrounding this topic post came up.  I was able to share with them my own perspective on all of the events in recent times and they shared some of their own as well.  Overall it went very well they understood where I was coming from and they were very understanding of how things were for me.  They were able to show me that they understood beyond the words of “I understand” and it was a great conversation.  What the future holds, I do not know, however simply being able to share my thoughts and feelings on the subject at hand, as expected went over well, but was also very therapeutic.

    Thank you to everyone, your support is wonderful ~River

    in reply to: Hurt by my friend, not sure what to do #353642
    River
    Participant

    Thank you kindly

    River

    in reply to: Hurt by my friend, not sure what to do #353550
    River
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks again for your response.

    Yeah, I guess it is common place for people to just leave without saying anything and yes that hurts.  I laughed out loud when I read your recommendation lol great suggestion.

    I will try to take a break from my friend and allow myself to settle, I feel very hurt right now, and then go from there.

    Thank you very much, River

    in reply to: Hurt by my friend, not sure what to do #353534
    River
    Participant

    Dear DharmaSeed,

    Thank you for your response.

    I take what you say honestly to the heart.  I feel like I’ve spent so much time with my friend that I’ve lost some balance in my life otherwise.

    I have already begun the process of reaching out to other friends and have enjoyed spending time with them.

    P.S. One thing I am struggling with at the present moment, is letting go of the feelings of being hurt throughout this process.  I go through periods of feeling fine, realizing things for what they are, then I will be reminded of something and it will trigger a series of emotions, it’s quite frustrating.

    River

    in reply to: Hurt by my friend, not sure what to do #353532
    River
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your response.

    To answer your questions:

    1) online/phone but not in person

    2) the friendship has been going on for about 5 months now

    3) they are not romantically involved and there were no romantic interactions between us

    River

    in reply to: Am I toxic or actually setting healthy boundaries? #352118
    River
    Participant

    Hello Aizhana,

    I had some comments that I wanted to share with you regarding your situation:

    • It sounds like you are both under a lot of stress, this is reasonable and even some what expected at a time such as this
    • You’ve said  “He’s very loving and supportive of me” – when you get frustrated try the best you can to keep in mind the positives, it will make the more challenging times easier to handle
    • You’ve said “He says he understands but that this means that he can’t trust me with these emotions and that I make him feel guilty for just wanting to whine” – there’s a few things I want to comment on here:
      • you use the word “whine” here this indicates to me that this is a very challenging situation for you; and it sounds like he is picking up on this
      • allowing yourself the space and time you need in order to understand he like us all is human and in deep pain will allow him to perceive less tension and therefore will give a better opportunity from him to trust you more, which in effect will allow you to have a better chance to achieve your goal of helping him [Big note: he must be the one to want to help himself, but having others around him who support them can make that catalyst for change]
    • When you tried to help him and it didn’t work out this frustrated you
    • When you got frustrated you decided to take a break and said “okay fine”
    • This can appear passive-aggressive to many, even though that was not your true intention
    • In situations like this, being up-front and honest through grounded communication can be very helpful
    • Giving him the love and compassion to support him and the space to let the air/dirt settle after a frustration occurs can be tremendously valuable to all parties involved
    • This can be done simply by yourself recognizing that you tried the best you could to help him and it didn’t work out the way you wanted and at this point taking a deep breath telling them that you love them and share with them that this situation is overwhelming you, that you need to take a break for yourself to come back to normal, and that you will reach out to them when you feel more grounded – communication is key
    • One other comment on the matter, the way we approach and handle a situation (our state of mind and how we express ourselves) can have a profound impact on the outcome of certain events; though we should not be attached to a certain given outcome
    • You’ve said “Is this wrong? Is this denying basic love and support to him? Is putting my mental needs first selfish? I feel like I need this boundary for my own good but I also feel guilty about it…”
      • If by “this” you mean needing your own space, no we all need our own space to allow the dust to settle
      • No you’re not selfish for taking needed time for yourself; to a certain extent we must all be selfish to a degree, put ourselves first for taking care of ourselves, this is required in order for us to help others; we cannot help others in the best possible way unless we are prepared and grounded
    • You sound like a wonderful person, who tries to help people in need; this is very admirable

    I also agree with all of the other comments on this situation.  This truly is such a wonderful community.

    ~ With Love, River

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by River.
    in reply to: Looking for guidance on how to deal with a lying friend #185989
    River
    Participant

    Thank you so much anita!

    You’ve given me such a good answer and in a way I can easily understand.

    I will do the best I can to let this sink in.

    Thanks again so much!

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