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Hurt by my friend, not sure what to do

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  • #353480
    River
    Participant

    Hello,

    I have this friend of mine, we used to talk constantly (both sides would instigate), conversations were deep and meaningful; we could talk about anything without any fear of being misunderstood.  We used to spend a very large amount of time together every day for months on end.  There were times we had disagreements but they were addressed and mutually resolved in ways I’ve never had before (actual closure and resolution).

    Then almost overnight they stopped talking to me, stopped texting calling and inviting me to do things.  I noticed they were spending a lot, and I mean a lot, of time with another mutual friend of ours.  I went over a whole week not really even hearing from them at all.

    At this point, the few times I’ve been invited to participate, I’ve been ignored (aka. invited to do something only to have them only be in a one on one call with the third person we were out with).  Any time I said anything, I got no response unless I repeated it more than three times.

    Since then, I’ve been made to be a third wheel, just mostly listening to them flirt and banter about personal things in a public space.  I’ve even been outright left by my friend for them to go call the mutual friend while we were in the middle of doing things together.

    Overall I don’t believe they’ve done anything intentionally to hurt me, however being ignored and left (many times) for this other person has left me feeling hurt abandoned and overall ignored.

    The few times they’ve messaged me recently they’ve said they miss me but can’t “leave” this mutual friend.  They no longer make any time for me, nor do they call me.  They have made passing invitations of “if you want to do something let me know” but it always has to be something that my friend and our mutual friend can do together.  It’s gotten to the point where they are inseparable.

    I’ve told them that I miss talking with them, and they’ve said they miss me and want to talk to me, however nothing has really changed.  I’m unsure how to interpret all of these recent behavior changes.  After thinking about the recent past events there was really nothing I could see that would have caused this rift.

    I’m getting to the point where I do not want to spend time with my friend because they are always with the mutual friend and this creates a third wheel situation.  I’ve thought about telling them how I feel, as that would normally not be an issue, however I’m not sure how to approach the situation as often people get defensive in situations like this, as they feel they’ve done nothing wrong.

    Recently they’ve sent a few passing messages and we’ve had some chit-chat but nothing substantial.

    I don’t know what to do.

    Thanks, River

    #353512
    anita
    Participant

    Dear River:

    There are a few things that I will need to understand if I am to give you any useful input:

    You wrote about your friend and you: “We used to spend a very large amount of time together every day for months on end”-

    1. Was it time spent online/ phone but not in person, or was it in person?

    2. What was/is the duration of this friendship?

    You wrote about your friend and the mutual friend: “I’ve been made to be a third wheel, just mostly listening to them flirt and banter about personal things  in a public space”

    3. Are the two romantically involved, and was there any romantic interactions between you and any of the two of them at any time?

    anita

    #353522
    DharmaSeed
    Participant

    You are a light that will always shine in any friendship, there are so many fascinating connections awaiting you in this world, your friendship is clearly valuable, get extremely busy with a hobby, volunteering and take some time out, see how things unfold, you need more distributed love in your life so that you are secure, nourished and buffered from life’s ups and downs, join groups that can eventually be your tribe like a community, then the context of this will fall into place automatically.

    #353532
    River
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your response.

    To answer your questions:

    1) online/phone but not in person

    2) the friendship has been going on for about 5 months now

    3) they are not romantically involved and there were no romantic interactions between us

    River

    #353534
    River
    Participant

    Dear DharmaSeed,

    Thank you for your response.

    I take what you say honestly to the heart.  I feel like I’ve spent so much time with my friend that I’ve lost some balance in my life otherwise.

    I have already begun the process of reaching out to other friends and have enjoyed spending time with them.

    P.S. One thing I am struggling with at the present moment, is letting go of the feelings of being hurt throughout this process.  I go through periods of feeling fine, realizing things for what they are, then I will be reminded of something and it will trigger a series of emotions, it’s quite frustrating.

    River

    #353540
    anita
    Participant

    Dear River:

    You are welcome. Your thread is about a five months long online communication with a person you never saw or met in person. It is common online for people to.. disappear. It is common even in-person (aka ghosting). Your online friend almost disappeared, preferring another online friend over you, for now. And it hurts. It hurts when it happens in person and online.

    My only suggestion is a quote of what you suggested to a member on another thread last month: “In situations like this, being up-front and honest through grounded communication can be very helpful.. communication is key”.

    anita

    #353550
    River
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks again for your response.

    Yeah, I guess it is common place for people to just leave without saying anything and yes that hurts.  I laughed out loud when I read your recommendation lol great suggestion.

    I will try to take a break from my friend and allow myself to settle, I feel very hurt right now, and then go from there.

    Thank you very much, River

    #353564
    anita
    Participant

    Dear River:

    You are welcome. I am sorry that you feel very hurt and hope you feel better soon!

    anita

    #353642
    River
    Participant

    Thank you kindly

    River

    #354124
    River
    Participant

    So I wanted to follow up on recent events.  I told my friend I wanted to talk to them.  I spent a long time getting to know about their recent life events and a natural opportunity to talk about the issues surrounding this topic post came up.  I was able to share with them my own perspective on all of the events in recent times and they shared some of their own as well.  Overall it went very well they understood where I was coming from and they were very understanding of how things were for me.  They were able to show me that they understood beyond the words of “I understand” and it was a great conversation.  What the future holds, I do not know, however simply being able to share my thoughts and feelings on the subject at hand, as expected went over well, but was also very therapeutic.

    Thank you to everyone, your support is wonderful ~River

    #354152
    anita
    Participant

    Dear River:

    Thank you for your update of recent events. Reads like an excellent conversation, with your friend. I hope it is a new beginning for more good conversations, where you feel “understood beyond the words of ‘I understand'”. But keep your expectations for more great conversations cautiously optimistic.

    anita

    #355442
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, River?

    anita

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