Dear Anita,

What a beautiful poem you wrote!!! That left me speechless. It resonates so much that I simply don’t know how to react to it 🙂 I don’t know what to say!

I feel encouraged to prioritise getting closer to the things I like. I want to be closer to cars – whatever that means. During these I feel very uncertain about every aspect of my life. I need something that’s mine – something that has always been mine.

Are there still many V8’s driving around over there?

Take care!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for this!!!
God dammit, I should’ve checked this more often 🙂 I’ve had very blurry days recently and It hasn’t been easy to stay focussed. Escapism is still here – in different forms but still present. These days I’ve been obsessing about getting the right sunglasses. I like sunglasses – I also need sunglasses ( I have very sensitive eyes so I have to minimize eye strain as much as I can ). I first decided the original Ray Ban Wayfarers 2140 are not the right thing anymore. They have been for over a decade, I’ve had multiple pairs but I’ve felt I want a change. Don’t we all. So I’ve got myself a pair of Persol shades instead. Fancy, high quality and hand made in Italy. Had them for about a week and sent them back. They didn’t feel right.. made me look weird and I’ve decided I won’t be changing anything. I’ve ordered a pair of Wayfarers again – but this time tortoise with brown lenses. I thought at least I can use a change from the usual black. I thought I can keep the frames which fit me perfectly and change the colour. Didn’t like them either so I didn’t take ’em. Ordered the third pair – this time I went for the usual black Wayfarer with polarised lenses. Had then for almost a week now and .. well.. I don’t like them that much. The quality has decreased and they don’t feel as premium as they used to. I’ve decided to keep them anyway since I do like Wayfarers a lot – maybe more than anyone should. Of course, now.. I’ve been considering getting a pair of Persols too… Because I really like their craft and the way they look. Persol 714 with havana frames and blue lenses. They are cool as f***!

The question is. Why is this necessary? This is not about the sunglasses is it..

I’ve spent almost one month looking for sunglasses – reading, searching, trying on, ordering, sending back. I felt as If if I don’t ”solve” this, I cannot move on. I’ve spent countless hours looking at reviews and overthinking wether I should get Ray Ban’s or Persols. I didn’t want Raybans because they have big logos and I’d like something high quality but quiet about it – no logos. That’s okay I guess.. wanting not so show off with your branded things but there’s something wrong here. Why spend all these weeks almost constantly thinking about the sunglasses when I could’ve done anything else? Is it the fact that I have more free time now at the end of the teaching season?
Now, I’ve found someone selling a pair of pre owned Persols.. and I’m considering maybe getting those too if they are in good condition. I sometimes tell myself – This is not necessary! Other times I tell myself – once I have the Persols too, I won’t get anything else. Part of me knows that owning both Wayfarers and Persols will not make me feel better. I would like to have both pairs, yes. They are both iconic and stylish and since I wear sunglasses almost every day.. I would make great use of quality eyewear. I just don’t quite know where the truth is in all this. Somewhere in the middle I’d usually say.. although this time I’m not sure 🙂

This has happened before.. after seeing Pierce Brosnan wearing Birkenstocks. F**** Birkenstocks! Can u imagine someone spending days thinking wether he should buy a pair of sandals? But I didn’t get Birkenstocks. I’ve tried a pair and felt like I’m walking on rocks.

I apologise for ranting about sunglasses. I know, most people don’t care that much about sunglasses and wether they are made by a machine in China or by the hands of someone from China who lives in Italy. But It’s been a little tough to be honest.

NOW. About your post. Emotional suppression? Rings a bell – big time. Very good words to describe my functioning – and not only mine. My parents have been always like that and I used to notice that. The thing is.. I didn’t know it was emotional suppression I was noticing. I was noticing the disconnection from others and the lack of connection between them. I often felt they acted stiff and uncomfortable around each other. Myself included – but that goes without saying. As someone who has inherited some of that, now, as an adult – I feel them. Of course, I might be somewhere else as a 32 years old today. My father was 35 when I was born and my mother was 29. Different times then in Romania – now things are slowly changing but people are still very stiff.
Indeed for a long time I’ve felt like I don’t quite know how to handle my emotions. I’ve always felt like I didn’t know what to do with them. what you wrote above describes me very well – it describes the way I interact both with strangers and within my relationships. And I’ve noticed my parents doing that too.. Recently more and more because I’ve been getting better at it in the last years living in melting pots amongst foreigners. Thank you for noticing my progress – I often don’t feel like there has been much progress but I know that’s not true. I’ve learned a couple of things.

These days I’m starting to ”accept” that maybe I’m depressed. My girlfriend thinks I might be. I guess you might agree with that. Maybe I’m in denial. I think maybe I’ll have to go to therapy. And don’t get me wrong… I have nothing against that. Its just that very often it felt like therapy in the traditional way doesn’t work for me. I’ve tried – its true it has been only one particular therapist I’ve seen about.. 8 to 10 times throughout the last 5…6 years. I’m starting to see that things don’t just get better if I sit around on a mat breathing like Wim Hoff and taking cold baths after. Lifting weights and punching the bag doesn’t fill in the gap between myself and the clarity of what it is that I feel. It does help though – and that’s great!

But I need more help. I just don’t know where to look.

I’ll be going to Romania for the summer months – I’m flying on the 24th this month. There isn’t much work here for me for the summer and I’d like to take care of the house while my parents go on their month long holiday. I also want to do some work around the house – panting the gate, fences, doors, window frames – work a little on my rally car. Yes.. I have a ’93 Peugeot rally car :)) – I promise I won’s start writing about cars. All this sounds okay.. I’ll be able to still work online and make some money and spend ways less over there. My girlfriend will be there for some weeks to so we get to spend some quality time together. But my mother hasn’t been fine recently.. She’s having both breathing and hearth problems she has to sleep wearing an oxygen mask – like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. Except she’s in bed sleeping. That’s what she said to me the other day and I guess its good she’s treating it with a little humour. However, it does hurt me. It really does. For years I’ve been feeling scared her situation will get worse.. and I see it does. Both of ’em are getting are slowly getting worse. She will have to lose weight and start eating better and I want to try to help her. I’ve found a horizontal bicycle for her and me and my dad will pick it up on our way back from the airport. I’m a certified personal trainer after all.. so I do know a thing or do about losing weight and eating well. I can try. I know this might not change a thing.. but I have to try.

Lately I felt I’ve been escaping a lot.. I haven’t really got stuck in front of the TV.. Often If I watch something its something I could learn from.. so its maybe a documentary. Or.. well.. what am I saying ? Lately I’ve been looking at sunglasses – but let’s not get back into that. I just don’t know what to do with all this. I don’t know how to feel all this. I’ve been feeling so lost and anxious, helpless, angry and defocussed in the last months and now there’s more coming my way knowing my mother isn’t well at all. All this made me shut my feelings completely and put me into a compulsive zombie mode cast away on the fashion industry island. I should I know a lot better than that.. but I guess all of us have to escape a little sometimes. I sometimes tell myself its okay. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke.. I don’t take any drugs and I don’t stuff myself with food. Of course its not ideal but I’m not willing to numb myself with alcohol or anything else so if I had to choose I guess I’ll go with the Persols. But maybe I can do better than that still.

These last days have been though no only because I keep realising I haven’t really achieved what I wanted to achieve when I moved back here in October last year. I’ve made some progress and I’ve made some financial progresses but I am still not completely independent. These days felt tough because on top of that there’s more now. Actually it almost didn’t feel at all because I’ve been distracted enough. And I don’t blame myself – not really. I understand why and I also understand why this needs to change. It will.

This might sound a little blurry – I’ve been here in the cafe sitting outside – gone through most of my energy for the day. I now feel exhausted and a little numb. I still need to do 3 more hours of work and a workout.

I’ll go now, get that workout done and get back to work. I really apreciate you creating this space for me to talk and be heard. Thank you!

Robi

Dear Anita,

Its been a little while again, but not that long this time 🙂 I’d like to write here more often but somehow I don’t find the time – funny how the more free time I have the less time I feel I actually have to do stuff.

At the café again, having my coffee – its almost 11 am here. It feels like I’ve recently been through a a couple days of heavy rain, a tornado, couple of earthquakes then fell from the 10 floor, hit every single branch of an oak tree and fell on my ass. Now, I’m drinking coffee, planning my gardening activities for later on today. That’s what I’ve been doing yesterday too.. for about 8 hours. Then in the evening I’ve watched the second Matrix.. these days I feel those films more and more relevant. Anyway! Feels quite good to do things in the garden, things around the house. It also helps me think. I guess there’s something really special about doing physical work, with no music playing in the background, no podcast, no one to talk about anything. However, I would often talk to myself.. very often out-loud.

I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I seem to fall in a void which sucks all my energy and leaves me with almost nothing to give to myself ( not to mention to others ). I feel so fed up with the way I’ve been living and the way I’ve been functioning and thinking. I’m sick of my old and current self. Sometimes it feels like they are both the same. Perhaps I am going a little nuts. The worst thing about it is that.. that doesn’t happen that often when I’m on my own. It often happens when my girlfriend is here with me. When I’m on my own I do some work ( if there’s any ), train, listen to podcast, music etc. I seem to find balance. Maybe when I’m on my own I find it easier to escape. Although I don’t drink / smoke / take any drugs / play computer games ( well a little bit of Gran Turismo just not to get too frustrated for not having a car here ), I do escape in different ways. Apart from the workouts and meditation / breath work sessions which could be also a form of escapism, I often listen to podcasts about self mastery / spiritual growth etc. Now… I know these are a lot healthier than alcohol and cigarettes and they have taught me a lot – no doubt about it. But there’s also something I’ve noticed. Listening to someone who is a few steps ahead of me, someone who maybe represents an example of some sort I seem to get the feeling of action – like I’m doing something about it. In some ways, I am. I am educating myself – but this often stops here. And I know that only listening and understanding things from a theoretical point of view will not take me where I want to go. It’ll take me to the airport but I’d quickly realise that I haven’t packed anything and I also have no plane ticket. So here I am in the airport realising I won’t be flying anywhere. This happens again and again. Not this time. Perhaps the next time will be the one.

But could next time be the one? Well.. Why? Again, the acting part doesn’t seem to come easy to me. I’ve been listening and preaching all around me but not practicing what I preach. I feel like a fool 🙁 And that’s exactly how I should feel right now. I’ve fooled myself, again.

Now, what was I saying? About the tornado.. My relationship doesn’t seem to benefit much from my current situation. Me and my girlfriend have been arguing quite a lot these last months. Although I think we need to so some work both independently and separately, I think we reached a point where we have to change something. Going on like this will almost surely lead to a breakup. Both of us are drained of our vital energy. We spend a few days apart, we recharge a little and argue once we spend some days together. After a few days of arguments we again take a little break so we can recharge. This is insane. Many weekends have been like this – saying sorry when saying goodbye, hoping next time will be better. Sometimes it is better – but often it isn’t. Yes.. so something needs to change. Definitely!

You’re probably asking yourself.. but why are u guys arguing? Well.. I think it’s mostly my frustration coming out. I feel frustrated with my situation, with the job(s) I don’t like, not having much of a community here, finding it hard to work / take up life’s challenges etc. We end up arguing, crying for a long time. Both of us end up so drained that we cannot function anymore. In those moments I feel like a zombie – I feel like I’m losing my mind. Perhaps that’s not far from the truth. It is my mind creating all this pain over and over, it is my mind bringing it up all the time so I don’t forget ” who I am ”. My old paradigm / old programs / old patterns are surfacing so often to remind me why I’m a prisoner of my own mind.
Well, there’s a lot of pain and frustration in me. You probably already see some similarities between my current situation and my upbringing. There’s a huge battle in me.

Should I go back to Romania? Should I go back to Spain? But Spain was so sunny and nice. Maybe If I go to Romania it would be easier for me.. maybe I can just take any job I can there, and somehow fit it and do whatever anyone else does. I feel like I’m a loser.. maybe I shouldn’t have ever left Romania… I’ve wasted all these years in Spain and Poland – reached 32 years old with no career, almost no job and I haven’t contributed to any retirement plan yet. What If my parents are right? What If I’ll end up having no pension, no job, having to sell all the stuff I’ll be inheriting in order to stay afloat? What If I buy a Ferrari instead? – they didn’t say that but I thought that would be funny :))
Maybe I should forget about finding my own way. Maybe I can’t do it. Maybe I’ll never reach my potential.. maybe there is no potential. Maybe I should give up.

But I’ve been through all this! I came this far. Am I really a loser? Yes I do find myself stuck.. not being able to find work that fulfils me. Or maybe I’m really blocked by my own fears and I can’t step out in oder to do work that challenges me. Maybe I have to do ”easy” stuff because I don’t find the energy in me to face criticism or pressure. I’m 32 years old and I find it hard to do a few hours a week at the language school. I find it easier to do the other online job I do – because it isn’t challenging at all. But I feel frustrated! I feel angry with myself! Of course I do.. As a young child I wanted to be a car designer – to design beautiful cars. I sang opera songs in front of my parents and their friends. I played the piano like no one else in our local music school. I used to create, use my imagination and sensitivity.

These days I cry a few times a week, numb myself with personal development prospects and take it out on my girlfriend. The other day I told her I regret coming to live in Poland. I told her that I regret leaving Spain twice in order for us to be together. I told her that I’ve sacrificed so much for this relationship and she hasn’t done almost anything. Well.. you can probably imagine how she felt hearing this. She feels guilty for the way I feel, she feels guilty for me being here, a country I don’t like. ( a country I don’t like whenever I feel like s*it ). She also feels guilty for not having more time to spend together, because she has to work. So often I feel like I’m here so we can be together but she’s a little too busy – so we don’t actually get to spend that much time together. ( something she feels guilty about ). But than again.. should she feel guilty about this? Well, the answer is probably NO.

Now.. There’s the frustration connected to my jobs, frustration for being stuck, for not having done better by the age of 32. On the other hand, there’s the pain and guilt for taking it all out on my girlfriend. Of course, she isn’t guilty of anything. Do I subconsciously want her to be? Why? Maybe it’s no one’s fault. Does it have to be someones fault?
Well, yes. If I stick to what I’ve learned.. than the answer has to always be yes. You see, my father always did that. Whenever something didn’t go his way, it was someone else’s fault. It’s the neighbour’s fault. It’s the government. Its women in positions of power – that’s why he feels frustrated. You get what I’m pointing at. The last one I don’t think is present in my personality – at least not on a conscious level.

The other day I found myself telling my girlfriend that Poland is a piece of sh*t country because it started raining.

I am not trying to say it’s my father’s fault. Far from it. But lately I have seen a lot of that ( of him ) in my behaviour patterns. So I cannot not think of it this way. Not if my behaviour resembles his so much. There’s also almost an addiction to drama / to pain / suffering / conflict? That’s more like my mother.
It’s like I need drama / pain / suffering / conflict to remind me who I am. And you know what? Maybe its partly true. Maybe I need all that. I often feel like I need all these emotionally charged arguments / situations so I can feel like myself. Perhaps It’s the familiar that I crave. Have I been surrounded by painful conversations / drama / constant complaining / frustration / violence throughout my childhood?

Well.. okay. Fine. So I don’t want to let go of what I know, even if what I know brings me pain and frustration. How does this work? Is this like the daddy issues kinda thing? Girl gets treated like s*it by father and later on in life dates older men / assholes / older men who also happen to be assholes? Is that it? God dammit. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of almost constantly dropping in an unconscious state of mind where I throw sh*t at everyone, feel guilty for it, cry ( reset ) and then go on with my life like nothing happened. Until the next time.

Well Anita, I keep saying I am stuck. And well.. that is CORRECTAMUNDO!!! I am exactly what I keep saying I am. The above sentence could be used in a dictionary to describe being stuck. I don’t really know how to break this habit.. the habit of being myself. Of course, I’ve read half of the book with the same name. New York Best Seller! Maybe I’ve only read half because I’m afraid it would actually help me achieve just that – Breaking the habit of being myself.

I do feel better now. Of course I do. I ranted again for a while. But this doesn’t change much. I’d have to take action.. and that is still hard for me to do. It’s still hard not to get lost into my ( much healthier these days but still keeping me stuck ) forms of procrastination. I will not give up 🙂

Thanks for reading Anita,
I hope all is good over there. I see you now have a profile picture! Good to see you! I’ve always imagined you with shorter hair. No idea why 🙂

Take good care!
Robi

Dear Anita, thank you for your post 🙂 Damn it, its been a while again..

I’m good thank you, currently doing some work on my computer, at my fav café. These days going through quite intense transformational processes, haven’t had much energy for anything else than surviving – I’ve been in survival mode so to speak. ( perhaps for the past 32 years but these last months more than ever ). So all is good, working on getting out of surviving mode and arriving at a point where I could create instead of solely survive. Work is okay but not as good as I’d like it to be and my relationship has been going through intense processes too – I feel this is necessary for both of us in order to grow together.

I will write more these next days. How about you? How are you feeling this year? Anything bothering you these days? Or, anything you feel grateful for? 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita, Merry Christmas to you too!!! I hope you are having a good time over there 🙂
Mine wasn’t as good as before.. this time I’ve felt soo tired and overwhelmed that I ended up being pissed off almost the entire time. This end of the year got me very, very tired. I feel like I need to rest for a week!

How about yourself? How are u feeling these days?
Robi

Dear Anita,

Again I had to convince myself to write. I guess it isn’t an easy thing to do although I feel good while writing here. I guess I have to switch to a different mode in order to put myself under my own microscope so to speak. One week has passed since I last wrote, feels more like a month.

I’ve decided to tell that school that I won’t be doing the classes starting with the new year. However, I did leave my CV to other schools these last days. Since I can’t yet live off training people in the gym I guess I have to stick to my online job and some teaching. I’m hoping that at least I can make it more pleasant by sticking to my neighbourhood instead of traveling to the center every time I have a class. It doesn’t make much sense to travel for 45 minutes one way only to do a 90 minutes class and head back home after. I’d rather push my online job more… and not travel for that long – its a huge waste of energy.

I see what’s happening. I’m choosing to do something easy – as easy as possible I’d say. I’d rather do the online job which is a lot easier than teaching. It does pay less but then again… I don’t travel anywhere so that time can be spent working. That makes more or less the same as the teaching job. To do 1.5 hours of teaching I have to spend 3 hours in total. If I worked the online job for 3 hours I’d make as much as I’d make by teaching for 1.5h. It takes a lot less effort… although does get my eyes tired. The advantage? I can do it from my favourite Café – sitting right next to my poster advertising my fitness trainings. The Time is NOW! it says… catchy, right? I can also work from home or anywhere else, while listening to music, making it seem more interesting than it actually is. Its repetitive and mechanical, quite easy and boring.. but somehow I seem to prefer it. It’s more comfortable this way and I seem to want that. And also, I can do it whenever I want.. I can make my own schedule. I know already that works for me. The disadvantages? Well… its easy and boring – it feels almost like I cannot fuck up. I also often feel ashamed for taking the comfy way instead of doing something more challenging and hmm.. rewarding? But I find the fact I can work from a Cafe and listen to music, start whenever I want quite rewarding. It’s a tricky one. Teaching, on the other hand.. I don’t think has been really rewarding. Everyone else told me it would be. I know its supposed to help me grow, learn stuff about people and improve my social skills in between waves of feeling like an impostor because I’d have to explain the present perfect instead of having an ”easy” chat with my students about things I’m interested in. So what does that even mean?

I often feel I’d like an ”easy” life.. but highly rewarding. I don’t think it could work quite like that. And even if I did.. I would probably feel frustrated for not reaching my potential. I already do. I guess the comfy job, at least, doesn’t make me redline.

Where have I seen this? Where have I seen the easy life? Does the fact my parents have been overly taking care of my responsibilities for ways too long echo into my adulthood? Is it my father.. who always seemed eager to do as little as possible and relax as much as he can? I don’t know.

I keep running and I don’t seem to want to root myself anywhere. The moment I start growing any roots I want to leave. Why am I even here in Warsaw? What am I doing in this cold country? Why am I wasting my years living an unrooted life? Don’t I want to build anything? Don’t I want a family? These days I’ve been thinking more and more maybe I shouldn’t be here at all. Maybe I should break up with my girlfriend and of course…( you guessed it ),  start over. I find myself having to find reasons for being in this relationship and question if I actually love my partner. I thought that’s why I first moved from Spain to Poland the first time, and the second time this year. Sometimes all this is so confusing. Let me guess.. same philosophy applies here too? Easy job, easy life, easy relationship. I seem to want to live a life of no effort at all.

I often want to run away from all this. I’ve seen it in others too throughout the years. I understand it but I find it hard to make sense of. At times I feel like I’m exactly where I should be, right now and I am, one day at a time, making progress towards reaching a higher expression of myself. I truly believe that – but I often seem to forget all about it and act the opposite. Instead of being grateful I am ungrateful. Instead of treating myself with compassion I treat myself with very heavy criticism. I thought by having a well organised daily practice, I’ll be able to remove some of the fog and operate from this ”better” version of myself who is grateful and compassionate. The one who feels confident he can reach his higher potential.

Don’t get me wrong.. I do feel a lot better after doing my morning breath-work, meditation or yoga, after doing my workout or after listening to an inspiring podcast – but I still seem to fall back in the ”dark”. It’s almost like seeing where you’re going but experiencing some interruptions. Feels like a fog coming out straight out of the very path I’m walking on.

It’s all ups and downs. Ups are pretty high up… downs are quite low down. There is one thing that keeps popping in my mind. I want to change my mindset. I want to change the way I live my days. Maybe I need better routines, maybe I need better time management. There has to be a way to improve my well-being by making use of everything I’ve learned so far. At least I’d like to believe so. Maybe, again.. I’m not putting my eggs in the right basket. Maybe my efforts has to be channeled in a smarter way.

Take good care Anita,

I hope winter is nice there where you are 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

Sorry I haven’t said anything for such a long time. Thank you for checking up on me. I’m tempted to write ” I really appreciate it ”. But maybe if I did, I would’ve responded. ( ? ) I do feel like I do appreciate it though.. even if I didn’t take the responsibility to reply and let you know how I am. I feel ashamed of that to be honest. This makes me think of those situations when my friends call you but I can’t convince myself to pick up the phone. I hope you are doing well and good thing are happening around you. What an intense year this has been – for me and many of my friends. I’m sure for you it has also been very transformational.

We haven’t been flooded where we live but both Romania and Poland had been flooded. I was about to leave Romania when those happened. I went for that Fitness Trainer course in the end. It felt good to learn something new and learn something I’m actually interested in. Public School hasn’t been very inspiring. Right after completing the course I flew to Warsaw – wanting to start over ( again ) and apply for jobs ( again ), get my shit together ( again ). I mean, a big part of my life has been dedicated to getting my shit together. Again, I embarked on the same (but different) journey. I’ve done this quite a few times before and every single time my only hope was not to ”come back” right where I started from. I’ve managed to ”secure” a couple of work opportunities  in Warsaw before leaving my country so I won’t be walking around looking for work. One and a half months into my latest attempt to growing up / becoming adult, things don’t look too good. Unsurprisingly, I went for another teaching job. I can hear you say… why would you do that? That gives you headaches. My part online job didn’t offer as many hours as they initially promised, so I though I could combine 2 or 3 smaller jobs. I knocked on a few doors and got a few classes here and there. I now work for 2 language schools, a couple hours a week. I absolutely hate it. I hate going there, I hate being there. Often during my classes and after finishing I feel okay, I feel accomplished. Still, something in me hates teaching. I can talk for hours.. and I often do. I often talk to my students about workouts, diets, healthy routines, breath work etc. I seem to be enjoying explaining this kinda shit to people instead of grammar rules I don’t understand myself. ( you surely noticed that by now )

I’ve been complaining A LOT lately. I kept complaining about these teaching jobs and how much I hate teaching. I seem to forget it’s me who knocked on those doors. They opened and welcomed me – because I went there telling them how much I enjoy teaching and how experienced I am. Although some of it its true.. I lied. I am somewhat experienced and because I sound like a native speaker its fairly easy for me to get a teaching job. The enthusiasm I managed to switch on for the first meeting quickly vanishes as I start having more and more classes. Of course it does.. it wasn’t real in the first place. It’s a role’ve played for half an hour. No ”actor” would like to play the same role for too long. Especially one that doesn’t reflect their personality, mission, values etc. So for the last month and half I’ve been trying to convince people I’m a good teacher with good credentials and work ethics. It kinda worked but I quickly became burned out by the stress that comes with impersonating someone I’m not for an extended period of time.

Not so long ago I cracked. I felt like a nut falling off a tall tree. I’ve been holding on for what feels like a very long time. One day I go to my class, feeling stressed, all over the place, trying to keep it all together for the next 90 minutes. I’ve been doing it for a while so I knew I can handle it – even when I’m redlining on a daily basis. Right before the class starts the director of studies asks is she could join the class. She came in all smily and enthusiastic, full of energy –  like a bottle of Champagne offering to support me and give me some constructive feedback. I simply didn’t have the space for that. It’s one of those moments when you say to yourself.. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!!! So I’ve had a panic attach. I got all warm and tense, couldn’t concentrate so we stepped outside and told her I’m not feeling well and since she’s here, she should do the class herself. She didn’t want to do it but decided to leave me to it. I wouldn’t have done it in her presence. I did a ways less enthusiastic class than before, but I felt like I’ve been through fire. I didn’t really give a shit anymore though. You could have a baby cry next to me and I would’t be bothered by it.

Well as you can imagine, all that made me think. I’ve never reached this point before. Teaching no bueno for me. And maybe it shouldn’t be. I kept saying to myself that putting myself in these uncomfortable situations will translate into growth and maturity. Conquering my inner bitch – as Joe Rogan likes to putt it. Doing something that is difficult.. something that requires big effort. Apart from a source if income I’ve seen these English teaching opportunities as great growth opportunities although It all felt wrong. I already do very difficult things.. I jump into cold showers almost every morning, I swing kettlebells or lift very heavy shit nearly every day. Maybe I don’t need to impersonate an English Teacher in front of other people in order to grow. Maybe there are other ways to achieve that.

Since then I’ve experienced a time of feeling quite low and pensive but also felt like a wake-up call. I feel I’ve been through a mental breakdown but I also feel that is somewhat necessary for my shell to crack. A lot of crying happened, on my own or in the presence of my girlfriend my frustrations or discussing our relationship goals. It feels good to say things I’ve been bottling up for a long time. It’s liberating. I feel like a lot has to come out.. and that’s okay.

In the mean time I decided to advertise my Fitness Trainings and English Classes in a nearby Cafe. I come here often and people know me here. I like the community and I’d rather try to do things privately.. doing it my own way. I’ve also left my CV in a few Gyms – next days doing more of that. I gotta keep knocking, that’s for sure. However, the doors need to change. If I managed to be successful at getting jobs I didn’t actually want, maybe I would be equally successful at getting the ones I actually do want.

After this month and a half I often feel like I’ve already reached failure in my latest attempt to grow up and become adult. However, I don’t believe that to be true. Of course, I could’ve done better and more. I could’ve put more effort and I could’ve complained a lot less. I wish I reminded myself where I’m headed more often. Although I don’t have a very clear image of where I’m going, any blurry image would do – even if vague. Any unclear image of the place I’d like to reach would do me a hell of a lot better than conforming to the paradigm that has been proven to be unsuccessful for years. The thing is, I do know what I want – even if very often I think I don’t. Very often having so many options and variables makes any map look a little unclear but the essence is still visible ( as long as you trust in it ). It’s funny how it’s so much easier to set yourself for failure than anything else, even at the cost of pain. Of course both failure and succes come with some degree of pain. And there it is! The pain Joe Rogan talks about.. The pain and discomfort of achieving something you want, when not knowing how to / when you feel you cannot – swimming against the current dictated by your comfort zone and limiting beliefs. Maybe I wasn’t actually challenging myself the right way by taking those teaching jobs. Maybe trying to convince people I’m a good fitness trainer, a photographer or a DJ would bring better results. Guess what.. I would’t have to pretend at all. I am all those things a lot more than I am an English teacher. Although I still need to improve and learn – I know how to do those things. I enjoy doing them every single time but chose to prioritise pursuing jobs I wasn’t interested in at all. Talking about self-sabotage..

This is kind of an Aha! moment. I’ve read and heard this very thing many times but until it happened to me I didn’t really get it. I got it now. It goes in the journal next to other catchy phrases like that. However, I hope it doesn’t just sit there in the journal. I hope it stays with me and pats me on the shoulder the next time I try to convince someone I want to be an English teacher.

Again, what a year this has been! Take good care of yourself ( or yourselves if there’s more of you reading this 🙂 )

Thanks for reading!