fbpx
Menu

Robi1992

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 73 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #444286
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m at the café again – working, They are playing jazz music today. I’m wondering wether I should be moving outside on their terrace or stay in for the music. Its really sunny today, its really nice. On my left, there’s a nice poster on the wall. Its been there for months now. I was hoping to get some private clients for english courses and / or workouts. Sadly it didn’t bring any clients. I live in a ”posh” aria where most people are quite fit and speak english so maybe they can’t be bothered. Every day I see it, I’m reminded both that things didn’t work as I expected and that I tried – that I put my creativity and hearth in it, wanting to share my knowledge and energy with my community. On a bad day, I see it as failure – a reflection of my worth in some way.. a clear indication that I shouldn’t try to create my own path..and I guess, a couple of years ago I would’ve believed that. I would’ve taken it personally and I would’ve given up on my quest for finding my own way, my higher expression. I was just thinking now…

    Although it might seem I haven’t done that much these last years ( at least professionally ) – I’ve learned that it takes time to find your own way. It takes time to pave your own road and find the confidence to walk on it knowing where you’re headed. Maybe it would’ve been easier if took a more standard approach (?), anything really – perhaps the corporate world would’ve spared me the logistics and paved a smooth and safe road for me. As long as I followed instructions and didn’t rock the boat too much the road would stayed smooth and safe until I was old enough to retire and sip mojitos on the beach for as long as I have left. ( by then, most likely in my 90’s). But now.. would that really different form my upbringing? Is it really that different? I think I’ve conformed and suppressed my inner fire ways too much in the past to know that’s probably not my best best bet. Of course I’m not saying all corporate workers are inhibiting their development by working in the corporate world. What I’m saying is that I probably wouldn’t benefit much from that sort of structure, because that wouldn’t really make me grow – at least not in the way I feel I need to.

    Think about it. What I need, is to feel ( and have ) agency in my life – and for once be in control of my decisions and create, give from my hearth. I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath if u want.. and I’d rather use that to create instead of seeing it as weakness. I think in today’s society we discourage people to be sensitive, and I think I understand why – but I am not going to start ranting about society right now… 🙂 Perhaps I sound like a hippie or some new age spiritualist but you know what? It does feel right to me. I feel at home when I explore more esoteric sides of human nature and less the ones created by my ego. I love cars, clothes, watches and cool sunglasses – no one makes them better than the Italians. Although its hard to let go of these ”parts of me” I’ve started to see it all for what it is and I realise that even If I really wanted to.. I couldn’t do anything else than whatever my calling is – even if I don’t quite know right now precisely what that is. And that’s okay – I’ll get there. I am actually getting there.. right now, slowly, every day. Step by step. I see my shadow, the ego driven part of me dissolving and accepting the more sensitive parts – the same parts my coping mechanisms have been protecting from the world, from judgement. The charisma I’ve created in order to make sure I won’t be challenged by others, is slowly dissolving. The character I’ve created, often seemed confident, cool and arrogant – because I thought arrogant people don’t get hurt. I thought assholes where always in control.
    Perhaps I was right at that time. I was also very afraid and no wonder I was 🙂 I was too afraid to look inside so I looked elsewhere. I looked everywhere.
    Now, with my heightened sense of awareness and courage to look inside, with your help and with the help of other like minded people – I’m starting to build my own road. And this ain’t no boring highway in the middle of nowhere – this is a bumpy, twisty road connecting the young, insecure Robi to his older, confident – adult Robi. You know what they say… Twisty roads lead to beautiful destinations.

    As for the ego-based nicely dressed, fancy car loving Robi – Its okay.. I wouldn’t really mind tackling those twisty corners in a rosso corsa F355. But its also fine if I don’t 🙂

    I hope it’s getting warmer there Anita, and you’ll be able to enjoy some nature and sunlight. I remember you mentioned living somewhere closer to nature 🙂 I wish you a beautiful day! What are you grateful for today? Lately I’ve realised how grateful I am for where I am today. It helped me accept who I am every day.

    Yes, I think its time for me to move outside and get some sun 🙂
    Take good care of yourself!
    Robi

    #444144
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for your post 🙂 Damn it, its been a while again..

    I’m good thank you, currently doing some work on my computer, at my fav café. These days going through quite intense transformational processes, haven’t had much energy for anything else than surviving – I’ve been in survival mode so to speak. ( perhaps for the past 32 years but these last months more than ever ). So all is good, working on getting out of surviving mode and arriving at a point where I could create instead of solely survive. Work is okay but not as good as I’d like it to be and my relationship has been going through intense processes too – I feel this is necessary for both of us in order to grow together.

    I will write more these next days. How about you? How are you feeling this year? Anything bothering you these days? Or, anything you feel grateful for? 🙂

    Robi

    #441381
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Happy New Year! I hope you’ve had a great start of 2025 🙂

    Take good care!
    Robi

    #441026
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita, Merry Christmas to you too!!! I hope you are having a good time over there 🙂
    Mine wasn’t as good as before.. this time I’ve felt soo tired and overwhelmed that I ended up being pissed off almost the entire time. This end of the year got me very, very tired. I feel like I need to rest for a week!

    How about yourself? How are u feeling these days?
    Robi

    #440743
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you! I read it a few times yesterday and this morning. It makes a ton of sense to me 🙂 Thank you for putting all these piece together!

    I’m now in my favourite cafe, with my computer and my girlfriend. I’m doing some of that online job while my girlfriend is organising her schedule. Kool and the Gang – Cherish the Love is playing in the background. I’ve just realised that I very much prefer working like this. I feel good. I might feel comfortable.. but that, right now feels good. There are many things I am grateful for every day. I could be even more grateful for sure. But I’m working on it.

    What you said before resonates with me. It makes sense – both in my mind and heart. I’ve noticed for many, this end of the year has been very intense and purging. Many old habits and paradigms have been questioned in many ways. I am quite interested in astrology too, (not sure you are) and I’ve noticed a lot of the predictions really resonate with the things I’m currently dealing with.

    I think I’ll try to focus on this online job more, and maybe try finding some more opportunities like this one. Hopefully, next to this job some other training or teaching opportunities could be added. The thing is.. I seem to not like working in schools – being asked to do things in some specific way, having people coming to observe my class, asking for 7 milion reports a week, etc. I’d like to have more control of my work environment.

    I keep thinking… Okay.. I see what’s up. I now, see more than before. I now, see where most of my struggles are rooted. That’s great. But.. now what?

    I think that’s often the case when we start getting the glimpse of the things that have been slowing us down, keeping us stuck or making our life feel like hell on earth. Either way, some changes need to be done. That’s the thing. There are always small or big changes we make.. we come up with all kinds of new habits or new ways of doing things based on that we know so far about ourselves and our goals. Now, knowing more.. a new set of changes will follow. I guess that’s what I should be focussing on.

    What do you think?

    Thank you!

    I wish you a nice day!

    Robi

    #440535
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Again I had to convince myself to write. I guess it isn’t an easy thing to do although I feel good while writing here. I guess I have to switch to a different mode in order to put myself under my own microscope so to speak. One week has passed since I last wrote, feels more like a month.

    I’ve decided to tell that school that I won’t be doing the classes starting with the new year. However, I did leave my CV to other schools these last days. Since I can’t yet live off training people in the gym I guess I have to stick to my online job and some teaching. I’m hoping that at least I can make it more pleasant by sticking to my neighbourhood instead of traveling to the center every time I have a class. It doesn’t make much sense to travel for 45 minutes one way only to do a 90 minutes class and head back home after. I’d rather push my online job more… and not travel for that long – its a huge waste of energy.

    I see what’s happening. I’m choosing to do something easy – as easy as possible I’d say. I’d rather do the online job which is a lot easier than teaching. It does pay less but then again… I don’t travel anywhere so that time can be spent working. That makes more or less the same as the teaching job. To do 1.5 hours of teaching I have to spend 3 hours in total. If I worked the online job for 3 hours I’d make as much as I’d make by teaching for 1.5h. It takes a lot less effort… although does get my eyes tired. The advantage? I can do it from my favourite Café – sitting right next to my poster advertising my fitness trainings. The Time is NOW! it says… catchy, right? I can also work from home or anywhere else, while listening to music, making it seem more interesting than it actually is. Its repetitive and mechanical, quite easy and boring.. but somehow I seem to prefer it. It’s more comfortable this way and I seem to want that. And also, I can do it whenever I want.. I can make my own schedule. I know already that works for me. The disadvantages? Well… its easy and boring – it feels almost like I cannot fuck up. I also often feel ashamed for taking the comfy way instead of doing something more challenging and hmm.. rewarding? But I find the fact I can work from a Cafe and listen to music, start whenever I want quite rewarding. It’s a tricky one. Teaching, on the other hand.. I don’t think has been really rewarding. Everyone else told me it would be. I know its supposed to help me grow, learn stuff about people and improve my social skills in between waves of feeling like an impostor because I’d have to explain the present perfect instead of having an ”easy” chat with my students about things I’m interested in. So what does that even mean?

    I often feel I’d like an ”easy” life.. but highly rewarding. I don’t think it could work quite like that. And even if I did.. I would probably feel frustrated for not reaching my potential. I already do. I guess the comfy job, at least, doesn’t make me redline.

    Where have I seen this? Where have I seen the easy life? Does the fact my parents have been overly taking care of my responsibilities for ways too long echo into my adulthood? Is it my father.. who always seemed eager to do as little as possible and relax as much as he can? I don’t know.

    I keep running and I don’t seem to want to root myself anywhere. The moment I start growing any roots I want to leave. Why am I even here in Warsaw? What am I doing in this cold country? Why am I wasting my years living an unrooted life? Don’t I want to build anything? Don’t I want a family? These days I’ve been thinking more and more maybe I shouldn’t be here at all. Maybe I should break up with my girlfriend and of course…( you guessed it ),  start over. I find myself having to find reasons for being in this relationship and question if I actually love my partner. I thought that’s why I first moved from Spain to Poland the first time, and the second time this year. Sometimes all this is so confusing. Let me guess.. same philosophy applies here too? Easy job, easy life, easy relationship. I seem to want to live a life of no effort at all.

    I often want to run away from all this. I’ve seen it in others too throughout the years. I understand it but I find it hard to make sense of. At times I feel like I’m exactly where I should be, right now and I am, one day at a time, making progress towards reaching a higher expression of myself. I truly believe that – but I often seem to forget all about it and act the opposite. Instead of being grateful I am ungrateful. Instead of treating myself with compassion I treat myself with very heavy criticism. I thought by having a well organised daily practice, I’ll be able to remove some of the fog and operate from this ”better” version of myself who is grateful and compassionate. The one who feels confident he can reach his higher potential.

    Don’t get me wrong.. I do feel a lot better after doing my morning breath-work, meditation or yoga, after doing my workout or after listening to an inspiring podcast – but I still seem to fall back in the ”dark”. It’s almost like seeing where you’re going but experiencing some interruptions. Feels like a fog coming out straight out of the very path I’m walking on.

    It’s all ups and downs. Ups are pretty high up… downs are quite low down. There is one thing that keeps popping in my mind. I want to change my mindset. I want to change the way I live my days. Maybe I need better routines, maybe I need better time management. There has to be a way to improve my well-being by making use of everything I’ve learned so far. At least I’d like to believe so. Maybe, again.. I’m not putting my eggs in the right basket. Maybe my efforts has to be channeled in a smarter way.

    Take good care Anita,

    I hope winter is nice there where you are 🙂

    Robi

     

     

     

     

    #440529
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Panditdevsharma,

    You know what.. I’ve been thinking about it too and it does make sense to me that I might be hiding from something through procrastination. It looks to me that I might be hiding from discomfort –  from experiencing discomfort. Could be the reason why I tend to prefer going for ”easy” jobs instead of more difficult tasks where I’d have to talk in front of people for example.

    I should pay more attention to these links I suppose 🙂

    Thank you for your insight!

    #439991
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sorry I haven’t said anything for such a long time. Thank you for checking up on me. I’m tempted to write ” I really appreciate it ”. But maybe if I did, I would’ve responded. ( ? ) I do feel like I do appreciate it though.. even if I didn’t take the responsibility to reply and let you know how I am. I feel ashamed of that to be honest. This makes me think of those situations when my friends call you but I can’t convince myself to pick up the phone. I hope you are doing well and good thing are happening around you. What an intense year this has been – for me and many of my friends. I’m sure for you it has also been very transformational.

    We haven’t been flooded where we live but both Romania and Poland had been flooded. I was about to leave Romania when those happened. I went for that Fitness Trainer course in the end. It felt good to learn something new and learn something I’m actually interested in. Public School hasn’t been very inspiring. Right after completing the course I flew to Warsaw – wanting to start over ( again ) and apply for jobs ( again ), get my shit together ( again ). I mean, a big part of my life has been dedicated to getting my shit together. Again, I embarked on the same (but different) journey. I’ve done this quite a few times before and every single time my only hope was not to ”come back” right where I started from. I’ve managed to ”secure” a couple of work opportunities  in Warsaw before leaving my country so I won’t be walking around looking for work. One and a half months into my latest attempt to growing up / becoming adult, things don’t look too good. Unsurprisingly, I went for another teaching job. I can hear you say… why would you do that? That gives you headaches. My part online job didn’t offer as many hours as they initially promised, so I though I could combine 2 or 3 smaller jobs. I knocked on a few doors and got a few classes here and there. I now work for 2 language schools, a couple hours a week. I absolutely hate it. I hate going there, I hate being there. Often during my classes and after finishing I feel okay, I feel accomplished. Still, something in me hates teaching. I can talk for hours.. and I often do. I often talk to my students about workouts, diets, healthy routines, breath work etc. I seem to be enjoying explaining this kinda shit to people instead of grammar rules I don’t understand myself. ( you surely noticed that by now )

    I’ve been complaining A LOT lately. I kept complaining about these teaching jobs and how much I hate teaching. I seem to forget it’s me who knocked on those doors. They opened and welcomed me – because I went there telling them how much I enjoy teaching and how experienced I am. Although some of it its true.. I lied. I am somewhat experienced and because I sound like a native speaker its fairly easy for me to get a teaching job. The enthusiasm I managed to switch on for the first meeting quickly vanishes as I start having more and more classes. Of course it does.. it wasn’t real in the first place. It’s a role’ve played for half an hour. No ”actor” would like to play the same role for too long. Especially one that doesn’t reflect their personality, mission, values etc. So for the last month and half I’ve been trying to convince people I’m a good teacher with good credentials and work ethics. It kinda worked but I quickly became burned out by the stress that comes with impersonating someone I’m not for an extended period of time.

    Not so long ago I cracked. I felt like a nut falling off a tall tree. I’ve been holding on for what feels like a very long time. One day I go to my class, feeling stressed, all over the place, trying to keep it all together for the next 90 minutes. I’ve been doing it for a while so I knew I can handle it – even when I’m redlining on a daily basis. Right before the class starts the director of studies asks is she could join the class. She came in all smily and enthusiastic, full of energy –  like a bottle of Champagne offering to support me and give me some constructive feedback. I simply didn’t have the space for that. It’s one of those moments when you say to yourself.. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!!! So I’ve had a panic attach. I got all warm and tense, couldn’t concentrate so we stepped outside and told her I’m not feeling well and since she’s here, she should do the class herself. She didn’t want to do it but decided to leave me to it. I wouldn’t have done it in her presence. I did a ways less enthusiastic class than before, but I felt like I’ve been through fire. I didn’t really give a shit anymore though. You could have a baby cry next to me and I would’t be bothered by it.

    Well as you can imagine, all that made me think. I’ve never reached this point before. Teaching no bueno for me. And maybe it shouldn’t be. I kept saying to myself that putting myself in these uncomfortable situations will translate into growth and maturity. Conquering my inner bitch – as Joe Rogan likes to putt it. Doing something that is difficult.. something that requires big effort. Apart from a source if income I’ve seen these English teaching opportunities as great growth opportunities although It all felt wrong. I already do very difficult things.. I jump into cold showers almost every morning, I swing kettlebells or lift very heavy shit nearly every day. Maybe I don’t need to impersonate an English Teacher in front of other people in order to grow. Maybe there are other ways to achieve that.

    Since then I’ve experienced a time of feeling quite low and pensive but also felt like a wake-up call. I feel I’ve been through a mental breakdown but I also feel that is somewhat necessary for my shell to crack. A lot of crying happened, on my own or in the presence of my girlfriend my frustrations or discussing our relationship goals. It feels good to say things I’ve been bottling up for a long time. It’s liberating. I feel like a lot has to come out.. and that’s okay.

    In the mean time I decided to advertise my Fitness Trainings and English Classes in a nearby Cafe. I come here often and people know me here. I like the community and I’d rather try to do things privately.. doing it my own way. I’ve also left my CV in a few Gyms – next days doing more of that. I gotta keep knocking, that’s for sure. However, the doors need to change. If I managed to be successful at getting jobs I didn’t actually want, maybe I would be equally successful at getting the ones I actually do want.

    After this month and a half I often feel like I’ve already reached failure in my latest attempt to grow up and become adultHowever, I don’t believe that to be true. Of course, I could’ve done better and more. I could’ve put more effort and I could’ve complained a lot less. I wish I reminded myself where I’m headed more often. Although I don’t have a very clear image of where I’m going, any blurry image would do – even if vague. Any unclear image of the place I’d like to reach would do me a hell of a lot better than conforming to the paradigm that has been proven to be unsuccessful for years. The thing is, I do know what I want – even if very often I think I don’t. Very often having so many options and variables makes any map look a little unclear but the essence is still visible ( as long as you trust in it ). It’s funny how it’s so much easier to set yourself for failure than anything else, even at the cost of pain. Of course both failure and succes come with some degree of pain. And there it is! The pain Joe Rogan talks about.. The pain and discomfort of achieving something you want, when not knowing how to / when you feel you cannot – swimming against the current dictated by your comfort zone and limiting beliefs. Maybe I wasn’t actually challenging myself the right way by taking those teaching jobs. Maybe trying to convince people I’m a good fitness trainer, a photographer or a DJ would bring better results. Guess what.. I would’t have to pretend at all. I am all those things a lot more than I am an English teacher. Although I still need to improve and learn – I know how to do those things. I enjoy doing them every single time but chose to prioritise pursuing jobs I wasn’t interested in at all. Talking about self-sabotage..

    This is kind of an Aha! moment. I’ve read and heard this very thing many times but until it happened to me I didn’t really get it. I got it now. It goes in the journal next to other catchy phrases like that. However, I hope it doesn’t just sit there in the journal. I hope it stays with me and pats me on the shoulder the next time I try to convince someone I want to be an English teacher.

     

    Again, what a year this has been! Take good care of yourself ( or yourselves if there’s more of you reading this 🙂 )

    Thanks for reading!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #437019
    Robi1992
    Participant

    wait, everyone is good? No one is really bad.. people are not really bad when their actions are really bad? 

    Well, no. Of course not.. its a miss-understanding. Indeed people whose actions are bad are .. well bad.

     

    #437011
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you so much for your response!

    I’d like to clarify a couple of things. It might seem I always see the world as being f*cked up, people for being blind, manipulated etc. but I don’t. I very often also see the good in the world, and I do focus on the positives. I know there are many good people out there, ”brainwashed” or not, corporate or not, after all no one is really bad. Everyone has good. Everyone is good – but often imbalances make us do crazy things. I often have compassion and understanding that there’s a lot of disconnection and pain in many of us. Sometimes I don’t see that at all…

    I like what you said above and it resonates with me. As for being part of the corporate system, indeed.. its nearly impossible not to be part of it some way or another. But directly working for a corporation ( to me ) feels like a step further than buying an Iphone or scrolling Facebook. Now, there’s no secret – in my case it would be helping them understand consumer behaviour on different markets so they can sell more, so they can manipulate better. Not sure there’s that much of a positive side directly impacting the customer… unless they don’t mind their decisions being manipulated by very smart marketing. I don’t know.. maybe its a good thing and most people would be happy to see on their Facebook timeline the exact product they were dreaming of last night. I honestly don’t know!

    When it comes to my girlfriend, I don’t judge her as unaware, blind etc. I couldn’t if I wanted to. I consider her to be highly aware and inspiring. She reads between the lines and she sees things for what they are. She’s well connected to her intuition and has found a healthy way to function within the system – depending on it as little as possible. I like that about her a lot.

    I do judge her sometimes when it comes to her relationship with her mother. I often thing she hasn’t really ”cut the cord” from her mother – and maybe that’s okay. Maybe the scenario of – living with your parent, spending all free time together at home but then talking some more on the phone while going to work – looks a little too much? Again, I honestly don’t know. If I lived like that, I’d be called a ”mommy’s boy” by most people. At least that’s what a friend of mine said to me when I told her about my girlfriend’s relationship with her mother.

    What do you think? 🙂

    Robi

     

    #436987
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I could use a piece of advice. These last days I’ve been really struggling to make up my mind and I find it very difficult and stressful. I feel burned out by my own thoughts and the more I think, the more paralyzed I feel.

    So far, this year has been a tough one. It started with a big argument with my parents, then struggled to find work in Warsaw, decided to go to Spain and start teaching, only to come back to Warsaw after 3 months. After spending 2 weeks there, I realised my girlfriend’s mother isn’t very keen on me being there so I decided to go back to Romania. The plan was to apply for jobs in Warsaw and come back once I have some work opportunities. Her mother wasn’t keen on me being there without a job, also not knowing for how long I’m staying. Well.. I didn’t really know that myself. Anyway.. so I came to Romania at the end of July and started applying for jobs. Well its been more than 2 months now and there are some opportunities. I thought it was going to take me less time but maybe the holiday season had something to do with that. Towards the end of August my phone started ringing.

    Now… in the mean time I’ve had some time to think of things and of course, the topic of doing something meaningful kept arising. At the beginning of this year I wanted to do a course and become a personal trainer in Romania. I wanted to do it in Romania because I couldn’t do it in Poland ( they don’t have any courses in English ) so it made sense to do it here. I didn’t do it then. Those arguments with my parents put me on the first plane back to Warsaw. That was, my plan for this year… but then ended up in Spain teaching English, having headaches, feeling disconnected, going back to Warsaw, not quite having a place to live, not quite knowing what to do, then coming here.

    While I was taking a walk in the nature with my girlfriend, the topic of my future job came up and both of us realised that, maybe I could still do that course I didn’t do at the beginning of this year. Being a certified trainer could find me a job in a gym in Warsaw or anywhere else and this way I would do something that matters ( to me at least ), something that improves the quality of life of my community, something healthy and also something I’m good at. My girlfriend encouraged me to do the course, then and now. She things that job would fit me a lot better than any corporate job. Indeed, when thinking of working these corporate jobs I feel like I would again take a de-tour. I would do some mambo-jumbo, until something happens and I again, stop. I do feel that, sooner or later I will probably come back to that course anyway.

    Now, it gets even more complicated. My parents offered to pay for my trainer course, then in January and now. The are questioning the validity of the course and they are not convinced it would help me get any work. But then again, they come from a different generation and they think going back to University is the way to go. Anything less than that must be bullshit. They think, in order to get a job as a trainer you need to go to Uni. However, they are willing to pay for my course if I decided I wanted to do it. Of course, part of me wants to do it. Taking a corporate job makes no sense at all… but then again, it would make sense to become financially independent from my parents and go live with my girlfriend.

    I am faced with a very tough choice to make. Do I take the corporate job, do something that’s against my values, but get my financial independence and live with my girlfriend? or Do I stay here couple of months longer and do the trainer course and after that go to Warsaw and find a job. ( which could still be a corporate job, but having the course might get me a job in a gym ). If I don’t have the course I will have no other option.

    If I go there, I’d be ( for a while ) doing something I don’t like in order to afford standing on my own feet, living with my girlfriend. This scares me a little, because every time I worked something I didn’t like, I suffered very deeply. The teaching job is a good example. The online job I previously had, which I enjoyed a lot, is also a good example of a time when I felt more balanced.

    If I stay here longer and I do the course, I won’t be financially independent ( for a while longer ) but I would gain a new qualification that could open some new doors for me. It could also be the case that I won’t find work as a trainer and I would still need to do the corporate stuff. ( until I do..) The problem with this is that I don’t feel good about prolonging my dependency on my parents financial support. Also I would be away from my girlfriend for longer.

    These last weeks I kept talking about it to my girlfriend… and our conversations had been mainly on these topics. Not good if you ask me.. too much analysis of my complex situation and not much couple talk left. But you know, I have this ”problem” – I seem to disconnect emotionally from her once she’s gone.. I seem to protect myself from missing her and being close to her over the phone. She is also very stressed, she misses me and she doesn’t know when we’ll be seeing each other again. However, she doesn’t try to manipulate my decisions in any way. She encourages me to do as a I feel its best. She encourages me to do the course, because she knows that would serve me better than the corporate jobs. She also encourages me to take any job in order to gain my financial independence. Fair enough. I’m glad she’s being so supportive.

    But it’s such a hard decision to make. I already feel burned out after writing all this. I feel foggy and paralysed. Feels wrong to again, do work that doesn’t align with my values… only to give up later because of stress. ( at least that has been the case before ). I do realise that I might need to work on myself. Maybe being so stressed, not being able to hold on to a job challenges something in me that isn’t ready or yet healed. Okay, that might be the case. Also, being a highly sensitive person I might have a healthy reaction to jobs that don’t align with my values. This could also be the case.

    Now.. there are many people that work jobs they don’t like. Actually most people – according to many studies. The reason for that very often is their need to be independent ( that would be my guess ). Maybe they don’t have much of a choice. Or maybe they have an ”escape” plan and they will later on follow their dream. Some are maybe afraid of expressing their true values and choose to follow instructions. What do I know?

    There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world. I feel it very often and I’m trying to accept it. Very often I judge the world for being ”fucked up”, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature, letting themselves be manipulated, get fat, eat sh*t food and believe whatever they hear on television. Some of that might be true. I’ve been told I see the world as something hostile and I think everyone is against me. That I judge people who do corporate jobs without understanding their reasons, without knowing anything about them. I guess some of that might be also true.

    One things is obvious to me. Something in me is transforming. I’d like to believe for the best. I can’t go on like this… this makes no sense to me. Something needs to change and maybe it is changing right now. It’s always darkest before dawn.

    Okay, I’m properly burned out now, I gotta take a walk and ground myself a little.

    I could really use your support… I don’t know what to do. I wrote here as I feel and I tried to be as objective as I can. I tried not to let myself be too naive and see both options with their positives and negatives.

    Thank you for reading, I really appreciate your insights 🙂

    Take good care,

    Robi

     

     

    #436642
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Writing from a cafe, on a rainy day, from my home town. My parents came back from their holiday yesterday and technically I’m supposed to leave soon. I’ve got an interview today and another one tomorrow. There are 2 job opportunities in Warsaw I could take. One pays less and seems easier and the other one involves me in more ways ( I’d have to manage some teams of people so there’s some team leadery stuff involved ). Of course, money wise the second one makes more sense but neither of these jobs represent something I’d like to do.. so taking the easier one and not burn too much energy on it makes more sense. I say this because, I feel its time I did something meaningful – something I enjoyed doing. So I gotta focus on building something of my own in my spare time 🙂

    Being on my own for a while, while spending time in nature served me well. I feel I gained a new perspective, I feel I’ve started dissolving some of the old programs. I feel like some of my copping mechanisms have become dull and uninteresting and they don’t really hit the spot anymore. Perhaps the spot is healing! I’ve certainly become more present and more grounded – Wim Hof’s breath-work and cold exposure techniques have been part of my daily regimen for about a month now. I highly recommend!

    Also, there are new ideas. Living in Transylvania, close to nature and producing something of good value makes a lot of sense. What I mean by good value is still hard to put in one word but – something organic, of good quality, serving good purpose, improving overall health in the community. Could be a farm, an organic shop, a retreat for yoga, workouts etc.

    Now, I hope during the next months in Warsaw, while working on some mambo-jumbo projects for the corporate system I detest so much, some escape route will show up. An escape route towards the meaningful project I was talking about. I hope I’m not being too naive to think while doing ”mambo-jumbo for the evil forces” I’ll still have energy left to work on my meaningful project. But I sincerely hope so! There some are things I need to figure out.

    All in all,  I think I’m well headed towards the next step, let’s see how things unfold 🙂

    How about you? How’s things?

    Take care,

    Robi

    #436312
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Damn its been a while! All is good. I took some time off from many things and spend some time with myself in the nature. For the last 3 weeks I’ve been on my own here taking care of my parents cat and house while they are on holiday. Still have a few weeks to go until they are back. I’ve been working on myself a little, getting more serious with my routines ( breathwork, meditation, reading). In the mean time I’ve sent applications almost every day, had a couple of interviews and now waiting to see if any of them will lead to a job in Warsaw. I think, the first week of September I will be able to start a new job there but I still don’t have any confirmation.

    There is some confusion towards what I’d like to do in the future ( which I think its a great thing ) but right now I don’t seem to have yet the clarity to act on it. I’m considering in the future living here, with my girlfriend and doing something closer to nature ( farming, yoga / sports retreat ). I feel a big part of me wants to stay here, the nature here really speaks to me and I find it hard to see myself living in a corporate capital city ( Warsaw ). So, although I might start in September I still don’t know how to go about it. Sure, staying here living with my parents doesn’t serve me well. Maybe going to Warsaw to work, even for a while ( until we clarify what we want to do and how we want to do it ) is still a better option. Will see, but will need to decide soon.

    I still need to go a little deeper and feel the nature of my attachment to this place. I wouldn’t want to fall into a trap, into my old comfort zone, although I feel like I’ve grown a little and this time I feel a lot more clarity in the way I feel.

    I’ll write again one of the next days, my girlfriend has been here too for a while and these are her last days here so a lot is being discussed 🙂

    I hope you too are doing well!

    Take care,

    Robi

     

    #434785
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’ve been here for a little more than 2 weeks now. Before leaving Warsaw I committed to implement a routine for my stay in Romania so I can make sure I won’t fall into old habits. On top of my workouts and meditations, on week days I would spend 2 hours applying for jobs in Warsaw and by now, I must’ve applied for about 50 jobs. I always found it hard not to procrastinate if there’s no job or nowhere I need to be – I used to say I find it difficult to always ”invent” a day – to come up with a schedule where I feel like I’m actually doing something, something constructive. I often felt like I was wasting a lot of time ( and I’m sure in many cases,  I was ). However, my routine proved to be beneficial. I kept my eyes on the prize – to go back to Warsaw, having a job to go to. I guess I might do just that – tomorrow I have an interview for a job in Warsaw. Let’s see – I’ll do my best to get this job.

    Meanwhile I was here, spending some time with my parents, having nice food doing sports and enjoying the nature.My mother was away for a week so I managed to spend some time with my dad alone too – that was pretty nice, I don’t remember if we’ve ever spent time together. We get along pretty well the 2 of us. My mother is a little harder to handle but things are okay, there are no conflicts or games being played. It used to be more difficult for me to spend time here in the past, even recently but now I feel more confident and driven – I know better where I’m heading. In many ways I feel good about my decision to come here and disconnect a little from the usual. However, I feel a little stuck here.. and I don’t mean at home, I mean the city itself. I feel there isn’t any growth happening and I tend forget about my track and interests.. and join the general boring idle of this little town. Doesn’t really work for me, this overly comfy life makes me uncomfortable. That’s okay. I enjoy being here for the nature, every now and then for a while. I’m planning to go to Warsaw in a couple of weeks, but I’d have to have some job prospects first – I have to do it right this time. I don’t want my parents paying for my rent there. I’d rather stay in my own house here, rent free until I build myself financially.

    I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better. Maybe breaking the ice at the beginning of this year, telling them how they’ve wronged me removed some barriers. Of course there are still many triggers flying around me. They still seem to think I don’t know how to plug in the vacuum cleaner or put on the washing machine. But then again.. what do I care? That has nothing to do with me. I also managed to recconnect with my cousins which I almost forgot about. Turns out they didn’t 🙂

    So let’s see! I applied for a lot of stuff. Some of it will surely knock on my door. My door is wide open.

    I hope you are doing well too! It got soo hot here this summer… I’m struggling to get anything done during the day.

    Take good care,

    Robi

     

     

    #434017
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m okay! A lot has been happening these 2 weeks… most of the time I’ve been ill. First I had an ear infection and right after some spider bit and my foot got swollen. It hasn’t been easy to be here since I came… with the mother and the tiny space. Although uncomfortable, I was going to try to make a better effort in integrating in this flat.. but her mother wasn’t very happy with me being here so I decided to go to Romania until I find a job in Warsaw. I know it doesn’t sound ideal but in this case I think its the right thing to do. Since my savings will run out and I don’t have any other options I will go to Romania and actively look for work and return here once I have a job. Let’s see.. I’m both terrified and excited about it. I feel its a new chapter, I feel like I’m moving on and this is a necessary step. I hope this time I manage to find better ways to communicate with my parents.. I feel like I want to establish a better relationship with them this time. All will fall into place!

    Have a nice day Anita! 🙂

    Robi

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 73 total)