Dear Anita,

I’ve only seen your last posts now. I gotta somehow set this thing to send me e-mails when you write to me. I’m sure there’s a way to do that. Its funny how I manage to do my morning breathwork, workout and journaling but don’t have enough discipline to check this forum. Hm.. perhaps my mind is avoiding growth?

Words struggle to come out today… These days I’ve been struggling with work, arguments and trying to decide wether I’ll stay here longer or leave as soon as I can. I don’t like where I am ( in life right now ). Romania is nice.. the mountains, the silence and the friends I got to know here recently.. but living here with my parents doesn’t work. Also being in a long distance relationship makes things difficult. So as you might know already, I’m looking for work in Warsaw and I’m hoping to move in with my girlfriend – just the 2 of us. Easier said than done – at least right now. Let’s see what comes. These days I felt so disconnected from her, so tired of feeling so confused.. I told her I wanted us to break up. There multiple reasons for me to feel that way.. I often feel she didn’t make our relationship a priority.. and I think there’s something in it. But I also know that my emotional imbalance these days had something to do with that. We didn’t break up though.. we actually ended up talking clearly. She agreed that she hasn’t made our relationship a priority and she apologised for making me feel neglected. Now we are taking things slow, trying to see how we feel and what needs to be changed. I’m pretty sure this is a good thing – I’m pretty sure this is part of our process.

Actually the reason why I opened this forum today was to read through a few of our posts. Tomorrow mid-day I’m having a coaching session with someone I’ve worked with before. The topics, as always, the relationship, my financial independence and work. I found here a lot more than what I was looking for. I didn’t know about the later posts you wrote until now. So there’s a lot more I’ll be discussing tomorrow.

Now.. about those posts! Thank you so much for the big effort to put all that together. I myself I’ve used ChatGpt and a thing called Purpose for similar inquiries but this one seems to be spot on. Or perhaps its how you use it, not the tool itself 🙂
Well… you ( and the AI ) are both right… It does feel spot on.. and Its getting harder and harder to live with it – to know all that but not get into motion. So I feel motion is much, much needed. I feel the more I stay here the foggier all gets. My moving to Warsaw depends on finding a job there… and so far I haven’t been very lucky.
I also asked my girlfriend if she could help with paying the rent for a couple of months until I get stable.. but her answer hasn’t been very positive. I get it.. but I also don’t. And I was somewhat disappointed. We talked about it though.. and showed my disappointment. She said she’s afraid I’ll be coming and leaving again after a few months… So I guess she doesn’t really trust me then. So yeah.. we kinda have a problem here.
I know.. I shouldn’t have asked her for help. I probably need to be crossing that river on my own.. If I want to truly move on and grow. But I thought – I would help her if she was in my situation right now.

Anyway, now I’m taking a few notes for the coaching session tomorrow… these days had been so overwhelming that I can barely thing of all these things. Also I want to digest all that you sent me recently… there’s a lot to be felt. Also.. sorry for my writing being all over the place.. probably a bit of a struggle to read – but my functioning lacks a little flow and ease these days. Thank you so much for everything! I am surprised that apart from being Romanian we also share so many childhood experiences.. Its crazy 🙂

I hope you’re doing alright, let me know how you are!
Robi

* god dammit! its right here.. I was about to press Submit and I see on the left ” notify me of follow-up replies via email “. Of course it was there all this time – like so many other things. 🙂

Dear Anita,

Thanks for asking! I’m okay.. I was chilling in bed, trying to figure out why don’t I spend more time with myself in silence, with my thoughts and emotions. I often watch films in my free time or get engaged in all kinds of learning processes but I feel I need more stillness in my life. Anyway.
I’m feeling stuck to be honest. I’ve been here for ways too long. I remember you told me on many occasions not to come live here with my parents. You told me it was a bad idea. Well… you were right. But you know that already 🙂
So these days I’m sending job applications to Warsaw. I want to build a solid foundation with my girlfriend. I’d like us to be family and live together. It took me a long time to feel this.. perhaps I didn’t allow myself to. But now I feel that this is what I want to do. I had to go full circle.. to.. basically want to go be in Warsaw with my girlfriend ( again ). But this time the structures we both know so well, need to collapse. And they are.

I want to deal with all this right now. I want to try to build my own structure – even if its not going to be easy or comfortable. I want to deal with my relationship with my mother ( and the way it shows up in my romantic relationship ). Also, with the way I react to my girlfriend’s relationship with her mother. Well.. and the obvious: my financial independence and my ability to hold on to my steering wheel and not go off-road again.

These last weeks had been so introspective… I see there’s a lot that I want to change. And I’m happy about it. I’m also fuc*ing terrified. However, a new, sharper lens has been acquired. I see things I haven’t before and perhaps that’ll help 🙂

How about yourself? How’s this year treating you so far? We had a ton of snow here.. haven’t had that much snow in more than 10 years. I’ve made an igloo in the park… Worked 5 days straight. Felt amazing. I needed that. It felt so reassuring.. I thought: If I can make an igloo in the park I can probably do things too.

Ah, I know it sounds a little naive.. but there’s something in it. At least for me 🙂

Take good care!
Robbie

Dear Anita,

We had some snow this morning! Not much, just a little. Enough for cars to slide around – of course, I had a go. Sadly I am currently in Romania. I’ve only come back here a few days ago. On Christmas eve to be precise. What a strange thing to do if u ask me. Still trying to understand how I got here but I feel its going to take a while to gain some clarity.

This year has been very confusing. A lot of indecision, a lot of uncertainty. Now, at the end of 2025, I feel absolutely exhausted. I feel burned out and tired. I hear many people saying these exact words these days.. but many of them for different reasons. I haven’t exactly worked my ass off.. the ‘’work’’ has been happening in the background, on the inside so to speak. Since June, when I came here to spend some time in the countryside, I’ve had quite a few experiences. I started to like it here more, got used to the community here, the nature that I love so much.. My girlfriend also came over for a few weeks throughout the summer so we spent some nice time here. I also met some very interesting people here, very likeminded – people who also traveled and came back. I felt like this place could be the right place for me. Its home, its where I grew up! For the most part my parents where away, I was living on my own, or with my gf, had space, time, work online and great weather. Once the summer ended, my parents came back from their long holiday. Also my girlfriend went back to Poland. By then I’ve decided that I’d like to try to stay here and maybe create something here. I thought I’d stay and my girlfriend could visit for now and gradually move here. I thought maybe I could come up with some workout space, some kinda of off-grid community with my new friends.. breath-work camps.. few ideas have been flying around. In September I went to Warsaw for 2 weeks just to visit. Also I wanted to bring some more clothes and things to Romania. This time we stayed with her mother – which I didn’t like at all but somehow things worked. While I was there I felt like I wanted to stay.. like I wanted to get back there and not stay in Romania. I felt like I didn’t want to live separately from my girlfriend. There I was packing a big bag of clothes, returning to Romania, although I didn’t feel like I wanted to be there.

But I did come back – and I told myself I wanted to go back to Warsaw once I find some more work there. Again a couple months have passed. I’ve been working online, making some money but not enough to fully sustain myself in Warsaw. My girlfriend visited me again in October, spent some nice time together.. and again we were apart. The plan? I didn’t really know anymore. I was somewhere in between. I could stay but I could also go. I didn’t want to go to Warsaw because I didn’t like living in Poland. I wanted to stay here because it felt like home. But what about my relationship? Well.. I didn’t know how I felt about that.

I probably mentioned this to you before – whenever I spend some time apart from my girlfriend, I gradually seem to lose interest in her and start doubting. I always miss her right after we part, for a couple days but then I start having doubts and I keep telling myself I should break up with her because I don’t feel like we connect, I tell myself we don’t have things in common, I often thing of other women and think I might not be with the right person. When she writes to me, I feel irritated. I feel I don’t want to answer her. Almost as if I’m pissed off with her. I often thing this could be some kinda defence mechanism – I don’t allow myself to mis her.. so I disconnect.

So I kept working throughout the last months of the year, kept fighting my indecision. Should I stay or should I go. I was spending time with friends here, feeling more at home – but still, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay. Also, living with my parents started to feel unbearable – so many triggers.. expectations, games. This wasn’t at all good for me. So at the end of November I decided I’ll get myself a one way ticket and go to Warsaw. I thought its the best thing I could do. I wanted us to spend December together, see how we feel together, se how I feel about her, look for some work opportunities there and ultimately, if I decided to stay, to move in together and build something. of our own together. During the months I’ve been here I managed to put some money aside so I’ve decided to rent an AirBnb for the month of December. I wanted us to stay separately from her mother, so we can really be together. No more parent figures around, no more space and privacy issues. Of course financially wasn’t great – tickets and AirBnb were very expensive but well.. I didn’t care.
Right before leaving, I was unsure. “Why am I even going? I don’t want to be in Poland.. I don’t even think I want to continue this relationship”. One day before my flight I broke down – I started crying, feeling like I didn’t want to go. My parents felt me and tried to convince me to stay. They told me I can stay here rent free and there will always be food on the table. They said I was going to hate it there, living with her mother in the small flat. They said I won’t achieve anything by going. I will only spend my money and be back in a few weeks ar after the holidays. I was tempted to stay, of course.. but I didn’t. I said.. well If I come back then so be it. I told myself that we’ll probably break up and I’ll be back soon anyway… but I thought we both deserved to spend some time together and not talk about these things over the phone. So I booked an Airbnb for the first 2 weeks of December and went. I felt like I wanted to stay though.

There I was – landing in Warsaw. I was journaling during my flight and I wanted myself to read it later. I said something like – now feel I am probably going to end this relationship and come back soon. I was curious – how will this read later on, in a few days or weeks? Once I reached Warsaw we went to the AirBnb. I was so happy we didn’t go to her mother’s flat and we have our own space – just for us. But surprize! We couldn’t switch on the lights. We were walking through the apartment but we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with the lights. I thought.. maybe we had to switch it on from some panel. But no. The flat had no electricity. It did earlier, according to the owner who told us the cleaning lady has been there before we arrived but for some reason, the flat had no electricity. So we went do to some groceries, bought some candles and started cooking. At some point during the night when she told me she loved me I broke down. I told her I loved her too.. but I felt this guilt.. I felt like an impostor. So I broke down and told her I’ve been having doubts about my feelings for her and that I didn’t want to come and I didn’t know if I wanted to continue this relationship. I cried a lot that night and so did she. She was very understanding and supportive and she even appreciated me being honest. I felt a lot of the pressure has gone.. I started feeling better, less tense, less uncertain. I already started feeling much closer to her. Those doubts were starting to evaporate.
The next day we couldn’t make the electricity work so we decided to look for something else and leave that flat. The owner has given me a refund for the 2 weeks and we went across the street – to her mothers flat. Well, we had no place to go and I was dead tired after the trip, the long conversation etc. So, I took the easy exit. Convenience. Her mother even said during lunch – ‘’ hah, you ended up here already ‘’. Yes.. I know right? Not quite what I’ve planned. I have to admit – it did feel good. It felt like a warm hug, like a bowl of soup when ill with high temperature. I was even writing this in my journal. ‘’ don’t get tricked again !“
I looked for more options around her neighbourhood but there weren’t any options so I told myself we can stay for a few days. We were going to a wedding in a few days anyway and we were going to spend few days away anyway so we can switch to another AirBnb once we are back. And we did. Being there, in her mother’s flat triggered all my wounds again. All the lack of space I’ve had in childhood. I kept complaining about not liking it there and I kept criticising her life situation, her being nearly 40 living with her mother. Not proud of saying those things. I often do.. It comes from my frustration and I often find it hard to find clarity when I’m there.

I’m won’t go through the entire month of December. It would make both our brains explode. Mine has already, partially. I only have a little bit left, the one I’m using for writing. The rest will hopefully come back with the new year. Although we went to another AirBnb, then back in the mother’s flat for couple days, then again off to another city for a few days, then again a few days with the mother, then again left for the country side for a few days for my birthday… the month of December has been pretty crazy. We argued a lot, we talked about many things, I criticised her life 10 thousand times more and we talked about breaking up quite a few times. We did say we loved each other though. That we always said at the end of every argument. And often that would be the end of many of them.

By the third week of December.. we were tired. We both felt like we’ve been hit by lightning. I felt like I completely failed. I wanted us to be together for the month of December and.. enjoy it. I didn’t know if we’ll stay together or not, I didn’t know if I wanted to stay there or not.. but I wanted us to enjoy this month nevertheless. I thought we both deserved that – I kept saying we both had a tough year and I thought we could end it ( the year ) on a positive note. Well.. that didn’t quite go that way. In fact, the year had a different plan for us. “ How about re-living the top 10 toughest moments of 2025 ? Yay! “ :)) At least it felt that way to me.

So there we were, in the countryside, about to celebrate my birthday soon, looking for my plane ticket. I felt like going home on the 24th would make sense. I felt I didn’t want to spend Christmas with her family and we both felt we needed some time to process the month of December. So I got the ticket. I was going to leave in a few days. I didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do though. I felt like maybe it was necessary – but not the right thing.
Right away, we started to enjoy our time together. Everything felt brighter, warmer. We felt relieved. But I was starting to feel regret. I started to regret not staying – not trying harder, not looking for more jobs, not making a bigger effort, not trying to make the best of the time we spent together. I felt like I didn’t want to leave.

Since then I feel this deep regret in my hearth. I didn’t manage to switch it off – and I guess that’s great. Perhaps I’m learning to allow myself to feel these things instead of disconnecting. It’s been one week since I bought that ticket and I keep thinking I wish I could go back and not buy it. I wish I’d decided to try harder, to rent something else and look for work once January kicks off. I didn’t want to go and the closer I got to my flight the more I felt it. Once I arrived here I felt even worse… my parents felt so off, almost like they didn’t want me to come. I had some food and immediately got some food poisoning – for days I’ve been pretty much laying in bed. Some Christmas huh ?

Now my stomach is almost 100%. I’m guessing it wasn’t the food. Of course the greasy Romanian food didn’t help but I’m guessing stress has had very much to do with the way my stomach reacted. My gut found all this very hard to digest. Go figure.
I still feel sad though. I feel like crying and I regret coming back. I don’t really feel like going to see my friends and I don’t really feel like I want to get comfortable here once again. I feel afraid I will though so I’m trying to keep myself on track.

“ Which track “ you might be asking yourself. That’s a good question.
Although all this seems like I have no idea what I want to do and where I want to be.. I feel that being with my girlfriend and building a solid relationship together is something I’d like to do. I’d like us to have our own corner where we can be with each other. I’d like us to be fully independent from our parents and have our own family. We already are a family me and her. Although the last 4 and a half years have been tough we know that we love each other. I guess it would’ve been easier if I’ve had my shit together.. perhaps if she didn’t live and work in her mother’s flat. But then.. should we give up on each other because we didn’t have an ideal situation? These days it’s so hard to meet someone who you really click with. And don’t get me wrong.. I have many moments when I think she’s not the right woman for me. Sometimes I don’t like what she’s wearing and that makes me think I don’t fancy her. But that’s something I should be working on. The things that really matter are there. We both know we are lucky to have met each other.

The thing is.. it’s a lot easier to leave it all behind and start over.. until.. it pretty much gets to the same point again.
It’s very difficult to change, to take a step. Once I take a step I feel like I’ve done enough already. Often I don’t feel like I wanna keep going. But I have to keep going. I also want to keep going. And.. what really bothers me about December is that I didn’t. I didn’t keep going and that hurts a lot. I feel like I again gave up on myself, on my growth. On another chance to change. I again ran away when things got difficult. Same old – but one year older.

Now I’m sitting around trying to make sense of it all. I feel like shit being here but I keep looking for jobs in Warsaw. I want to go back and try again. I want to build a foundation under my feet. I don’t quite know how. But its okay.

Okay that another long one.
Thank you for reading this!
Take good care of yourself 🙂
Robi

Dear Anita,

Indeed you see it – indeed you see me 🙂

“When you lived without privacy, without choice, without true agency, your system adjusted to keep you safe. You learned to stay small, to delay your desires, to second-guess your impulses—not because they were wrong, but because there was no room for them. Surviving meant dimming your own light so it wouldn’t get extinguished.” – well, that’t it. Exactly! And deep down, on a less conscious level I knew that. Always.

You know, its not only the cars has been suppressed.. but this one hurts me the most because I’ve always been almost obsessed with cars but kept it at bay instead of fully accepting that this is an important part of my personality. Apart from cars there are a few more things that could’ve grown a little more but haven’t been fed the right nutrients. Things such as photography, making music and Dj-ing. I don’t really take photographs anymore.. I haven’t taken any projects in years. I play the piano couple times a year – every now and then when I find myself in the airport or bus station. Some of them have pianos. I like to Dj but I do it rarely. I wanted to record a set and put it on YouTube. I went halfway but didn’t do it. I told myself it wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be.
And the workouts? Well.. I also wanted to start a YouTube channel where I’d teach people how to workout and share some wisdom. I did start it, uploaded o couple of short videos and then stopped the moment I’ve had the first major breakdown. I even recorded a long, comprehensive video on the importance of sprinting. Of course it wasn’t great.. I didn’t really know how to talk in front of the camera but that could’ve been a good start.

But there’s no surprise here – I’ve done this a million times before.
I even have my own corridor nicely decorated with the images of these things I could’ve done but haven’t. The thing is that I’m fed up hanging up all these pictures hoping no one’s looking. It’s getting harder and harder to do that because well.. I’m looking! There is someone looking – I’ve always been.. but I’ve always done something I mastered at an early age. Blocking things out – an early version of what today we call censorship. Trying to get better at something you don’t even allow yourself to see. How about defusing a bomb blindfolded? Sure!

I’ve always underestimated my own power. I’ve often underestimated the complexity of my being. I’ve underestimated my brains ability to trick me into playing small and keep myself hidden. Only in the last years I’ve started to grasp that we often do things on autopilot. That our brain knows how to convince us to stay safe without asking us – without showing us the pros and cons. Perhaps our lives have become a lot more complex and since there are no more lions chasing us around.. we need to learn a little more about how to succeed. We should sprint every now and then though! That’s really good for your hearth!

I think I have to look for what’s there already. Of course doing breathwork and jumping into cold water every morning is good for you and could lead to some major breakthroughs. These are fantastic tools – but Ive treated them more like answers. In 32 years I’ve gathered some skills and things I like and can be good at. I guess I don’t even need to look that wide. I guess I’ve known where my power resided by the age of 10.

Now.. how do I start?

Thank you!
Take good care of yourself 🙂 Do some sprinting every now and then!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Summer is finally here. We’ve had very wam days in April and quite cold and rainy days in May.Now It’s getting real – its summer and its hot. Already a little too hot. I guess those electric cars don’t really work after all.

These days I’ve been thinking about what you said in your previous posts. Something resonated very much – although you didn’t specifically say it, but after reading your posts last week I was left with a feeling of abandonment. I felt like I’ve in some ways abandoned myself. I’ve disconnected myself from my inner child and I’ve built a wall between myself and the things that had meaning for me – the things that felt exciting and made sense to me. Although at first glance these things might appear superficial they still constitute a big part of who I am – even after suppressing them in the last years. I’ve disconnected myself from the things that since I cane remember, brought me joy.

When I was a kid I knew who I wanted to be. In many ways I knew a hell of a lot more about who I wanted to be than these days. Perhaps there was less noise back then and I haven’t yet got as many layers of conditioning. I guess many of us experience that. I think many of us know what makes sense to us at an early age and most of us get disconnected from that at some point. Everybody talks about it – getting back to yourself. Those bumper stickers we were talking about. Not to mention hundreds / thousands of books which touch on the topic. After reading your posts, there was this realisation
– ” I don’t really do that much of the things that I like. I am not in any way surrounded by those subjects that once brought me joy. I seem to have built an island for myself – like that crazy italian guy in the 60’s. What was it called.. the Rose Island?
I seem to have distanced myself from most of the things that once took all my focus, all my attention and often made hours fly. You are probably asking yourself – ok, so what is it that you always liked?

Well. It’s cars. My passion for cars. My parents were putting me on the back seat of a red Dacia 1310 – that’s my first ever memory. I can remember it perfectly. During those years nothing else really mattered to me – I could spend an entire day looking at cars. I often did. My grandparents use to take me for walks on our main boulevard and I used to name every single car I saw on the road. I could identify all of them – I recognised their shapes and badges. As I grew up I remember them always telling these stories at family reunions. It’s been a while since I’ve heard them telling that story. I often miss them and I wish I’ve spent more time with them. Funny thing – they are playing old pop songs from the early 20’s today in the café. They seem to have very well suited my trip back to the memory lane.

Throughout the years, as a teenager I was mostly interested in cars. Of course, I loved watching movies and listening to music, playing instruments, playing around with music making software but nothing came close to my love for cars. While growing up I only wanted one thing – time to pass faster. I wanted time to speed up. I wanted to be 18 so I can drive a car. Back then during my teens and early 20’s most of my friendships were connected to the car community. Long nights driving around, talking about cars with my friends and often racing each other. I’ve done some stupid shit back then but I remember feeling the most alive when driving.

So WHAT exactly has happened then? How did I go from being part of a community built around the thing I loved the most to – living abroad for almost 10 years disconnected from all that and not really trying to find that somewhere else. I mean.. people love cars all over the globe but I’ve never really tried to be part of that. I’ve accepted that for some reason that isn’t an option. I’ve found excuses not to do the thing I love the most.

Well – Bingo! The answer is always the same. The answer is F E A R.

You see. In order to fuel my passion for cars – being part of the community, owning cars I like, photographing cars for a living, being part of the automotive industry in some way, being a car designer ( btw that was my dream as a kid – I didn’t dream about teaching English in Warsaw, Poland – go figure :)) ) – I would’ve had to do the same thing I’ve been struggling to do for as long as I can remember. I would’ve had to put myself out there and earn a living. I would’ve had to take responsibility – a thing I wasn’t very good at. But I was too afraid to do that – so I ran away from it. I’ve tried to disconnect myself from it instead. Now that I look at it I feel like in many ways I’ve been denying myself. I was in many ways denying an important part of myself – the burning passion for cars. I’ve often tried telling myself that I’ve left that behind and I’ve distanced myself from all that because It had no meaning, because it was all ego-based anyway. I’ve told myself that now I am pursuing something more meaningful and I’m looking for myself in a more spiritual way. Maybe that is true, maybe all that is in fact needed.

But that’s f*cking bullshit! It had meaning – of course it had meaning. To this day, my entire world stops if I hear a car coming. My first thoughts are – ” Is that a V6 or a V8? “. I can’t hear anything else if there’s an engine note in the background. Everything else gets cut-off. My girlfriend’s voice often goes on mute when such situations occur. She does not like that I can tell u that much. But I cannot help it. And I wouldn’t like to help it either. This is something I really, really like.

Now I understand why some become hippies and decide to cut down on their expenses often by cutting down their needs and desires. In many ways I’ve become one. But it wasn’t because I didn’t want to encourage consumerism. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to give my energy towards superficial needs. It wasn’t because I wanted to distance myself as much as possible from the corporate system and the toxicity of our modern society. I’ve almost became a hippie because I was afraid! I was afraid of taking responsibility for my own needs and desires. I’ve put most of my needs and desires in a box and locked them in the storage room – perhaps the same storage room I’ve been residing in for so many years. Maybe I’ve done the familiar thing.
These days I’m telling myself that who I am today doesn’t get along with the my older, less ”spiritualised” version.

But why not?

I see that after diving deeper into spirituality and better alignment with myself my excuses have changed too. But what if – better alignment with myself also means – connecting with the things I’ve always loved. Isn’t that the whole point?

What do I expect? Some book to tell me what I like and what makes me happy? Finishing Arnold’s book soon and I realise Arnold has better things to do than telling me what it is that I love to do. I know what I like. I guess we all do, deep down.

So now what? Well.. I’m going to Romania for a couple of months. And you know what? I’m going to take out my rally car and slowly restore it. I like that car so much and I’ve worked my ass off in order to pay for it. Actually, it’s the only substantial thing I own and bought for myself. It’s such a special little sports car. Like I did with my needs and desires, I’ve left it there, stored in the garage for years! I often felt like it was wrong not to cater to my needs. A lot of shame has been bottling up. It’s okay – it’s not too late.
I’m gonna sit with it, and little by little restore some life into it. Hopefully I’ll manage to find the fit the right parts so I can take it out for a drive. I, also need to be taken out for a drive. Perhaps I could also use some restoring 🙂

I don’t quite know where I’m going to take it from here but I feel getting closer to the things I know I like will help clear out some clouds. I’ve done so many things that had nothing to do with who I am and maybe its time I gave things I actually like a chance.

Thank you! I would’t have made these steps without you!
Take good care Anita!
Robi

Dear Anita,

April 4th – the last time I wrote here. Two months!!! W H E R E W A S I ?! Feels just right asking myself that question.. and I often do. Sometimes it’s more like ” What the f*ck just happened? ” or ” How did I get to this point ? ‘’. But fundamentally, they point to the same thing. Where did it all go?

Where the f*ck was I all this time? Where did I channel my energy? I must’ve done something with it otherwise I wouldn’t have felt so exhausted so often these days.

I’ve read your last post a few times. I said to myself: “ She’s right! I gotta get my act together and start doing something. “
And I’ve tried – quite a few times. I’ve tried mastering my time better, meeting more people, watching less movies, sticking to routines that boost my mood and clarity.

I guess it wouldn’t be fair to say it didn’t work. No effort is meaningless – I’m sure in many ways I’ve benefited from watching less movies and see more people. Its just that.. I don’t feel like I’ve succeeded. I actually much feel like I’ve failed. I feel like again, I’m walking on my own private walk of shame – paved throughout the years. Feels like a long coridor with pictures on the walls on both sides encompassing all those times when I’ve tried but didn’t change, the times I’ve made some progress but fell right back after a while… or even worse, the times I didn’t bother trying at all. I feel a lot of shame these days. I guess I’ve always felt it – but now I’m more and more bottled up. I’ve turned into a bottle of champagne. And.. I’m really not sure ’92 was a good year. I’m often afraid I’ll just explode and wipe out everything in front of me. These days if things really get to intense and I start redlining I go hit the punching bag until I’ve had enough. Some of my arguments with my girlfriend had ended with me beating the shit of a punching bag. I once hit the bag until my fists were bleeding. Of course, after going all Rocky Balboa on the heavy bag I feel like I can diffuse a bomb next to a crying baby.

But so f*cking what? Do I need to start my days killing a punching bag before even having my coffee?

I guess I’m just fed up with myself. And reading Arnold’s new book doesn’t help. My girlfriend gifted me Arnold’s book, which ironically is called ‘’ Be Useful ‘’. BE USEFUL! Well, I’ve been trying all my god damn life. Go figure.

It really pisses me off. Because I like Arnold. He’s a tough dude, coming from rural Austria – grew up in a very stiff family during the times when people in Europe didn’t really go anywhere. He had a vision, a dream to become world’s best bodybuilder after watching Reg Park playing Hercules. He decided he’ll do whatever it takes to get there. Few years later he ends up training with Reg Park himself, later on becoming Mr. Olympia.

Has he been useful getting all pumped, playing the Terminator and later on becoming a politician? No idea. Perhaps now, in his late 70’s, helping others reach their potential does seem like he’s being quite useful. Or maybe he just wants to sell his book and make more money. Maybe its both. I hear it all the time. People have a vision, they know where they’re headed and they consciously choose to take the necessary steps. Have a clear goal in mind! Know what it is that you want, know who you want to become, feel it, believe it, claim it, … you know. You know all that. You live in America after all – you guys invented all this personal development stuff and you’ve probably seen more motivational bumper stickers than anyone in Europe. Perhaps it’s because here you’d have to homologate stickers. But that’s not the point. The point is – I don’t say it doesn’t work. Of course it does. We all know that being positive and knowing where you wanna go will make you feel better, feeling better will make you do better stuff and doing better stuff will help you reach your goals. Like a ship without a sailor – chances are it’ll end up drifting for decades… or on the wrong beach.

But what if you have no vision at all? That sounds crazy .. right? Everybody needs to have some sort of vision otherwise we wouldn’t even be able to get to come up with a grocery list. But to be able to mentally hold on to something, to picture yourself doing the thing you want.. requires something that maybe I haven’t really yet developed. I often feel like my vision changes so often that I cannot hold on to any plan. My vision often drifts around. My ‘’vision muscles’’, which I can only assume have formed during my childhood, have identified with whatever was going on in my family at the time, whatever was on TV.. I often felt like I identify with movie characters – I easily seem to get inspired by whatever is on. Like a leaf being taken by the wind, seemingly nowhere. Perhaps there is always a destination.. perhaps all is going wherever it’s supposed to go at the right time – but we’re reaching bumper sticker land again.
Being easily taken by the wind, and often changing my vision, goals, destination seems to take me nowhere. And in many ways, that has to be true. But why go nowhere? Why be here and there? What’s the point? What does it serve?

It might sound like my thoughts are drifting a little. But this is often how my mind works. I do have some structure though. I understand where I am although often I feel I don’t. I understand what it is that I’m trying to improve and I know what I want although it’s a bit vague. Fundamentally I want what all of us do – and that’s probably one of the blockages. I want peace of mind. The problem with peace of mind is that it actually means nothing specific. It could mean anything. If I don’t know what peace of mind means to me, If I cannot be specific, then pace of mind means whatever the wind today dictates.

But why let myself being taken by the wind? Perhaps the roots haven’t had the chance to do their thing. Maybe for some reason I haven’t really rooted myself anywhere. And I haven’t. There isn’t one aria in my life where I feel rooted, stable or sure of anything.

Now, in my own drifting manner, I’ve reached this page. I let all these words come out and tell you where I’m at. I’m also telling myself where I’m at. I often have the impression I need to spend more time with myself writing or feeling things in order to really know where I am today. Perhaps I should do this more often but I so often get distracted.

Something my girlfriend said to me recently stayed with me. She asked me how much more do I need to lose in order to get going. It’s a good question.

One things I feel for sure. Recently it’s been harder and harder to accept my old programming. I feel the need for a change – I feel the need to move on / to break out. We recently watched The Truman Show and one thing really resonated.

“ May I ask you, why do you think that uh, Truman has never come close to discovering the true nature of his world until now?
We accept the reality of the world with which we are re presented. It’s as simple as that. He can leave at any time. If it was more than just a vague ambition, if he was absolutely determined to discover the truth, there’s no way we could prevent him from leaving. What distresses you, really, caller, is that ultimately, Truman prefers his “cell,” as you call it.”

I gotta go now, but I’ll try to be here more often 🙂
I hope all is going well with you! Summer is finally here, maybe a little too hot already.
Take good care!
Robi

Dear Anita,

I’m at the café again – working, They are playing jazz music today. I’m wondering wether I should be moving outside on their terrace or stay in for the music. Its really sunny today, its really nice. On my left, there’s a nice poster on the wall. Its been there for months now. I was hoping to get some private clients for english courses and / or workouts. Sadly it didn’t bring any clients. I live in a ”posh” aria where most people are quite fit and speak english so maybe they can’t be bothered. Every day I see it, I’m reminded both that things didn’t work as I expected and that I tried – that I put my creativity and hearth in it, wanting to share my knowledge and energy with my community. On a bad day, I see it as failure – a reflection of my worth in some way.. a clear indication that I shouldn’t try to create my own path..and I guess, a couple of years ago I would’ve believed that. I would’ve taken it personally and I would’ve given up on my quest for finding my own way, my higher expression. I was just thinking now…

Although it might seem I haven’t done that much these last years ( at least professionally ) – I’ve learned that it takes time to find your own way. It takes time to pave your own road and find the confidence to walk on it knowing where you’re headed. Maybe it would’ve been easier if took a more standard approach (?), anything really – perhaps the corporate world would’ve spared me the logistics and paved a smooth and safe road for me. As long as I followed instructions and didn’t rock the boat too much the road would stayed smooth and safe until I was old enough to retire and sip mojitos on the beach for as long as I have left. ( by then, most likely in my 90’s). But now.. would that really different form my upbringing? Is it really that different? I think I’ve conformed and suppressed my inner fire ways too much in the past to know that’s probably not my best best bet. Of course I’m not saying all corporate workers are inhibiting their development by working in the corporate world. What I’m saying is that I probably wouldn’t benefit much from that sort of structure, because that wouldn’t really make me grow – at least not in the way I feel I need to.

Think about it. What I need, is to feel ( and have ) agency in my life – and for once be in control of my decisions and create, give from my hearth. I’m a highly sensitive person, an empath if u want.. and I’d rather use that to create instead of seeing it as weakness. I think in today’s society we discourage people to be sensitive, and I think I understand why – but I am not going to start ranting about society right now… 🙂 Perhaps I sound like a hippie or some new age spiritualist but you know what? It does feel right to me. I feel at home when I explore more esoteric sides of human nature and less the ones created by my ego. I love cars, clothes, watches and cool sunglasses – no one makes them better than the Italians. Although its hard to let go of these ”parts of me” I’ve started to see it all for what it is and I realise that even If I really wanted to.. I couldn’t do anything else than whatever my calling is – even if I don’t quite know right now precisely what that is. And that’s okay – I’ll get there. I am actually getting there.. right now, slowly, every day. Step by step. I see my shadow, the ego driven part of me dissolving and accepting the more sensitive parts – the same parts my coping mechanisms have been protecting from the world, from judgement. The charisma I’ve created in order to make sure I won’t be challenged by others, is slowly dissolving. The character I’ve created, often seemed confident, cool and arrogant – because I thought arrogant people don’t get hurt. I thought assholes where always in control.
Perhaps I was right at that time. I was also very afraid and no wonder I was 🙂 I was too afraid to look inside so I looked elsewhere. I looked everywhere.
Now, with my heightened sense of awareness and courage to look inside, with your help and with the help of other like minded people – I’m starting to build my own road. And this ain’t no boring highway in the middle of nowhere – this is a bumpy, twisty road connecting the young, insecure Robi to his older, confident – adult Robi. You know what they say… Twisty roads lead to beautiful destinations.

As for the ego-based nicely dressed, fancy car loving Robi – Its okay.. I wouldn’t really mind tackling those twisty corners in a rosso corsa F355. But its also fine if I don’t 🙂

I hope it’s getting warmer there Anita, and you’ll be able to enjoy some nature and sunlight. I remember you mentioned living somewhere closer to nature 🙂 I wish you a beautiful day! What are you grateful for today? Lately I’ve realised how grateful I am for where I am today. It helped me accept who I am every day.

Yes, I think its time for me to move outside and get some sun 🙂
Take good care of yourself!
Robi