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  • in reply to: New to This Love Thing #190513
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    Participant

    Anita,

    I guess my choice of words haven’t been quite acceptable given the context of my message and the forum by which I’m choosing to share my thoughts. I speak and write in hyperbole. The exaggeration comes from a place of frustration.

    He’s done it on separate occasions. One in which he was so distracted he almost hit the stopped car in front of us. The shock led him to admit he was looking at the woman. He apologized but my irritation intensified. This was recent. Hence, why Ive written this post out.

    It troubles me that, like Mark mentioned above, there’s no real focus on his part. He forgets I’m there. He deliberately and almost without shame stares directly in the direction of any woman that we face. His passes at me, then look forced. The stuttering, the blushing, the blatant inability to listen or focus on me isn’t automatic anymore. He begins to speak louder, laughs louder at lame jokes I spew, or says something “funny” and looks to see if the other woman heard. It isn’t his male nature at that point. It’s the behavior of a bachelor.

    It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve done my part. It ended. I’m just living and learning.

    Thanks so much for your response.

    E

    in reply to: New to This Love Thing #190393
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    Participant

    Mark,

    No worries. You were right in assuming two separate ideas. The manipulation game surely isn’t my style, nor do I expect anyone to do something for me that they don’t feel comfortable doing. I love him regardless of this behavior because well that’s how I function. Unfortunately, I can’t continue a romantic relationship if that continues. He knows this.

    Grr. My most dreaded consequence of aging. Learning to thrive off of heartache and failure. Well, unfortunately the older women I go to have dated notions regarding love and relationships (“deal with it” or  “boys will be boys”). Something I definitely do not subscribe to or take into consideration. Hence, why I am here, looking for support of some kind.

    I am young, which is why this isn’t something I can write off as life or death. I’ll just stomp my feet, throw a few profanities into the air, and try again. A modified tantrum of sorts. lol I have to discuss this issue again with SO and hope we find a solution or I’m moving on with my life.

    Ah, I knew it!

    – E

    in reply to: New to This Love Thing #190381
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    Participant

    Mark,

    I guess that may have come off wrong. I didn’t mean it as a condition of loving me, more so wondering if he really loved me, would he so openly seek to quench his desire for other women as much. I’m questioning his method of dating in that statement, I suppose.

    I’m going to have to figure this out on my own. You’ve helped tremendously. I feel like I’ve already made my decision, I’m just so sad it’s not the one I was hoping for.

    Thank you,

    E

    in reply to: New to This Love Thing #190371
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    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you so much for your response.

    Demographics: We’ve been in a relationship for 6 months. I’m 22, he’s 30.

    His family history, his development is something I always consider. Hence, why I’m not mad at him. I understand where he comes from. Father passed when he was in primary, mother wasn’t around often, and his step dad was more a friend than a father figure. He’s been single for almost 4 years now and he has mentioned that no other girlfriend expressed concern. They were a bit passive in their approach about this issue.

    Labeling myself isn’t healthy but I just feel so out of character. Didn’t start dating until I turned 20. Before then I believed boys still had cooties way into high school. Kidding, kinda. Teehee. I was just focused on school and sports. Still am. I just finally found someone who I connect with so well.

    I notice him stare and blush and I when grab his attention, I communicate my disappointment with my eyes. Well enough to get through to him and he apologizes. It stops for a bit but then a new one comes along and he does it all over again. I just don’t know if this amount of effort on my part will produce a desirable outcome. I know words aren’t enough to placate my doubts, either. Am I wrong for trying to change this behavior?

    If he truly loved me, would he stop? I’m at an impasse here.

    Your two cents are much appreciated,

    E

    in reply to: So much to learn. #117581
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    Participant

    Manbuddha,

    Thank you for so eloquently breaking down this post for me. Answering your questions forced me to really look at my words and analyze what I meant (I was an emotional wreck when I initially posted this). The standards I’ve developed for any relationship come from observing my parents and essentially becoming an unqualified relationship guru for many of my friends. I guess to name a few:

    – He takes care of his physical and mental health: Doesn’t have to be athletic like me but watches what he eats and doesn’t partake in any destructive behaviors.

    – He’s ambitious: Sets goals for himself and is passionate about reaching these goals.

    – He’s compassionate, open, and understanding: I believe communication is incredibly important for any relationship. Possessing these qualities makes communicating with him that much easier.

    – Confidence: I’ve found myself with men who are insecure and their low self esteem changes the way I see them. Someone who is confident in who they are and what they do makes them attractive.

    Jeez, just reading that seems like I’m already asking for too much. The way I see it, love doesn’t happen in a day. It doesn’t happen in a month (although it does for some) but what I mean by true love doesn’t come from the storybook romance we grew up reading. I believe it is a matter of getting to know someone’s ins and outs. Their quirks. Letting time show me who they are. Many of the people I’ve met don’t want to get past the shallow beginning of the relationship. Well, almost every man I’ve dated just wanted sex.

    I am by no means perfect and don’t expect anyone else to be but I’ve been told I’m insatiable and hard to please. That I have an air of arrogance about me and it’s something I have to work on. I hold myself at a certain level because I’ve watched the female figures in my life let men control them. They don’t stand up for themselves and endure emotional abuse; it’s hard to witness. I mentioned in a response above that I dated an older man who wanted me because I was young but he treated me like a child. He belittled me and laughed obnoxiously when I made a mistake so I instantly communicated my disdain for his behavior. He acknowledged it but the relationship ended shortly after.

    Gosh, I hope I don’t make people feel like they have to prove themselves but if that’s the case I have to work on expressing myself better. Any advice on how I should go about this?

    In regards to my view of spiritual success: I was incredibly depressed in high school and when I started college. Much of my life was devoted to the sport and not disappointing my parents so I ended up losing myself in the process. I didn’t know who I was (identity crisis) and I questioned the importance of life (existential crisis). I was so low and without support so I turned to my spirituality. I read countless books and delved deep into philosophy. By success I mean that I found something to hold onto. I’m grounded and whole again. No longer looking outward to feel complete. I am one with myself and the world around me. That’s why I feel ready to find someone. I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. I want to share my newfound life with someone. I have a great group of friends and a wonderful family but that intimate, passionate, soul connection with another person is missing.

    I think that’s what makes us so amazing. Our imperfections. There’s always room for improvement, for knowledge. That’s why I emphasize the importance of becoming: much of our life is spent trying to become something, we forget how significant the process of becoming really is.

    Thank you for your response. Means a lot.

    in reply to: So much to learn. #117107
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    Participant

    Learning,

    I can sit and spew my thoughts on purpose. Some take years to find it, some already seem to have an implicit idea of what they want. I’m still without and it causes anxiety from time to time but I focus on my daily efforts and do what I love. I wish it were easy to figure out – how some find their purpose before the age of 25 is beyond me. I’m sure yours is just around the corner! Life isn’t fun when relationships remain shallow and underdeveloped. I’ve found complete fulfillment when I really get to know someone and vice versa. Gosh, I hate it too. Thanks for that. I often get told my expectations are too high and I’ll end up alone if I keep holding such a high standards. Thank you. I’m definitely not giving up now!

    in reply to: So much to learn. #117106
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    Participant

    Anita,

    I just get so wrapped up believing there really isn’t a chance for me. Love is beautiful and one of the greatest privileges of being a living, breathing human being. You’re right. Embracing that it even just exists makes all of live’s moments all the more meaningful. A change in perspective is what I need sometimes. Thank you for helping me see that again.

    in reply to: So much to learn. #117105
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    Participant

    Hi Jim,

    Thank you. I guess I’ve just been surrounded by people who continuously pressure me and remind me of how finite life really is. I get down thinking I’m not catching up to everyone else and I really feel like I’m missing out. I’m right there with you. I’m watching my friends settle down and get married while I’m sitting in bed petting my dog and watching Netflix reruns. You’re right, I’ll remain as patient and as optimistic as possible. The right one will come along. Thank you!

    in reply to: So much to learn. #117103
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    Participant

    Hi Inky!

    That is my exact problem. Much of what I fight with is constantly finding myself with immature or insecure men (definitely still boys) who don’t know what they want. Or they do know but push me aside because they can’t give me what I want.

    I dated a man who is 10 years older than me, well established, and emotionally available. It was nice but he wasn’t looking for a relationship either. He just wanted his shot at a young, spritely young woman. *rolling eyes* I’ve learned that age doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m not giving up hope. I’m sure there is someone out there.

    Thank you for your kind words!

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)