I’ve dealt with this for quite some time now. The insecurities. The jealousy. The angst. Trust hasn’t necessarily been one of the most difficult things to confront. I can easily communicate how I’m feeling about an issue or just as easily communicate something I notice that may eventually become an issue. I just internalize what I’m feeling for the moment, analyze the situation carefully and filter through my emotions in order to come to a reasonable conclusion. This, coming after an embarrassing outburst with an old fling. I’ll spare the details but I seemed like a crazy, jealous, unreasonable person. How unnecessarily crude I was to that kid. Lashed out and he distanced himself. Understandably so. It was so unlike me, yet so like the subconsciously irritated, jealous, and hormonal me. Now with a new, relatively stable relationship, I’m learning to deal with this character. I love the man, I care for him unconditionally, our sex life is incredible. I’m invested. There’s more at stake here. There’s more to lose with revealing this new character. It sounds a bit absurd when I write it out. Almost like I have to defuse a ticking time bomb, stifle voiceless thoughts as a means of cementing the wonderful relationship we’ve established. Is this who I am? Is this woman, the one who can’t stand to see her man stare at another woman’s ass, the one who can’t stand to watch him drool over women in leggings, the one who cringes at the sight of him lusting over the hanging breasts of a stranger. Is this me? He blushes, he stutters, he loses track of our conversations. He’s driving down the street and he risks our lives to get a better look at the woman in the short dress. Suddenly transforming into an owl and flipping my world upside down. I let go of his hand, shut down for a second, or become visibly bothered. My sunken face tells all. My expressions and cold responses are easy predictors of distaste for even the most oblivious male. I’ve discussed this once already. He’s apologized. But his desire is written all over his face.

Is it always going to be like this? Am I going to have to tolerate his wandering eyes, his elastic neck? Surely, hot women are everywhere. Hell, I stare at them too. But how distracted are his thoughts, how dirty are his fantasies with these strangers that causes him so much distress and confusion? It’s like he’s been hit over the head with a frying pan, is discombobulated for a minute, and has to come back to earth. I just picture little blue birds swirling around his head, which makes me giggle a bit but ugh, I can’t stand it. I don’t want to imagine what is going through his head. I’d rather he tell me. Discuss with me his fantasies, how he sees these women, instead of letting me assume the worst.

I know I’m enough. I don’t have the largest breasts, I don’t have the most petite of frames. Powerlifting is my craft. I’ve developed a strong, athletic body. A body I adore because I’m healthy, fit, and can enjoy doing what I love. I’m studying medicine to become a doctor. I am spiritually at peace with the world around me. But with all things love, jealousy is my achilles heal. I don’t feel valued. In instances like those mentioned above I feel unwanted. I feel undesirable. I feel disrespected. I’ve said it to him before. He’s apologized. He’s said “I’m trying my best” but I don’t know how else to go about this without seeming like an insecure, nagging mess. He’s so great with me otherwise, it’s just these little instances. I can’t enjoy a nice date out anymore. Temptation runs rampant in these parts, apparently. I love myself enough for the both of us but why do I need his validation? Why do I look for him to tell me I’m hot enough for him? Is this a normal thought or am I just another vapid millennial who focuses on appearances far too much?

I guess, what I’m asking here is if there’s something inherently naive about how I feel. I’ve been told by older females that this is normal male behavior, it’s going to happen all the time and I should just deal with it myself. But I can’t stand it for too long. For the sake of learning more about myself and relationships I’m open to all opinions. Is this just something I need to tolerate or are my concerns valid? I have really low tolerance for feeling beneath myself and witnessing that behavior makes me tick. I’m better than that. Any thoughts?