Forum Replies Created
June 3, 2019 at 11:14 am #297199
Hi again Anita,
I hope all is well with you today.
We will be going for therapy in a few hours. I am going to bring up the issue of my compromise in order to have companionship. This is the way you described what you have heard me say…thank you for helping me to be able to articulate it. I really need clarity in order to fully and effectively communicate in counselling.June 2, 2019 at 5:53 pm #297109
I guess it is. So I have to make it clear that I won’t have sex if I am not feeling it…which may be never. The thing is, I have been starting to think that sex doesn’t HAVE to be part of a loving relationship. Does that mean I hav now come out as “asexual”??? I’m being sarcastic really. I don’t like labels.June 2, 2019 at 5:31 pm #297101
Well, I am being authentic finally, and truer to myself than ever before. As for servitude i’m not really sure what that means (not literally but in this context and my situation as described to you)June 2, 2019 at 3:47 pm #297083
Ok. Not sure what time zone you are in – I’m CST.
The other part of your question I will answer now
-she benefits nutritionally from my cooking. She otherwise doesn’t cook (says she ‘can’t’) and eats horribly.
-I introduced her to kayaking which she really enjoys and would likely not have gotten into if I was not in her life
-companionship. We definitely both benefit from this. As you say we are social beings and neither of us want to be alone.
-I am he handy person around the house, which is helpful because she is not !
So, since I last posted she sent an email. I would actually like to share it and get other people’s input but it is too personal and she would be mortified. I do worry about confidentiality posting on such a wide forum. My heart shifted in my chest when her email popped up. If it means anything, I panicked thinking she was breaking it off with me, strange as that response may seem. I observed my response – trying to practice some of what I am learning in mindfulness meditation- and thought it was perhaps telling. Part of me wanted to respond right away because what she said made me feel hopeful. She is taking responsibility for her part in what she is calling the erosion of our bond. I chose to wait – meditated for a few minutes and then went for a run. Another interesting thing I noticed was that I was concerned about how long I was taking to respond, thinking she would be waiting and I didn’t want HER to panic. Something I do all the time, is take responsibility for other people’s reactions etc. So I chose to say ‘Thank you. This means a lot and is good to hear. I need to process this for awhile. Let’s talk about it in therapy tomorrow ok?” This is progress for me. I am trying to break patterns that I have repeated in 2 other long-term relationships. I stopped my knee jerk reaction of responding right away to make the other person feel better.June 2, 2019 at 12:25 pm #297043
Thank you and I am sorry you felt that I was just wanting to chat. That is not my intention. I felt s need to more personally connect but realize now that this type of interaction does not provide for that opportunity. I hope you did not read anything more into it. As I said before I am new to this form of communication – first timer.
i will continue with the thread and question 6 which was how we both benefit from our relationship.
-I have Someone to come home to to keep me company so I’m not lonely
– she has my back. For example helping me through a very difficult work situation that I am currently going through.so that I can get back on my feet again. It would’ve been more difficult and scary figuring it all out on my own . I’m still going through this right now.
– I benefit from having an extended family. I enjoy spending time with them more than mine. I can be real with them-no pretense. This is different than how it is with my family.
– our dogs. If I don’t have my partner I don’t have them – It’s complicated. I have lost a dog in a relationship that ended in the past and it is awfulJune 2, 2019 at 11:28 am #297037
I have it checked off ‘notify me of follow up replies ‘ via email. So I get an email from ‘tiny buddha’. I was able to hit reply, so I did. I thought it would the same as responding on this page. Obviously not…June 2, 2019 at 10:51 am #297033
I got an email and responded that way. Did you get that? I was out walking so thought that it may show up on this but it didn’t. Did you get an email?June 2, 2019 at 10:00 am #297029
Just who you are…anything. Right now you are words on a screen!June 2, 2019 at 9:55 am #297025
Ok good. I’m curious to know more about your story too…..June 2, 2019 at 9:16 am #297021
Are you around your computer much today?June 2, 2019 at 8:33 am #297013
Anita, I am at this beautiful retreat center ‘light of the prairies’. I have been here since Thursday night. I just went to get some sugar for my coffee and the director was downstairs. He asked me how I am – he knows that I am having relationship difficulties. I started to cry and told him about you, and how I find this so helpful. I have never done social media like this. I have had a negative opinion about ‘social media’ because of what I perceive as the harm that results (especially for kids).
I just want you to know this.June 2, 2019 at 8:16 am #297005
Because i have been avoiding breaking up and now I am seeing the writing on the wall (except it’s on my iPad).June 2, 2019 at 8:10 am #297001
Reading this is making me very sad. Of course what you have said is correct…I would say the same to anyone else.June 1, 2019 at 9:35 pm #296945
1) distress level 7/10 – has come in waves over the years. Things will build up to a head and then I feel like running (my default is to run – it’s my pattern)
2) physical intimacy usually distresses me…to the point that I can only ‘go there’ after a few drinks.
3) she always treats me with respect
4) i don’t find her non-sexual touch particularly comforting. It feels that something is missing….I think it is missing genuine tenderness. This is not good because it is what I desire most…nurturing/caring/tenderness. She says she did not receive affection as a child, so this is not natural for her. It’s really sad.
5) our conversations are not stimulating. I like to philosophize and dive deep. We communicate on a different level and I honestly find it quite boring – not all the time, but enough. Unfortunately I end up tuning her out too often (not proud of that and I have been trying to work on this). Strangely this is harder for me to answer than the rest. It seems terrible to say these things.
6) I’ll leave til tomorrow. Need to retire for the night. Looking forward to more dialogue…
thanks so much.June 1, 2019 at 8:45 pm #296931
Ok thanks. I’ll work on my homework!