June 1, 2019 at 7:50 pm #296911
What often happens is the following: a young child needs her mother’s love, and gets some of that but alas she also gets hurt by her mother, rejected… so the child associates love and hurt. Fast forward, the child is now an adult and in a romantic relationship. So happy to finally get the love so craved for so long, she feels attraction and closeness and celebrates love, but soon enough the association catches up to awareness, love and hurt, she gets scared and distances yourself from her partner.
This dynamic is independent of whether the partner is compatible or not, in other words it happens with compatible partners as well.
anitaJune 1, 2019 at 7:55 pm #296913
that’s a depressing thought! But is what i’ve been coming to realize….hence, there may be no one who will fulfill this need. So is my current partner ‘enough’? That’s what I need to discern somehow and not make ‘the biggest mistake of my life’June 1, 2019 at 8:28 pm #296923
I can ask you a few questions to help you discern, “is my current partner ‘enough’?”- maybe if I ask and you answer, it will help you in your choice making.
I was wondering, did you post here before, under a different user name? Your story reads very familiar to me..?
anitaJune 1, 2019 at 8:30 pm #296925
I started this post a few days ago under my real name and then changed I felt too vulnerable. But otherwise no.June 1, 2019 at 8:43 pm #296929
Well, the questions that may help you to figure out if she may be the right partner for you:
1. How distressing is it and has it been for you to stuff your feelings living with her for the last ten years?
2. How does it feel and has it felt for you when you have physical intimacy with her while not feeling attracted to her, does it distress you, makes you feel bad, in the last ten years?
3. Does she treat you with respect, always?
4. Do you feel comforted when she hugs you, do you like her (non sexual) touch?
5. Do you have interesting conversations with her or is it most often boring to be in her company?
6. Is it a win-win relationship, in other words how do you benefit from the relationship (make a list, if you will) and how does she benefit (make a list for her, best you can tell)?
7. What did she tell you over the years when you shared with her about your emotional struggles, what was her input to you?
* If you answer these I will be able to read and reply when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.
anitaJune 1, 2019 at 8:45 pm #296931
Ok thanks. I’ll work on my homework!June 1, 2019 at 8:53 pm #296935
You are welcome, Ruth. I am looking forward to read your answers tomorrow (about ten hours from now)!
anitaJune 1, 2019 at 9:35 pm #296945
1) distress level 7/10 – has come in waves over the years. Things will build up to a head and then I feel like running (my default is to run – it’s my pattern)
2) physical intimacy usually distresses me…to the point that I can only ‘go there’ after a few drinks.
3) she always treats me with respect
4) i don’t find her non-sexual touch particularly comforting. It feels that something is missing….I think it is missing genuine tenderness. This is not good because it is what I desire most…nurturing/caring/tenderness. She says she did not receive affection as a child, so this is not natural for her. It’s really sad.
5) our conversations are not stimulating. I like to philosophize and dive deep. We communicate on a different level and I honestly find it quite boring – not all the time, but enough. Unfortunately I end up tuning her out too often (not proud of that and I have been trying to work on this). Strangely this is harder for me to answer than the rest. It seems terrible to say these things.
6) I’ll leave til tomorrow. Need to retire for the night. Looking forward to more dialogue…
thanks so much.June 2, 2019 at 5:45 am #296969
“Physical intimacy usually distresses me… to the point that I can only ‘go there’ after a few drinks”, and this has been the case for ten years. In addition to this, you “don’t find her non-sexual touch particularly comforting… it is missing genuine tenderness”. Add to that, you find her talk boring a lot of the time.
She told you that you will be making a huge mistake if you end the relationship with her. I don’t see ending this relationship being a mistake at all unless you are unable to endure living alone. And you have to have someone there. In which case you may want to consider having a roommate and you can choose a roommate with whom you can “philosophize and dive deep”.
– what is the point of coming out as a lesbian if you are having a relationship with a woman to whom you do not feel sexual attraction, having to get tipsy before having sex with her so to make it tolerable, and a woman whose touch otherwise does not comfort you, and a woman whose talk is boring to you.
You can do all that with a man.
What I am saying is, it doesn’t make sense to keep this relationship going regardless of your emotional challenges in the context of relationships. Work on those challenges with .. another woman, a woman with whom at the least you can have interesting conversations!
anitaJune 2, 2019 at 8:10 am #297001
Reading this is making me very sad. Of course what you have said is correct…I would say the same to anyone else.June 2, 2019 at 8:14 am #297003
What is it that is making you sad???
anitaJune 2, 2019 at 8:16 am #297005
Because i have been avoiding breaking up and now I am seeing the writing on the wall (except it’s on my iPad).June 2, 2019 at 8:24 am #297009
You use humor when sad, it is helpful when sad, to use humor. She said you will be making a huge mistake to break up with her. I think you will be making a big enough mistake if you don’t break up with her. It will make it more difficult to … go through this all over again, have a repeat of this. Better get this unpleasant breakup task over with as smoothly and as quickly as possible.
And when you do, then you can figure out what to do next. If you feel lonely, you can get a roommate that is intellectually stimulating and have the companionship that you need. And you can aim at a relationship understanding your challenged better and working on making it work with a compatible woman.
I hope to read from you about what happens next. And I hope she will not turn to dishonest manipulation, trying to scare you and guilt-trip you as you proceed.
anitaJune 2, 2019 at 8:33 am #297013
Anita, I am at this beautiful retreat center ‘light of the prairies’. I have been here since Thursday night. I just went to get some sugar for my coffee and the director was downstairs. He asked me how I am – he knows that I am having relationship difficulties. I started to cry and told him about you, and how I find this so helpful. I have never done social media like this. I have had a negative opinion about ‘social media’ because of what I perceive as the harm that results (especially for kids).
I just want you to know this.June 2, 2019 at 8:46 am #297015
Thank you for letting me know. As far as social media, I am a real person behind these typed words, so of course I represent myself, not social media. This here as a matter of fact, is my only social media experience. I don’t have Facebook or anything of that kind.
A light of the prairies, nice. And again, I appreciate you … appreciating me and letting me know it. Post again anytime, I would very much like to read more from you.