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  • in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #433063

    I just wrote a big reply and when trying to find the path button closed the page on my phone. I’m quite disappointed about this but I’m going to assume it’s what the universe wanted. So I’m going to shut here cranky grouchy grrrr.

    Hello and how are you?

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432906

    you must be older than I am, lol. (aka haha)

    That is a possibility. As I sit here contemplating all my grey hair 😂

    … your accent.

    It’s a very boring this accent 😂

    anita (no s in my name, disappointed-face-emoji))

    None in my RL name either so I’ll share your disappointment 😜

    I have a young friend whose phone is very old, so when I text message, I have to write what emoji I would have sent. This reminds me of that. I’m just touching base in the very most horrible busy part of the week. I want to retire but I didn’t hatch any golden eggs in my younger days. I observe the world, driving around in vehicles that cost twice what I earn in a year, young people, old people, people going overseas or off to the city for a weekend, and I’ve never managed this kind of thing. My car costs about what most people earn in a week 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 I used to be able to say at least the engine was good but that’s clapping out too. My poor little go-go mobile, even I’m thinking I need to stop fixing it and use it towards another one. Except my priorities aren’t car focused, I want other things!

    Soz this was totally unrelated to my emotional state. I hope you’re relaxed in your cosy lounge room, enjoying a cup of something that makes your heart sing – for me that’s coffee! For you I think that might be a glass of. !!got given a nice bottle of red last week from someone I work alongside. Didn’t have the heart to tell them it’ll go well in a nice bolognaise 😂 or maybe I’ll regift it to someone like yourself who’ll enjoy its lovely delights. Aaaah! I’m going to make mulled wine! Then I can sit in the lounge room all cosy.

    Till tomorrow, or the day after 🌸

    PS I read your other thread. It’s good to get it out and on paper. I wondered though, where was your father in all this?? Sorry if that’s too personal.

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432873

    No, no no no! You didn’t fail. My mind went off on a tangent and I found a piece of healing in that little wander. I do that a bit, get side tracked with my own shizz. Must be the alzheimer’s kicking in. The other thing that I do is take a day or so for things to settle into my thoughts when they’re new to me. I’m still rolling the ideas around like a lemon flavoured lolly, savouring the sweetness of the sounds of the sentences, but feeling mixed up in the pit of my stomach because – because – because. Because I’ve never thought them before. Because I’m entrenched in my mindset and it never occurred to me I could think differently. Because it is taking some space to realise I have a growth opportunity here that I’ve never recognised. Thank you for calling me out on this.

    I will have to turn my computer on to reply adequately as my phone is garbage for being able to copy and paste and all of that. It ends up not making sense or meaning differently to what I’m trying to say if I can’t see it all properly.

    This is something you wrote the other day that I thoroughly enjoyed reading – hold onto your hat, I copied and pasted on my phone 😂

    The  sun is bright outside, the trees and grass so green (in front of me, seen through the open window). Life as usual, it was always there no matter how dead I felt. Ah, life, a magnificent thing, life seeking life. I am seeking life. I let go of my past, I let it go. I no longer identify with my past. I now identify with life, everything’s life, everyone’s life, just.. Life.

    I loved this. As I listen to the sounds of the animal kingdom living, the wind in the trees whispering of the living they’ve seen, the warmth in the air, the gentle yet powerful rhythms that the blessed non human things in this world live every day. This is where I need to stop before I make a negative observation about humans 😂 see! I’m so very torn between positivity and negativity. Need courage to let go.

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432843

    Guten tag. That’s about my extent of bilingualism 😂 but I’ve decided to try to squeeze some duolingo in my day. You never know, old brain might learn new tricks.

    Determined to do our very best going forward to not pass on abuse to other people (to do no harm), can we give ourselves the permission, in our separate lives, to no longer submit to guilt and its companions (fearfulness, indecisiveness, reactiveness, weakness), and instead rise above and have our personal rites of passage?

    Here’s a new trick I’m trying so very hard to get the brain to learn. Practise makes perfect. Filling life with as many positive experiences so more hours in the day are filled with happy chemical responses in the body. Such a slow process but one step at a time. Retraining the brain to accept the guilty, anxious, worthless feelings in the body, but not to think them through because that only creates more negative chemical responses. Let the chemicals find their way out, accepting the emotions they bring, and without dissection. Not feeling despondent when doing happy things only brings a minor upwards feeling, because it’s been a few years since happiness flowed, and even then it was more a sense of gratefulness mixed with fear.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>This is a nosey question, how old are you? I sort of think we’re of a similar age, and life isn’t over yet! I have felt like a life wasted too, I put so much pressure on myself because I didn’t live a happy, valuable life. I didn’t feel this when I was younger, it took an abusive relationship that was filled with criticism about my lifestyle and commitment to making it stable, secure, etc, for my children. My lifestyle wasn’t the gypsy one he lived for. Except he used me to provide the stability he needed to be able to live his carefree life, while he gallivanted around the country / world, always coming back to his belongings kept in my boring home, always coming back to the comforts my safe predictable very non wandering lifestyle gave him the benefits of – all provided to him with his steadfast refusal to contribute towards any of the running expenses. My goodness, I’m feeling a bit angry while typing that! Go me! It’s hard to get away from feeling like my life is wasted though. The older I get the more I approach the end and wish I had the courage and ability to make it worth more. One step at a time and enough of these negative thoughts!</p>

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432819

    I read your anxiety topic post just now. I wish I had words I could say to help with your healing. Just know I’m reading, I’m listening, and you’re doing great. Even if it feels the opposite you are getting it out, finding the words, and feeling the confused emotions that go with them. You’re doing so good.

    I went on my dangerous sporting outing and things went badly. I didn’t get hurt but there was much potential for that to happen. When it goes badly it turns on all my fears and insecurities, I go to ground zero scared failed unloved useless guilty little girl. I should focus on that I handled it well enough not to get hurt, but I don’t, I go to the deepest place of failure and devastation.

    It is good in writing this. I think I’m finally starting to be able to recognise my devastated feeling is a lot to do with baggage, not just the situation I’m immediately facing.

    I keep doing my dangerous sport because it forces me to face the things inside me. It forces me to be in control, a thing I’m really bad at, lack the courage and the energy to be. It forces me to find a place of confidence, be proactive, know my mind instantly instead of being indecisive because I’m afraid of so many things. I have to embrace a lot of confrontation with it, and if I don’t, things happen like this. Hmmm. I’m not trying to be enigmatic, it’s just that this is what it does for me, and mostly I rise to the occasion. When I don’t I get a swift reminder that I need to be confident and strong.

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432712

    thank you. Sparrows are going to be part of my next poem to you.

    I’m very bad at poems. Also, you’re the only person who’s ever written them for me 🌷☺️

    ou write so well.. You are a poet and you don’t know it. Thank you. No one ever said anything like this to me.

    You’re welcome although I’m not 100% sure why 😂

    avoid the d*** whenever possible. It’s when you can’t, or they keep coming back to haunt you, that you (I) have to speak up, and I will..!!!!!

    I look forward to the update – also, I don’t think any points are earned for dramatic performances, the most valuable things are said quietly and thoughtfully. I’m going through my repotoire of people who have the confidence to speak up, and the loud ones literally mean zero to me and anyone else the are loud at. It’s the quiet thoughtful messages that mean something. Even when they don’t mean something to the person intended, they mean something to the others standing by. So don’t feel under pressure to speak in any particular way, few words said quietly if you can manage it, or if they come out loud and emotional that’s good too, if they don’t come out at all then at least you thought them. And you are starting to actualise taking care of you by thinking about these things, planning them, and recognising that person is unhealthy for you.

    It’s like a person stabbing another and then complaining that their victim is bleeding.

    This is an excellent analogy!

    “…Actually, both sides of me are gutless!”funny, funny SadSoul.

    I’m not joking 😂 I’m definitely the one that wins every confrontation by a country mile.

    if you are interviewing for the position of my SUPER, the interview is progressing well.

    Unfortunately words often desert me but on the odd occasion they come with the greatest of ease 😂

    I am looking forward to your thoughts on the matter some time later, Your typos are scused, good reading from you this late afternoon (here), Good night (I assume it’s there).

    I think I kinda covered it above. I’m starting to think that verbalising isn’t the only solution. Protecting one’s self is an action, which can involve words that confront a situation, but mostly it involves keeping one’s self out of harm’s way. I mean, you didn’t get to tell the coyote it was behaving disrespectfully, safety was gained through actions, so maybe it’s not always essential to tell people. Unless the person is in your life a lot, and you can’t avoid them, and you can’t find a way to put their stupidity out of your personal bubble, then you have to speak!

    I love your poem. You are good, don’t have a broken heart anymore, that woman wasn’t a mother, she was a monster. You didn’t get from her what you deserved, and although I’m not a perfect mother, I have tried my damndest to do better and to understand what children need. They need love, respect, food, clothing, a roof over their head. You deserved these things. I wish I could scoop little Anita up and whisk her away. Give her the calm acceptance, the acknowledgement and support, and the love and praise she deserved. You are not bad, try so very hard to accept that is your egg donour’s opinion but it is not the truth. It’s her projecting herself onto you so she doesn’t have to look at herself.

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432704

    I have a picture in my mind if you holding your mother back. That was a brave thing to do. It made me wonder about the abusive people I know, I wonder if they’ve got anything to back it up when confronted by someone on their level? I’m not talking about a child, I’m talking about an adult who’s on their footing physically.

    Don’t feel guilty! Sometimes I get up really early so I can juggle my day – I have lots of things I have to take care of in my personal life, and some can be done morning, some has to be done at night, and sometimes I get up with the sparrows to get as much done as possible. Then I have time to marinate in online life, which is a blessing to me, to be able to talk to someone I relate to on so many things.

    there was no reason to her behavior, no rules, no structure to the madness

    Let’s go bop her in the head together. Seriously though, my stomach churned reading this, understanding in, and now a quiet pause, no thoughts, as the sick feeling of understanding flows through my body.

    it makes you feel guilty and worthless for receiving others’ anger, and/ or for feeling angry at others?

    Very much so

    I fear others’ anger and I get confused with mine, easily overwhelmed in real-life situations, cognitively and otherwise paralyzed, unable to evaluate situations and figure out what I need to do.. As a rule: no here-and-now problem solving skills/ assertion to be practiced.

    Me too. I sometimes wonder if it’s necessary for me to come up with intelligent words in these situations, etc, to express myself / defend myself. Is it really essential? Or is it okay for me to make a mental note that the person involved is a dick and to be avoided if possible? My mother is very confrontational – with those weaker than herself, I have realised upon reading your above – and I am not. If I confronted her on anything, she swiftly put me in my place with words of scathing judgement, however she turned that scathing judgement onto me if I didn’t confront other people / situations in my life. She made me feel so weak because I either chose not to because I recognised a pointlessness in it, or chose not to because I personally didn’t think it worthy of giving it her kind of attention. I was repulsed by how she dealt with situations like that. I think the shame instilled in childhood was compounded by her in early adulthood.

    Anyway, point I was making before I got so sidetracked: so we have to express anything when we’re angry? Surely it’s okay to recognise it, thank it for being there to protect us, and move on! This appeals to my gutless side!!! Actually, both sides of me are gutless!😂

    I learned to be quiet, to be hypervigilant about anything that may cause her to get angry at me, which was.. anything and everything.

    Me too. Oh how the progeny have no idea. Blissfully, they have no idea, not knowing what it is to not speak out when they disagreed etc!

    Ethical Anger (any ideas for an acronym?)

    I don’t. But then, RR sprang to mind: righteous rage 😂

    anita-kind wants to hire you as my speak up person!

    Occasionally I use words when I’m in a tricky situation. Once, very quietly and calmly, asked someone if they existed just to piss people off. Mostly though, I say nothing and bottle up how I feel hurt, always thinking I should be stronger and say / do something. I’m now wondering if I should react, or is it perfectly enough I felt something? If everyone acted out their emotions in some way, the world would grind to a halt. I’m going to sit with this idea that reacting in a tangible way might not be essential, but finding a way to rock how I feel rather than be sunk, how good would that be?
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Scuse typos, etc, hope this all makes some kind of sense. Ciao for now.</p>

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432688

    My grammar is fairly atrocious in this, sorry.  An afterthought, even if you didn’t voice your anger, you felt it and acknowledged it, you recognised it was there to keep you safe from a dodgy person.  You don’t even have to say anything to that person if you don’t feel comfortable.  You might be able to be happy your inner self protected you by creating that emotion that caused you to feel a great distance between you and that person.  It served its purpose, that anger you felt, it took care of you.  The other emotions felt afterward, it growing into rage etc, they’ve got nothing to do with the initial feeling of anger you got, the protective emotion to keep you away from that person.  Those other emotions are protective too, the inner child trying to keep you safe, only you are away from the dangers she faced and don’t need to be kept safe in that way any more.  So even those emotions are protective, just now you can protect yourself, and you don’t need protecting from your mother any more.

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432687

    I witnessed someone do something wrong, Again, and Against my interests, Unethical, being a pushy, passive aggressive person who clearly cannot be trusted. I felt a Rising Rage (RR) that overwhelmed me. And I said nothing to him.

    This is the point that’s becoming increasingly clear to me yesterday and today: the part of the anger that goes to rage, is the part that feels powerless to do anything to fix/ change the situation for the better, it’s the part that feels stuck in a wrong/ unjust situation.
    You feel powerless because if you had raged as a child you would have been punished.

    But what if you are locked in there and you don’t have any possible way to get yourself out of there.. you PANIC, fear goes to panic.  Same with anger, when you feel powerless to correct a situation, anger goes to rage: I am stuck here and I can’t do anything about it, a double whammy!
    If anger and rage are just emotions you are feeling then you are the only person suffering from them.  There is something wrong with suffering from them because they hurt you, but there’s nothing morally wrong with feeling them – yup, I’m reading my own advice with one eyebrow raised because I’m no good at being comfortable with anger.  It frightens me when others express it and it makes me feel guilty and worthless.

    I would suggest that rather than it making it to the rage stage, try telling the person you do not agree with them, you’re not interested in having a disagreement, but that you don’t agree.  Walk away.  Be proud you spoke up because you would be standing up for yourself by doing so.  Standing up for yourself is the cure to anger, it’s the protective action that is appropriate to take.  It doesn’t have to be a big showdown, just acknowledging that you disagree to them is enough.

    And with anger, there is, for me, for others, a feeling of guilt associated with feeling angry, as in, I am bad for feeling angry, and this guilt leads to (or adds to) powerlessness.
    I feel guilty about everything so I understand how feeling angry makes you feel guilty.

    I felt angry at this person, paralyzed in the feeling that there is something wrong with me for feeling angry, so I said nothing to the person who really did something clearly, undeniably wrong. Not having said or done anything to correct the situation, I felt angrier, enraged, and overwhelmed by the intensity of emotion, it was too much for me to endure.

    I have to fix my understanding of anger. It does not indicate that I am a bad person,
    No, it doesn’t indicate you are a bad person, but as a child you would have been treated like you were bad if you got angry.  You learned to be your judge and executioner as a child in order to keep the peace as much as was possible, in order to survive.

    it is not something I am guilty of. Anger has a valid purpose, to protect, to stand up for what is right and against what is wrong. Anger by itself, the emotion, is not abusive. It is necessary for survival of all species who get angry, not just humans.
    Anger is a protective emotion, it motivates us to do what’s necessary to stay alive, but it also helps us do what is necessary to have boundaries with those around us.  The emotion is fine, but the action must be reasonable.  It’s people’s actions that give anger a bad name.

    If you were brought up in a good Christian home you probably were bombarded with obeying or you won’t go to heaven, God / Jesus won’t love you, etc.  To make things worse, women have a special place in religion, one that has absolutely no room for emotions, opinions, thoughts, anger.  Not only did I turn myself inside out to keep safe in the home I lived in, but I was constantly trying to be a good girl so Jesus would love me, maybe even save me.  But also save my mortal soul.

    And then, to add to the complexity, there is the fear of other people’s anger: what will they do to me?
    This is reinforcing of feelings of guilt because you know firsthand that angry people hurt others.

    I would like to come back to this later, and to read your thoughts about how my thoughts are connected to your experience with the two errors at work?
    I think we’ve both had our wings clipped and can’t express anger.  It’s trapped inside because, as children, showing it ended badly, and those around us who were allowed it hurt us while angry.

    Sometime last year I got a new neighbour took to parking on my lawn.  One day I got really mad because I couldn’t get out of my driveway, so I went and knocked on their door and said, ‘Can you not park on my lawn, please.’  I was quite furious.

    Afterwards I felt so guilty and mean.  I sat with myself and let myself feel the guilt and shame but not to go over why I was feeling it, just to accept I felt guilty and ashamed.  Then I asked myself if it was okay that someone park on someone else’s lawn, and the answer is no.  I asked myself if I acted inappropriately and I did not.  Then I asked myself if it was a life’s wish that I stood up for myself and it was, and I had just done that.

    I didn’t walk away feeling proud but I was able to put some of the guilt and shame where it belongs, nowhere, because there’s nothing wrong with asking someone to treat you with the decency you deserve!  I wonder if you might be able to tell this person, or another person you find yourself in a similar situation with, that you disagree and they don’t have to agree with you but that you disagree with them.  Disagreeing isn’t a deal breaker, you don’t have to explain yourself further or have an argument if you don’t want to, and you are entitled to feel it.  It’s liberating being able to quietly put it out there when your whole life you’ve been too afraid to speak up.  Practise makes perfect so it isn’t a powerful solution but it is one small step for mankind!  Also, soz for repeating a bit in this paragraph.

    So, a funny thing happened.  Obviously had to go to work again after the event, and at morning tea the employer that gave me a telling off, myself and one other were sitting on a couch.  That employer said, ‘all the big people are on the couch,’ which offended the other person sitting with us as they’re sensitive about their weight.  A bit of too-ing and fro-ing went on between those two, and when they were finished, the employer asked me what I thought of big people on the lounge.  I said, ‘Well, there’s two adults sitting on this lounge, and then there’s you, was how I took that,’ while I laughed.

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432672

    I googled different areas of the British-spelling parts of the world when it rained a lot.. nothing conclusive came up.

    LLolll. Your stalker talents aren’t as up there as they need to be. Luckily for me the weather has had a change of heart.

    Powerless Default Emotion (PDE, just made it up). 

    PDE works for me. Excellent acrinom.

    Jeez. The other employer (most senior one) phoned me, outside of hours, to say it was noticed I wasn’t in the highest of spirits leaving and that they don’t want me to feel like any of the things going on at work were my errors. In the midst of calming myself and getting my brain blocks in order, which I was doing okay with too, but that helped. They need to make their minds up! I think I’m going to maybe have to say something. I did say that if I make an error to tell me about it at the time rather than saving them up for months and loading me up with them. They did that, two errors in six months, that were genuinely errors when you deal with that much data occasionally two letters can get swapped around in your brain. Not errors I could go, ‘oh yes, if course, I did that wrong or omitted to do it, etc, errors where 502 and 505 got muddled up. And they get very upset about errors, so two was quite astounding!

    Aaah well. Onwards and upwards. I would prefer to be able to emotionally leave something like that with the ill informed person who’s responsible for it, but Mr take away is I didn’t fall apart, only felt a bit stressed. PDE didn’t get to rule the situation.

    I’ll wait to read about your events surrounding this.

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432637

    Setbacks. Plenty coming thick and fast this week, it must be in the air, because I’ve had a few of my own too. I won’t go into too much detail but I’m struggling with default emotions, ones that I learnt to have as a child. Instead of having the confidence to say, ‘no, you’re wrong,’ I’m speechless and can’t find anything to say. I’m back in survival mode, trying to work out what I did or didn’t do, to save myself. Only I didn’t do anything. I’m hurt because I’ve been told I did something I didn’t do, I feel guilty, I feel scared. Why can’t I just stand up for myself? Instead I prepare for the beating.

    Sorry I’m not replying to anything just now. I’m in a bit of a bad place on my head and heart just now. But I will get there, just need to sort through which emotions are valid and which are the default ones I’m trying to move on from.

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432635

    I now remember that shortly after I asked you if you use dressing on your salad, her (you know whose) disapproving, judgmental and accusatory voice said: of course she does not, dressing is for people like you who don’t appreciation elegant flavors! something like that. She was so very judgmental about people on an ongoing basis: too short, too tall, too thin, too … too loud, too quiet, what they wear, how they wear it, etc., and all this before passing judgment on what they say.

    I could have written this. Not about dressing but about so many things. I think I’m the ugliest misshapen person in the world thanks her. I didn’t think I should have accepted my bonus the other week because of her. I don’t ask for help or accept it because of her. I can’t relax in social settings because of her constant criticism, that dialogue. The one where, on the odd occasion I tried to tell her how much it hurt me, she slammed me on the face with ‘it’s true though.’

     I felt unusually calm one day, I think it was yesterday

    The two steps forwards one back, only usually it’s one step forward and nine back, but one is better than them all being backwards!

    Thank you for your message on my thread, I like it very much. As a matter of fact, it is making me smile right now, for the first time this Saturday morning.

    Every word is the truth so believe it.

    I am going to close this post with saying: it is possible that I will later scan this message in my mind, looking for something I might have said… 

    I hope you didn’t! There is no need to. Even if we disagree on something, each of our opinions, etc, are totally valid and worthy, and neither of us intend on hurting the other. Believe in this. If there are hurt feelings we both know ourselves, we can evaluate our own personal reaction, and share with the other how we felt if we need to. We live, love, do, and think differently and that’s okay! I understand the fear of losing someone, even someone I chat to online with, and imagine adventures of bear sized awesomeness. But what’s more important is that you know that if I was that easily offended, and didn’t give you the decency of an explanation, that would be on me; that would be a massive defect in me, not you. You’re more important than someone’s super sensitive reaction to something you don’t even know you said. If I believe that, so should you, and stop worrying yourself! Get out there and chase a bear, will ya? 😂

    I’m a little anxious about how I’m going to spread myself between all the work. First week in and it’s okay so far – ha, second day is so much proof it’ll be fine. I’m focusing on hopefully being able to save towards my big thing I want.

    Hey! I might fit right in, in your wild wild west! I don’t have a gun but I loved western movies when I was a kid. That’s a nice memory. My grandfather put them on the tv and we watched them together.

    How are you going? Don’t feel shy about sharing you and your life, I’m not judgemental. But also I understand not putting too much out there.

    I had a wonderful weekend. Had one progeny here who lives a lot less far away than used to, but still almost a country away, and another with their partner who lives locally. They’re wonderful progeny. I sometimes don’t know how the f*#$ I got so lucky. The youngest that moved to go father’s was the exactly the same so it was an utter shock he went. He messaged again too. It’s an odd emotional roller-coaster but I anticipated it would be. Oddly my emotions aren’t super intense, so no huge intense happiness and no enormous fall when he hasn’t responded and it’s days later.

    Have a lovely cup of something and put your feet up. One of the progeny and I went through a mulled wine stage, we’d make it ourselves. I can imagine us sitting around a fire, late in the evening, with our mugs of sweet spicy bliss. No bears, thanks!

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432586

    you do know me. My first thought was that you were upset with me/ offended/ angry because I shared about people having guns in their homes. This thought repeated itself a few times in the last few days. Another thought: SadSoul is very busy at work, she said so earlier, so that’s probably why she didn’t post.

    First off, I barely ever feel angry, only hurt. And if I felt hurt I’d tell you, but occasionally it might take me a day to process my feelings so my communication is logical. But believe me, I would not just disappear! I know the fear of not knowing and I never want to cause another to feel it. I am proud of your progression in being able to have the latter thoughts as well! To be able to have that thoughts is moving forward! One day hopefully the fearful thoughts won’t even bother to surface.

    I have one of my kids here so I’m going to go and enjoy them. They live almost a country away, well, several if we were in some parts of the world, so I don’t get to see them very much. I’ll be back though! I haven’t even read past your first paragraph! Oh, on top of that, the sun is shining. I have a smile on my face!

    in reply to: Fear, Anxiety and Healing #432574

    Give yourself lots of kind gentle understanding if you can. Letting go is hard. It’s easier if you have someone who can give you kind gentle understanding. It’s easier to find that for yourself if someone can show you what that is. I understand so much of what you share. You didn’t deserve it. In spite of it, you are a compassionate person full of goodness, you are a survivor, you are constantly trying to evolve to feel and be in a better place, and care about others. You are a warrior. Soz, I’m breaking the rules. I needed you to know you got this 🌻

    in reply to: Son left unexpectedly #432573

    I have been mia because my week has been huge, not anything whatever to do with you, so I’m explaining that before I say anything so you know. I hope you haven’t been anxious about that.

    My hours went up at work so now I’m working a stupid amount, but I have a big expense coming up, so it will help. I only locked in till October too, so it’s not forever.

    In addition, I got a very long and newsy message from my son. I have been processing how it made me feel, so I’ve been hiding under a rock when I get home, and avoiding everything. Not that there’s been much time to avoid with, as when I get home it’s not that far off bed, and I barely have time to do the chores. Today is the first day my brain is starting to clear since I got the message. I felt confused, cautious, and a bit numb. I felt unsettled that I didn’t feel excited or any of the emotions I thought I should feel. Now I feel at peace and grateful he gave me an update of his life. I hope it’s the start of something better between us.

    Other than that it hasn’t stopped raining. Except when I’m at work and can’t be out there enjoying the better weather. But even then, it’s rained a lot while I’m at work. Might have to invest in a boat to get around soon as it’s so wet and awful everywhere.

    There are a couple of handguns in the drawer to my left, as I am typing to you. 

    You live in the wild, wild west!

    Do you use dressings on yours? (blue cheese dressing is my current favorite).

    I must certainly do use dressing. Salad without dressing is only suitable for rabbits to eat. In fact, a little bit of salad with your dressing is about the right way to serve it. I’m not a fan of blue cheese, although I had a home made cauliflower in blue cheese sauce pie recently that surprised me with its deliciousness.

    How are you going? I hope it’s been a tolerable week for you. You’ve been in my thoughts from time to time.

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