Hi Michael. Just wanted to say that you swooned me with your post of nice gestures, genuine feelings, respect for others and want to understand your situation.

I feel like I’ve been in your shoes, but with less respect and more selfishness. I forced situations and didn’t give the other the space that they needed. I did go through the part of feeling like I hadn’t given enough, though in retrospect, I absolutely did. (I gave through care taking, which was pretty much my way of loving another).

It may be that the timing is not aligned for this relationship, and if that’s the case, I wanted to let you know that I once had someone caring in my life who sounds like you. This was 20 years ago, when I was very young. To this day, I’ll never forget how he made me feel and how much he lifted up my heart and soul in knowing that there are great, loving and caring people in the world. And that’s HUGE!

If I could know that I had that type of lasting impression on someone I loved, but couldn’t be with, despite the initial heartbreak and pain, I would be happy. Sounds like you brought a lot of love, kindness and respect to this woman’s life and you’ll probably hold a great space in her heart.

Love and peace to you. 🙂

Excellent advice, Chad. I needed to read this right now.

And April, I too grew up with major criticism and rejection from my family. I’m 37 and still suffer from the insecurities that being rejected has created. For most of my life I hid from myself in relationships. I was never happy in relationships, either, because I was still not accepting myself. It’s major hard work to get through it, but keep trying, keep working. Even if it takes a life time, it’s worth it if for a few seconds of your day to see yourself as you truly are, without the labels and perceived flaws.

When I was more determined and working hard to eliminate the awful thoughts, I was practicing focusing on the good. If it’s not good and full of life’s true beauty, I took my focus away from it. After a few days of practicing focusing on the pretty flower, the kind person, the one thing you might love about yourself, it will get easier, and easier… Check out the book/audiobook ‘Hardwiring Happiness’. It’s a neurological perspective on happiness and acceptance and really helped me to see why I have the patterns I do.

When I stop hating myself and procrastinating with practicing focusing on the good, like I’ve been doing for the past month, I’ll get back to my place of contentment and self-acceptance. I’ve been lazy and now I’m suffering for it. For some reason, after working hard and seeing results, I get into a space where I think it shouldn’t be such hard work and happiness and self-acceptance should just come naturally, but it doesn’t. It takes mindfulness and hardwork to re-wire the brain! But I still encourage others who suffer as I do to try it! Meditation and practice.

Sending love and acceptance to you and hope you can find your peace and beauty to love and accept yourself!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by sandy.

I, too could have written your post. It’s comforting to read your words on your self-reflection of your actions and thoughts. I don’t have any answers as this same type of jealousy is and has been something that I’ve wanted to understand and change for years.

I know the answer is in letting go of the contact with the ex, building myself up and getting to the place where I can begin to practice sending him love and compassion and wish him the best. It seems like a constant practice as I’ve done that, only to find myself down and out again at another time after reading or hearing about his life. But yeah, for the jealousy thing, I would like to hear some suggestions to help me better cope with my feelings.

Memm, Elisabeth and Lindsay,

I hear all your comments. Memm, until you brought this subject up, I had never discussed it, though it’s been an issue of mine for a while. I used to ALWAYS let others know what I felt. Uncontrollable emotions, usually anger and frustration. Then I started bottling it up. I felt resentment doing this so I started to make it a practice of how and why am I being affected and do I really need to express this to the other or can I see the lesson in the situation and just say, “it’s okay”.

Right now (for the past few months), I’ve been trying to see through this exact same problem. My ex contacts me and wants to be in touch (long-distance booty call). Since I still have feelings for him and hold on to hope of getting back together, I haven’t been able to voice my thoughts about wanting more for fear of it all blowing up and never hearing from him again. I always think that there will be some day in the future where I’ll be able to express myself to him; that future me is strong, knows she wants more, and is settling for less. I think I’m making progress in getting to that strong me, but I continue to brush things off, say it’s okay and sometimes feel slighted.

Lindsay and Elisabeth, your comments regarding authenticity, inability to set boundaries and holding back an essential part of me due to a somewhat negative self-worth and need to be liked hit the nail on the head for me. I can’t seem to bridge this gap of valuing my self and my truth and speaking up and the fear of losing this person and the corresponding feelings of unworthiness. It’s a weird place to be in knowing that I should take care of myself and not being able to do so.

Dan,

I’ve been in your shoes and have actually done things like sending emails (genuinely written) to others to spread love, but primarily to cultivate a sense of connection and to feel socially supported. I too had thoughts that doing so were to feed my ego and wondered if the initial high I felt in looking for and cultivating those connections was just feeding into desire and clinging to a need for appreciation and acceptance.

I have learned two things from this:

1. The ego is the part of you that says that you’re selfish, self-centered, a bad person. You, as a whole person living from your heart and soul will seek out love and enjoying and appreciating life. It’s easy to judge that part of your, especially if you’re used to being hard on yourself, as I am.

2. From reading the books ‘Buddha’s Brain’ and ‘Hardwiring Happiness’, I’ve learned that cultivating a feeling of belonging and social connectedness (part of our evolutionary biology) is necessary and that we can rewire our brains to feel this connectedness by doing things that make us feel connected (duh). For years I felt left out, like I wasn’t enough, that I didn’t fit in, that I didn’t have enough friends. Then I tried to compensate for these feelings by telling myself that I didn’t need friends, that I was different and stronger than others, etc. But finally I overcame that egotistical thinking and realized that I did need and want others and the only way to feel a sense of belonging was to do things that would make me feel loved and accepted – getting out of my comfort zone and contacting friends and loved ones.

How nice to be the recipient of your emails. Sharing love and appreciation can never be wrong. I think it’s a wonderful thing that you’re doing and you know that it’s coming from your heart. The world needs more of that!

Best of luck to you on your journey. Glad to know there’s someone else experiencing what I’ve experienced.

🙂