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SereneWolf

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  • #436047
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    That’s totally fine. Not in hurry. Just wanted to check in.
    Have fun filled holidays.
    I’m doing alright. At my hometown.

    #436007
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,
    I hope you’re in good health?

    #435196
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,
    How’s your weekend going?

    Slowmading…. wow, that’s a completely new term to me, needed to look it up. It says: ”someone who travels slowly – spending anywhere from 2 to 6 months in the same place. Some slowmads might even spend a whole year with the same home base.” Okay, got it: first you want to be a nomad, then slowmad 🙂

    I’d say first my plan is for slowmadding. Since I would at least be spending one month in the place that I choose. And after that (Probably after marriage) Just settle down in one country.

    So you hooked up with someone, after having a lot to drink? Is that what you’re saying? And then your young friend scolded you for that?

    No not hookup. Just drinking and dancing. But my young friend scolded me because I joined the stranger group since it wasn’t that “trustful” area. Sometimes people get scammed that way.
    Although they did drink the alcohol from my money and didn’t even ask. So I guess I did get partially scammed?😂 But I had fun, But yeah lession learned.

    I don’t know if you should specially declare it. In the old days, when I was dating 🙂 it was somehow understood that you mean seriously if you start dating someone. By seriously I don’t mean that you are planning to tie the knot with the person, but to have a committed relationship with no predefined expiry date. So the intention was to stay together for as long as it feels right… and then of course many times the relationship did expire because of various incompatibilities. People did break up. But the intention was to at least in theory have a long-term relationship (at least that was my intention 🙂 ).

    Old days dating was much simpler than this right? But looking at that it did also mean try again and again until you get the right partner. But when you get into fully committed relationship one after another in case they don’t work out wouldn’t it get hard to move on? And Tiring. Because then it feels like pure luck. It doesn’t matter what you do or what efforts you make.

    That’s why I think you’d need to work on your fear of intimacy before you can be ready for a serious relationship (or a potentially serious – because there are no guarantees that things will work out.)

    So do you suggest that I should wait even for dating? I’m not dating only for the sex part. I feel like I’m ignoring my physical needs for quite a while. I want to hug, cuddle and hold hands. I’m tired being tough guy who doesn’t needs hugs and kisses and always have to act strong.

    It’s not so crucial that you tell her that you mean seriously, but that you know it within yourself, and then act accordingly. That you aren’t afraid to develop those “strings” (emotional and physical bond), so that your relationship has “strings attached”.

    Okay that’s the answer that I was looking for. Thanks for clearing that out. And yeah I think if we say on level 1 to 5 I’m at 2.7 for not being afraid of developing the “strings”

    I think the best is to let things develop organically. If someone is rushing things and suggests marriage on the first or second date, that’s of course suspicious and a red flag. But no woman (emotionally healthy woman) is afraid of a committed guy, who cares about her and is showing interest. Also, someone who listens to and takes into account her needs.

    Okay I need to know psychology behind it. What’s wrong with when someone suggest (or more like mentioning and talking about marriage that’s what you mean right?) 2<sup>nd</sup> LDR started talking about marriage and husband and wife stuff right after like 2 weeks. And then doctor also mentioned marriage I think around a month or so. But yeah, there was more than 2 dates. Heck even in my Senior Highschool days there was this girl. We were mostly spending time together. And she was one year older than me. So I was like 17 years old and she was like 18 years old. And she literally told her parents that she likes me and she wants to marry me and their parents came to my house for engagement proposal. And I wasn’t even at home. And my parents did actually like her too so they didn’t told them no. and then that evening they told me. And they be like it’s not you have to get married tomorrow. Just engagement for now and then get married after 2-4 years. I was able to say no right away. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint them. And I can’t even told the girl that I don’t love her. But after like few weeks when they started to discuss engagement dates, I snapped like what the heck am I doing? I’m still studying, Still have to build my career. I can’t do this just because I “like” this girl. And dodged that bullet.

    So I don’t think you will scare her if you behave as if you mean seriously, relatively soon into the relationship. But I guess your problem is not that you’ll scare the woman with being too eager too soon. But rather you are scared of any kind of commitment (and specially of telling her that you mean seriously), because for you, commitment is tied to many negative things, things you are afraid of.

    Maybe you could write down what being in a committed relationship means to you. For example, it might mean the following:

    That’s right and thanks for the examples it’s really helpful

    – giving up on my needs – At this point I don’t see it as a threat because I think now I can express my needs better

    – giving her the right to hurt me – Working on this

    – giving her the right to control me – Working on this since I was quite controlling myself

    – being seen as a bad person if I have my own needs – Relevant in the past but not now

    – being seen as a bad person if I don’t accept her wishes – Why wouldn’t I compromise a little on some of her wishes? Because the man has to step up (most of the time) for their partner’s wishes. Otherwise how would I be supportive if all I can think is my comfort?

    – being seen as a bad person if I change my mind, – Yup I do think this. Since I believe you have to stick to what you say.

    – being seen as a bad person if I stand up for myself. – I did this in the past

    Does any of the above sound true for you? If so, those would be false beliefs that you would need to dissolve before you can let go of your fear of commitment.

     

    Sorry, I didn’t quite get it: so this friend of yours has a habit of replying late, like 24 hours after you sent the text? And you’d like to receive a reply more swiftly and not have such a delay between messages, right?

    Yes I don’t like late replies. Depends on the person but yeah.

    Well, you always have the option to explain what bothers you and what you’d like instead. You do have the option to express your preferences, set boundaries, etc… what we’ve been talking about recently. This should reduce your fear of feeling helpless and trapped in the relationship…

    Yes exactly. In the past If I had to repeat something it would make me angry and then give a silent treatment. But now I think I’m able to express myself little more clearer than before

    Okay, it’s good that you’ve identified one of your key problems: lack of self-esteem and the belief that you are not good enough, which also applies to intimate relationships. The impostor syndrome, where you believe that some women are out of your league and you are surprised that they would even be interested etc.

    So you’d need to keep working on your self-esteem, on believing that you are an asset, not an a** (similar word to asset, only without the last two letters 😀 ) Ha, this could be even used as an affirmation – provided that you don’t find it stupid or offensive 🙂

    Haha good example. I’m actually thinking about starting affirmations and mirror work. But I don’t know mirror work feels funny but I think I’ll give it a try (again).

    Cool! That’s why you’ll be nomading/slowmading for the next 3 years…

    Yes mam

    You didn’t feel loved and accepted by your mother when you expressed your protest, your hurt and anger against your father. Now, as an adult, you probably project your mother into your romantic partners, believing that they would be hurt and upset if you expressed your needs. You believe they would react the same as your mother, who felt hurt when you were disobedient and rebellious towards your father.

    Yes that’s right

    The truth is that if the girl is emotionally mature, she wouldn’t feel offended or threatened by your legitimate needs. Your mother did, but an emotionally healthy person wouldn’t.

    That’s the thing that I need to remember.

    Yes, the only option for you was to suppress your “negative” emotions (your anger and hurt), and so suppression became your automatic reaction. So now you’d need to feel all of your feelings (remember what Henry Cloud said: anger is a signal, not a solution). You don’t want to suppress your signalling system – because anger might be telling you that your boundaries are being crossed and that you are being violated. So you don’t want to suppress that very important signal.

    But you also want to learn how to respond appropriately, without lashing out and exploding with anger. That’s the task ahead of you: to feel the signal (i.e. feel all your emotions), and then to respond appropriately (in a balanced way).

    I don’t lash out that easily. But yeah Thanks for the good reminder from the Henry cloud. Gotta read those signals more.

     

    Yeah, I am not an expert, but it doesn’t seem to me that you’d need to start taking medications. And if you go to a psychiatrist, I think that’s what they’ll suggest because that’s the main tool they have. I’d suggest finding another psychotherapist, if you feel the need for professional help, rather than going to a psychiatrist….

    Haha you know the Therapist that I had kind of higher my bar so I feel like finding another psychotherapist wouldn’t be that easy. But I can try to have maybe some demo meetings. I looked it up online and there’s like lots specialist for different things. There was also for CPTSD but even my CPTSD isn’t that severe. So what kind of specialist I should find?

    When you say short focus span, you mean when focusing on work, right? It occurs to me now that if there are suppressed emotions in your subconscious (your inner child), they always want to come to the surface. And so you need to distract yourself with something pleasurable so you wouldn’t feel those unpleasant emotions. So perhaps ADHD for you is a way to distract yourself, so you wouldn’t feel the unpleasant emotions.

    Dopamine is high when we are motivated by a reward. If you feel not good enough, and that nothing you’ll achieve will ever be good enough – then it would make sense that your dopamine is low, because nothing can motivate you. Because every achievement seems futile – if it can never be good enough. Do you feel something like that? Like, the futility of even trying?

    Haha very smart observation. Even psychiatrist wouldn’t be able to say that directly

    Yeah, and you can learn how to be polite and kind in your expression, and yet firm. You don’t need to be rude, and yet, you can keep your boundaries. But of course, that needs practice…

    Haha yeah, I don’t remember when was the last time someone called me rude. Firm but polite and kind does needs practice.

     

    Good! You saw right through him – that appearances are more important to him than the real concern for his father – and you challenged him on that. And he didn’t know what to say – which is great! So you did speak up for yourself and refused his attempt to falsely accuse you of being inconsiderate/lacking empathy for your grandfather. Well done, SereneWolf!

    I’m gradually able to see my positive progress now. That’s because of you. So thanks a lot Tee you’re like my guiding start!

     

    #434959
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    thanks, yes, my knee is getting better, things are manageable again, and I am really grateful. (praying hands emoji 🙂)

    That’s good! I’m happy to know that. 🙏

     

    Cool! Wow, there will be a lot of traveling then. And all while you are working fully remotely, right?

    Yes. At least for few years. I’m guessing around 3 years and maybe after that something like Slowmading. But I believe slowmading would be better with a good partner. or if I’m already satisfied than just settle down in a good country that we like.

     

    People usually go on a self-discovery journey when they don’t know what they want in life, what their values are, what is really important to them, what path forward to take… If there is a major confusion about themselves and what they want from life. Do you feel you are in the similar position? Or you actually want to live your values – which you already know what they are: freedom, adventure, enjoying Mother Nature, being one with the universe?

    I believe it’d be more like living my values. And I think I’ll explore myself more while travelling and know my values on a deeper level.

    So perhaps this is not a self-discovery journey for you, but a self-affirming journey? Affirming your True Self, and living from it?

    Yes I think so.

    In any case, if you want to live from from your True Self, I guess it would make sense to also work on removing obstacles on being your True Self in intimate relationships. Because that’s where the fear kicks in. Not in the jungle, in a close encounter with a lion, or on an unknown road, miles away from home… but in intimate relationships, with someone who should be so close and so familiar, and yet, they represent a threat…

    You’re right indeed. Physically I’m not that scared. On a recent trip I just blindly follow group of friends because they approached me. But later on, at night lot of drinking and dancing happened. I did have some fun. But I know next time I’ll be more aware, my little friend scolded me for that a lot haha

    Well, if you don’t sabotage the relationship (due to fear) but really give it a try, and then it turns out you two are not a good match, then of course, you don’t need to stay with her. You don’t need to force yourself to be with someone who isn’t your match.

    And then gather energy to try again finding a new match? How?

     

    I think it depends on your intention – whether you only wanted to fool around with the girl, or you had serious intentions but things didn’t work out. When I say “serious intentions”, I mean you want a committed relationship, you are not afraid of it. I don’t mean you need to marry the girl, but you’d need to be willing to be in a long-term, committed relationship.

    If you haven’t healed your fear of intimacy, then I think you per definition can’t have “serious intentions”. And if you get involved with a girl, it would be primarily for fun and some short-term pleasure, in which case I think it could be called casual sex, yes.

    Okay tell me after how long time normally I should tell her? Because we can’t tell someone directly that are you ready for the serious relationship? There’s a certain amount of time needs to be spent together. I’m asking how much time and after that asking for a serious thing is appropriate? Because I think being in hurry for that would even scare the good woman.

     

    Yes, and this is a great insight: that you associate being attached to someone with giving them to right to hurt you. That’s a false belief, and probably one of your core false beliefs. Great job detecting it! 🙂

    Thanks! Learning from you haha

    Again, a great observation: that trust is needed to counter the fear. But also, you need one more thing: you need to be able to protect your own heart – should you need it. So you don’t give a free reign to your partner to hurt you. If you notice some hurtful behaviors on her part, you react, you let her know, you express that you don’t like it. You set some boundaries.

    I totally agree! That’s the part I’m kinda working and again speaking up matters in that as well. Doesn’t matter friendship or romantic relationship. I was talking to one my friend and then she be like don’t you miss me why you being left me on seen messages. And I simply told her that I have texting manners and I simply don’t like reply 2 text every 24 hours. That’s not how conversation works for me. I don’t mind if you’re busy and don’t talk it’s okay for me. But if you do want to talk have some texting manners first. I guess I did build a boundary there?

    But good thing is that she understood. But I guess in romantic relationship I’d have the fear like what if she doesn’t understand that and take it wrong entirely?

     

    In other words, you are not helpless in a relationship. You can protect yourself – should you need it.  But you enter the relationship trusting that the person has good intentions and doesn’t want to hurt you.

    Of course, you don’t enter a relationship blindly, you do use your discernment (like you did now, with this latest girl). But you also trust, if things feel right. You are not so guarded that at the first sign of disagreement, you pull up your walls and go into a defense mode.

    So you need a fine balance: to have discernment, but also to trust. And then if there are problems, you talk about it, you express your needs and concerns, rather than suppressing it and pretending that things are fine.

    Yes that’s what I’ll try to do. I think I’m being more self-aware about it

    If you do that, I think your fear will lessen. Because you 1) trust the girl that she doesn’t want to hurt you, and 2) trust yourself that you’ll be able to protect yourself should you need it. Which means that by staying in the relationship, you are not giving her permission to hurt you. So the control stays in your hands – because you can protect yourself from hurt if needed.

    I think that’s my biggest priority as of now. Believing in myself. My self-worth. My self-esteem. Because that would help me try to change these some deeper beliefs that I need to change. It would help also protect myself when I need it and almost every areas in my life. And it would also help in the self-love that I really need. I’m finding ways to increase the self worth. Because what’s happening is sometimes I’m also not even approaching the woman that I’m getting the good vibes from and that’s mainly because self-esteem.

     

    Yes, maybe her advice contributed to you playing games. But I guess your fear played a role too – you didn’t want to give an impression that you care too much…

    Haha yeah that’s also true

     

    So she is helping you stay in touch with the adventurous kid in you, who used to encounter lions while riding his bike, huh? 🙂

    Haha yes. But the thing even from my older friends circle I think I’m the most adventurous and rebel kid

     

    I think so, yes. But it’s a good feature – to not rush into things. If it’s meant to be, it will be, without rushing it.

    That’s what I’m trying.

     

    Yes! That requires vulnerability too, and it didn’t occur to me until recently. That vulnerability is not only to admit that you like or care about somebody, but also that something they do bothers you, that you are hurt or upset about it.

    Yup hard for me because I don’t like making them feeling discomforted because of me. Even though I’m hurt. But I’m trying

    The Courage to be disliked. I like the title. Yeah, you might fear expressing yourself in front of various audiences, not necessarily only in romantic relationships. I remember you said you sometimes feel strong anger when talking to some judgmental people, but you don’t dare to say anything. You don’t dare to express your opinion, for fear of being judged. Or disliked. So yes, we need courage in those situations to still express our opinion, even if someone might not like it.

    Yes that’s right and I’m already enjoying the Good Vibes Good Life an even in that it’s mentioned about expressing about one self.

     

    Yeah, when we name our emotions, we use our rational brain, which enables us to observe ourselves and not get “lost” in the emotion. Not get overwhelmed. In that sense, naming our emotions helps us to remain cool-headed and not get hijacked by our emotions. It not only gives us clarity, but I think it’s also good for emotion regulation.

    Yes I think I’m getting better at emotional regulation but it’s journey since I didn’t learn how to emotionally regulate myself since childhood

     

    So that would suggest pretty low likelihood of C-PTSD. I mean, pretty mild symptoms, right?

    Oui madam, That’s why I’m thinking visiting a psychiatrist once, But my sister was like what if they make you start meds even with little to no symptoms. Because obviously it’s business for them. But those meds can have side effects.

     

    What are those symptoms?

    I don’t really know much about ADHD, but there is a video by Gabor Mate, a trauma and addiction expert, who talks about ADHD being more a developmental problem than a medical/genetic problem. It might have to do with impulse control and emotion regulation.

    The title of the video, if you are interested, is: ADHD: The Misunderstood Condition (Eye-opening Insights on ADHD from Dr. Gabor Mate)

    Actually, Gabor Mate talks about tuning out, as a coping mechanism for too much stress in childhood. When the child cannot either fight or flee, and the emotions are overwhelming, and there is no one to soothe/calm him down. And so the child tunes out and dissociates from their emotions.

    And I think rationalization too can be a way to not feel, i.e. to dissociate. Because when we are thinking, our rational mind is active, and we are not in our limbic/feeling brain. So I imagine it can be a way to feel less.

     

    One of the main symptoms for me is the very short focus span and low dopamine. He says about impulse regulation I think for me that part is good enough. But yeah tuning out is something more resonating like how I was ignoring my emotions for so long you know. and like you mentioned we’re not our limbic brain during that time

     

    Yeah, because you were not allowed to feel your spontaneous emotions, specially anger and sadness. You needed to behave and be a good boy. So your automatic reaction is to try to suppress the unpleasant emotion – rather than let it out and show it.

    That’s how you lost a part of your authenticity too – I mean authenticity in relationships. Because you always need to be on guard and kind of monitor yourself to show a “proper” emotion, i.e. not to let out anything “improper”, right?

    Totally agree! I always tried being a “good boy” but no more of that sh*t!
    I’m trynna be more authentic even if I have to be blunt

     

    Yeah, it’s like the emotion needs to be acceptable to others, otherwise you don’t show it, and you perhaps try not to even feel it? For example, since your parents didn’t approve of your anger, you’ve learned to rationalize that it doesn’t make sense to feel angry, right? And why you shouldn’t feel angry in a particular situation. And I guess as you are trying to come up with the reasons why you shouldn’t feel angry, you start feeling the emotion less, i.e. dissociating from it.

    Yeah! Like I would think what’s the point if there’s no result from my anger so I just suppressed my anger for so long

     

    Yes, that’s a good advice. To feel it, not immediately try to suppress it and rationalize it. Allow yourself to feel it – you are not a bad person for it.

    So give yourself the permission to feel all your feelings, without judging them. Of course, you will still know how to control yourself in public, because you don’t want to overreact and make a scene. But you can acknowledge your emotions and later journal about them. Give them space, let them flow, because they are a part of your authentic self.

     

    Actually that’s hard for me because my immediate go to is like Calm down and supress. Doesn’t matter public or person. I’m trying to speak up more though. Like recently again I raised my voice at my father. So I’m back to my hometown because my grandpa is very sick. But I was travelling and it was more than 2 days journey back to home. Even my sister said he’s sick but no need to be in rush. But my father was like what people and relatives would say that your grandpa is sick and you were not with him? And directly I told him that are you worried about what people what say or worried about Grandpa. Silence again.

     

    #434531
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    I’d like add to feeling my emotions, I’ve been rationalizing a lot, Like  a tendency to disassociate myself a lot, whether through daydreaming or activities. So, I rationalize so much that I reach a point where I don’t know if my own rationalization is a way for me to disassociate too. And also, I have to try to understand much more how I have to feel, than what I’m feeling, because I don’t know what I’m feeling, so any conclusion of “which feelings makes more sense at this moment” would be my feeling right now.

    And like when I was in therapy she told me something similar like you said she mentioned that this kind of existential crisis that happens is a form of rationalizing — of having to make sense and rationalize my emotions by relating it to others– as opposed to when you cry because you’re sad or you’re laughing even when things are scary. she told me to feel my emotions when they come, and to not repress myself when I’m feeling upset because “it is better to feel yourself now than build unhealthy mechanisms and hurt yourself and others in the future” and I repressed myself for many many years as you know

    #434467
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Salute Tee,

    I hope your health is getting better?

    Does it mean you’re planning your trips and explorations outside of India as well? Or the bucket list includes India only, and then you plan to settle somewhere abroad?

    Obviously bucket list includes the Worldwide places. Mainly Europe and Southeast Asia though. Some South America and few places in USA.

     

    What you are describing is a very beautiful idea: to find your true self on your travels, and be one with mother nature and the universe. And if in that state of Being, you find someone who clicks with you and can Be (herself) alongside of you, that’s what you’re actually hoping for, right?

    I just want to juxtapose this idealistic, romantic view with the idea of casual sex and “see ya senorita”, which you mentioned as a preferred approach during your travels. You cannot meet “the one” – who might be written for you in the stars – if you engage in casual sex with random girls you meet on your travels. You also cannot meet “the one” while in deadly fear of intimacy.

    So you would have to choose which path to take. The path of trust (in the universe, to bring you closer to “the one”), or the path of fear, where you opt for casual sex and no strings attached.

    Yes like I said intentions matters. And I’m not travelling just for casual sex. But let me give you an example what I mean, Like if I met some girl during my journey we hit it off at first, We kinda start dating and explore places together might even physically involved. But after sometime I’d find out that I’m still not feeling that connection & warmth with her as I’d like in a relationship even If I don’t let my fear of intimacy come in between. In that case what I’d do? Force the connection? Or just appreciate moments with her and move on?
    and In that case physical involvement would described as casual sex? Again, It’s not a need but I noticed that these things happens in the moment. Because it happened with me in the past.

     

    In fact, when you meet “the one”, you’ll want to be attached to her with as many strings as possible, and for as long as possible… so actually, to be attached and bonded to the right person is a good and beneficial state of Being. It is called true love. But it cannot happen if you are afraid of those “strings”, i.e. of attachment to someone who deserves your love.

    Yes that’s what I’m thinking! Like I believe she will make attached to her yet it would feel so natural. It wouldn’t feel like I’m giving her the control to hurt. But more like here’s my lil heart I trust you to take care of it and there would be no fear. Just thinking about making me go full of joy haha

     

    In this case, your being on guard was justified because you saw the behaviors you don’t like (some of what you mentioned is: childish, angry, drinking, smoking, sending confusing vibes). So there was a reason to be on guard and not follow your emotions, even if she seemed exciting and mysterious at first.

    So that’s cool that you didn’t throw away your rational mind but included it in the decision making. Because we need both the heart and the mind when deciding about important matters, including matters of the heart.

     

    Thanks, and I’m not regretting it. Because I want to be around the woman who make me feel like yeah good woman do exist.
    Although it’s same for woman though, I keep hearing from my female friends that there hardly good man left on earth lol

    What I was warning you about is not to stuff down your emotions in general, even if you meet a girl that you like and whose behavior doesn’t raise red flags. When things are fine, and she seems fine, but then the fear in you awakens, and you start pretending like you don’t care.

    I remember that with the doctor, you failed to write to her during your entire stay at your parents’ place, which was for more than a week, if I remember well? She was upset about it, and I’d say rightfully – because you were officially in a relationship.

    I don’t know what you felt about her, but if you failed to write because you didn’t want to seem needy and like you cared too much – that’s a defense mechanism. That’s when your avoidance stems not from proper discernment, but from fear.

    So I just wanted to make that difference.

    Yeah you’re right about that that was my mistake and I guess at that time I unconsciously just played around relationship game listening to one of my female friend. But I won’t make that mistake again. Clear communication is very important in every relationship. Romantic or Friendship. But to update you on that one nowadays I reduced my communication with friends a lot. And I only talk to one of my female friends who is quite younger than me so it kind of also helps because she make me remember my teenage days and what silly and fun things we used to do.

     

    Yes, you can allow yourself to feel, but you also don’t need to switch off your rational mind. Like, you are not completely swept off your feet that you throw away all common sense through the window. But I guess there is a little probability for the latter, since being careful, rational and on guard is your default “setting” 🙂

    Haha that’s what you think for my current “setting”? But yeah something similar I guess

    So I am encouraging you to keep using your common sense, also when it comes to romantic relationships. But also not to give in to fear if there is no real objection to the girl, but you suddenly start feeling trapped and you want out. Because that’s the fear speaking, not common sense.

    Also, I think it would be important to express if something is bothering you about the girl. For example, if she is always late, you can say “I don’t like that you are always late. I’d appreciate if you arrived on time.”

    Yes exactly instead just being angry or using the silent treatment. Like I need to express what’s really bothering me.

    Because if I understood you correctly, you have difficulty with expressing when something bothers you. You rather take it a danger signal and start withdrawing immediately, and shutting down vulnerability (as a part of your fearful avoidant attachment), rather than talking to the girl and expressing what is bothering you.

    Because she might not be doing it on purpose, but because she isn’t aware that it bothers you. And she would be willing to change that behavior if she knew it bothers you.

    But if you don’t say anything but start feeling resentful, you sort of circumvent vulnerability, because admitting that something bothers us is vulnerable. Because we might be rejected or ridiculed or told that we are too sensitive. We might be accused to being weak if we admit that something bothers us.

    Something very important! So does that mean even though I feel like I don’t need that person, Unconsciously just the fear of rejection or want for the acceptance makes me stop being vulnerable?

    I actually stumbled upon a book because of the YT called Courage to be disliked it’s already on my reading list.

    So I guess expressing our boundaries makes us vulnerable in a way. But it’s a must for communicating clearly and remaining emotionally intimate – remaining both true to ourselves (authentic) and open towards the other person.

    So we don’t betray ourselves (and our needs), but we also don’t withdraw from the person. We express what we need. That’s how emotional intimacy is maintained.

    Definitely and that balance is something I’m struggling with

     

    So I guess a part of the exercise of allowing yourself to feel your emotions, is not only allowing yourself to feel excitement about a girl, but also to feel angry and hurt about something that she is doing, that you don’t like.

    Agree and those bad emotions what I was trying to reject but it was there

    You don’t suppress your anger and pretend it’s not there (because that’s what you were doing in your first LDR), but you express what is bothering you. And then if you see they keep doing it again and again, with no regard for your feelings, and it’s something that is important to you, you may want to consider whether you want to be with that girl or not.

    Understood.

    So in general, allowing yourself to feel all emotions, not stuffing them down, is the way to go (of course, you don’t need to show your raw emotions to everyone. But feel them and acknowledge them – for yourself).

    BTW feeling all emotions is the way to decide what we want. Without being in touch with our emotions we cannot make good decisions.

    That was even scientifically proven by a neuroscientist Antonio Damasio. He discovered that in patients who had a specific brain injury, due to which their neocortex wasn’t receiving signals from their limbic and reptilian brains (our emotional brain), the person lost interpersonal skills, the ability to read social cues, as well as the ability to make decisions. Which means that we need emotions to know what is good and bad for us – we cannot rely only on our rational mind.

     

    That’s very interesting and I think that’s also has to do something with naming our emotions? Because lot of times I would be feeling lot of different things at the same time so journaling and naming and then acknowledging those emotions?

     

    If you go to youtube and search for “Crappy Childhood Fairy Daily Practice”, you’ll get several useful videos, including the one titled “FREE Course: The “Daily Practice” for Healing Childhood PTSD and CPTSD“. In the description of that video is the link to the free “Daily Practice” course. Which is basically the way to journal about your emotions. You write about things that you are afraid of and things that you are resentful about. So basically you journal about your fear and anger. And lots of good stuff comes out of it 🙂

     

    Thanks for sharing! I checked it out and I think I did try that before as well but I didn’t sticked to this habit. Now I’ll try to. And it does work very well I remember that. I also took an online CPTSD test again and the score is 38/80
    0-32 = None-low
    33-80 = Likelihood of CPTSD
    also checked again for ADHD test. It says Mild ADHD but I feel some of ADHD symptoms are quite bothersome

    And because of that I’m thinking about starting Bullet Journaling

    BTW I hope I am not burdening you with these “tractates” (because I see this ended up being a looong post again). I sometimes tend to go overboard in trying to explain my point 🙂 Anyway, let me know if I should cut down a little 🙂

    It’s fine as long as you’re okay with it. Just take care of your eyes and back too haha

    #434174
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Oh wow, congratulations! I’ve checked the Statue of Unity (didn’t even know about it), and oh my, it’s 182 m high, which is almost double the height of Statue of Liberty! Must admit, it’s not that beautiful :), but it is impressive, for sure. How did you cope with the high temperatures that were measured in India recently?

    Yup it’s not that awesomely beautiful statue. But that man helped the India how it is now otherwise it would like Europe now. So many countries. Sardar Patel made all the small and medium size to big states sign the treaty to join India. That’s why it’s called statue of Unity.

    It’s starting of the Monsoon season here, and actually because of the heat I decided to move to a city with a better weather. (I’m already in train as I’m writing this)

     

    Thanks, my back is now behaving a little better fortunately, so it’s the knee that is giving me the most trouble. I hope it’s temporary and not some big setback.

    Ah I hope so too. Try to have more calcium rich food it may work.

     

    Does it mean you’ll be living like a digital nomad, working remotely from various places, not having a fixed address? And for how long are you planning that?

    Yes. I’m planning to live as a Digital nomad as least for 2-3 years. Until I finish my travel bucket list. After that I’ll decide where I want to stay. Like good and peaceful place for a family to grow. As of now India doesn’t seem like it for long term.

    So is that what you have in mind for your next phase? Or how exactly do you envision your love life in the next phase?

    That’s a hard question to answer. And you may still think that I’m being too much hopeful. But I think love of my life will just come. If it’s written in my destiny she isn’t going anywhere. We’ll meet when the time is right. So, I don’t have like a foolproof plan for how to find love during my travel journey. But just a hope that it’ll happen.
    During the journey my work wouldn’t be finding love, but try to find my own self. Enjoy the mother nature. Be in the present and know that I’m part of this big ever-changing universe.

    I also know that during my journey I’ll also meet lot of people and I’ll create lot of connections. So who knows it could be one of them? Only time will tell.

     

    Well, if you didn’t miss her, why were you angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes?

    Because she said stuff like that and then acted like nothing happened.

     

    This doesn’t sound like you didn’t really care about her. It sounds like you care, and you are hurt and angry that she is playing hot and cold. But you pretended not to care, by replying sarcastically: “well, who’s stopping you to contact me?” You didn’t express your vulnerability (e.g. you didn’t say “I miss you too”), or your upset, by you pretended not to care whether she writes or not.

    Yes because like I said I’m being logical and seeing the end result here? Why should I put energy into those things If I don’t want go deeper into that relationship? I don’t even like her that much.

     

    That’s why I asked you to be honest with yourself. To acknowledge your feelings – not necessarily to her, but to yourself. To acknowledge that she did stir interest in you, that she does seem mysterious and exciting in a way, and that it doesn’t feel good when she is playing games with you and playing with your feelings. But also, that you don’t like her drinking and smoking and I don’t know what else you object to.

    Okay you’re right about this. I kept shutting up myself like shut up she’s not your type so don’t hype up about her, don’t think about her. Don’t get excited. But yeah, reality is she did stir interest in me a lot At first. Now that interest is faded. After knowing she keeps repeating her mistakes. She’s quite childish and angry and no improvement in her even after years of therapy. And it’s not just about her in this. But I’m being selfish here. Why should I put time and energy for this? She’s older than me. She knows what’s right and wrong. I’ll just let her be. Because if I’m in her or not it wouldn’t make much difference.

     

     

    Perhaps write it all down: everything you feel about her. Like in that exercise by Anna Runkle (youtube channel “Crappy Childhood Fairy”, her “Daily practice” exercise).

    So what I am suggesting is to be more honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. Don’t share those emotions with her – don’t show your vulnerability to her – because she might not deserve it. But be honest with yourself, allow yourself to feel those emotions, don’t stuff them down immediately.

    You’ve been stuffing down your emotions for so long, and now it’s time to let them flow – to feel them. I think you now have the capacity to let them flow through you and not be overwhelmed. You’ve grown a lot in the recent years and developed that capacity.

    Remember, you are allowed to feel those feelings, and you don’t need to hide them, because neither your mother or your father are watching you. You can feel whatever you feel, and that’s okay.

    And as I said, you can start writing down your feelings, to make them more contained and less all over the place. It’s something you do only for yourself, for your own healing.

     

    Thanks, you’re right this is something also I really need to work on. When something like this happens, I just deny my feelings, Like what? This can’t be me. So I should be more honest with myself and accept that it’s okay to simply allow those human emotions. It’s normal.

    I think there should be some good journaling course. Because there are times when I’m able to write down what I’m feeling but sometimes if I’m overwhelmed with lot of emotions at once it’s not easy to put it on paper.

    And no I won’t be vulnerable with her. Like you said because I feel like she doesn’t deserve it.

    #434144
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    I am not doing that well, since some old health issues (knee problems) resurrected again, which have magically disappeared in the last 1.5 years, since I’ve been suffering from back pain. Well now they are back, so now I need to start dealing with that too…aarrgh… I hope it’s temporary though and will get better…

    Ohh I’m sorry to hear that. Knee and back pain, both. That’s hard to deal with. I hope you find the strength to deal with that pain. Try to rest as much as you can and don’t push yourself too much. I hope your pain eases up soon.

    To get to the essence, I understand your point of view. But are you suggesting me to find someone and have a committed relationship just when I started my travelling journey? Like I mentioned I don’t want LDR again.

    I mean I know as a good mentor you’re trying to point out the things and without facing that fear maybe there wouldn’t be true healing. Because all this time I just tried to tip my toes in the river instead of actually diving in and start swimming.

    Before I wasn’t very clear , But now I know that my real fear is being vulnerable with someone I try to be intimate with. That’s something I need to work on.

    But question is should my priority right now should be only working on relationships? or my self esteem? Or the sense of feeling good enough?

    I also wanted to mention that I started reading the book from the Vex King, Good Vibes, Good Life: How Self-Love Is the Key to Unlocking Your Greatness. Only read few pages (Because my focus span is still ain’t good) and I’m enjoying it.

    So would you like to be FWB with this new girl? Have you told her that? Because as far as I know, you refused a regular relationship, but you didn’t tell her you’d like FWB, right? You weren’t really “clear and straight forward”.

    Like I said I don’t want to continue  with this girl. We’re not enemies so we can talk sometime and that’s about it. Because even for FWB I have some ground rules that I follow and she doesn’t meet that area. FWB for me is more than casual sex. and I talked to my friend who warned me about her and she said she have many options so maybe that’s why she be playing games like who wins and I don’t want to be a part of that game. and I don’t understand what’s wrong in telling “well if you miss me, why don’t you write more?” Because I didn’t missed talking to her that much.

    I’ll write second part later on.

    #433933
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    I don’t know why quoting isn’t’ working as it should be. But I’ll try to come up with a fix next time.

    #433932
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,
    How you doing?

    Sorry for little late reply.
    I finally started my travel journey! Yaaaaay!
    I started with world’s tallest statue, Statue of Unity. It was so much fun.

    It could be that if they don’t pick up immediately that something is bothering you, you feel unseen by them, and you conclude that your needs don’t matter to them, and that they might hurt you (maybe it’s not even conscious but unconscious reasoning). And from that moment on, you are on guard and you start distancing yourself.
    If so, it means that a minor slip on their part leads to a major danger alert going off in your subconscious mind. And so you switch to defense mode, where you are on alert for being hurt. And in order to prevent being hurt, you preemptively withdraw and stop being open and vulnerable. This is what might be happening.
    The reason for that is the old trauma, which causes you to make a big deal out of a minor issue. And to put up your shields.

    Okay I think this is moderately accurate. I do think that’s what might be happening

    What happened in your childhood is that your mother didn’t really care about your emotional needs: she didn’t care if your father’s anger outbursts hurt you. Moreover, she told you to accept it without any resistance. She basically told you your emotions don’t matter (in this case fear and anger), and that you should be able to control your anger and pretend that it’s not there. She told you that you should silently take the verbal “beatings” and be a good, obedient boy.
    In other words, your mother didn’t have much regard for your emotional needs. She didn’t let you have boundaries. Or to be rightfully upset for being mistreated. And it felt horrible. It felt like a prison. It felt so horrible that you left home at the age of 17.
    She didn’t let you set boundaries, and so you didn’t get the chance to learn how to set boundaries. The only way to protect yourself from being invaded was to leave. To remove yourself from the situation/relationship completely.

    Again accurate. Because boundaries felt like I’m being disobedient. Not a “good” in their perspective. So it was nearly impossible for me to put my needs first than that others.
    Like okay I started travelling yet somewhere I’m feeling guilty I’m not spending time with my siblings and family, specially my sister since she gave birth to a baby boy. even though I spent 3 months at my hometown. They told me to stay and like take care of my sister but still just listening to my grandpa nowadays boils my blood he’s old and sick so I don’t like to disrespect so I just wanted to leave. I did what’s good for myself. I raised my voice. Yet still I feel guilty for that.
    I had to told them even though I’m doing a remote job. I need lil more peaceful environment to focus on work and at home I can’t do that.

    So this is I think what’s happening: in a romantic relationship, when you feel that the person doesn’t care about your needs – and it could be that even a minor thing can trigger such a feeling – your knee-jerk reaction is to want to leave the relationship. Even if you don’t leave physically, you start withdrawing emotionally, and the intimacy is lost for you. Intimacy is not an option any more.
    So instead of working to repair the relationship – and maintain emotional connection and intimacy – you put a stop on intimacy. You block it. Even if you stay in the relationship, you stay in a self-defense mode, with your shields up (we’ve talked about the shield/armor around your heart).

    Hmm I see. Good analysis. I think it’s like the sergeant you mentioned before. Once he’s aware that there’d be an attack. All he thinks about is war. Not peace.

    And I think one aspect of this self-defense mode is the superiority/inferiority dynamic, where you feel less vulnerable if you can feel superior than your partner.
    In the relationship with your father, you felt inferior and never good enough. It seems that with a romantic partner, you never want to feel that way: worthless, unlovable, not good enough. And so you either avoid relationships altogether, or if you opt for a relationship, you want to feel better than your partner. Because that’s how you feel safe(r) from her criticism.

    Yes and also because of that my self esteem went lower so like even if I get women out of my “league” (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise) I’d just question my worth like how did I get this kind of women? She way better than me there’s no way this is gonna be long term. Sooner or later she’d know that she’s somehow “better” than me and she’d obviously choose something better and leave. And I think that’s where superiority/inferiority dynamic is happening. and because of that I mostly tried keep on edge and improving myself like lil better than her.

    I think that’s why you also want to perfect yourself as much as possible before getting married:
    [I said] Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (“she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good”)?
    [you replied] Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.
    I imagine it’s because the idea of being stuck with someone who criticizes you all the time (such as a criticizing, judgmental wife) is unbearable.
    But I think also the idea of being stuck with a woman who is full of faults, who is unaware of her issues and refuses to work on herself – is equally unbearable to you:

    Yes Exactly
    I just don’t want to deal with the women who aren’t even self aware about their traumas and not actively working on it. Because effort is something that really attractive to me. Kind of a priority.
    In your last post you said the girl should be similar to you:
    I don’t think that some damaged people but hmm more like someone I can resonate with a little, Not too much different from me so it would be easier to open up for me.
    Putting all this information together, it seems to me that your perfect partner is someone who has similar issues, i.e. someone who similarly like you doesn’t feel good enough and wants to “perfect” herself.

    Ah right Eureka moment haha! You right she kind of “Fulfil” those criteria and that’s why I felt good with her

    Now this latest girl has issues as well, possibly some similar to yours (anger), but overall, she has bigger issues than you in terms of mental health. She also seems interested in working on herself (she has been in therapy for 4 years), which is a must for you.
    So right there you’ve got 2 potential attraction points: she has similar but greater issues than you, and she is (at least in theory) interested in self-improvement.
    You also said she is mysterious:
    I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first. … She smokes, she’s dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. I tried to understood why she’s the way she is and I noticed that it’s just her coping mechanisms, At heart she’s kind and loving woman.
    It could be that you were intrigued by her anger (because it reminded you of your father), and started hoping that underneath her anger you might find a “kind and loving woman”. So she would be someone similar to your father, and yet different: someone who appears rough and angry on the outside, but is actually kind and loving underneath. This might have been a hope and the excitement that your inner child felt in the presence of this “mysterious” woman.
    Maybe I got carried away too much here. But in any case, I can see why you were intrigued by her, even if she appears the “opposite of what you like” (another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like).

    Yes that could be also the thing. But nowadays who wants to show their true self? She mentioned few times how hard it is for her to open up and being vulnerable. But she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied who’s stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel. And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isn’t sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like I’m exhausted with dating games. Like if it’s a Yes or no. and confusing vibes. With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey I’m working on myself and I can’t commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldn’t mind spending a good time with you if you’re okay with it. I want clear and straight forward things. NO BS. That way there’s also good possibility of gaining a friendship first which is must having a good time or like you know not feel alone since we’re all social creatures. And from friendship there’s also good possibility of deepen the relationship if things go well. Because I know my intentions are good and I’d prefer the same from her. and another pattern that I noticed is that if I’m good friends with a person I’d try be vulnerable with them more easily

    But just because this recent woman which I barely talked to her for like 2 weeks. We can’t say that I’m attracted to troubled people. Can we? But yeah she’s more troubled that’s for sure.
    Well, you were attracted to a troubled person in the past (your first LDR), with whom you stayed for more than 3 years. And you said she was your best LDR.
    Maybe I am looking too much into this, and I apologize if I am talking nonsense. But still, here’s what I am thinking: perhaps the reason why you considered her your best relationship is because she fulfilled the 3 criteria that I listed above: 1) similar but greater issues than you, 2) openness (at least declarative) to self-improvement and change, and 3) openness to being coached/helped by you, as someone who is “further along” on the self-development journey? Perhaps these are the “attraction points” that make you fall in love with a girl?
    Please note: this is just an assumption. Think about it, and see if it resonates at all. If yes, then it’s kind of a formula of how you fall in love, a formula which is more or less based on self-defense. It doesn’t really allow for intimacy and vulnerability.
    Let me know what you think. And I apologize if I went overboard with my assumptions and analysis.

     

    I like the word “Formula of How I Love” and no you didn’t go overboard and I request that you do. I’d prefer a brutal honestly.
    I mean it may have been somewhat true in past but I think now my formula of love has been changed. Or I at least have to meet someone so I can experiment/explore about this further.

    But I thought about it a lil and let me tell you things what kind of women attracts me the most or like kind of feeling of melting for her (Is that similar to love?)

    Similar life values & Someone who have the same priorities so we can support each other in our goals/shared goals
    Honesty & Trust – For me Love comes after those two things
    Feeling of Unconditional love – I know in past and also from my childhood I mostly felt ‘Conditional’ love. So I want to have proper feeling like what actually feels like when a person loves you unconditionally.
    I want to mention that in my 1st LDR I did feel unconditional love but not the level of reassurance that I’d like with that so it was a shaky feeling

    Kind to others (Specially animals)
    Empathic (Thanks for making me realize value for being empathic)
    Have some passion
    Creativity – I know I’m not that much creative person but I absolutely admire various kind of arts. So l like Art (Woman) creating an Art? How awesome is that? Another thing Is that I don’t know if its true or not but I think creative woman would be better at expressing her emotions. Something I can learn from her
    And above all someone who values of words and even more the actions. Because again Efforts are sexy. Show me how you love instead of just saying things.

    I know relationships aren’t about transactions. But I’m expecting these things because I know I can provide those things.

    #433615
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Hope you’re having a good weekend.

     

    I’ve watched another video by the same psychologist (Heidi Priebe), where she goes into a great detail explaining the main features of the fearful avoidant style. The video is 1 hr long, and it’s called 10 Signs You May Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style. She herself used to be fearful avoidant, so that’s her specialty and she knows a lot about it.

     

    First of all thanks a lot for putting that much time for me. You’re a truly good mentor and supporter. It’s good that if she herself used to be fearful avoidant she definitely has more insights.

    I also watched the video you suggest and I do think I’m leaning towards more avoidant style

     

    Anyway, I watched it and recognized similar features that you shared about your own behavior in relationships. Here are two signs of the fearful avoidant style that she described, which I think you’ve expressed too (her bullets are expressed in the “you” form, so I am keeping that form):

    1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment

    2. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are

    Yes I agree I can resonate with both of the points and again leaning more on avoidant side

     

    In the following, I’ll paraphrase what she said about each of these signs:

    1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment

    The false belief (based on their childhood experiences): to be in a relationship means to give up my independence and my sense of self to give endlessly of myself to the other person.

    Fearful avoidants like people and intimate connections, but they are afraid of losing their sense of self in the relationship. So they make a deal with themselves: “I’ll go into the relationship, I’ll get that hit of intimacy and a sense of connectedness, but then I am going to pull back and I’m not going to enter this relationship long term, because to be in a relationship long term means to lose my sense of self. So I’ll sacrifice my sense of self for a while, to get the intimacy I need and crave, but then I pull back because I can’t bear to lose myself on the long run”.

    They don’t realize that one can keep their sense of self and still be deeply emotionally connected to another person. They engage is merging with the other person, but at the expense of losing themselves, which is painful. So the fearful avoidant only feels comfortable in relationships when there is an expiry date. The idea of a long-term commitment, even to someone they really love, is terrifying.

    (end of paraphrase)

    You too expressed this same notion of losing yourself in the relationship, and completely focusing on the other person and their needs and wants:

    Sometimes I can’t say No to a person even though I’d like to say No. … I really fear disappointing them.

    In relationship I care too much and even if they’re little careless about their health or things that affect them or make them worry it makes me worry 3x times more and I can’t focus on my things.

    In relationships I just loose myself in the process because over caring and overthinking about partner. And it affects my mood and even the sleep…

    If I even notice even a little that what I suggested made them uncomfortable I wouldn’t hesitate to change my plans just to see them not disappointed.

    The above are the examples where you lost yourself in the relationship and started caring not to disappoint your partner, not to want anything for yourself. You also started overly caring about her physical and emotional well-being, to the point of getting enmeshed and not being able to focus on your own stuff, and even losing sleep over it. That was happening in both of your LDRs, if I remember well.

    So that’s the “hard” love that you want to avoid. The enmeshed, self-denying love, which is I guess the anxious part of your personality.

    No wonder you don’t want it. You get exhausted in such relationships. And then you go back to being alone and restoring your independence:

    I don’t like being even partially “dependent” on someone or affected by them. It could be because I like to control (It’s lot better than before but still) but not being controlled. Because I prefer some things should be my way. And It should be without judgements.

    Like I know I’m in touch with my inner child and I still do lot of things that an adult actually doesn’t do like I turned into a kid when I’m with kids, Different kind of bicycling, Singing and dancing for no reason (Lot of times while cooking, Watching Anime and Cartoons and lot of things like that). And I kind of fear they would judge me for that and not actually understand.

    When I asked you what you wouldn’t compromise, you said:

    I think my freedom and ability to do whatever I want.

    Also ability to go wherever I go. It’s like a parent would be like don’t go to hike there it’s dangerous out there and then even after she said no and I’d go I feel guilty.

    But the problem is when this independence turns into total self-reliance, which is the opposite extreme of enmeshment. Which again isn’t a healthy state. And so the goal, according to this psychologist, and I agree with her, is integration.

    Whereas now you might be prone to suppressing your emotional, overly reactive and needy part (the one that goes into enmeshment), you’d need to acknowledge it and give it more room for expression. For example, dare to speak up if something bothers you about the person’s behavior. Don’t suppress your frustration and pretend that you are so very tolerant and understanding (which you used to do in your LDRs, if I remember well). Set boundaries. Express your likes and dislikes. I don’t want to go into details in this post, but setting boundaries and expressing your dislikes would be the way to integrate your emotional, reactive part.

     

    The second feature of the fearful avoidant style, which I think also applies to you is:

    1. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are

    This is what Heidi Priebe says about it:

    People with fearful avoidant style do want emotional intimacy, but they also fear getting hurt. They are quite guarded, even if they are warm, empathic and engaging. They ask a lot of questions, but they don’t share too much about themselves (specially not the vulnerable parts). They are good listeners – they make other people comfortable and safe to express themselves and talk about deeper things. But they don’t want to share similarly deep about themselves until they are sure that the power dynamic is tipped in their favor.

    That’s because they believe that people are naturally inclined to hurt and betray each other. They don’t trust people. So the only way they are willing to open up and share vulnerable information about themselves is if they are sure that the other person is “worse off” than them, i.e. has bigger weaknesses than them. Or that the other person is more in love with them than they are with the person, and so the other person has more to lose than them.

    The fearful avoidant is always evaluating: what’s the likelihood that this person is safe for me to open up to. But their indicators of safety are not that the person is warm and kind and comforting, but it’s more likely to be something like: “this person has already shown me all of their cards, so now I can flip over mine, knowing that their issues are bigger than mine”.

    People with fearful avoidant style usually don’t pursue, but wait to be pursued. Because pursuing/chasing someone requires vulnerability, which fearful avoidants don’t want to show.

    (end of paraphrase)

    You talked about not wanting to be too vulnerable with your partner (in your LDRs). You also mentioned feeling inferior (at least in the beginning) with the doctor. And you were attracted to troubled people, whom you perhaps unconsciously saw as weaker, or with more problems, than yourself.

    So perhaps the tendency to get attracted to problematic girls is a part of this need to not feel judged by your partner, because you kind of feel “better” than them, and thus safer from their criticism and their ability to hurt you (which would be a defense against the wound your father inflicted upon you, criticizing you for your “weaknesses” and your “imperfections”). I am not claiming this, but it is a possibility.

     

    Anyway, it seems to me you do fit some of the features of the fearful avoidant style. And the good news is that it can be healed – via integration. Integration of the emotionally reactive, angry and needy part (which you are perhaps ashamed of and want to keep hidden from people) into your main personality. By allowing yourself to say No and have boundaries, basically.

    Let me know how all of this sounds?

    Those are very good insights so thanks for pointing that out and the thing is that I’m trying to create a healthy boundaries but most of the time what is still happening that If I get a minor inconvenience or feel like they’re not respecting my boundaries even once or twice I distance myself from them and after that I kinda feel much less connected to them. Because something I really hate is repeating myself so like if I get vulnerable with them and say look this is what’s bothering me so it would be better if you be aware next time. And after that they still do that the respect I have for them starts to fade. Because I’m very strict when it comes to other people’s boundaries. And not in just romantic relationships but friendships as well.

    And the thing is that it’s draining for me.

    About the angry part I think I’m getting better like the recent things I told you I’m not suprassing my anger like before.

    But the needy part? That’s kinda hard I hate to kinda express people I need them. It does feel better when I know that I can be dependable (Not 100%) but to be honest in all this time life kept gave me reminders that I can only depend on myself so that’s why that part is hard for me. I do have some good friends but if I think deep enough I feel like really don’t want to be vulnerable with them that much. Does that mean I need friends? And I don’t think that some damaged people but hmm more like someone I can resonate with a little, Not too much different from me so it would be easier to open up for me.

     

    Also about the troubled people part, I don’t actually see them weaker like I said I stopped that kinda comparing while ago. But yeah maybe subconsciously. And I also agree with her on the Power Dynamics because that’s what I did in the part. I liked control. But just because this recent woman which I barely talked to her for like 2 weeks. We can’t say that I’m attracted to troubled people. Can we? But yeah she’s more troubled that’s for sure. And nowadays who isn’t troubled more or less everyone is troubled. Everyone is trying to fight their demons and heal. I just don’t want to deal with the women who aren’t even self aware about their traumas and not actively working on it. Because effort is something that really attractive to me. Kind of a priority. Because I did noticed that when I don’t see efforts I also lost interest quite fast. One of the reasons why I broke up with one of the Best LDR I had. Because I felt like I was the only one putting the efforts there. and that’s why in 2nd LDR I sensed like I don’t want to deal with the same thing because I felt like she wouldn’t even put the effort more than the previous one. so I broke up with her as well. and now I’m not interested in LDR at all. and now I crave physical intimacy more than anything. Hand holding. cuddling, kissing and just playful activities together etc.

    #433352
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,
    Thanks for sharing. I’ll watch the video and share my thoughts with you.

    #433319
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    I think doctor was able to get really close to my heart. But there was fear of intimacy. fearful avoidant attachment style you know.

    and I guess also part that I wanted something more again because I did enjoyed when we doing different things together. But then I got bored and after that because of the job anxiety I totally ignored her.

    #433318
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

     

    So the doctor didn’t touch your heart? Or she did, but she wasn’t able to break down the walls in your heart?

    You see – it’s not about the woman. It’s about you. If you fear (either intimacy, or losing something good and hurting afterwards), then you will keep those walls up, even if it’s the best thing that ever happened to you.

    If fear prevails, no woman will be able to break down the walls of your heart. The person who needs to do it is you.

     

    Yes I know it’s about me. and when talking to one of my friend after a while I think there could be some different thing playing role in this. I thought I had just mild ADHD but it I think it increased to moderate. Because my dopamine levels would low most of the time and I would keep seek novelty. That’s why maybe I’m just getting more curious at first and then when there’s no novelty like I know enough I get bored and move on to next

    #433317
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.
    And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! That’s the spirit! You didn’t feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!

    Thanks! I think I’m finally able to start working on my new identity shift

    So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldn’t provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldn’t explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).

    How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?
    So for that matter it’s like 10 days now. And I think there’s no feeling of guilt. Although My father does started to tell my mom (Not to me or my brother directly) that we’re not obedient like before. We siblings talk back a lot. And My mother still just listens to that. But she did told me that if you think it’s hurting you then speak up I didn’t speak up in all these years so I don’t speak up or just rarely.

    It seems the inner protector – the inner Uncle Iroh – has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?
    Hmm I think Yes. But because of his patterns I knew what he’s going to do so I sorta decided that this time I won’t be silent I’ll speak up. So I guess Inner voice helped me to stand up for myself?

    Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think it’s wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.
    Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other people’s abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.
    Yes! Thanks for the reminder

    Yess! That was a great success – your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.
    Yes actually this is a big point for my identity shift because of my past failures I was considering myself as a failure

    Okay, it could be that some “rewriting” of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, you’ve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some “rewriting” has happened for sure.
    Yes I definitely think so, and there are some other “rewritings” are needed to remove the old beliefs

    Is there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?
    No I don’t think I need validation from them.

    Do you feel that you still don’t believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?
    Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the “good old” (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you you’re not good enough?
    Yes I think maybe it’s that. How to tackle that and make the newly found voice stronger?
    I’m slowly starting to believe about some positive things about myself but I do still have kind of inferiority complex even though I don’t compare myself to others

    You mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner “validator” is not strong enough?
    Yes Exactly

    What exactly do you feel you are missing right now?
    That’s the thing. I’m not sure sometimes I feel like I need to befriend with myself so I don’t feel alone or just self-sabotage and waste time

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