Kkasxo, glad you understood where I was coming from. It’s not always easy but so worth it.  I’m actually glad to hear you can recognise you don’t love Mr Arsehole ( I’m going to short-cut him to Mr A2 I think !) , as I figure admitting that must be pretty scary.  It may be a rough patch – for sure we’ve had them and cards on table I’ve had times I didn’t think it was going to work out for us – and it was only by talking, being willing to listen, being open to seeing things differently and as importantly acting on them we’ve grown into what we are now, though at the grand old age of 43 I’m sure I still have a lot to learn yet!  But it’s that last bit about acting on them which as you identified is so important – people can say all the right things and in agree in theory but it’s actions that count and they count the most when you actually face those situations.  Which is why it’s so painful to see Mr A2  everytime a situation comes up for you guys these days not Mr A1. It’s worth all the effort to find out if Mr A1 is still in there but if he’s not open to talking further, that’s going to be hard. I’d just continue to be clear from your side as to what is ok and what isn’t, without recriminations or accusations, just as facts. I.e. a behaviour isn’t ‘wrong’ per se, it just isn’t a behaviour you expect from a partner in your life. So his choice is to either stay the same or recognise that continuing that behaviour has the eventual consequence of losing your love.

Shelby – you do know it’s ok to say no right… that’s a lot on and time to yourself is as important as helping others. I’d have a stab at working out how much time you want for yourself, even if you have plans to do anything with it – else you are going to be burned out and resentful before you know it, if not already.

I wasn’t actually even thinking about you finding someone else like me, you are clearly still wrapped up in this current guy. I was interested to understand what the gaps actually were between what you want from this relationship and what he doesn’t. If I understand correctly, the reason you split before was that he couldn’t commit to moving in with you – had you also discussed children, do you know if he wants them or not?  Has he actually said he doesn’t want to live with you?  What are your expectations of living together vs his – i.e. I assume he’d still want to run off and do these kinds of trips with family, all his current life commitments. Are you expecting that to change if you lived together?  A lot of questions! Just trying to help drill down into how you see your ideal future together to be able to understand how it compares to the reality of what is on offer from this guy. Take care eh, put those feet up at some point..

Hey Kkasxo – top timing – your post came through just as I pressed submit here!

I love your ex’s/non-ex new name – subtle and evocative…did make me laugh. Though aware it’s not funny at all and you’ve described it perfectly, the opening of your eyes to the reality of him – it’s been coming through louder and louder in your posts this year, which is why I was curious if he was making you happier overall or not. Understand the deep connection from the past but I think it’s a big step you can recognise both the good and the bad – essentially the reality and not just what you wish it was/could be. Huge huge step.  And good job on trying to talk to him about it, does sound like he needs to decide if he wants to grow or not. Absolutely spot on about the what’s the point of him being your life partner if not, I know 200% my partner will be there for me if I really need him, even when I’m not great at accepting help, and he’s not just there for the good times.  Let’s see what he comes back with.  Really good to hear from you as ever.

I did try to pack some sunshine but customs wouldn’t let me bring it through…..sorry! It’s so quiet back here too having got used to the soundtrack of Vietnam – and so expensive! But it’s lovely being back in our home, though odd how much stuff you feel you have after living out of a backpack for the last 8 weeks!

Hi both, sorry for the silence, long trek back from Vietnam to England, home safely now. It’s cold…but at least it’s sunny.

Kkasxo – I don’t think anything can ever really prepare you for the shocking reality of death, it’s inescapability, the finality. Well done on still being strong enough to provide such help and support in their time of need, it made a difference and that is invaluable.  I think death is such a kick to us all to make the most of life, living truly and honestly as anything else is a waste.  No, you aren’t over-reacting about your ex’s(?) reaction in my mind anyway – actions speak loudest and he clearly prioritised his fun over supporting you with your pain. Not exactly ideal for the support you’d want from a long-term, loving relationship, can understand entirely why that reality would hurt, especially at a low point you just don’t need that.  As ever, here if you need me, if I can help.

Shelby, how goes it now? It’s good he’s texting you etc at least, that has to be better communication than before?  I didn’t really understand what you meant by this bit though ” I guess I just feel sad that no-one has any hope whatsoever for myself and my ex and I guess that hurts because it makes me feel like I’m less than I am.”??  One, it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks, sure we all don’t want to see you get hurt again since we can see no reason/evidence that either of you has changed to think that it will end differently this time around – but we aren’t you, it’s only you and him who need to have hope. There is no reason you would be any less of a person if it breaks up again than before??  It’s not like because he rejects you, you become worth less in any else’s view?? What am I misunderstanding here?

Exactly – I love wandering around markets and even supermarkets when I’m away, easily spending ages guessing what the various things are, especially in the food sections. The mish mash of smells, colours is just totally fascinating. I think that’s a big part of why it’s so much easier to live in the moment when travelling, it’s not that you leave your issues at home but that there is so much that is different and interesting to absorb your brain that it’s relaxing without even trying.  I love pretty much everything about travelling and will happily spend hours researching the trip before I go just because it’s fun, curled up on the sofa, glass of wine in hand and laptop in the other!  It’s also a really good way for me to practice not always having to be in control – things don’t always work out how I planned/hoped/expected and so I’ve learnt (/learning still…!! ) to roll with it and accept it as is, go with it and you know what – it always works out fine, often even better! Just like life really…  Do you have a list of places you want to see when you go to Aus, would really love to know what your plans are??

It’s good he contacted you, I’ll let him off a little then 😉  But yeah, game-playing never gets you anywhere – the more honest you are about what you want, however scary it is to be open & honest, exposing yourself to rejection – the better the communication between you guys will be. I’m still not convinced that getting back with him now is in your best long-term interests but so long as you are keeping up that balanced life, seeing friends and making your travel plans, I get why you want to go round the loop again.

Kkasxo m’dear – how are you doing today??  What have you been up to this weekend? Still here for you – hoping you guys are making sure it’s sunny for when I come back next week 🙂

Hey – wonderful to hear from you again Kkasxo, though sad to read how much you’ve been struggling again. I’m not convinced any of us can ever know exactly where things are going or where it ends but I think I understand what you mean.  I can understand feeling like you don’t have the energy to fight anymore and tbh I don’t think fighting against something often works anyway, it just ends up with you being exhausted eventually, and the stronger you are it just takes longer to get there.

So I think accepting it is actually a step forwards bizarrely, as it is only when you accept you are at the bottom and effectively give up that you actually are freed to move forwards, not expecting anything, not forcing anything, just being. That’s how it has always panned out for me anyway. And then at some future point you suddenly realise that by not trying to fight it, not trying to be better, you have somehow come through it. I’m not giving up hope for you and we’ll be here when we can help or just to listen, whatever you need. It’s just good to hear from you.

Ah Shelby, jaw must have literally dropped eh, glad you didn’t waste any tea though… I’m also glad you at least told him it’s not exactly a brilliant way to treat you after your weekend…. Though I’m a bit confused, I thought he didn’t initiate any contact after the weekend as that’s why you eventually had to cave in to doing so – but you mention he thought you weren’t interested as he’d reached out twice? Weird – and defn need to communicate better. Is he going to stay in touch whilst he travels?

We’re in our last place now before we return to the UK next week. It’s such a wonderful way to explore the world, slowly, no hurry, simple decisions – it really does bring back life to the basics of ‘where are we sleeping and what are we eating – and do I have any clean socks……!!’  The markets here are great fun, I’m somehow the better haggler than my other half so I’ve been practicing that and it’s actually quite good fun if you keep it respectful and remember how much better off we are. I’m not much of a shopper so it’s funny when they get all excited at first and then realise no, I really do mean it, I am really quite happy with just buying the one pair of sandals as my other ones have finally literally fallen to pieces….will be wandering off the beach in a bit, find some lunch…..they do awesome sandwiches here for less than a £1 with beer, tough life eh…

Well, there is a difference. In this club, serious intellectual discussions do occur, naturally who I am (in the world) is brought centre-stage.

So, curious – in my view, a good intellectual argument should stand on it’s own merit, without needing to be backed by stating your credentials to be able to make such a case.  Agree, some clubs do set store by such things, though I would contest it detracts from the intellectual debate, not adds.  Therefore you should be able to be the same person in both environments, i.e. yourself.

Regardless, I don’t think that is your real question here, which is what are you really upset about? Seems to me you hoping for simple confirmation that everybody else is ‘at fault’ and you are in the right behaving as you do and therefore no need to change. Though for someone as allegedly confident and secure as yourself, it is unusual to be upset by such comments as these. Is it the rejection from this guy specifically, who you had from your perspective invested time and effort in and hence surprised it was not reciprocated – or a feeling you are not really accepted in the wider club?  As in your quote (2) – what is it that is bothering you about these interactions/comments that may be unresolved issues you have yourself. You are clearly aware that answers usually lie within on these areas, not external.

As a Debator and consultant, you will be more than aware that making a good argument is only half the battle, being able to get people to buy into it and accept it is the challenge. I know both the arrogant and non-arrogant types you mention and I know who gets the most success long term. Why do you think people don’t take the time to get you know to realise you are not one of the arrogant ones and turn down your invites? I would suspect it’s related to “I know (for a whole lot of reasons) that I need to be more sociable, make the first move, show interest in others“. That would be a good place to start, what are the ‘whole lot of reasons’?

Hi Ashley,

I’ve both worked with, managed and known many people in your situation with similar achievements. As such, one thing I would say – there tend to be two camps, there are those who tend not to mention them and you find out almost by accident one day some of the amazing things they have done and those who like to bring them centre-stage, here, this is me and all I have done.  The second way can very easily come across as condescending even if not meant as such. I suspect that when you go to your Casbah area, you are not talking about these achievements, you are simply being yourself – i.e. more like the first camp of people.

To me, it sounds like you are using your achievements as a bit of a shield against insecurity still held that you don’t actually fit at this club, often the way with people who have had to fight hard for them in a group of people who have perhaps gained them more easily, more naturally part of the “club” ( right schools, connections, holidays you know what I mean here ).  There is absolutely nothing wrong with a healthy debate – but it involves listening as much as talking, being open yourself to change, not simply looking to prove others wrong, however right you believe your own logical arguments/points to be.

Sound at all familiar?

Morning all.

So, loving Vietnam….food is way too good and had my cheapest beer ever yesterday ( on tall chairs you’ll be glad to hear…! )  – 24p/pint equiv! Mad.  It’s a beautiful place, set on a river, rice-fields all around, stunning sunlight and then full of Asia crazy – though coming from Cambodia it actually seems calmer to me.  But there’s plenty of wide-eyed scared looking tourists, especially when faced with crossing a road which is a new skill we’ve learned where you don’t actually wait for gap but just move slowly and steadily across and let it flow round you!  And if anyone ever wants to get some practice in self-assertiveness to say ‘No’, this is your place!

Shelby, great to hear back from you. So are you guys back together again romantically, did I get that right?  I hope it is bringing you what you wanted if so.  One thought for you – did you consider saying no to the extra night when he said he was then available?  It just seems at times that it is his life that determines when/if you will see each other, i.e. when his family/work/another are not demanding him, then you can have Shelby-time. It would perhaps be better for your own self-esteem to not always be instantly available just because he is.  After all, it is not like you don’t have plenty of other things like your coursework and visiting your friend that you wanted to get done, i.e. priorities for your own wider life.  I’m not into playing games at all so this isn’t about getting him to chase you by not always being so available – it just occurred to me that it would be one way to be different this time around , to not become so dependent on this relationship again and maintain your own life, see friends etc. Plus, then, if it doesn’t work out how you want it to – you are not so back at square one either. Worth thinking about.

Kkasxo – glad the image made you smile, I did likewise giggle at the uncooked chicken description 🙂  but sorry to hear it’s been a tougher week on the PTSD front.  From what I understand of it, the only way through is to work on loosening the strength of the emotions by facing them at a pace you are comfortable with, something I trust your therapist is helping with. But it is not surprising that they are stronger as you find yourself in decreasing security with your family moving on and needing to move homes – both events that would unsettle people themselves. I’d try to come up with a healthy routine ( all the ‘boring’ stuff, sleep, exercise, walks in nature, limited alcohol etc ) and embed it so strongly so that you can keep that going whilst everything changes, to help your brain feel safe as it can. And as ever – less thinking about the future and just stick to the one thing at a time.  Often it’s the strongest people who get hit hardest as they’ve never had to deal with a situation they couldn’t control/manage. You sound like you are in a classic case of withdrawing from the world to try to find a safe corner to hide, to be safe, and perhaps to avoid dealing with what at some point must be dealt with to get past this. I don’t have anything in the same league of depth of feeling but I do understand the stuck feeling – for me it’s always been when I have to make a decision and whilst I am to/fro-ing and trying to logically work out the pros/cons etc it’s horrible – eventually though it becomes clear that there is a choice which just feels ‘right’ but it’s usually whichever one I’m most scared of. Then I screw up my courage, make my decision, go for it and magically all the stress and stuckness clears and I’m moving forwards again. Hopefully as your living situation becomes clearer the PTSD will lessen again and it will be easier to deal with it. I won’t say you can have the old Kkasxo back as I don’t think you can go backwards – but I do totally believe you can get past this by working through it as/when the time is right and become a new/improved/even better Kkasxo. Hope this forum helps in the meantime – you have a safe place here, you know that.