gender stereotypes aren’t really fitting for anyone.

thanks Xenopus Tex. I feel that it started with insecurity due to gender stereotypes. I hate it when people assume that I like shopping, clothes and jewelry just b/c I look a certain way. People are quick to come up with the words of “tomboy” when they find out that I like to play competitive sports, go fishing, want to learn hunting and go camping. when did the origin of these words come to mean what they are now? ‘tomboy’ used to mean a belligerent boy in the old days. i am still working on trying not to please people and work on being myself, but it can be hard at times. i was raised in my family to be tough no matter what. when i was younger, i remember i played sports but often wore skirts and ran out in nature. as i grew older i began to partake in more competitive sports and began to wear more shorts since it was easier to play sports in them. it didn’t matter to me what gender i was then, i was just myself until i got to middle school where i was bullied, in high school i decided to become a better person and not let the bullies get to me and i spent a process of healing and i was pretty much healed until the summer of my sophomore year when a guy was sexist and saying that women should not play sports or have education to be a scientist, the should be housewives. i didn’t think much of it until something similar happened in junior year. now out in public, all i can think of is my insecurity and thinking that people don’t like me b/c I don’t care about the gender stereotypes. I don’t want to think all men have to be strong and be good at mechanics nor do girls have to be pretty like shopping and clothes b/c i don’t fit either stereotype. i am sick of people telling me how to act to what they feel is appropriate for gender types. as i have gotten older, the relationship with my mom has deteriorated somewhat since i have realized she has different values on how girls should act. she enjoys shopping and jewelry and i realize her personality and mine are total opposites. i have gone from being confident about how i was to someone who just wants to avoid anyone and everyone and hide myself. i still enjoy playing sports, but i don’t wear skirts as often as i used to and i wear shorts instead. i try to hide myself and switch between gender types depending on the situation. there are times when i feel safer pretending to be a male, even have a sense of strength and other times when i enjoy being female. this sense of duality between genders and the constant clash with me struggling against societal gender roles is making me confused on who i am. are my values truly the ones i have or have i been conditioned by society that way? i think i have a personal grudge against being female b/c i don’t want to be like my mom. my mom has a short temper and can be very judgmental of people and i’m the opposite of that. people assume that since i am female, i tend to like similar things like my mom, but i don’t. i tend to be more like my dad in interests esp. when it comes to my science aspect.

i agree with you anita, i often deal with criticisms so i elevate myself higher into h=the clouds where i just see a white screen and my wings touch the sun. i want to find a way to stop having a war with what my heart feels and what my brain thinks. my heart will say “stop beating yourself down, you’ll be okay!” but my brain will argue “no, you have to learn to do this. you have to do this. you have to be perfect in everyone’s eyes!” i would like to listen to the voice in my heart and find who i am without my mind trying to outdo me.

cool, i didn’t know Earl Grey was a tea:) I like snickerdoodles best and gingersnaps, but chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin, the two most popular are fine as well. i realize that not everyone judges me harshly, it’s just my inner bully making me think that when someone looks at me, they are seeing the negative. one of the teachers today said they were glad to see me smile and laugh b/c i don’t smile often. when i am alone, i tend to dance and smile, but out in public i feel as if i’m being judged negatively so it’s like i put up a wall. but most people think i’m a good person, there are some people who think i am a confident person and don’t see the insecurity. most of the time my brain is strained from school so i don’t smile often or it’s my inner bully making me feel insecure. i am learning about how to map where genes go on a chromosome whether they are linked together or separated and it’s a bit complex, but i like science so i’m hoping i will get it soon. i am working on understanding calculating the area under functions using left-endpoint rectangles, right-endpoint rectangles and midpoint rectangles (i understand the first two, but i’m still trying to understand the last one.) the new section we started in ap calc today has to do with solving the area using geometry and i tend to struggle a bit trying to recall geometry formulas. i also have 2.5 projects for java to do and i wish the class was a little quieter. i’m just a bit strained in school and somehow my financial aid application for college might have gone wrong b/c i just received an email saying that i’m missing something.

thanks anita, i think most people lose their gender identity b/c of stereotypes they are exposed to or harsh criticisms from their family/peers. here is a quote: “it only affects you if you believe what they say, if you don’t believe then it doesn’t matter.” so i think that only you decide what choices and facts you will believe and leave the ones that don’t apply behind. but sometimes it can be hard to find what you believe and what has been instilled in you.

On a lighter note, here is the poem (strength without aggression toward the inner bullies and the worldly critics):

“Soul Fire”

When the flame ignites

You all add fuel to the fire

As the flames climb into the clouds, all that I needed was the one thing I wasn’t sure I could find

Caught in the burning glow, I let myself become alight with flame

Burning away who I once was and stepping into who I truly am

Arising from the ashes, letting the smoke of forgiveness rise

With each match the world critics and inner bully ignite, they burn away layer by layer

Yet like iron tempered by fire, I become stronger

I won’t change myself to be good enough for someone else

And all their insults and curses add gasoline to the flames as they try to burn me again

Yet this time, I have the fire of strength within me

As the flames climb, I throw water upon them

Watch as the smoke of letting go arises and as the coals of what has been smolder and die out

I will not be caught in the fiery temper and burned each time

Within me is a soul fire, a strength within me that will light me to my purpose

So light your matches, but you won’t diminish the inner light

With each layer you burn away, I step closer to my soul fire

It is a fire that will light up the world

The worldly critics and inner bully only bring ash and ruin

So I give them back their hate

Erase myself and wash away all the lies I made myself believe

Glow with the inner fire of my soul

i am a healer carrying the sadness and fear of others to the light to let them go

Anytime I can’t say what’s on my mind

I relax and reattach to my angelic self

And I feel the divine fire within again

And we feel one again

For as long as my heart is beating, my wings keep fluttering and I fly above this world watching for anyone who needs my help

I can’t say how long I’ve been encased in illusion

But I feel home at last

As long as my mind thinks, you can take away all of who you think I am, but what’s left is my soul in its radiant grace

You cannot take away the freedom of myself to choose my own life, to forge my own path and follow my own beliefs

With each layer you take away, you reveal more of my soul fire

You only attack what’s physical and as the layers are peeled away, I am me and stronger at my soul

I tried in my life to make everyone happy while I just hurt and hide

I guess I forgot I had a choice; I let the inner bullies and the worldly critics push me to the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

I let their hate and lies become who I was

But now I stretch my arms to the heavens and declare:

‘Let this earth angel unfurl her wings, awaken the fire in her heart and light up the world with her authentic voice.
For as long as I am still breathing and my mind keeps thinking, this earth angel is going to follow her heart home!”

In this farewell, I say goodbye to the ashes of my former self

Wash the regrets off my hands

And become whole again

I let the soul fire light me up in the warmest glow

And the soul fire carries me higher past the fears and doubts that have weighed me down

Taking me higher to a place where I’m alive

To a place of healing and where I can let go

Cause I’m only a castle of glass and I can break like the others

But at the cracks I can let the light in

I might never be the one to fix a leaky faucet or pave the roof but I can be the one who offers you comfort when you are down

I might never be the one who knows all of the life skills such as finances and map readings, but I can be the one to guide you when you are lost and hold you up when you can’t rise

I might never be the one who is a professional athlete, but I can be the one who as a scientist helps research for new health and environmental cures

I don’t want to be the person who battles constantly with societal values because I just want to be okay with who I am

I have my own soul fire and it burns bright

You can break every light in me, but in the darkest parts there resides a flame that won’t be quenched

You can cause ruin and ashes, but you won’t break the fire within

The soul fire burns through me now

The hate that touches me is burned away

So what if there are worldly critics and inner bullies?

What do you care what they think of you?

Every minute you spend in anger , you lose 60 seconds of happiness (math analogy)

Every time you are angry, you are saying to the worldly critics and inner bullies “Here take my happiness as I fill up with hate.”

No I’m not going to hurt anymore!

The inner bullies and worldly critics can take their hatred back.

I’ve already walked through the door of happiness

Left all of this behind and reignited my soul fire

I used to fly on the wings of death, work with the hands of doom, and saw the darkest lights but that only left me in the desolate valley of darkness

On the wings of life, by the hands of hope and radiating the brightest light from my soul fire, I will shine and cross seas and mountains to stand one with myself

My flame, My Spark, My Soul Fire

Authentic Truth and Purpose

I won’t be held back anymore

As my wings unfurl and I’m off dashing into the heavens

thanks anita, i agree that our society has slightly ‘brainwashed’ different genders to behave a certain way. the stereotype is that men are more likely to be interested in cars and tools while women into fashion and shopping. but i am neither, i like tools and cars, but i’m not really mechanical-minded nor do i care much about fashion or shopping unless it is for food. I am currently reading The Full Spectrum on LGBT and questioning of sexual identity by David Levithan and Billy Merrell which talks about the stories of teens trying to figure out their sexual orientation and coming to terms with it. Two stories stick out personally and they are “It’s Not Confidential, I’ve got Potential” by Eugenides Fico and “Trans-adventures of a F2M” by Alexzander Colin Rasmussen. In the first story, the narrator says that she dresses like a male at times because she hates societal conventions of females. She says that she rarely dresses feminine and during the rare times she does, she is just embracing who she is as a person regardless of gender. Here is a quote that she says that describes me at times “There’s a small dilemma every time I’m in a situation that doesn’t feel safe. My feminine training kicks in, cataloging exits and escape routes. But my masculine enforcement tries to compensate for my lack of confidence by putting more bravado than I can hope to defend.” I remember when I was younger, I enjoyed wearing skirts and running out in nature, but because of societal ideals i tend to have changed. i still like nature, but i wear shorts instead. As she got older, the narrator of the first story says “The problem is that people are too intent to categorize me as a person who enjoys shopping, makeup and boys, simply because I look a certain way.” The second story talks about a narrator who underwent a sex-change from female to male. before she did that she faced a lot of trauma in her life. her father was never really there and her mother abused drugs and she was emotionally neglected. she also saw her father in the rare times he was there beat her mother. i think this was the beginning of the notion, she would be safer as a guy. she and her sister were sent into their grandmother’s care. she heard her sister fight with her grandmother a lot and her grandmother would press on her to be the sensible and perfect one. when she lost her sister, the narrator of the second story was devastated. she didn’t like anything about herself or her life around her grandmother b/c she was expected to be perfect in health and in academics. when she brought home a paper with an A, her grandmother would say “Why not an A+?” all this made her self-esteem feel quite low. i think she also didn’t want to be female after what happened to her sister as well, so she went to the hospital to change herself to ALex instead. now he (changed) is happier and realizes that when people tell him that there is something he can’t do, he’ll be even more perseverant to do it.

i have a friend who identifies with being gender fluid. my friend doesn’t like gender roles in society that females have to be weak or males have to be strong. there are times when my friend acts as a male b/c my friend feels stronger that way and there are times when she acts as a female b/c she thinks its fun. but my friend classifies as genderless b/c my friend thinks that all people are the same deep down in their souls regardless of gender. i think i agree with my friend, i may also be like my friend being gender fluid. b/c there are times when i act more like a guy or there are times when i am like a girl and i don’t care either way. a person is a person regardless of what gender they are. what matters is the soul inside.