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I said that we both need to talk to people and that it’d make us feel better. He said he already has spoken to people, but that was a while go. I think he might consider going again.
I’ve been seeing a lot of signs around me these passed two days, whether it’s song lyrics, signs in the street, sentences that I over heard people saying, songs that come on, posts I see on Instagram. They all say that time is really worth everything.
I hope he takes his time to know that he can be loved. I told him what you said, how he thinks the love people already give him isn’t genuine, so he guilts people giving him more love. It all comes from his friends, family and experience in general. I told him that he can be loved, all he has to do is accept it and not question it. I felt like I sounded like his therapist this night, but I really hope he takes my words to heart.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Sierra.
I was working today and I saw him. I took his order for his food, and I really tried not to break down the rest of the shift. I admit I cried in the bathroom a little. He was working a shift tonight too. It’s weird because my mom decided to randomly visit me at work, and she asked if he and was there. I said no and I did not think he worked. And then my mom leaves, a few seconds later he walks in. He said he saw her. It’s just these coincidences are crazy to me. Maybe because it’s all still fresh.
I hope this time we need is worth it
So we met up in person and. That was the longer hour of my life, I was shaking, my heart was racing and I felt a pit in my stomach. He came out of the class and then we walked somewhere quiet. We exchanged gifts and we got to talking.
I wasnt going to mention the things he’s done to me, I thought maybe time would show him. But I think I did the right thing.
I told him about the manipulating, the guilt. I told him about what he said at the party. He was shocked saying he didn’t even realize he said it and that he maybe expressed a lot when he was drunk. And then he openly told me that he’d make me feel guilt, but he thought it’d make me want to stay more. I truly saw that he felt terrible. And then I asked him if maybe there’s an angry guy on the inside, who doesn’t believe when people love him. He was hesitant, and he said there was. He told me that he’s mad and mean on the inside but he doesn’t know why. He said all he wants to do is to be nice to people but no one really shows him love back. I asked him why and he said “I honestly don’t know”. I then told him that maybe he also needs this time to reflect upon himself.
We then acted romantically. This may seem like a step backwards, but it made us both want to work on ourselves. He admitted to me that he actually thinks that this time is really needed for him because he realized that he was a part of why I ended things. I didn’t wanna guilt him, but I was happy he knew.
I do see a real future with him. I know deep down that we both need work on our inner conflicts before bringing them out in a relationship. I’m glad he acknowledged. We fit very well together like no one else, but we both know this isn’t our time. We need to be away from each other to grow. He told me he has sad thoughts and the last thing I wanna do is make him feel worse. I want him to breathe and just reflect. I wanna do the same for me.
His family isn’t too fond of me; his dad is angry that we’re just working on ourselves for our future. I told him to not wait for me cause that will not help him grow at all. It needs to be a natural spontaneous reconnection, only if it’s meent to be.
Heres another crazy thing:
He is not a writer. Neither am I. He told me he kept a diary and wrote in it at the beginning of our relationship. He then said that after many months, the first time he wrote in it was on the 14th. It baffles me because I’m not a writer, and the first time I wrote a letter for him was on the 14th. We both said it helped us release our thoughts. It’s crazy cause we’ve confessed almost the same thoughts and I think we fit well. I still know I’m ready to date now, so I’m not forcing it.
We cut connections, and now we have to just think in our own. I’ll only go back to him when or if I’m ready. That’s how I’m looking at it. I’ll move on but I won’t forget about him.
Tell me what you think!
I know I won’t regret it,
i also need a little advice for my ups and downs. This morning I was very up, looking forward, and 30 minutes ago I was. And then I suddenly felt low.
I’m going to see him later to exchange our things. It might be a bad idea, maybe good.
I guess it’ll take time before my highs and lows stop, but it’s hard.
I can update you on how the exchange goes if you’d like.
All of what you said is very true. I agree. I even read it to my mother, and she agreed.
last night I had a heart renching talk with my mom, she said that she knows I don’t wanna move on for some reason, and I’ll be stuck in this dark place. I told her why I was afraid to move forward (due to forgetting the past, losing memories, my high school crush on him, etc).
I woke up feeling great. I agree that the only way we can possibly have a future is through years of us doing our own thing and living our lives, and maybe we can speak and see. He changes his ways and I change mine. Separately.
Today he texted me asking for his sweater and things back. We then spoke more and we want to exchange the gifts we bought for one another. We talked about all the things we wish we could’ve done. My mom said it’s bad to dwell on the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s, and the ‘If only’s, or the ‘I wish.’” But this actually helped me feel a lot better.
I’ve also been writing letters, to him, and it makes me feel better too. I get everything off my chest. He doesn’t know I’m writing them and I can chose whether I give them to him.
I feel quite positive about the future. I know I need to move forward and focus on me. If life wants us to be, it’ll make us be. I’ve accepted that.
And your advice has been more than helpful! I need someone like you as a person therapist :’)
Thank you so much!
I’ll be waiting:)
In context to my friend, I was afraid that she was going through a depression phase. I also thought she was mad at me, because sometimes she’d be disappointed because I’d cancel plans or never ask to chill. I was just sad that she was sad, so it paranoid me to think she disliked me and my friends.
In context of the guy,
I feel like I failed him. As much as I want to stay, mentally I’m not okay. I do think that he’ll mature and I’ll mature and that’s when we’d be the best. The timing was not ours.
It saddens me to think that he’s going to have to experience with another woman in order to grow relationship wise. It saddens me that I might find someone else, cause that means I have forgotten about him and moved on.
My mom said that nothing is set in stone. I hope that is true. I hope that we can find ourselves.
we had so much in common and stuff that weren’t in common, that it was like a perfect balance. He saw flaws in differences, but sometimes we can learn from differences.
I also became paranoid and stressed with him, because sometimes I wanted to end it, then I wouldn’t. And next thing you know I was scared he was going to end it, so I’d worry when he just answered “hey”, cause I thought he was finally fired of me.
i tend to stress about my relationships easily.
It’s a great feeling. I saw that when I did the little things, he’d smile to himself, and I’d smile at him smile. I loved those moments. I wished I did them more often cause they didn’t feel forced, they felt great. I just hesitated.
Ive had experience trying to turn a sad face into a happy face. My best friend was going through a tough time in her life. I knew she was sad, she sometimes was rude and she hid huge moments from her life from me. I would tell her that she can tell me anything and that I’m here for her, but she didn’t always take up on that offer.
I began trying hard and worrying and wondering and hesitating, I even became distant and sometimes I was cold. I was really worried and all I wanted to do was help. I began getting stressed, and it actually made me sad.
I was stressing and always worried, paranoid. My mom noticed and said “you can’t fix other people’s problems. You’re trying, but if she wants to do it alone, let her. You will make yourself unhappy.”
So I stopped, and sooner or later she came around and we haven’t fought much since!
I understand all of what you said, and it hurts to know that he makes sad faces when I don’t do as he pleases.
But I can’t forget the times he told me that I made him really happy. And he made me happy aswell. I was just not happy with myself mentally, so I couldn’t focus. I’m still struggling with inner issues, so that’s why I wanted us to stop.
To be honest, I feel like he had a gut feeling that I didn’t feel as much as he did, so that’s why he did those things. If my feelings were more strong, his gut would have felt differently and Ben wouldn’t have manipulated me.
People say that I tried and it didn’t work, I can’t force it. I don’t want to force it, I want it to be natural. I think I’m forcing it now, but not for later.
I told him I wanted to build a base, but we skipped all that. I need those months of being friends, and seeing each other platonically, wondering if you like each other, the whole love story. It sounds cheesy, but that’s how most relationships start. He sounded mad and hurt that I said we hadn’t built a base, he said we have been for months now. But it was a relationship that had some history, but not a whole story.
I feel like we will part ways, and one day we will find one another, talk and become friends. We’ll see then what will happen, but I all I need is faith in order to make it through this hard time.
My mother told me that nothing is set in stone, and I’d like to listen to those words and hope we can be great for each other when we both solve our personal issues!
Hello Anita! I’ll gladly provide information.
He has many insecurities. One is his weight. At the beginning of high school, he was overweight, and he found himself to be ugly. He got bullied by a few people, too. Everytime he really liked a girl, he was enough for her, and she’d break his heart. Also, he has an older sister, she is an over achiever. His parents (mostly his mother) tend to favourite his sister over him. They don’t really acknowledge his birthday. His friends also seem to not care so much for his birthday. He’s always been labelled as the “nice guy”, but no one would like him in that way. Also, in our last year of high school, he was the school photographer. He got a lot of attention. But he knew in the back of his mind that only really wanted their picture taken of them so it can be put in the year book.
I was what he considered to be “popular”. I knew a lot of people and I went to many parties. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart. I’d even offer to take pictures of him instead of him being behind the camera. I’ve just always appreciated him like no one else has. He never knew until we started speaking. Also, it may seem strange, but he is Asian, and he also feels insecure about that because of society’s view in Asian and the stereotypes.
As for manipulating, I’ve noticed it slightly as time went on. When I wouldn’t be able to make plans or hang out, he’d tell me that he cares more and that I never make an effort and that he has a breaking points at the nice guy can only take so much. I do admit he has a lot of patience. Also, he’d make sad faces, kind of dramatically sad, making it obvious I’ve offended him. I’d ask him if I said no anything wrong, and he’d say “nothing.” But in a way that was obvious that he wanted me to feel bad.
My mother even noticed from the stories I’d tell her innocently that he manipulates me, makes me feel and influences me to give up my time with friends. Although I was aware, I didn’t let it bother me. My mom said that he’s slightly immature, because he’d get mad at the small things I’ve done. I was like that with my ex, so I understand why he acts this way. But sadly, when I started to act too needy and sensitive, my ex left me.
Hope you reply soon! Thank you:)
- This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Sierra.
Thank you so much Inky!
I do feel that time will heal both of us. I’m hoping we can see each other again and see what’s good for us.
I have a slight fear that I might be lying to myself, that I’m saying that I’ll be ready to go back, but people around me told me “well you guys weren’t meant to be. If you have doubts then shouldn’t that tell you something?”. I’m afraid that I’ll try and hold onto to the idea that I’m going to get better for him, but the reality is that he’ll realize things about me and realize that maybe he doesn’t see something. Then I’ll talk to him just to realize that all this I used to hold onto him I should’ve moved on and let life bring us together. I tend to overthink a lot, too.
He texted me saying that he understands that I need time and he’ll give me the space I need, but that he thinks it’ll make things worse. I took from that he understands and may try to not resent me.
I don’t know if he’ll ever contact me. He’s tired of trying. But I know that if I contact him he’ll question my intentions.
Maybe I’ll find someone new, but something may feel off. It’s weird cause someone I want in my life is someone that I’m having the toughest time with. That could mean that this is all worth fighting for?
My mom is the only that believes that we can try and talk and take it slowly once we both just do what we want to do for the time being and sees where life takes us. She might just be telling me this because that’s what I want to hear; I want to hear that one day I’ll realize my love for him and we’ll both be more matured and on the same page.
Thank you for giving me some hope, it’ll help me move forward positively.
Thank you for your input.
I gave him my word, and I completely destroyed it. I feel so much guilt because I know that he opened up to me and it was not easy.
I honestly wish that I gave him more, because everytime I tried, it felt great.
I feel as if I ruined his life and he made that clear. The thing is that I actually want to be in his life but I’m just not in the mental state (sounds like an excuse, I know).
It just irks me thinking that I’ll find someone else because I feel like what we had is left extremely unfinished.
I also see how it’s selfish to just say I want to be single and not commit, but I think it may be the timing in my life.
I want him to love. If it turns out to be another woman, I’ll have to accept it. But if it can be me, I would like to give that back. That’s why I mainly ended it. Yes I’m hanging onto being single, I just know deep down that by us taking time apart, I’ll be ready.
The first time I ended things, when we got back together I felt that I have changed in 100 ways, but it’s takes time really be settled and ready. Everyday I’m closer to being a happier woman and open minded to dating him, and I truly feel that this time will bring me there, I’ve just felt an immense amount of progress, and I don’t wanna stop.