February 13, 2018 at 7:25 pm #192355
Yesterday, I told this guy that I’ve been seeing for 4 months now that I’m simply not ready and that I need time.
Heres the back story.
We knew one another from high school. From the first day of high school, there was something about him that I liked. As the years passed, we have shared intimate and meaningful moments, moments that feel like it was just him and I in the world alone. We did not talk all the time in high school, but we had handshakes in the halls, and we had moments that made my heart flutter. At my after prom party, I confessed to my friends that I actually might have feelings for this amazing guy.
Fast forward to October 31st, 2017. We work at the same place, and there was a work party at my best friends house. He looked SO cute the entire night and I was really wanting his attention. We then snuck out the party and shared an intimate kiss. It was the best.
We started texting and hanging out, but things started to move rather fast, and I didn’t notice it at the time. I was going through a time of insecurity and confusing, I questioned myself, what I wanted, who I was. I wasn’t in a place to date, but I still went along with it because I wanted to try. One night, on our first date, he asked “are you ready to date? Because I can’t get hurt, I’ve been hurt too many times.” And I said “yes.”
We talk and act like a couple for 3 months, but I didn’t wanna make it official. I was scared of letting go of the single life, and I wasn’t completely over my sad insecure phase, so that has a massive impact on why I just can’t date right now. He was getting confused and sad because this guy gave his all. He loved with all his heart and he did everything for me. I ended it with him on the 19th of February. Exactly one week later, we hung out, and it was the best day ever. All these feelings I had for him were hitined. I wanted to continue perusing. But as weeks went on, I realized that my mind is fuzzy, I’m losing friendships with my friends, and I’m making him unhappy by not being clear. I really wanted to try super hard, but I failed.
Im not the type to enjoy chasing the guy, but the times I felt the most connection was when I had to go talk to him a little more and make an effort, because it made me happy to see him happy. On Friday, he threw me a surprise party. All was great till he got drunk and so did I, and we ended up trapped in a room for an hour. I’ve never been so broken by hearing someone cry. It breaks me to think I’m the reason Thisbe GREAT guy isn’t completely lost and empty. For the passed weeks, he’s been telling me he loves me, I haven’t said it back. It’s not because I don’t feel it, it’s because my mind is so clouded that I can’t make a decision right now. But that night, I said it back. It’s weird because it doesn’t feel like I lied, it just didn’t feel like the right time.
We stayed up there for an hour, and everyone downstairs was getting so mad because they wanted me to blow out my birthday cake, but instead I was with him upstairs.
I woke up the next morning very sad, feeling as if I’m making everyone around me sad and angry. My happiness depends on those around me, and I can’t help it. I knew he was breaking and I can’t take it any longer. So this morning, I told him I need time.
I do need time. I can’t date right now. I’m just so confused that it seems so wrong to enter a relationship not being mentally ready. He called me, not even sad anymore, just angry. He told me “I hate you”, “I’m starting to believe my friends about you”, and the conversation ended with him saying “Sierra, never talk to me ever again. I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t text me, don’t call me. Nothing.” My heart sank. My mom was next to me and I was crying so much it sounded like I was just screaming. My mom hung up.
The thing is, he’s the sweetest guy ever! He’s given all of his time to me. He’s done things no one has done or ever will do for me. But maybe he was too intense right now. I feel like I was rushed into this without thinking. He told me he was drained from not knowing what I want, but I was drained from trying to cater to his feelings because he was super sensitive when I did little things.
The craziest thing is, when I said I need time, I meant it. I want this time so I can confidently go back to him ready. His whole life, he’s been swept under the rug, and I truly want to be that difference that shows him how special he is. He deserves the world. But I think at times he was manipulating me. And he was.
At the party, he was confessing drunkenly to my best friend all these feelings. “I just love her so much, I want to give her everything.” But it turned sour. He said how my friends aren’t half of what he is, and that he shouldn’t have to make me feel guilty for not hanging out with him. He openly admitted that he made me feel guilty purposely. I was so shocked. They say love makes you do crazy things, and I wish that I was at his level of love, but maybe that isn’t healthy.
I genuinely see a future with him. I see us as adults, with kids, in a house, with a life that’s honestly great. I’ve never actually pictured real future with anyone, not even my ex. To me, that says a lot.
I’m taking this time so if or when we cross paths, I’ll give him 100%. That’s all he wanted from me, and I’m sure I’ll be ready to give that. But he said to me that he doesn’t see us rekindling this, that I had a second chance and that now it’s over and done. I’m not asking him to wait for me and just delay life, I’m asking to take a breather and work on ourselves. He told me I lost his family’s trust. I believe it, he literally let me into his home 48 hours prior. He told me that I'm taking advantage and using him and dragging him, and that’s what all his friends say.
Im not that type of person. I’ve shown multiple times acts that can prove that he’s not just some other boy that can be dragged around. I think of him MUCH more than that! I’m not lying when’s I say it, it’s so deeply true! He doesn’t believe me…
We were just emotionally draining one another, I just thought that time would help us. I think it will. He doesn’t see it that way. I miss him already. It’s only been a few hours, but I just sense that I’m letting go this great guy. He asked me why I never gave him a chance, I was scared. As bad as it sounds, I just wanna do the free, single life things before entering a relationship, so that I’ve entered with no doubts.
Im scared to commit. But I’m scared to lose him, I’m scates he’ll forget me. What if I forget him? Or what if I’m living in regret? I’m just scared. That’s why I’ve been distant, I can’t feel much emotion when I’m crowded mentally.
He said those mean things to me on the phone, and it’s weird because I’m not even mad at him. He said some mean things to my bestfriend, and I’m not even mad. All these boys that I hadn’t unborn my mind, they’re all gone. I don’t wanna make a mistake. We’ve opened up a so much to one another, I told him things and he told me things that we’d never share with anyone else.
I’m scared that I’m just a bump in the road in his life so that he’ll find someone better. I’m sounding selfish. The last thing I want is for him to be a bump in the road in my life.
I’m just so mad at myself. They say things happen for a reason, and I’ll maybe find someone better. But there’s something about this someone that can be let go of.
I want to revisit. That’s why I ended. If I would have kept going it would have been much worse.February 13, 2018 at 7:51 pm #192363
After reading your post, I feel for the that guy. I am in similar situation (thought a bit different). I gave all of me to this woman that I really love. In the end, getting rejected by her is really very very disappointing. Like what you did to him.
First of all, you are the one who said “yes” to the relationship. You did it in an impulse. I understand the feeling of being in love and wanting to explore further. However, once you said yes it is your word and you need to be responsible because it prompted him to give you all his love. It would be selfish to say you want to enjoy singles life once you have invited this person into your life.
Right now, you need to think whether you want single life more or relationship with this guy more. I can tell you, it's not easy to find someone to love and who love you back. Maybe if you rejected him, you will get a better man in the future but we never know.
I can tell you as the guy from the receiving end. It is really painful to be rejected this way and it will haunts us for the rest of our life about giving it all to another woman. Personally, I feel people who want to enjoy being single is somewhat selfish. They don't want to share their life with another person for fears of disappointment, abandonment and commitment.
In the end, nobody can force you to do what you do not want. You need to make the decision yourself but know that the decision will affect another person whom became your responsibility when you accepted his love.February 13, 2018 at 8:24 pm #192365
Thank you for your input.
I gave him my word, and I completely destroyed it. I feel so much guilt because I know that he opened up to me and it was not easy.
I honestly wish that I gave him more, because everytime I tried, it felt great.
I feel as if I ruined his life and he made that clear. The thing is that I actually want to be in his life but I’m just not in the mental state (sounds like an excuse, I know).
It just irks me thinking that I’ll find someone else because I feel like what we had is left extremely unfinished.
I also see how it’s selfish to just say I want to be single and not commit, but I think it may be the timing in my life.
I want him to love. If it turns out to be another woman, I’ll have to accept it. But if it can be me, I would like to give that back. That’s why I mainly ended it. Yes I’m hanging onto being single, I just know deep down that by us taking time apart, I’ll be ready.
The first time I ended things, when we got back together I felt that I have changed in 100 ways, but it’s takes time really be settled and ready. Everyday I’m closer to being a happier woman and open minded to dating him, and I truly feel that this time will bring me there, I’ve just felt an immense amount of progress, and I don’t wanna stop.February 14, 2018 at 4:42 am #192415
The good news is as time goes by, he can't really be mad at you for how you feel or where you were/are in life. That's like being mad at a child for not being able to do calculus. You wanted to. You tried. It didn't work out. You weren't there yet.
You never intentionally abused him and that can go a long way. You tried NOT to hurt him. But he was hurt nonetheless.
To me you are either single, married, or divorced. You don't have to give up everything about being single when you're with someone. It just means you're both single together, you go to the same parties and you don't mess around. It sounds like now that you have your “Single” life back, you're not enjoying it anyway. And the way you're pining over him I can tell you're not fooling around with other guys right now.
So yes, you can theoretically go back. But this time have him contact you. He can approach you at parties. He's the one that was hurt. And he's the only one that can get over that hurt, no matter how much you apologized and explained.
InkyFebruary 14, 2018 at 6:29 am #192425
Thank you so much Inky!
I do feel that time will heal both of us. I’m hoping we can see each other again and see what’s good for us.
I have a slight fear that I might be lying to myself, that I’m saying that I’ll be ready to go back, but people around me told me “well you guys weren’t meant to be. If you have doubts then shouldn’t that tell you something?”. I’m afraid that I’ll try and hold onto to the idea that I’m going to get better for him, but the reality is that he’ll realize things about me and realize that maybe he doesn’t see something. Then I’ll talk to him just to realize that all this I used to hold onto him I should’ve moved on and let life bring us together. I tend to overthink a lot, too.
He texted me saying that he understands that I need time and he’ll give me the space I need, but that he thinks it’ll make things worse. I took from that he understands and may try to not resent me.
I don’t know if he’ll ever contact me. He’s tired of trying. But I know that if I contact him he’ll question my intentions.
Maybe I’ll find someone new, but something may feel off. It’s weird cause someone I want in my life is someone that I’m having the toughest time with. That could mean that this is all worth fighting for?
My mom is the only that believes that we can try and talk and take it slowly once we both just do what we want to do for the time being and sees where life takes us. She might just be telling me this because that’s what I want to hear; I want to hear that one day I’ll realize my love for him and we’ll both be more matured and on the same page.
Thank you for giving me some hope, it’ll help me move forward positively.February 14, 2018 at 6:51 am #192427
You wrote: “His whole life, he's been swept under the rug, and I truly want to be that difference that shows him how special he is. He deserves the world. But I think at times he was manipulating me” –
It is an overwhelming task (it was for me) to prove to a person who has been “swept under the rug” his whole life, a person mistreated his whole life, to prove to that person that he “deserves the world”. It is a lot of work, isn't it? It is like making up to the person, making up for a lot of mistreatment and injustice that the person suffered.
Would you like to share some about what he shared with you, about how he was swept under the rug?
As well as how he manipulated you, (in addition to the one time he told his friends that he shouldn't make you guilty so that you will be with him)?
anitaFebruary 14, 2018 at 7:45 am #192451
Hello Anita! I’ll gladly provide information.
He has many insecurities. One is his weight. At the beginning of high school, he was overweight, and he found himself to be ugly. He got bullied by a few people, too. Everytime he really liked a girl, he was enough for her, and she’d break his heart. Also, he has an older sister, she is an over achiever. His parents (mostly his mother) tend to favourite his sister over him. They don’t really acknowledge his birthday. His friends also seem to not care so much for his birthday. He’s always been labelled as the “nice guy”, but no one would like him in that way. Also, in our last year of high school, he was the school photographer. He got a lot of attention. But he knew in the back of his mind that only really wanted their picture taken of them so it can be put in the year book.
I was what he considered to be “popular”. I knew a lot of people and I went to many parties. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart. I’d even offer to take pictures of him instead of him being behind the camera. I’ve just always appreciated him like no one else has. He never knew until we started speaking. Also, it may seem strange, but he is Asian, and he also feels insecure about that because of society’s view in Asian and the stereotypes.
As for manipulating, I’ve noticed it slightly as time went on. When I wouldn’t be able to make plans or hang out, he’d tell me that he cares more and that I never make an effort and that he has a breaking points at the nice guy can only take so much. I do admit he has a lot of patience. Also, he’d make sad faces, kind of dramatically sad, making it obvious I’ve offended him. I’d ask him if I said no anything wrong, and he’d say “nothing.” But in a way that was obvious that he wanted me to feel bad.
My mother even noticed from the stories I’d tell her innocently that he manipulates me, makes me feel and influences me to give up my time with friends. Although I was aware, I didn’t let it bother me. My mom said that he’s slightly immature, because he’d get mad at the small things I’ve done. I was like that with my ex, so I understand why he acts this way. But sadly, when I started to act too needy and sensitive, my ex left me.
Hope you reply soon! Thank you:)
February 14, 2018 at 8:12 am #192459
- This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by Sierra.
When he makes the sad faces, wanting you to feel bad (“he wanted me to feel bad”), he is not a nice guy at those moments, is he. A nice guy doesn't want to make another feel bad and then goes about trying to achieve that.
If you do get to a point where you decide to love him, you will enter a no-win situation. As hard as you try, and no matter how hard and for how long you try, you will see those sad faces. And it will be your fault, you did this and shouldn't have, or you didn't do that and should have. That is likely to be his message.
It is unfortunate that he had those experiences that brought him suffering and I hope he takes on healing, as I have done and still am in the process of doing. You did not cause his suffering. It is not within your power to heal him. Even if he aimed at healing.
Likely, a relationship with him will be a Losing proposition for you, and not a winning proposition for him because he will be stuck in pointing the finger of blame at you, instead of taking responsibility for his feelings and his experience of life and hopefully get help in quality psychotherapy.
anitaFebruary 14, 2018 at 9:21 am #192473
I understand all of what you said, and it hurts to know that he makes sad faces when I don’t do as he pleases.
But I can’t forget the times he told me that I made him really happy. And he made me happy aswell. I was just not happy with myself mentally, so I couldn’t focus. I’m still struggling with inner issues, so that’s why I wanted us to stop.
To be honest, I feel like he had a gut feeling that I didn’t feel as much as he did, so that’s why he did those things. If my feelings were more strong, his gut would have felt differently and Ben wouldn’t have manipulated me.
People say that I tried and it didn’t work, I can’t force it. I don’t want to force it, I want it to be natural. I think I’m forcing it now, but not for later.
I told him I wanted to build a base, but we skipped all that. I need those months of being friends, and seeing each other platonically, wondering if you like each other, the whole love story. It sounds cheesy, but that’s how most relationships start. He sounded mad and hurt that I said we hadn’t built a base, he said we have been for months now. But it was a relationship that had some history, but not a whole story.
I feel like we will part ways, and one day we will find one another, talk and become friends. We’ll see then what will happen, but I all I need is faith in order to make it through this hard time.
My mother told me that nothing is set in stone, and I’d like to listen to those words and hope we can be great for each other when we both solve our personal issues!February 14, 2018 at 9:53 am #192481
You wrote: “I can't forget the times he told me that I made him really happy”- it is a wonderful feeling, to make someone happy, to turn that sad face into a happy face, isn't it?
I tried to do that myself, to turn a sad face to a happy face, would have done anything to make that happen. Do you have prior experience with this before, trying to make someone happy, change that sad face to a happy face?
anitaFebruary 14, 2018 at 10:13 am #192489
It’s a great feeling. I saw that when I did the little things, he’d smile to himself, and I’d smile at him smile. I loved those moments. I wished I did them more often cause they didn’t feel forced, they felt great. I just hesitated.
Ive had experience trying to turn a sad face into a happy face. My best friend was going through a tough time in her life. I knew she was sad, she sometimes was rude and she hid huge moments from her life from me. I would tell her that she can tell me anything and that I’m here for her, but she didn’t always take up on that offer.
I began trying hard and worrying and wondering and hesitating, I even became distant and sometimes I was cold. I was really worried and all I wanted to do was help. I began getting stressed, and it actually made me sad.
I was stressing and always worried, paranoid. My mom noticed and said “you can’t fix other people’s problems. You’re trying, but if she wants to do it alone, let her. You will make yourself unhappy.”
So I stopped, and sooner or later she came around and we haven’t fought much since!February 14, 2018 at 10:18 am #192493
It feels wonderful when you succeed and make a sad person happy, but it doesn't feel good when you fail. You wrote that hen you failed with your friend, you felt stressed, “always worried, paranoid”.-
Coming to think about it, what do you mean by paranoid, in this context of your friend?
anitaFebruary 14, 2018 at 12:12 pm #192521
In context to my friend, I was afraid that she was going through a depression phase. I also thought she was mad at me, because sometimes she’d be disappointed because I’d cancel plans or never ask to chill. I was just sad that she was sad, so it paranoid me to think she disliked me and my friends.
In context of the guy,
I feel like I failed him. As much as I want to stay, mentally I’m not okay. I do think that he’ll mature and I’ll mature and that’s when we’d be the best. The timing was not ours.
It saddens me to think that he’s going to have to experience with another woman in order to grow relationship wise. It saddens me that I might find someone else, cause that means I have forgotten about him and moved on.
My mom said that nothing is set in stone. I hope that is true. I hope that we can find ourselves.
we had so much in common and stuff that weren’t in common, that it was like a perfect balance. He saw flaws in differences, but sometimes we can learn from differences.
I also became paranoid and stressed with him, because sometimes I wanted to end it, then I wouldn’t. And next thing you know I was scared he was going to end it, so I’d worry when he just answered “hey”, cause I thought he was finally fired of me.
i tend to stress about my relationships easily.February 14, 2018 at 12:59 pm #192531
I will be reading your last post attentively when I return to the computer tomorrow morning, in about fifteen hours. Will reply then.
anitaFebruary 14, 2018 at 1:22 pm #192537
Thank you so much!
I’ll be waiting:)