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I Ended it But What if I Regret it?

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  • #192605
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    I am re-reading your posts. Following are quotes from your posts and my comments:

    In your original post you wrote: “One night, on our first date, he asked: ‘are you ready to date? Because I can’t get hurt, I’ve been hurt too many times.” And I said ‘yes'”- He offered to you  dating with a warning: do not hurt me! He put you on that kind of alert.

    “I was scared of letting go of the single life, and I wasn’t completely over my sad insecure phase”- being issued that Warning may have been part of what scared you. It couldn’t have helped with that insecure phase.

    “I’ve never been so broken by hearing (him) cry. It breaks me to think I’m the reason”- his message to you is: you are hurting me! You feel guilty.

    “he’s been telling me he loves me, I haven’t said it back… because my mind is so clouded”- his Warning, guilt-tripping you with the message that you are hurting you, those emotions are draining and do cloud the brain.

    “that night, I said it back… it doesn’t feel like I lied”- reads by the beginning of your original post that you really did like him. Problem is he can’t believe it is possible for him to be loved so he is trying to… guilt you into loving him. Unfortunately for him, he has been destroying your genuine love feelings for him with his guilt manipulation.

    “I woke up… feeling as if I’m making everyone around me sad and angry… I knew he was breaking and I can’t take it any longer. So this morning, I told him I need time”- his manipulation succeeded in that you felt guilty (first part of this quote) but backfired on him (second part of this quote: you are taking a break from him instead of increasing your efforts to please him, to make up for… hurting him).

    “He called me, not even sad anymore, just angry. He told me ‘I hate you’…”- his plan backfired, failed and he is angry. Angry not with himself for destroying the authentic loving feelings you originally had for him with his warning and guilt manipulation, but angry at you.

    “The thing is, he’s the sweetest guy ever!”- how much of that sweetness is authentic to him, sincere and honest and how much of it is manipulative, as in sending the message: it is wrong to hurt the sweetest-guy-ever!

    “His whole life, he’s been swept under the rug, and I truly want to be that difference that shows him how special he is”- you already genuinely liked him but he did not absorb it, didn’t believe it, because he has a different belief deeply rooted in his brain, that he is not lovable. So he couldn’t take in the genuine loving feelings that you did have for him at the beginning.

    “I genuinely see a future with him… kids…”- unless he heals and over a long, long time work intently through therapy on his core beliefs (not being lovable), the future I see is you continuing to suffer from guilt while he points to you again and again how you fail him. Sadder than that, the future I see includes him manipulating the kids you mentioned in a similar way.

    Notice he is very angry. Underneath the sweetest-guy-ever there is a very angry man.

    “I’m scared to commit”- I too would be scared to commit to him.

    In a following post you wrote: “When I wouldn’t be able to make plans or hang out, he’d tell me that he cares more and that I never make an effort and that he has a breaking points at the nice guy can only take so much”- notice that all the efforts you did make, starting maybe with taking photos of him in high school, all your efforts are discounted.

    This means that any and all your efforts in the future to make him feel special, lovable, to make it up to him… will all be discounted as well.

    Notice also the angry man inside the “nice guy”. Again, unless he heals, the best you can expect either nice guy turning into mean guy turning into nice guy etc.

    You wrote: “I feel like… I didn’t feel as much as he did, so that’s why he did those things. If my feelings were more strong, his gut would have felt differently and Ben wouldn’t have manipulated me”- I strongly believe that your thinking here is incorrect. His feelings and behaviors have nothing to do with you and with how you feel for him. His feelings and behaviors were formed and were in place before he met you. You are taking responsibility here for what you are not responsible for, much encouraged in doing so by his manipulation.

    “I feel like I failed him”- his manipulation succeeded. “The timing was not ours”- and will never be unless and until he heals, with help, in psychotherapy.

    “My mom said that nothing is set in stone”- that core belief he has, that he is unlovable, and the manipulative behaviors on his part, to get love through guilt, those are pretty much set in stone.

    “I also became paranoid and stressed with him”- if you do get back together with him, your mental health will deteriorate. How can it not.

    anita

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by anita.
    #192703
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    All of what you said is very true. I agree. I even read it to my mother, and she agreed.

    last night I had a heart renching talk with my mom, she said that she knows I don’t wanna move on for some reason, and I’ll be stuck in this dark place. I told her why I was afraid to move forward (due to forgetting the past, losing memories, my high school crush on him, etc).

    I woke up feeling great. I agree that the only way we can possibly have a future is through years of us doing our own thing and living our lives, and maybe we can speak and see. He changes his ways and I change mine. Separately.

    Today he texted me asking for his sweater and things back. We then spoke more and we want to  exchange the gifts we bought for one another. We talked about all the things we wish we could’ve done. My mom said it’s bad to dwell on the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s, and the ‘If only’s, or the ‘I wish.’” But this actually helped me feel a lot better.

    I’ve also been writing letters, to him, and it makes me feel better too. I get everything off my chest. He doesn’t know I’m writing them and I can chose whether I give them to him.

    I feel quite positive about the future. I know I need to move forward and focus on me. If life wants us to be, it’ll make us be. I’ve accepted that.

    And your advice has been more than helpful! I need someone like you as a person therapist :’)

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Sierra.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Sierra.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Sierra.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Sierra.
    #192715
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    You are welcome. Reads to me that you and your mom are close. That is very nice, to have a close relationship with your mother. I think that you thinking is good, and I don’t see any way your current choosing can possibly be something you will later regret (in response to the title of your thread).

    Do proceed without him. It is best for you, I believe (and so does your mom!)

    anita

    #192719
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    I want to correct a mistake I made in my last reply to you. As to “I Ended it But What if I Regret it?” question, the title of your thread, my answer: you already regretted it, this is why you worry if you will regret it in the future.

    I believe that you do and will regret it when you feel lonely and remember the good moments you had with him, imagining how wonderful it could be to have more of those enjoyable, close feeling moments.

    So yes, you will regret it but if you got back together with him, I believe, you will have less and less good moments and more and more bad moments, and your well-being will deteriorate.

    It will not be reasonable for you to regret this, but you will probably feel regret when lonely. After all, often what we feel is not reasonable. This is why it is important in our choosing, to add logic and reason to our feelings, and not decide solely by how we feel at the moment.

    anita

    #192721
    Sierra
    Participant

    I know I won’t regret it,

    i also need a little advice for my ups and downs. This morning I was very up, looking forward, and 30 minutes ago I was. And then I suddenly felt low.

    I’m going to see him later to exchange our things. It might be a bad idea, maybe good.

    I guess it’ll take time before my highs and lows stop, but it’s hard.

    I can update you on how the exchange goes if you’d like.

    Sierra:)

    #192779
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    Feeling up and down is natural. Everyone feels up and down. Feelings don’t stay the same and it is impossible to feel calm all the time.

    I would like you to update me, to post here about the exchange, how it went, what was said and how you feel about it. Looking forward to it.

    anita

    #192853
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    So we met up in person and. That was the longer hour of my life, I was shaking, my heart was racing and I felt a pit in my stomach. He came out of the class and then we walked somewhere quiet. We exchanged gifts and we got to talking.

    I wasnt going to mention the things he’s done to me, I thought maybe time would show him. But I think I did the right thing.

    I told him about the manipulating, the guilt. I told him about what he said at the party. He was shocked saying he didn’t even realize he said it and that he maybe expressed a lot when he was drunk. And then he openly told me that he’d make me feel guilt, but he thought it’d make me want to stay more. I truly saw that he felt terrible. And then I asked him if maybe there’s an angry guy on the inside, who doesn’t believe when people love him. He was hesitant, and he said there was. He told me that he’s mad and mean on the inside but he doesn’t know why. He said all he wants to do is to be nice to people but no one really shows him love back. I asked him why and he said “I honestly don’t know”. I then told him that maybe he also needs this time to reflect upon himself.

    We then acted romantically. This may seem like a step backwards, but it made us both want to work on ourselves. He admitted to me that he actually thinks that this time is really needed for him because he realized that he was a part of why I ended things. I didn’t wanna guilt him, but I was happy he knew.

    I do see a real future with him. I know deep down that we both need work on our inner conflicts before bringing them out in a relationship. I’m glad he acknowledged. We fit very well together like no one else, but we both know this isn’t our time. We need to be away from each other to grow. He told me he has sad thoughts and the last thing I wanna do is make him feel worse. I want him to breathe and just reflect. I wanna do the same for me.

    His family isn’t too fond of me; his dad is angry that we’re just working on ourselves for our future. I told him to not wait for me cause that will not help him grow at all. It needs to be a natural spontaneous reconnection, only if it’s meent to be.

    Heres another crazy thing:

    He is not a writer. Neither am I. He told me he kept a diary and wrote in it at the beginning of our relationship. He then said that after many months, the first time he wrote in it was on the 14th. It baffles me because  I’m not a writer, and the first time I wrote a letter for him was on the 14th. We both said it helped us release our thoughts. It’s crazy cause we’ve confessed almost the same thoughts and I think we fit well. I still know I’m ready to date now, so I’m not forcing it.

    We cut connections, and now we have to just think in our own. I’ll only go back to him when or if I’m ready. That’s how I’m looking at it. I’ll move on but I won’t forget about him.

    Tell me what you think!

    Sierra

    #192861
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    I too am glad that he acknowledged what you said to be true. That is a good think, it wouldn’t be good if he denied and attacked you for pointing out what is inconvenient to acknowledge.

    He told you that he doesn’t know why “he’s mad and mean on the inside”- because he was hurt as a child. The fact that he doesn’t acknowledge this reality or doesn’t see the connection means that he has a lot of work to do. Without further insight, the acknowledgment I mentioned above, will be of no further value.

    Your recent post, your update, all makes good sense to me. Congratulations for doing such a great job when you met him as well as your thinking following meeting him. I like your resolutions, all is making sense to me.

    The 14th significance, that is interesting, but it does not indicate that surely the two of you will end up together in the future. Maybe there is an indication of a possibility, maybe a strong possibility, but not certainty.

    Again, very good job on your part. I bet your mother is proud of you. I am.

    anita

    #192891
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hello,

    I was working today and I saw him. I took his order for his food, and I really tried not to break down the rest of the shift. I admit I cried in the bathroom a little. He was working a shift tonight too. It’s weird because my mom decided to randomly visit me at work, and she asked if he  and was there. I said no and I did not think he worked. And then my mom leaves, a few seconds later he walks in. He said he saw her. It’s just these coincidences are crazy to me. Maybe because it’s all still fresh.

    I hope this time we need is worth it

    #192945
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    It is sad when thinking about this: you liked this young man from the very beginning, back in high school. You genuinely liked him. But he didn’t believe it was possible for him to be liked or loved. So he tried to cause you to feel guilty so that you will be with him. He didn’t have to… because you liked him. Sad part is that if you were in a relationship with him now, he would probably keep trying to make you feel guilty.

    But why? … He doesn’t have to! Oh, but how deeply we hold on to our beliefs. He believes he is not likeable, not lovable and you can’t cause him to believe otherwise.

    You wrote: “I hope this time we need is worth it”-  on is part it will be worth it if he attends quality psychotherapy where he will explore and challenge that belief I mentioned. Did you suggest that he attends such and if so, what was his response?

    anita

    #192949
    Sierra
    Participant

    I said that we both need to talk to people and that it’d make us feel better. He said he already has spoken to people, but that was a while go. I think he might consider going again.

    I’ve been seeing a lot of signs around me these passed two days, whether it’s song lyrics, signs in the street, sentences that I over heard people saying, songs that come on, posts I see on Instagram. They all say that time is really worth everything.

    I hope he takes his time to know that he can be loved. I told him what you said, how he thinks the love people already give him isn’t genuine, so he guilts people giving him more love. It all comes from his friends, family and experience in general. I told him that he can be loved, all he has to do is accept it and not question it. I felt like I sounded like his therapist this night, but I really hope he takes my words to heart.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Sierra.
    #192957
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    You did your best telling him what you did.

    “all he has to do is accept it and not question it”- impossible to do unless he takes on the long, long process of gradual healing, gradually changing this core belief that he is unlovable. He probably needs a professional’s help doing so. I did.

    Maybe what you told him will pop up in his head again, at certain moments and will motivate him to get such help.

    Regarding the signs you see, I suggest that you don’t put your full trust in those. I have seen signs myself, years ago, that did not lead me anywhere good. Sometimes coincidences are amazing and make me wonder how it is possible that this or that is only a coincidence. Thing is, maybe this or that is more than a coincidence, but in my life those incredible coincidences have proven to not be signs-from-above as to what I should do.

    Other people’s stories indicate the same. People who followed those signs and got nowhere.

    anita

    #193019
    Sierra
    Participant

    I agree. I shouldn’t take these signs too strongly. They are little signs of hope but they can’t determine my future. I wouldn’t wanna give myself false hope.

    We all need to talk to someone, it’s normal. He thanked me for not thinking he was crazy, and it’s true I really don’t think he is. Him and I are very similar in those ways.

    Its hard to say that self healing takes a long long time, in reality I don’t want it to take that long, but I have to accept it.

    It’s also sad because I’ve been realizing these passed few days that he’s changed things about me, and I didn’t even notice.

    Sierra

    #193093
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    You wrote that he changed things about you that you didn’t even notice. What things did he change about you?

    anita

    #193183
    Sierra
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    well he maybe he realize that I actually do want kids and a family. Before, I wasn’t really sure If I wanted to raise children, but after my time with him I’m kind of excited for it. I also never imagined getting married, I didn’t really believe in marriage, but after us being together I’m excited for a possible marriage.

    I realized that I’d have to sacrifice some things in order to be with my partner, and vice versa, and maybe I’m more ready for that now.

    He changed my view on how my future will go.

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