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Simon

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • in reply to: Inlaws hate me, husband allows it #65612
    Simon
    Participant

    Hi Petra,
    I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It must be terrible to feel so rejected by the rest of your husband’s family. You do not deserve to be treated in this way but unfortunately you are.

    I’m sure that it doesn’t feel like it but the reaction of his wider family says nothing about you and everything about them and their own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. In the same way the way that your husband and that you choose to react to the situation is entirely in your powers. Can you continue in a marriage with this level of conflict, how can you create a better environment without giving up your power by pleasing others when it goes against your own values?

    Perhaps your husband feels out of control of the situation, he loves all of his family and does not want to choose between you or act and be responsible for creating further hurt. So he does nothing. I can think of 3 possible choices, you may be able to think of more; you continue with the current situation and understand that his wider family do not have enough love for you, you go your own way with the consequences that creates, or you find a way that you and your husband can communicate your wishes in a loving way and be prepared that his family may or may not reciprocate. One thing you cannot continue to do for your own health is to continue to please and give up your own power. I sincerely wish you well and that you find a way through where you, your husband, your children and your wider families can find peace.

    Simon

    in reply to: Hope vs. Expectation #50037
    Simon
    Participant

    Hi Anna,
    I’ve been thinking a lot about whether expectations are useful or not recently myself. In some ways I think the thing about expectations are that you are attached to the outcome. If the outcome is what you expect then you are satisfied but not joyful, the hole you have created is filled. If the outcome is bad then that hole remains.

    With aspirations you are not attached to the outcome. Your standards are still set highand you aim to do well but if success does not occur then you do not mentally beat yourself or others up about it. You dust yourself off and try again. I think possibly aspiration is more in line with hope. I also see that with hope there is an element of trust, as in the definition you gave whereby you have trust that things will work out. I guess a key point here is whether you put that trust in external factors or put the trust in yourself amd empower yourself to take action to make it happen.

    Just some thoughts. I’d be keen to hear what others think as I am trying to work out whether expectations are positive or negative things to have myself.

    Simon

    in reply to: My Ex is a Sociopath #49222
    Simon
    Participant

    Hi Jamie,
    I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Your situation sounds really hard and I can only imagine the stress you must be feeling. I felt I had to respond even if it was just to let you know that I am thinking of you in this difficult time. I do not have experience of dealing with people with sociopathic tendencies so please take what I say as you wish.

    I am with you that I believe in the potential of everyone, even those that do awful things, but they have to be willing to do something about it themselves and that is out of your control. Perhaps your ex behaves in a cowardly way and seeks revenge because he is unable to forgive himself for his felonies (or his past) and so it is much easier to put the blame for the way he feels onto someone else. The fear he may feel can be easier to deal with if he puts that on to others, it may make him feel more in control of his own fears then. What ever his motives the situation is not good for you and despite being a compassionate person it is not your responsibility to help him. He needs to help himself and would probably actually resist any external help anyway.

    As to what to do about your own situation I do not have any answers but I believe in something that the author Deepak Chopra says in his book Self Power that the level of the problem is never the level of the solution, that rather than resisting or reacting to a situation there may be another way entirely of looking at it.

    I wish you well and hope that you can find a way to detach yourself from this situation and move on with your own life. Take care.

    in reply to: He said he "loves me," but isn't "in love" with me #44858
    Simon
    Participant

    Hi Alby,
    You say you love each other but are not in love with each other. Can you give your love to him or are you in love with the idea of being in love? Do you love yourself? Can you accept you as you are? Are you comfortable just being? Or do you feel you should be different or need to become someone better?
    When we first meet someone things can seem great at the beginning but then the cracks start to show. It is easy to find ourselves wanting to believe that the other person completes us, that they meet all the needs that we had before we met them and initially you can be on a high as those needs appear to be fulfilled. But as the reality starts to dawn we can begin to feel empty again and it is easy to blame the other for not meeting our own needs. Is that fair?
    I truly believe that you both have a lot of love to give, but how can you have the energy to love another if you can’t yet love yourself, accept yourself and accept that all your ‘baggage’ is in the past but does not define who you are in this moment. When you are able to be fully in the present you can be comfortable just being rather than feeling you need to assume an identity you have put upon yourself ( a good side or a bad side or a role) as a result of the expectations you have formed about yourself and others from pressures of society, other people and past events.
    I am coming out of a divorce and am finally beginning to accept myself and feel comfortable to just be rather than feeling I need to be something or someone or with someone in order to feel complete. I have found mindfulness and therapy have really helped. When you start to have love for yourself you realise that when people seem to attack or defend it is because they feel vulnerable and they need to be able to love themselves. When you can finally accept you as you are then you can really start to accept others for who they are (if their opinions are different that’s ok, it doesn’t stop your opinions also being valid), and truly let your love flow from within.
    It takes time and it is important not to force things but if you focus on healing yourself you will be able to help others heal themselves. You are already both perfect as you are, you just don’t believe it yet.

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