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Sam

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  • in reply to: Is it a slum or an incoming depressive episode? #127773
    Sam
    Participant

    Thank you both for taking the time to respond.

    Anita – Unfortunately, I can’t, which does leave me stuck in a bit of a hole.

    Farrellsx6 – Thank you for the thoughtful response. Reading it left me feeling refreshed and hopeful. The part about boyfriends and my mom truly resonates and hits home, because s much as I hate to admit it, those are probably two of the biggest stresses in my life. I feel like I put a lot of energy into worrying about both of them, with little to show or to come from it. Being mindful and present is something I struggle with, sometimes it definitely feels like the world is so big and I don’t know how to take on the whole thing. Though, in times of peace, I realize it’s not the whole thing that needs to be taken on, just right now. I do find when I open myself to new experiences, I feel renewed and understood. I am someone who thrives from interactions and engaging with others as well as exploring and trying new things.

    in reply to: Feeling Dread/Doom/Lost #115383
    Sam
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your feedback, it truly means a lot.

    Midnight – As much as I love fall, the last three years have been tough around this time. Three years ago I spent 5 days in a CSU, two years ago in an unhealthy relationship, last year was the end of that relationship in September. So truthfully just the ambiance of fall may be the trigger. I am trying my best to take care of my body, coffee is definitely my downfall and I’ve been trying to drink more decaf. I do also see a therapist and have for three years, though I have never been on medication for a long period of time. I have anxiety medication for panic attacks but nothing to manage the ongoing stuff.

    Anita- – your response hit me hard. I see you have read another one of my threads, and for that i thank you for taking the time to understand a little more about me. This may be some of it as well, seeing as I have recently cut off close relations with her. I still work for her, but we do not interact. Honestly, it has been a little relieving.

    I opened up a little to a friend of mine today and told her how I was feeling – she suggested the mindfulness may be doing some of this, because the lack of drama and excitement in my life is maybe being mistaken as loss? Maybe because I don’t know how to feel, and it’s been quite so time, if ever, I have felt this relaxed.

    in reply to: Feeling Guilty and Stuck #109567
    Sam
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for the well thought out response, it’s really appreciated.

    Regarding self-discovery, I’ve found that I enjoy being independent and alone and I fear being with someone who may jeopardize that. I have found that I love meeting connecting with new people. I have found that I love trying new things, traveling, reading, etc. In the past year my life has flipped upside down, but for the best. I have changed schools and received a scholarship for my academic achievements, made wonderful new friends and traveled more places than I ever have. I have distanced myself from many old friendships that no longer served me; not because of any falling out though we had simply grown apart. I moved out of my parents house and started paying for all my own bills. Overall, I think I have grown tremendously in the last year.

    Regarding my love-interest, it is probably a mix between 2,3 & 6. There is obviously some underlying issues on his part, something that has made him feel the need to be overly close and obsessive – I have never had someone be so persistent with me, and part of me wonders why. Does he really care about me that I am worth the chase? (figuratively, not in the car… bad joke.) Maybe the fact that I feel numb and everything with him is so over the top and dramatic is appealing, even if it is hurting me. I never know what I am going to get with him. Most of all, I think I do deserve the treatment. Though I never gave him a reason to treat me this way, I think I set enough boundaries that maybe that startled him or gave him the wrong idea. Maybe I was unclear as to what I wanted or wasn’t confident enough to stand up for myself so he thought it was okay to treat me the way he did. Partially, I feel like I should have tried harder, but then at the same time, this was only a very VERY short period of time. It shouldn’t have been so complicated so early, right? My mom was emotionally abusive; I am an only child who still sees a therapist to process her and I’s relationship. Though it is not diagnosed, I believe my mom is a narcissist; she ignored me when she was mad at me and would isolate and alienate me for days. Her punishments were extreme and humiliating, for example, once I was dancing on the coffee table and broke it (I was probably 11-12ish) and she was so mad that she grounded me from the furniture. This entailed me sleeping on the floor and sitting in a laundry basket with a blanket while my friends were over. My mom took huge pride in her punishments of me and would often tell my friends, their parents, my teachers, etc. about them. I often felt belittled and humiliated by her treatment. She ignores me behind closed doors but talks about me endlessly in public – it is very difficult for me to process and something I still struggle with.

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)