Dear Anita,

Sorry I started talking about the other topic, you asked and I just started sharing.

We can close the discussion, in fact, if you can just delete the responses that are irrelevant to the original topic.

Thanks,

Sona

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for asking and yes I remember our conversation clearly. Believe it or not, I continued to see him even though he was misleading me on believing that he wants to have a relationship with me someday outside the office.

But a few months ago, I stopped for good (yes, for sure good now)  as I realized I am wasting my time and energy, yes I got stronger, however, it also did quite internal damage, I faced rejection over rejection again and again. The reason I kept going back as I trusted him completely and I loved his gentleness and kindness. So, I kept working on how to love him unconditionally without any expectation. But his mixed signals (i am not making it up it was very clear signals that he wanted more too) again build a desire in me for having more with him but when I used to bring it up he would just plain deny it. So I went over that pain of rejection enormous number of times and the sad part is he never helped me deal with it. I also lost confidence in me that something is wrong with me,  I am so needy, I am bad to have expectations?

Anyhow, this experience made me more spiritual and I am seeing a woman therapist now and lets’ see what future holds for me. I don’t have courage right now to start a new relationship. I am so hurt. I loved him very deeply.

Sorry for the long reply-

– Sona

Thank you so much Mark. This was helpful. I have to balance being with my sadness and also participate and connect somewhat with people.

The place where I struggle the most is letting go and trusting. I am trying not to give attention to my negative story but it keeps coming back – I will not find anyone, I will be alone all my life, I will not able to hold any relationship…sometimes at that time I just chant a mantra inside to disassociate with this thinking pattern but sometimes it overtakes me and I feel like not doing anything. That’s when I envy people who are happy drinking, partying and not going deep inside and people who are sensitive care about others hurts alot.

However, your advice is good – the time when negativity is clouding me, just move around, take a walk, go out..I know at some level this is what I should be doing but my body doesn’t want to move..

Thanks again,

Sona

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your input.

Since I have such a deep attachment with him it feels like a break-up..So much sadness and heart-ache..and of course, hollow feeling that i’m not loved or cared..

I am thinking of writing him an email with what I want to say (that i couldn’t bring it up in the session) and stop the therapy. Or another part just says cancel the follow-up appt and don’t say anything..

-S

Thanks badseed and Anita for reply. Lot of times I did wonder about his competency. Sometimes I ask him, do you hate me? and he always replies with no. One time I got frustrated and said i feel like this therapy is not working, it feels like i’ll continue till i’m very old and his respond was it’s ok, you are a nice person i don’t mind seeing you when you are old. I wondered later on that shouldn’t the respond be something like, no you are making good progress etc..
Also, instead of saying he doesn’t hate me, shouldn’t we explore why this is so important to me that he should not hate me?

Sometimes it makes me wonder that he wants me to be dependent on him. But not sure whether it’s part of his therapy style?

Hi,
Today I saw my therapist again after a long time and i’m again in a very bad shape. He never mentioned his personal life but today in some context he mentioned a female friend and somehow I got triggered.
I feel very sad and crying..don’t know what to do..

Thanks,
Sona

Hi Anita,
you are yet again correct on saying that it is coming from the past. The main belief I have at that time is, I am a bad person – and at that time now I started questioning myself and trying to find evidence on why i should not be thinking this way – it is very difficult.

I feel so relieved talking openly about it and not feel ashamed..

I am trying to change my mind to stay positive , it’s VERY difficult ..

anyhow, i have cancelled my appt with my therapist for this week so I can relax for the next few days..

Thank you so much Anita-
-S