Help - how to proceed?

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This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by Inky.

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November 9, 2018 at 12:43 pm #236223

Sona
Participant

Hi,

I need some help. When I was going through divorce/ unhappy in my relationship a friend of mine gave me emotional support and strength for a few years. He also showed some signs that he is interested in me, but never say anything as I was still married. He also dated a few women but didn’t work out while I was going through a divorce. I also like him but I didn’t leave my marriage for him at all. He is a very nice, gentle person – now I am divorced for more than a month and I have seen him a couple of times but he didn’t say anything yet.

I got upset on him last time for something else but mainly I was expecting him to say something but he didn’t and that disappointed me.

What should I do? I like him very much but since he didn’t say anything yet – is he not interested? OR how can I ask him? I feel like if he says no it will be very painful as part of me hoped to have a relationship with him. And it might ruin our freindship but it’s painful to see him just as friends.

Please suggest!

Thanks

– S

November 9, 2018 at 1:13 pm #236229

Mark
Participant

Sona,

Going through the dissolution of a marriage and divorce can put us in an emotionally vulnerable and needy place. As a guy, we like to connect with vulnerable women especially if we are “nice, gentle.”

I would recommend that you let go of any romantic or guy relationships and work on yourself, i.e. go have fun with groups, find out what you enjoy doing and do it , try new activities, get some counseling to figure out what was your part in the failed relationship and what areas you want to grow in.

Make sense?

Mark, who went through a divorce and is a nice and gentle guy.

November 9, 2018 at 1:29 pm #236231

Sona
Participant

Thanks, Mark for your practical advice.

You are right, I am vulnerable and needy right now – I feel like I am begging for love and it makes me feel even more hollow and empty that I don’t have anything to offer. It makes me feel so unlovable.

Yes, I want to live my life and enjoy! When the time is ready, things will happen, maybe this guy or some other guy or with nobody in this lifetime.

But on the practical side, I have to make myself strong that when I see him, no expectations just enjoy his company.. any suggestion on how to do that? It’s easier said than done – at least for me.

Thank you again Mark!

November 9, 2018 at 7:58 pm #236255

Selkie
Participant

Hi Sona- I think you’re right- no expectations and just enjoy his company. It depends on how hard it is for you. How often do you see him? If you’re seeing him a lot, it would probably help you get stronger if you saw him less frequently. Or maybe even not contact him for a while until you heal. You’re also very recently divorced- I think that after a marriage, it may be best to wait at least a few months before considering a relationship again. You want to be emotionally ready when it comes.

November 10, 2018 at 6:55 am #236279

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sona:

What will happen do you think if you tell him about your feelings as a friend, taking responsibility for these feelings, that is not suggesting that he led you on or made any suggestions that he didn’t make, telling him that you appreciate his help, and listen to what he thinks and feels on the matter.

I don’t know if it is a good idea. Maybe it is, maybe this kind of conversation will make it possible for a friendship to continue while pretending you don’t feel what you feel for him will be too difficult and make it impossible for a friendship to continue in this new circumstance, you being single.

anita

November 10, 2018 at 10:47 am #236289

Mark
Participant

Sona,

I suggest not seeing him for a while and have a social life with other people, in groups or individually (with other women).

Tell him that you need to step away for while and you will contact him when you are ready and not contact you.

Mark

November 10, 2018 at 7:33 pm #236331

John
Participant

Sona,

You need to give yourself more time. If he really likes you, he will wait. You might even tell him how you feel, but let him know you aren’t going to see anyone for 6 months to a year. Yes, I realize that feels like an eternity. But it lets him know you really mean it, that he isn’t just your rebound fling.

Also, was he perhaps friends with your ex? I know there are a lot of us men who have a “code” of sorts that would make you basically untouchable and grounds for revocation of your bro card if you were to pursue one of your friend’s exes without their permission. Yes, it’s about as backwards and silly as it sounds, but we take that one and a few others quite seriously (or most men do). I am wondering if that is why he feels uncomfortable approaching you with this.

November 12, 2018 at 6:29 am #236505
Inky
Participant
Hi Sona,

You’ve been divorced for such a short time! I think he is (wisely) giving you space. There is nothing skeevier than a guy who tries to jump in your life the second after you break up! He doesn’t want to be That Guy.

Maybe sometime next year playfully bump into his shoulder and put your arm around him. This physical contact gently shows him that you are open. But if he doesn’t feel the same way he can also gently let you know. (i.e. If he only side hugs you back with a few pats).

Anyway, that’s how I would proceed.

Good Luck,

Inky
- This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
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