Anita,

That whole conversation with him changed almost everything.

My mind finally sync in with reality, and it was … a weird feeling. A thousand wave of emotions that cannot be explained.

I cried, I laughed, and I was confused because this Gyunnie was not the Gyunnie that I dated.

Of course not. Because he is no longer my boyfriend. I noticed that he tried to keep things as casual and as platonic as possible.

Very understandable.

It has been MONTHS since the break up, his feelings have changed over the course of time while mine stayed the same.

The way that he answered was very different comparing to the birthday message email back in July.

He seems more distant, and does not want to discuss anything related to our past relationship any further.

I sense that it is not because he does not care about me, it is just that our relationship is just … something from the past. Something so behind him.

He is ready for a new future since he got his acceptance letter and he seems kind of uncomfortable when I mentioned Peter (our mutual friend) – I sense it is because he just wants to get over the past.

The past is not something that he wants to remember at fondly. The past that has me, Peter, K University, Business school people, Student council … just everything about it.

And I understand him. I do not want to push him any further or initiate contact anymore.

I admit that I was very mad at everyone and everything. For separating me and him, and I feel like we are in this tragic love story of Romeo and Juliet.

I know now that he is not Romeo and I am not Juliet.

We are just not meant to be together.

and for the first time ever, I am okay with that.

Gyunnie came into my life, he taught me on how to love and accept myself and then he left.

He was just a lesson for me in my life. A memory. A memory that I slowly forget as well.

He was never meant to stay with me permanently and there was nothing that I could have done to made him stay.

It is not easy for me to type here right now to you. I am admitting everything that I refused to admit weeks ago.

And Anita,

I have little gift for you.

We have been talking here for around 4 months, we talk about my personal life and my deepest secrets, something that I never shared with anyone. Not even my closest friends, or Gyunnie.

You deserve to at least know my name.

Mina is not my real name, it is a name that Gyunnie gave to me. He lend me his last Korean name and I added that first Korean name : Mina.

Kim Mina.

That was my Korean name.

Mina is a name filled with pain, memories and just … sadness. I hide behind that name for a very long time. I felt safe using a name that Gyunnie gave. I felt a sense of belonging with him. A sense of connection, but I need to understand that the first step to be myself again is to actually … use my real name.

So, hello Anita. It is very nice to talk to you. I am Monica.

-Monica

Anita,

Yes. That was what I meant by sacrifice.

We talked about this before in depth, right?

That sacrifice mindset was very hard to shake off even after our convo, but when he told me those things – it shook it off immediately.

He is fine. I do not have to worry about him at all.

I can tell from his sentences (he wrote all in Korean, I translated for you every single one) – he was surprised and he definitely do not want me to ever worry about him.

Just like how I do not want him to worry about me, ever.

That, to me, meant so much. That is why after that – I got comfortable and started speaking everything that I want to tell him.

I tortured myself everyday for not being able to be “there” for him, so it was really hard for me emotionally and physically

He gave me the “relief” and told me that I have to put myself first not put him first.

-Mina

Anita,

I can feel it.

Gyunnie was not having a hard time because of the break up, he was having a hard time because of army and Y university.

That was the reality. The truth.

It was painful facing it, Anita. I won’t lie about it.

My most favourite and important part from what he said was regarding the whole thing where mentioned that I am very concerned about him,

He told me the words that I have been waiting to hear from him,

“I am fine. Do not worry about me, worry about yourself.”

What do you think?

-Mina

[Oct 4, 2017]

This will be the last letter that I posted here. I wanna thank every single silent readers or anyone who has commented in my thread here in Tiny Buddha. Especially to Anita.

Gyunnie is also thanking everyone here who has been very supportive of me and him.

I will be posting my last conversation of me and Gyunnie here :

Mina : Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you have a happy one.

Gyunnie : Yes, you too. Have a fun thanksgiving day!!

Mina : Thank you … I hope you do not mind me asking but did you get accepted into Y university?

Gyunnie : Yes I did! I got accepted, that is why I am currently not attending K university this semester hahaha

Mina : Wow!! Congratulations. I am so happy for you. After all those struggles, you really deserve it. My sincerest congratulations for you once again.

Gyunnie : Hahahaha thank you … really thank you so much. I hope your university life goes well as well!

Mina : Yes, yes! Are you currently living in Daegu (another city in Korea, about 3 hours from Seoul) because Peter (the name of the guy that introduced us) keeps asking me about why he have not seen you around in the dorm?

Gyunnie : Hahahahha, yeah that is right.

Mina : I really hope you do not mind me asking you these questions, sorry if you mind!

Gyunnie : No no, you can ask. It is okay

Mina : Thank you … the truth is I was worried about you a lot, but hearing you sounding fine makes me feel happy 🙂 sorry that it sounds so random

Gyunnie : Do not worry about me. I am really doing well. I just have something stuck inside me because I still do not know the right manner to date. I did not know that you were worried about me … and since I am really fine right now, do not worry about me and take care of yourself.

Mina : No, I also have a lot of regrets. I never got to say “thank you” to you and I feel like I was not a good partner for you as well. I could not help you or support you much during your hard times. You were a good boyfriend to me, regardless of anything that had happened. I wanted to say that to you, just once.

Gyunnie : Really …. thank you.

Mina : Sorry that it sounds out of the blue. I wanted to say those things for a very long time but I feel like I was not ready… even though it is very late, thank you for listening to every single things of what I needed to say. Thank you.

Gyunnie : Really …  thank you so much, stay well

Mina : You too … be well and be happy .. goodbye

Gyunnie stopped replying after that.

—

I cried. Obviously. It was really hard  since his message was very clear to me.

We are done, it is the harsh reality that I refused to acknowledged until today but he reminded me once again.

Being the honest and straight forward person that he is, he wants me to move on.

I know that.

My heart is shattered, I am feeling a lot of rough emotions from talking to Gyunnie.

I spent 3 months talking here as you guys were him that when I talked to the real person, it did not felt real,

Until he said a lot of things that was just … so him. So honest. Full of sincerity that he wished me well, but our relationship cannot continue any longer in the future as well.

I felt relieved that I finally got to say what I had wrote here to him directly, even though all he can say was “thank you”

My heart feels very heavy everyone.

-Mina

Anita,

Thanks so much for the advice.

You wrote : “There is one thing I don’t want you to forget and that is your experience of being accepted by him as you are, your authentic self, that is, the experience of being loved.”

So by talking to Gyunnie, it will help me remember the feeling?

Help me remember the Mina that is authentic?

I remember you mentioning how you think it will be great for me to keep on something small that Gyunnie gave to me in my everyday lives. Something that I can carry everywhere I go.

To be a reminder of the Mina that he accepted and loved.

You were right about it.

But at the same time, I cannot help but think about how once I am out of “sync” with Gyunnie, I started to self destruct. That point, I notice myself.

I started rejecting myself without me knowing.

You can notice the difference of my attitude from time to time.

-Mina

Anita,

I would explore those questions or challenge later on, I just have something on my mind right now.

I hope you can give me advices, genuine advices whether this is a bad or a good idea.

I am thinking about sending Gyunnie, a Happy Thanksgiving day message.

I know, I know – I sound very pathetic right now, looking for every silliest / smallest opportunity to talk with him.

But somehow, I just want to.

I have a plan to ask him about whether he gets accepted into Y University or not, and just life in general after the Thanksgiving message.

Tell me what do you think.

-Mina