Dear Anita and Helcat,

I have meant to send this message many times and am only now getting around to it. I am sorry about my delay in response time. Since I took on a second job I have just felt like my energy is at max. And I do enjoy taking lots of time and energy to respond to the very thorough conversation we have going. I wish we could meet in person, it is certainly less of an energy investment to just purely conversate.

I hope you are both doing well! ? How are you doing in your life right now? I will respond as soon as I have some time for myself. I miss you both and wish there was a way I could text you guys more frequently with less depth.

until next time, 🫶

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

What is Seaturtle’s personal definitions of a majorly good person and of a  fully good person?

– This is a good question. What comes to mind now, is that a majorly good person is one with good intentions but doesn’t always get that across, or that they think their intentions are good, but are missing some information and their good intentions are misguided, causing bad outcomes. Whereas a fully good person is completely in line with their third eye, and therefore their intentions are always pure, never contaminated with bias or selfish wants. A fully good person always effects the environment neutrally or positively, a majorly good person can sometimes have negative effects on others and the world.

“to tap into/ to be One with Shakti, it takes trusting yourself to be a good person first, because you wouldn’t allow a bad person all that power and capability”.

-I have gone back to this more than once, since you said it. Even had a conversation with K about it, where I saw he struggles with it too. He phrased it as when he receives praise he doubts the validity of it, questioning that they actually see the whole picture, and I related with this deeply. What is interesting though, is what seems obvious to me is I am this way because my dad did not treat me as if I was a good person, he was skeptic of me and I was disciplined and criticized all the time. But for K, he seems to have the same overlying issue as me, doubting his goodness, but he didn’t have a critical parent, his mom over gave praise to him to an extent to where he now wonders ‘what is real praise and what is exaggerated’  because there is no way he deserves that much (his thoughts). How can two different types of parents, both result in a hard time receiving praise or seeing yourself as good? What is the balance of praise and constructive criticism that leads to a healthy self esteem (seeing self as good). I ask because I want to balance myself out, and I also want to raise a balanced child one day.

The person that made me believe, or heavily suspect, that I was a bad person was my mother. On a regular basis, she accused me- in long, protracted, paranoid and histrionic sessions of accusations- of plotting to hurt her feelings and humiliate her. She accused me of planning what to say and do

– Our experiences are so similar. I am thankful to have someone like you who is farther in the healing process to help me!

Who plans and intentionally actualizes plans to cause pain to one’s mother, if not a bad person..?

– good point.

I wasn’t sure that she was wrong. I doubted myself. I became very careful about the words I said, or thought about saying, too anxious, too careful.

– this brings me back to your comment about my desires to run away or even leading to self harm, wanting to rid myself and surroundings of this “bad person” that I had no control over, since I had no idea I was doing this and felt out of control of my own intentions.

I think of the majority of my life as a stolen life, stolen and held hostage by her.

– I deeply empathize with you.

 I waited and waited for her to give me the permission to live my own life (by telling me that I was a good person) long after I knew that I was still waiting. I gave her all that I could give her, money included, but never got the Good Person label from her.

– This is where I can be thankful, and one of the ways my experience breaks away from yours. This anchor weighs/weighed, less for me after 24 years. After I got farther from F, and he saw I was happy away from him there is a sliver of understanding that I am good without him, but he definitely still sees me as very flawed. My way of life doesn’t make sense to him and he still laughs at me.  I told him about my adventures in colorado and meeting K, my plans to travel, and he just laughs at me because I am living life “so differently” “why would you work at a cafe you are way too over qualified” “you are a nanny? you spend time with kids for fun? what a waste of your time, hahaha” But then he says he is glad I am happy.. which I think I believe. I still feel like he sees me as less than others/ ill-intentioned on accident/ skeptical of me (as you would be of a bad person). It’s like he doesn’t see me as bad anymore, but he sees me as something else now… not intelligent, lazy (since I am not resume building/ climbing a corporate ladder), not reliable (asking me if I need help all the time as if I can’t support myself), doesn’t trust my decisions until I just make them and he sees the benefits way later, but this still builds me no reporte.

Dear Helcat,

You must give me some potty training tips! 

What I can say, as we are about 4 weeks in, the first 3-5 days plan nothing else. Something I wasn’t expecting was how often they just tinkle! We were constantly watching her legs, and it was definitely a two man job for the first 3-5 days. I spent more days with them that week, and as I got there the parents alternated taking showers and one was always with me. Pads, towels and sheets all over their floors, with 3 potties spread throughout their one story home. Also a tip, we started at 10 min intervals, then slowly worked our way to 20, and now she says when she needs to go! but at the intervals, her mom read not to ask her, because if you ask them if they need to go potty they will see no every time, cause they don’t “want” to, it’s like they don’t really understand what that question means. So at intervals we say “we are going to the potty,” and sit there till she does. At each potty station we had a stack of books, half of which were potty training books, to normalize bathroom talk haha. I have never talked so much about such things hahaha.

I did make the decision with my intuition and you are right that is enough to just trust it. 🙂

“There is a concept in teaching. You know the things you know. You know some things that you don’t know. And then you don’t know some things that you don’t know. These are called unknown unknowns. It’s this idea of unknown unknowns that I tend to think of as running on automatic. To change first there needs to be understanding. So it’s really hard to change what you don’t know needs to be changed. If that makes sense? Only when we become aware of a possibility can we work on it.”

Wow this gave me such a vivid memory. My grandpa told me this once about this concept. So on automatic, is that person not acknowledging the unknown unknowns? As opposed to someone not-on automatic, is trying to see them? If this is what you mean I do relate, to times of not having the perceived energy to see more, but then also times of the opposite. Like I feel on the cusp of something I need to know, and am hesitant to make decisions even, because I just know I am missing a certain perspective or knowledge. Actually, now as I express this, I think this is how I live my life, I am in automatic for a while then I hit some sort of wall that doesn’t make sense to me, so then I have to pause and see more of my unknown unknowns before I can move forward. Sometimes I even get anxious, just wanting to know all the things I don’t know before I move forward so not to make a mistake or not live my life to the fullest.

Maybe this is also why I was away from this forum for a while, because I came here in my state of knowing there were unknown unknowns, and You and Anita, helped me see so much. Then I ran on automatic with my new eyes, and now I am looking to see more once again. I wonder if this window of running on automatic, shortens over time and my capacity to see unknown unknowns broadens, and at some point I will be constantly seeing the unknown unknowns, and living as wise as I can..

Ultimately, I have faith that things work out the way they are supposed to.

This reminds me of the book that K is writing, a book of going back in time but trying not to change history and the effects of watching even the bad parts of history play out.

Seaturtle

Dear Helcat,

Wow, IT sounds very technical, where are you wanting it to take you after school?

The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a great read about all of this. There is also a commentary on it called The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.

– good to know!!

Just wait until the potty training starts haha, I am currently doing this with the girl I nanny, alongside her parents. The entire house had towels and floor mats down for a week and she needed to be watched like a hawk, but so many wins along the way 🙂

That is gloomy news about your cat and dog, especially the cat prank calls that actually feels cruel. Life is just so unpredictable, the parents of the little girl I nanny are separating, so I’ve been under some rain clouds lately too. Things that are just impossible to prepare for. I appreciate your optimism though, and on the same trend I am trying to see things as growing opportunities… even gifts? I just recently read the Alchemist, have you read it? It has me currently on high awareness for omens.

I so hope you can figure things out too. You’ve shared so much good relationship advice with me and I am sure with others, so your karma could be very helpful right about now! I hope it’s a situation you can see clearly as you move through it.

t’s very romantic of him to invite you along, it does sound like you are doing the right thing focusing on your personal journey. Who knows what will happen later? I’m sure you will stay in touch and find out. 

– It was romantic 🙂 It is difficult to not want the relationship now though and I have some fear that it won’t return and I am passing something up that I will regret.

I don’t think you miss windows running on automatic. But the proactive approach perhaps creates new windows.

-The end of your message is deep and I think could lead to a lot of interesting conversations. Creating new windows is interesting, I wonder if new is necessarily better? To me it seems someone running on automatic would miss things right in front of them, miss signs of what to potentially avoid or persue, it seems like the harder route to take, sort of like ignorance is bliss. I think of automatic as being on auto pilot, not feeling your feelings and missing out on connections, is this what you mean?

There is no sense avoiding good experiences to prevent bad things from happening. That is a way to miss out on life and suffer. 

This makes me loop back to being afraid that I am passing up an opportunity with K that won’t come around again. Cause a reason I don’t want to align my life with his yet, is that I don’t want to miss out on individual growth. I don’t want to get stuck in a gaslighting loop like I did with N, giving a dying relationship all of my energy.  I am currently pondering the question of whether I can grow individually with him now or not, If he would make me stronger or weaker… One of my solutions to that has been to just not make any big decisions and individually, just keep moving forward until there’s some clearer sign, but missing an opportunity is a fear I have.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

You wrote: “ I feel I am too much. What do you think?“- I realize that before I respond further, I need to understand what you mean by being too much: can you explain to me what you mean by it, dear Sea Turtle?

– K is very self reflective and asks me questions he’s asked himself, or ones that he thinks would be relevant to me. If I am opening up about a childhood memory he asks more questions, rather than trying to change the subject like N or my father. His questioning, his wanting me to open up, makes me uncomfortable. It’s made me realize that my relationship with N made me feel so capable of vulnerability, but actually it was not hard to be more vulnerable than him. So really it was me just attracting someone who was less than I was, now I am communicating with someone who welcomes vulnerability and I am finding it actually makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I am oversharing or over-burdening him with information. I have told K this, and his response was that I did not make him feel that way at all. So I realize it is in my head and I am wondering what that’s about. I am also just curious about this dichotomy that I having been aching to be seen, and now that someone is trying I am uncomfortable, which makes sense cause it is unfamiliar, but I want to learn how to be comfortable with it. Did this answer your question?

Seaturtle

Dear Helcat,

When you say “We are mostly around.” who are you speaking for? Is there a pretty consistent group of responders on this site? I had a recent schedule change that I am getting used to right now.

You had exams? What are you studying!? I just started taking an open online course, The Philosophy of Death. The first half of the class is whether or not we have a soul and the second half is if ‘this conclusion’ then what next, and is suicide ever moral. I am super excited.

I bet your son is up and walking now! Still teething I bet, but getting better?

It is so cool that we were just speaking of Death according to Buddhist teachings, and I have now found my way to a philosophy course on it. It wasn’t what I was searching,  I have just had this recurring inspiration to take some philosophy and psychology courses, and my search lead me to two open courses and one was on death. What would be really cool is if I used the Buddhist perspective to write one of my papers for the class, there are three papers due throughout the course. Since it is an open course I don’t think I get to submit anything, but I am still going to write them. If not for myself, then maybe I use them to apply to the college program.

“He does sound special indeed.”

He is very special. He came to visit me for 10 days! Such a long time to have someone I only met twice but both our intuitions seemed align in that it would only bring good things. The best way to explain my connection with him is it felt like I was with myself. I felt this way after a couple days with him. He was some of my favorite and least favorite parts of me. My favorite parts were so comforting and reconnected me with parts of myself I haven’t accessed in a while. A big one was laughter. WE laughed sooo much, I felt comfortable being silly, just singing my lungs out in the car, sword fighting in a store with fake swords, I took him to improv with me and it was just a blast. He likes to make friends everywhere he goes too, and has this deep desire for connection. He’s very knowledgable about things I am not and taught me so many things. Not only that but listened to my insights and perspective on my life here, and he actually respected it and took advice from me. I felt valued. And seen 🙂

I have this gut feeling, that he and I will continue to run into eachother on our individual paths, and end up together. It is the strangest feeling though because I also think we both are following our hearts right now and trying to grow, and neither of us want to go against our instincts for the other.. This is what I mean ->

he is going to New Zealand for a year, he asked me to go, and to be his girlfriend. Something I would have loved to hear, but in that moment it just didn’t feel right. It felt like it would be over indulging in a passing pleasure, that would loop back around to us stronger if we just let it. I told him this. That although a scary thought, what if we just give this amazing connection we have, back to the universe and see what opportunities come from that.

days later, after laughter, getting to know one another and just having so many little adventures in mundane places. I started to doubt myself. I brought it back up and said, well we are only human.. are we suppose to trust this universe this much? or just take what it’s given us now? His response was amazing, because it somehow brought me back to my trust in the universe. He said “When I think of my trip to NZ it strikes a chord in me, that I just know I am suppose to go. When I considered bringing you, it didn’t affect that chord, not negatively but also not positively. Like I would still have my growth if you were with me. But if I were to steer you off your path, to come with me, that would break my heart.” I felt stronger after he said this, knowing we were making the right decision to wait. 🙂

“The majority of the time I feel like people are almost running on automatic and trying to develop the skills for their choices until their next window. Being proactive in development’s helps bring these windows closer together. Having lots of experiences brings lots of changes too in my experience. Bad and good, it is sometimes hard to see the outcome for many years. What do you think?”

Do you think if you run on automatic while trying to develop the skills for your next window, that you then miss the window?  It certainly resonates with me that being proactive in your development, brings the windows closer together. I really believe this year I have experienced more windows than other years. I also agree that lots of experiences bring changes with them, yes bad and good. Do you think we can be wise enough to avoid most the bad ones and intentionally select good ones? or that new experiences are just a gamble? Yes I agree, hard to see for many years. Even this situation with this special person I met, I have no idea when it will bear the fruit I know it will.

Seaturtle 🙂

Hello Anita 🙂

I miss you!

It’s true at different times I have been on the receiving end of narcissism. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I want to understand and see myself so badly, because I never want to make someone else feel how they made me. Because I do believe they did it unaware of their manipulation and effect it would have on me, so I know it can be unconsciously done.

I wanna learn and hear about the awakenings you’ve had in this lifetime? How have/do you set yourself up for spiritual growth?

Seaturtle

Helcat,

I am so happy your soul had a bizarre level of hope, certainly not a trait of a soul’s first time around the block!

I like your question about my soul’s personality. I came up with this, my soul has always sought understanding of others and of myself, I have always sought self improvement, and connection, at times at whatever cost.

There were some personality traits like wisdom and an optimism that I can creatively make it in this world, not necessarily a cut and dry path my parents tried to get me to follow. But then it occurred to me, my sister has those similar traits. Which makes me wonder if they are environmental personality traits. Are there any concepts in Buddhism that speak on souls and siblings?

Tibetan Buddhism sounds so interesting I will have to read up on it. To choose the realm we reincarnate to next, sounds great. But then I read “all options other than the human realm are considered bad,” I am curious about this. I am surprised because this would mean the most enlightened souls are here on our earth in human form? Or perhaps they go to “bad” realms to make them better?

“I have a ridiculous hope that for me one day the pain will go away entirely.”

This is not ridiculous, sounds like your inner child soul speaking 😉

Seaturtle